Hope

glad to read of your continued abstinence s.a my friend...you re right by the way,the dust has been polished off my diary and im on a posting frenzy today lol,albeit briefly but i still read on a frequent basis...bestest wishes to yourself..top man,we can do this 😉

Thanks everyone.. support appreciated as always.

No gambling but ive had some thoughts. My gambling head is praising me for digging myself out of the hole I dug for myself in January ( I get paid on Monday) and now my gambling head says well

"why not gamble £20 and see if you get lucky, cos if you get lucky then you can pay a bunch of rent off or the upcoming council tax or water bill."

My gambling head says, "leave your card at home so you can protect yourself and in any case cos you don't get paid till Monday you won't be able to gamble anymore anyway, cos it the money aint there!"

This is my stinking thinking. This is my distorted thinking. Cos my history says that this never happens. When I gamble I keep gambling. I cannot win cos i cannot stop.

The reality of course is that ive had another stressful week work wise and i want a bit of light relief, I want a bit of escapism and of course being the gambling addict that i am... gambling is the first thing i think of. So here I am on the site, reading and writing cos i know it helps. And even as i type I know that am not going to gamble this weekend.

It is a sickening weakness this gambling thing. Its only 6 weeks ago that I had returned to rock bottom and yet now it feels like it was a life time ago.

Time to press the send button.. cos then i know for sure that I won't gamble... cos its here written in black and white.. making myself accountable.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

P.s Its funny how it goes isn't it. Ive had long periods of time in the past where it was easy not to gamble. Its not like that anymore. Abstinence is the word just now I don't feel like i'm in recovery just now... but today i am working at it.

I've just had a good run. One hour 30 minutes, no stopping, no shin pain and most of it was on the pavements.. it felt good. Am on that post run high. Am signed up for a half-marathon at end of march, its got a big hill in it, so I don't think I can reach the dizzy heights of Russes gamcare 1.47 challenge but something around the 2 hours to 2 hours 10.. I will be happy with for this early in the season.

As for the gambling.. well there aint been any and there certainly won't be any gambling today and thats all that matters.. nuff said. All the best folks.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA,

Good to hear you are getting a buzz off the running 🙂 you mentioned on my diary you are struggling with depression, so this is the best thing for it! good old natural high 🙂

I tried running again on Tuesday and again today, and I'm not equalling the success I had first time round. Am having to switch from jog to walk a lot, as I just get too out of breath otherwise. Am still enjoying it as an alternative exercise though! I guess it will take time to improve my fitness, but Im training with a heart rate of between 140 and 160 bpm and this is enough to improve cardio fitness according to t'internet.

Anyway, just kind of wanted to say I relate to the feeling of being in a job you don't really like, and the impact that can have on ones mood. Back to work for me too tomorrow, and I have that sinking Sunday evening feeling. Lets make a deal to just do our best to trundle on next week though, eh? we have both been through harder things than this. We can do it one day at a time!

Take care,

f x

hi SA... i tried jogging on the treadmill at the gym last week....i looked like a pilik....arms were every where... i was sooo scared too look up incase i tripped up..... the speed was 7 lol looked like a big monkey jogging hands every where!!!! went for a minute and stopped got a stitch lol... i9 finally got the blockers on pc and lappy got them for a yr... im soo happy i did im free for a yr at least 🙂 past 2 weeks have been easy forme ive had thoughts... but nowt i can do if i cant do it..... i never really knew what you gambled on....or where....please please please if you can get some blocks up yourself hun... u will thank yourself one day and me hehehe tc shell x

Running has been going great and am really looking forward to my half marathon this Sunday. I don't think that I will beat 2 hours but will be very pleased to run in under 2:05. A 10.4 mile run and a 11 mile run in the last few days without walking will see me get my medal and a whole lot more gambling cobwebs brushed away.

Great to hear that you have managed a run of an hour and a half and that you have a half marathon to look forward to.

GT

Hi SA

Thanks for posting on my diary, yep i know you know how a slip up can make you feel.

I thought i had cracked this addiction but i am very foolish and know that i have a lot more work to do in my recovery and in myself.

I have a lot of respect for you and your recovery.

The tears roll again, hate crying!

Anyway not going babble on your diary, take care SA. thanks again for your support. ands

Thanks folks and hang in their Ands.

I need a moan. My working day today consisted of driving a mini-bus for 2 hours picking up clients. Then I get a phone call to say go to central office a 30 minute drive away and pick up some zoo passes and then drive back to the centre to exchange clinets and then drive for 1.5 hours to some zoo whilst clients are screaming and kicking off in the back (we are short staffed of course). We get to saod zoo but then its time to come back to the centre, so we eat sandwiches in the car park and drive back to the centre just in time for ther clients to begin the run home. Thank f*** that their was another driver to take them home.. cos i'd just driven from 7.45 to 2.10 with one fifteen minute break which wasn't really a break cos i was dealing with clients.

