Hope

Hi SA

Just dropping in to see if things are ok and life is treating you fairly, Hope you are well

Take Care

Blues

Hiya SA,

Just popping in to say hiya and hope all is well.

Love Del x

Hi all.. and yeah things are ok as far as as the NOT gambling goes. As always though work has just been pressure pressure pressure.. stress stress stress. My name is mud at this moment in time cos am not pre-pared to go in for 8 a.m pick up some clients drop them off at the centre and then "go home" and come back to do a 1-9 P.m shift. Ive drawn my line in the sand.. am either working an 8-4 or a 1-9 shift.

Thing is i would go that extra mile if I felt "valued" as an employee and could be sure that i would either get paid for the extra hours or have it as TOIL or even just to get a thank you! but past experince shows that none of the above would happen. The boss as always would say anything in the moment to get me to do what she wanted as she does with everyone and then renage on her promises... so i give the pro-verbial two fingered salute! What goes around comes around. Am tired of being taken for a mug.

One more day to get through before the easter break.. it cannot come soon enough. Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hi

Stand your ground, what they are asking of you is unacceptable. You are 200%in the right and I wish I lived near you cause I would go and tell her. I manage staff and I would not expect them to do what she is asking , I know it's hard but at times I really feel that you have the right to go down the grievance procedure with this moron .

Sorry to rant , but it angers me how they treat you at times.

By the way we value here, more than I think you know.

Dusty

Am in for 1 at work tomorrow.. I feel good for sticking up for myself and being assertive. This feels good for my recovery. Am going to celebrate with a walk to shop to buy something naughty but nice! .. S.A 🙂

Day 105 gambling free (again!).. I shouldn't count really... it doesn't do me any favours nowadays.. but I guess it does no harm to mark the time be it 5 days, 105 days, 505 days or 1005 days.. all of which i have acheived before (yes that includes 1005 days).. my personal best being 1018 days.

Feeling rather melancholly today. I continue to be in a big funk in life as ive always been really.. never quite found my path... somehow waiting for a ureka moment that never comes and never will. Still feeling much like a prisoner in the gambling merry go round it simply being that the circles are of varying sizes and durations. Not that am feeling like gambling today I might add.

I work and get stressed, I run which i love, I write on here which is therapy, I have some family contact which is nice, I contact and visit friends occasionally which is nice to.. but inside i feel like am just going through the motions of what people do. Inside I just feel stuck on a one way street going nowhere.

having said all of that.. if maybe that am just feeling tired after my 3 hour run yesterday and low and behold as the day goes on my mood will lift and i will feel more positive. Onwards.. thanks for listening.. S.A

Last gamble... 24th December 2011

Hey, a 3 hour run will get anyone tired for a day or two afterwards!

I wonder what percentage of the population gets stressed in their jobs. Of course, you seem to have more than your fair share but I would struggle to find anyone who has a stress-free job.

Far better to have a stressful job that to be in a period of gambling madness and losing each day, eh?

Have a great weekend and keep getting those runs in!

NT

Thanks Nt... well its been a positve long easter weekend in the sense that i haven't gambled and i haven't been out on the beer either but other than the running I haven't really done anything constructive.. been a bit bored and lonely really.

Ive been wanting to do some job search... but couldn't find the motivation. Wanted to do some cleaning, tidying and sorting out of flat.. but couldn't find the motivation. I wanted to ring up a mate and go out and do something.. but I couldn't find the motiavtion and I wanted to ring up family and say "happy easter".. but haven't even done that. So all in all a bit of a waste of 4 precious days off from the stress of my work.

And yes Nt... i take on board what you say about "most" jobs having a degree of stress but I have had jobs before where the stress levels have been alot less and for more money.. and so it continues to baffle me as to WHY I am not doing everything in my power to find a way out. Which goes back to what I was saying in my previous post about being stuck in a Funk and still very much on the merry go round of compulsive gambling even though I have not gambled for a while.

