Hope

Hi SA

Try to remember that your recovery is about you. By thinking about your boss you are slightly detracting from you. Just be careful at the moment as this is how I have found myself slipping in the past. If your work is unbearable then you have to do something about it. Easier said than done I grant you but ultimately you have to look after yourself both phsically and mentally. Take care

Hi.. yes, thanks to you both. Ive known for ages that although I am well suited to a caring role and a caring job THIS job just sends my stress levels through the roof (90% due to uncaring, narcissistic boss).. and as ive realised for ages and as you kind folks have been suggesting to me for ages.. until i find my way out nothing fundamental will change.. and i will remain in a state of high stress.

My history suggests that it either ends in gambling binge and a semi nervous breakdown or i just resign and worry about the consequnces afterwards. But of course there is another way.. the obvious way!.. find another job!!

On a lighter note I have plans this weekend and will do my best to chillout.. I will look after myself and I will not gamble "a day at a time" only.

The consequnces of gambling were underlined to me only this morning.. when i had a phone call from a mate wanting me to go on to his usual "pay day loan" site and could i do it write away!! He's a gambler.. horses and dogs man. He says to me he's not gambling but he is of course. Its no surprise that Cheltenham has just finished and he has no money.

It gets me thinking about my position and the fact that although ive been diddled out of pay yet again I am still better off than i was 3 months ago when i last gambled. A few quid short in the pay packet is nothing compared to the money i lose in the space of 30 minutes feeding 20 pound notes into machines. I must put things into persepctive. My rent, council tax and water rates will all be paid on time and even a little in advance.

Thanks for listening folks. Have a good gambling free day as I do the same... S.A 🙂

last gamble... 24th December 2011

Hi SA

Good to see you still going strong in recovery and you sound very positive in your latest post which is good to read. Shame about your friend and the gambling, i too have a friend like this but at the end of the day we must look after ourselves ultimately in recovery and we can help others along the way then that is great.

Best of luck with the job searching mate, have you any idea what you would like to do if you were to leave your current job?

Take care

Keith

Why not get a run or two in this weekend?!

GT

Hiya SA,

Hope all is well with you this weekend. I think probably why I have suggested re training etc in the past is because...I'm assuming that most of your work experience has involved care work in one way or another....this would mean you are going to apply for jobs that you have the most experience in and have confidence to do..as you have a better chance. See what I'm getting at...I just think for myself I would naturally gravitate to my comfort zone. Hope what I've said makes sense.

Hey...just a thought....if your a dab hand at decorating..you can do courses on that even...get a wee sideline going to bring in the dough? ....get employment maybe...or self employment from that.

Sorry SA...I'm always thinking up ways to make dough lol..can't help myself. I do in day and daily....bye for now

Love Del x

Thanks Keith, Gt and Del.

Am just back from being away.. am feeling most tired. Did my half-marathon in a time of 1 hour 44 mins and 21 seconds.. which takes 5 mins off my personal best.. am well pleased with that. I will post more when am less tired. No gambling problems.. S.A

Last gamble... 24th December 2011

I'm a firm believer in that you are at your best both physically and emotionally when you don't gamble.

Which is why I am so pleased with your half marathon time.

And so you should be, well done.

Rest easy!

GT

Well done SA 🙂

That's brilliant. Enjoy your rest!

Del xoxo

Hi SA..its true that exercise does make you mentally stronger.....

I've been walking quite long distances since the end of last year and its made a huge difference to my state of mind.

Great news on the running ....take care..

Rachel

Hi SA

Thanks for popping in on my diary. You have been instrumental in my getting this recovery and grabbing it with both hands. I hope your running is going well. I always look forward to reading your posts as and when they appear.

Take care

Thanks people.

Am going through a real low patch the last few days. Ive been very withdrawn and solitary.The mornings are the worst. Am trying to shake it off but its proving hard. I guess its the come down from the run at the weekend. I need to run a marathon soon otherwsie I feel like I haven't got anything to look forward to or maybe am just tired. Sorry if this is coming across as woe is me but thats just the way I feel just now.

Am trying to fill in an application. Support work but more money. Am on a late shift today.. am really struggling about going in.. but am sure I will be fine and motivated once am actually there.

I haven't had any gambling problems thus far.. but the urge to get drunk is quite strong just now.. which is sometimes a trigger for me. Am perhaps going out Saturday night with a mate from work. It should be ok cos its local and not near any gambling hell holes and ive never gambled in company anyway. I just need a laugh really.

Am into month 4 of not gambling and this is where histroically it starts to get harder for me.. you'd think it would get easier wouldn't you, as it does for many.. but not for me. Anyways focus in the here and now isn't it.. not gambling today is all that matters. Thanks for listening... S.A.. ok S.A and a smiley face 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

SA,

You don't have to apologise for the way you feel. It is ok to feel depressed, you haven't done anything wrong.

4 months is fantastic! I do still think you would benefit from talking to your GP about some anti D's, there is only so much that exercise can do to boost your mood.

You don't always have to be the strong one, who soldiers on. You are very strong - you have already proved that many times over mate.

I'm really glad you are applying for other things, as your particular boss does seem to be the main stressor in your work life.

I want to encourage you to ask yourself some difficult, but helpful questions... would you still feel that you are 'good enough' and a good person if you were not working in a caring profession anymore?

The reason I ask, is that people who feel a lot of inadequate feelings and who are sensitive souls often work in the caring profession to prove to themselves that they are a nice person. They feel a sense of inadequacy, that they need to overcompensate for. Certainly this is what I used to do.

I don't think it is fear of change that keeps you in your line of work. You have acknowledged yourself, that it is a draining and stressful field for a sensitive caring person to work in.

Anyway, sorry for badgering you. Perhaps now is not the right time. I hope you manage to blow off some steam with your mate - maybe just take cash in your pocket? you know the drill, won't tell my granny how to suck eggs.

Take care,

f x

thanks Freda...

decided to delete the ramblings i'd written here. No gambling this year.. so thats good.. cheers S.A

Last bet 24/12/2011

Its now....

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes

you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always

fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK.

(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop b******g and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there

for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize

that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the cr** you've been fed about

how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh,what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive,how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a

marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard

the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power

and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life

merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one

you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your

terms... just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK.... and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch... and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time... FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get

what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful

and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your

window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Hope you are ok SA

Take care,

f x