I think to myself what the f*** am I doing this for.. all for not much more than minimum wage. people say better in a job than not.. which is true.. but it doesn't feel like that at this moment in time.. am just kanackered. My eyes arent focussing properly. They look like P*** holes in the snow.

Anyway no gambling to report. Do I want to gamble..?? ..sometimes yes. I feel as if my life has gone full circle.. back to the days when it all started. Back to the days when i was stressed out working in a challenging needs unit and after work I went gambling to.. just chill. Your right Freda I need to find myself something less stressful.. something that doesnt do my ed in.. cos other wise my history says that at some point I will just start gambling again.. who ever said life was easy??

Thanks for llistening.. S.A

Hey SA

I know your job isnt ideal at the moment and i hope you find something less stressful ,but at least you know you have to stay more vigilant,as you say you do feel like gambling,but you know its no good for you.Like you say m8 why are you doing this job for just over the minimum wage.Well i would guess its because its better than what you had before.I know its not a lot m8 so you need to keep what you do earn in your pocket.Remember what it used to be like when you were working in a job you hated and then giving all your money to them dreaded machines.Stay strong kid.All the best Jeff.

Hi SA,

I have just had a week off and I was ready to go back to work. No matter what job you have, I have always felt that staying busy really is the way forward.

I can certainly empathise with you with your job as I have worked with challenging behaviour in the past. But without people like you, what would happen to them? You really are one of life's saviours and the job that you do is so important. You may not think this during a particularly stressful day (and we all have those) but you really are a star!

Hope that you are enjoying some spare money and not even thinking about giving in to any urges that you may be having.

Did my half marathon today in 2:06 - slightly disappointed with my time but I only went to enjoy the day. And I did.

GT

Thanks Guys.. well if only I had heeded your advice before I went out and gambled again. To be honest since mid-january its been a struggle not to gamble. Something changed within me.. the addict self got the upper hand. This time last Saturday I was a gambling J****E... feeding the machines until the cash point said no. Having just dug myself out of the deep hole i'd dug myself in january I promptly dug myself another one. Self-destructive behaviour for sure.

Financially I will recover of course, given time, but pschologically ive taken some backward steps. When youve been fighting this gambling lark for as long as i have you start to lose hope and thats the debate ive been having with myself since my gambling. Whether to throw the towel in and succumb or to continue the fight. The devil on the one hand and the angel on the other.

Fortunately the angels wisdom has one through and hence here I am writing this and resuming the fight.

I do not want to gamble and sometime soon i shall be re-excluding myself from certain gambling hell holes.. this time a life time exclusion.

On a positive my running is going well and work stress has gone down a little since I got use to all the driving. In fact I am very proud of myself for working through my stress and anxiety at work whatever may come next. I am a fighter not a quiter. Thanks for listening.

This is S.A currently one week since my last gamble. Onwards upwards and forwards. 🙂

Hi SA,

Sorry you had another mistake. I wonder why you didn't talk about it for a week. I had to re-read your recent posts to be sure when this gambling happened. You have always, as far as we know, been really straight up about when you have gambled. I just wanted to reflect that the pause in talking about it seems a bit like gamblers behaviour, not wanting to admit the truth then coming clean later.

You know me, I hope you see this is an observation Im offering, I might have got it all wrong. What it certainly isn't is criticism.

You sound like you have lost a lot of confidence in your ability to not gamble. The historical pattern is certainly there in you, but nothing has changed really. If you have done it before, there is no reason to think you won't be able to beat this again.

Lets face it, we will both probably make another gambling related mistake in the next say, 20 years or so. Mistakes do happen, and don't mean we are not any good at recovery. It is just keeping them as rare occasions, rather than frequent ones that matters.

You have the tools, its just a case of believing in yourself again.

I, for one, do.

Take care,

f x

Thanks f 🙂

Your observations are spot on of course. Usually I fess up straight away and get straight back on with recovery but this time I had that internal debate about whether to succumb to addiction or not to succumb, to disappear from the diaries or not to disappear. Like i say it took me a week to come back to my senses but I am back now.

As an aside what i do notice is that it only takes a few regular contributors to stop posting then it seems like a whole swathe of folk just melt away.. many back to addiction but many just getting on with life gamble free am sure. I still need this place so I soldier on.

Ive had thoughts this weekend of trying to win back money lost and ive also just been bored much of the time. But its better for me to be bored than in despair from another gambling episode. So well done to me for not giving in to temptation.

I know the day isn't over yet but ive been for a 10 mile run and done some food shopping and am tired now so have no intention of going out again so I know am safe from myself today. I don't forsee any gambling problems during the week as work and work stress takes over.. so will probably post next in my diary at the weekend. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Hi SA, I'm still here to support you! I think many are still reading but they don't post as much. Great to hear you are back running. 10 miles is a really nice effort. You know yourself very well so I struggle to offer any advice! Always listening! Take care fella. Russ

High five! I knew you could overcome those urges. Well done mate.

f x