Hope

Hi SA,thanks for the kind words on my diary:),i always read your posts and if i say something on your diary from time to time that helps you that's great,for me as well mate:),.....Xmas is such a stressful time of year i feel,one only has to look around the forum at all the new posters to see how it affects many of us!!!,i certainly understand why you feel that stepping off the "merry go round" is what's in your best interests this year,and i'm certain your family will understand why:).Stay strong.

Seano.

Hi mate,

An interesting read from you there. My take on this is you have had a very difficult year. Most people won't understand how difficult this recovery journey is especially with having to cope with relapses and telling our loved ones but we do.

And as you have gone through so much, it's only right that you want some space to yourself doing exactly what you want. Your loving family will understand your choices I'm sure, perhaps say that you will make sure that you give them some phone calls over the holiday period so that you are not completely isolated.

I myself have loved the space to myself that I have had over the last few weekends and am ready for time with the family over Christmas. But I will be back to my own space over New Year.

Each to its own, eh?!

GT

Thanks guys I take your thoughts on board.

Day 69 since my last gamble and gambling free it shal remain.

Feeling very down this morning. Time to get motivated and do positive things.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Well as it turned out my mood lifted quickly yesterday and it was a fairly good day. Myabe I will write more in the evenings when i generally feel more upbeat and positive.

Anyway its exactly 10 weeks (70 days) since my last bet.. so well done to me!

Bit by bit despite the ups and downs in my mood I feel like I am getting stronger in recovery. Day by day works for me so day by day it is.

I hope that everyone has a gambling free day. I sure intend to.. S.A 🙂

glad to read of you feeling better s.a ...this addiction can be a right b*********d at times....you are right i am close to reaching a minor milestone my friend but until then its odaat at a time....you helped my recovery (and still do)when i first started...i remember being devastated for you (can you remember ?) after going

so long in abstainence and you just shrugged it off for me with sound advice (look after no.1) but from that day on it learnt me to keep on my toes....as you know we still have a long long way to go but thank you pal and keep up the good work....we can do this my friend 🙂

Hi S.A

Congratulations on 70 days today..You are doing just fine...ODAAT my friend.

Enjoy the weekend

70 days and 10 weeks, well done my mate!

And keep it up!

GT

Thanks Lb and Gt 🙂

Its now 71 days since my last bet of any kind. Ive been to a running race today 10 miles it was. I was nervous about going. Ive developed an injury. There was always the possibility of having to pull out mid run and it was ever so icy and slippy to. It was a road race so potentially quite dangerous. There were a few falls.

Any way pumped up with pain killers I completed said race by enduring the discomfort and by, what felt like, dragging my left leg along. Time was 1 hour 32 which considering everything... this was okay. No more serious running for me until the new year, need to ease off and heel up. 2011 will be my year for running. There is much potential.

Am now feeling a bit low since ive got home. Am comfort eating like crazy. Ive eaten a small xmas pudding and a box of match makers.. not quite meat and two vege! Am fed up of the winter already and there's 3 months left.

Am going to enjoy the rest of the snooker final this evening. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Into day 72 since my last bet and gambling free it shall remain.

I can hardly walk this morning. As my pain killers wore off the damage ive obviously done to my lower left leg started to tell. Its the same as last year just the other leg. Well I guess this is one advantage of not working atleast i don't have to hobble to work. It doesnt feel that way though.

I feel as if I am at year nothing. No job, no partner, limited support, scared, alone, lacking in motivation and comforting myself in other ways, just not gambling.

Hey ho this is the morning. Am always at my worst in the morning.. especially Monday morning.. and its just that the self-pity is particualrly bad today.

On a positive am sure that as the day goes and as i start to do positive things my mood will start to lift. Things arreent that bad really. I have a roof over my head. I am warm. I have food in the cupboards. I have potential. Thanks for listening.. S.A

limited support s.a ??? you have your friends on here mate willing you on.....mr grumpy lol....al be looking for your positive post as the day goes on....keep going my friend,its not easy but we can and will do this 🙂

Hi SA,thanks as always for the post on my diary,......i hope you have "posted" yourself out of your low mood by now:),......that's one of the very good things about the forum,it can be used in a lot of ways to help us:).You have a lot of friends on here SA.

Seano.

Thanks guys 🙂

Well as pre-dicted my mood has improved as the day has gone on. I think that having had little sleep last night due to leg pain only added to the general "out of work" feeling like cr** feelings. But like i say am feeling more upbeat now.

Positve things i have done today include..

1. Apply for a job

2. Wrap xmas presents ready to post to family

3. Did some basic cleaning and tidying up around my flat.

Its the little steps that in time lead to postive outcomes. Onwards and forwards.. S.A

Into day 73 since my last gamble of any kind and gambling free it will remain.

I had an interview this morning. Admin job. It was clear within a few minutes that I simply didn't have what they were looking for. I need some on the job training but this being a charity they need someone that can hit the ground running. It all gets a bit embarrassing when its clear to both sides that the jobs not mine but we have to go through the motions. me trying to blag it and they looking at me with a quizzical look. Anyway atleast i went. I even said at the end that if i don't get the job i'd still be interested in doing some voluntary work which to be honest i would. If got all the time in the world at the moment. But am defo going to do this computer course to get proficeint with the microsoft packages.

I am coming to terms with the fact that although I am a basically bright bloke, thhats not enough when finding a job. You gotta have the skills that the employer wants. It maybe a while before am back in work. The other thing is explaining why i left my previous job. I left on heatlh grounds but explaining that in interview without scaring employers off or losing my self confidencce, aint easy. I was struggling to maintian eye contact at points.. a clear sign that I didn;t know what i was talking about.

Strange thing is that am not especailly downbeat today. I feel ok. I am certainly stronger that my addiction at the moment. I am coping. I am a survivor. I am mentally stronger than i give myself credit sometimes. Maybe its because ive been through so much becuase of my addiction.

Ive been through the cycle of gambling.. fighting my way back to stability.. then gambling.. then self-destruct and panic.. then clawing my way back to some sense of nomality only then to return to the abyss.

Something has clicked in my mind. It doesnt matter how bad things become for me over the next few weeks and months. It doesnt matter how horribly depressed and bored and lonely and disapondant I may feel.. I will not gamble.. I will not gamble one day at a time. Its a question of survival.

That might sound a bit melodramatic but it really is the case with me. Ive come close to taking my own life on two occasions in the past.. directly becuase of my gambling and i aint going there again. Thanks for listening.. S.A

thanks for your kind words as usual s.a...i enjoy reading your dailly thoughts,chin up mate,we can do this 😉

Thanks for your post in my diary, yes, I do feel very lucky to have certain things but I feel that there is more that I deserve. We all deserve more than what we have at the moment...

...and we WILL all get it!

Voluntary work is a brilliant move. Not only it will keep you busy but it will give you the confidence and skills to start looking for that job out there that is waiting for you.

Keep trying, mate!

GT