I really wish I could be more positive (like your good self Nt) but I continue to struggle to have a positive outlook for the future. It just feels like more of the same until the day I may snap and do something foolish or something I truely regret (not necessarilly a gambling binge.) and enter yet another period of crisis and emotional turmoil.

Again sorry for the negative feel to this post especially after reading others uplifting posts but I don't believe in being positive on here "just for the sake of it".. or to "paint a picture" to the world in order to try and convince others or self that all is well. The truth being is that I feel on the edge all the time, always have done really. It being just being a matter of time before the next "f*** it" moment comes along.

Bizarrely though in writing all this self-pittying pap I am feeling a bit better. I am smiling even though i feel miserable most of the time. There is something to be said for just saying it how it is don't you think? gets it out.. sets it free.. and most importantly stops me gambling.. stops the build up towards gambling even though I do not feel like I want to gamble today. There is always a build up.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

last gamble 24th December 2011

Many of us have been taught to believe that we are valued for what we do, not just for who we are. ‘Doing’ is important, but to keep life in balance, we also need time to just ‘be.’

Today I just "Be"

Hi S.A

Have always followed your diary and know you have been going through a really rough time with your work situation over these past months.

As i read your updates i often feel like i'm reading through big parts of my own life.

Its all credit to you that you haven't snapped and given in to your gambling demons with everything that you have been dealing and coping with.

Keep strong my friend...Don't let go of all that hard and great work that you have put in since December 2011. Let all the problems you are facing fuel your resolve and determination to not go back to "our" evil ways..

I too struggle to have a positive outlook on the way ahead for me. Gambling had taken over everything in my life and during the time that i have stopped i'm left asking myself ..So what now and thats, it theres nothing else..

On many occasions i'm left feeling on the edge and at times i just feel very lost. I blame everything on my gambling yet deep down i know theres more to it than just that..

Sorry to "hi-jack" your diary and go on ..But i just wanted you to know that you are not alone and myself and i'm sure many others are standing shoulder to shoulder with you as we wake up each day and put on our "brave" faces, "false" smiles and go about another day.

Keep strong my friend

Don't let the B'stards win..don't give them the satisfaction..

As always, all the very best

Takecare

Hi SA,

That is totally awesome progress mate, standing your ground with the boss. It really isn't easy to do with a manipulative character like her, who is expert at trying to get people to feel guilty for saying "no" to unreasonable requests. Seriously well done! I am not good at praising people without feeling self conscious that I sound patronising, but that is really good stuff!

I always make my friend giggle when she is having trouble with her difficult family members, by pointing out that they are determined to be angry with her about something, so at least if she says no to their latest mad request it removes the element of surprise concerning what they will be in a mood about next!

If your boss is always in a huff, might as well be over you asserting yourself, rather than the usual piffle.

Your last post kind of read as you justifying to yourself why it is ok to be honest on your diary. Kind of convincing yourself it is ok. WELL IT IS! RIGHT? lol.

Don't apologise again for saying how it is on your diary, or I will have to come by and wave my finger at you! and I don't like my face when I am telling people off! so just say what you want and don't worry : )

Phew, all that bossiness is rather tiring, think I need a lie down...

Take care,

f x

Thanks Lb… I happened to read your thoughts as soon as you posted them (it was just before I went to start a late shift)… and they gave me a real lift.. got me through another working day unscathed. It still helps enormously to get replies even though ive been around these diaries for a long time. Like you say it helps knowing that am not alone in my daily struggles. It’s easy to forget that when your on your own (as I am). So easy to sink so low that everything feels tooo overwhelming and the urge to pull the covers over the head and hide becomes the preferred option. My nature has always been to withdraw I have to work hard to stop myself from doing that. But in reading on here I am able to remind myself that its ok to feel feelings whatever they are... it’s just part of the rich tapestry of being human.. and in time the “difficult” feelings always pass.

I don’t need to smuther them in a gambling haze!

Today I feel strong as far as not gambling goes but I will always need to work at it on a daily basis. When I gamble, it takes me to a whole new level of unhappiness and I never want to go their again. Easy to forget the consequences of gambling. Forget I will not.

Thanks Freda.. You put a smile on my face. Ive spent a life time apologising for my very existence lol. And like you say, honesty the best policy. I did feel good for saying NO the other day though. A little boost to my self-esteem and dignity. I am not a mat to be walked all over.

However today I am doing a split shift. This time I was given no choice. I was informed of this via a third person (the boss is a coward). I decided not to struggle with it and take issue as it would only have been a waste of my mental energy. I might not like how she runs the place and everything about her as a person (lol) but I know I also need to just go with the flow as well… and only take issue with things I feel very strongly about. As for the day today stuff, well… It’s not all about ME is it. The needs of clients come first. I am chilled.

Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hey SA

Just a quickie to say glad I made ya smile : )

Also I think it is a real strength - being able to choose your battles. Nice one on that front! People who argue the toss over every little point "on principle" always have really red faces I find.... It is also a waste of energy they could be saving for when something important needs questioning.

PS - have you tried the invisible sweary parrot thing? you have an imaginary parrot on your shoulder, who says exactly what it likes in situations where you can't do that for yourself (like at work) It is surprisingly therapeutic to imagine it saying " f**k off vinegar t*ts " or another phrase of your choosing. Enjoy! : D

f x

hiya SA.....When I read your posts Its like your the male version of me in the way you express yourself .....only a few thoughts here as I also keep up with your diary....

Firstly...your right about motivation and trying to make changes when you feel downtrodden is like trying to move a mountain....

Something that worked for me in the past when I had a horrible boss was rather than beating myself up daily I decided to make a decision not to make any decisions on my job for a month....that alone bought me breathing space and it also freed my head up to allow other opportunites/wood to be seen that I could'nt see for the trees so to speak....

You are also right about being a human being not a human doing...it is ok to be you.

Nothing wrong being melancholy ..no one can be Stepford happy all the time can they? its not real life.

This Boss ...with the permanent sand in her [email protected] wondering if she secretly fancies you?

Only asking that random question a bit left field as I had a male Boss once who treated me a bit like this woman is doing with you on some power trip.......turned out he had a passion for me that he had to mask behind being truly awful .

Just a thought...and maybe a totally hilarious one to you ..

If not then she is one self absorbed narcissist who as we know always need a victim or ten to pick on and I will also line up with Dusty to sort her out.

Big Hugs SA.....xx

good to read you still gamble free under difficult circumstances s.a

your 1018 days is still within my targets and as ive told you before your diary has inspired me as its just as easy to fall from great heights i.e over 1000 days than it is if your starting out on day 1.

Keep going friend,we can do this 😉

Hey bless you all... I am reflecting on what you guys and gals have said. My swearing parrot is singing the following tune..

f*** off vinegar t**s

f*** off vinegar t**s!

f*** off vinegar t**s!!

tum te tum te tum

Its friday the 13th and its been a difficult day at work to say the least. Am quite able but driving and restraining at the same time is beyond me lol

Me collegue gives me a lift home and says.. you need to go out on the p*s mate a reference to the stressful day just had... and me thinks yeah thats exactly what i would have done in the past... got bladdered and gambled or got bladdered had a hang over from hell and then gambled. So i thinks to myself... nah.. am gonna continue my not drinking for a while. I will have a drink and a laugh at some point but not as a reaction to Stress. After ive run my marathon in May and when the weather is warm I will have a drink and a laugh.

Funny thing is although today has been objectively pretty s**t and actually feeling pretty ok and pretty strong in myself.. today am coping just fine with the stress.. and am soothing myself just fine by coming here to have a write and a think and a read.

You know what the hardest part about todays incident was?? .. well.. it was the ringing for re-inforcements and the trying to explain to vinegar t**s what had happened and what WAS still on-going.. It was like.. stress due to clients behaviours and the stress of the confrontational tone I was getting down the phone.. the implication being... "Just deal with it!!" I don't care!!

"f*** off vinegar t**s!!!" .. la le la le la 😉

All is good and well with me. No gambling problems... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011