Hope

Thanks f 🙂

Am back on a level of sorts. Am just hanging tough at work breaking each day down into segments of time and taking the rough with the smooth. Am very proud of myself after i'd worked myself up into such a state on Sunday eve and having felt so irritable with them ulcers (healing slowly). I thought i'd go sick but I didn't. Two days to go and then its marathon weekend!

Preparation has gone to s**t though lol. Ive done no exercise for what feels like an age... and I just hope thats a good thing (rest and all that) and ive been drinking. Its like ive hardly drunk a drop for months and now two nights this week ive been out with with work mates quaffing a few smooth ones and am out again friday. Its been nice.. talking b*****ks in the pub and just generally having a moan and a laugh all rolled into one.

Ive always said in recent months that i would have a few beers when i was ready and this week ive been ready. Am keeping an eye on myself though.. no solitary drinking here.. a few social beers.. nothing more.

No gambling problems but as ever I know I need to watch out. I guess the reality is that my pressure relief has been beer. The stepping stone from beer to gambling is a small one.. must stay on my guard.

By the way ive been following the regular diaries that i keep up to date with and am sending positive vibes but it maybe a few days before i write to others. I just need to focus on self at the moment. But am sure that in writing for myself am also helping others which I like to do.

Thanks for listening folks... S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

Hang over today.. marathon tomorrow.. excellent!

Am buzzing.. ive been manic all week. me no ring in sick but ive been on the beer Monday, Wednesday, Friday. It seems to have released the pressure valve within and ive had a laugh at same time. Social beers.. no solitary drinking and no gambling. Thanks for listening.. S.A 🙂

Last gamble 24th December 2011

P.s not sure when i will next get a chance to post but rest assured that I will NOT mess up.. even though my history says that I am due for a gambling binge. I is learning from past mistakes. Gambling never has and never will top up my income or solve any of lifes problems. Gambling is a purely self-destructive activity and is not part of my life anymore.

So you should be proud SA!

Are you doing the marathon of the North? If so, in a weird twist of fate you will probably run right past my street. I will of course have no idea who you are, or you I!

Enjoy it, and great to see the positivity

f x

Hiya Sa,

Cheering you on...look forward to hearing how the day went.

Love Del x

Me too, can't wait to hear how you got on!

If your weather is anything like mine here, you will have had a perfect day for it.

NT

Me too, can't wait to hear how you got on!

If your weather is anything like mine here, you will have had a perfect day for it.

NT

Thanks Freda, Del, Nt. 🙂

Am pleased to say that no gambling since my last entry. Also pleased to say that ive now done my first marathon in a time of 4 hours 20 minutes. It was not the time I was looking for but to be honest it was not surprising given that in the two weeks before the race i was both physically very run down and going out drinking to. Anyways musn't be to hard on myself... well done to me!

Had some thoughts of gambling. The lottery has reared its head again. Part of me wants to buy a lottery ticket once a week. I could type out lots of well reasoned thoughts about why not to buy a lottery ticket.. but the thoughts persist.

I think part of it is that ive hemoraaged quite alot of money recently.. £25 for the race, £70 for train ticket and a bunch of money spent on beer last week. All my decision to do that but am now feeling the consequnces. I am a poor person and it feels like I will always be poor and stressing about money and lack of. Just like millions of others I guess.

I will do my best to get back on a level. No drinking for a while. Just knuckle down isn't it.. get on with life a day at a time. Try not to get too depressed and stressed out. Its just hard thats all. Thanks for listening... S.A

Last gamble.. 24th December 2011... thats 137 days ago.

Hi S.A,

Just read your last post and your thoughts on DF's diary. Regarding the latter, I couldn't agree more. I am also that person you describe. Constantly seem to be trying to fill the hole with pleasure. It sometimes gets me down 'cos I consider that really selfish. I have decided I will pursue as many healthy addictions as I can whilst removing food, gambling, drinking etc.

Regarding the urges. I am almost 6 months now apart from one day where I slipped. I do the lottery at work in a syndicate. I would also not see the problem of a once a week lottery ticket. That's ok for me 'cos I never have wanted to buy more than 2 lines anyway. As long as you are not expecting to win, it's fine with me. Also the money spent is an issue to me to. Whenever I have spent a bit excessively, the urge comes. I KNOW! I WILL WIN IT BACK. Often have but then the cycle starts again and the inevitable happens. Pre plan your spending, ok to have a blow out but only when its pre planned and not spontaneous. I know this sort of living can be boring at times but better to be living like that than throwing away thousands of pounds on something stupid like gambling. Don't expect, don't fret, don't worry. Easier said than done I know.

Take care mate, you are doing just fine.

IanB.

Hi ya,

Well done on completing your first marathon. As for the time have no doubt you will beat it next time.

Thank you for responding to my posts about addiction.

Maybe we all are cut from the same cloth. I totally agree , that spending hours on here is soooooooo much more benificial that in front of a fobt. What a distructive, senseless addiction gambling is.

I also agree that we are and always will be work in progress , and maybe that is the same for every Tom d**k and Harry. With or without a gambling addiction.

So for today, I continue to try to get some balance in my life, and I can see it is the same for you.

You always speak from your heart, and your posts are always filled with such honesty.

Take care.

Respect

Dusty xxxx

Ps I hope this is not speaking out of turn. But I truly wish that one day you will meet that special person, who will fill that void. Cause if there is one person who deserves it , it is you !

4hrs 20mins?!

You should be incredibly proud with this!

I have now had six attempts to break the 4hr 30min barrier and will be having another go next year at the London Marathon.

I know what it is like during the last 5 miles but you finished!

I'm sure that you will have your targets for your next one but for now...

...I will raise a virtual toast to you and say congratulations!

NT

Hiya SA,

I think 4 hrs 20 mins is very impressive...a big congratulations on this and also your gamble free time...be proud 🙂

My G & T glass is raised!

Love Del x

Thanks IanB, Dusty, Nt and Del 🙂

And yes your right. I should be very proud of my marathon acheivment. I ran it whilst hungover and ill but my inner resources kept me going. Thast what I like about distance running.. its the inner mental challenge. Pushing oneself to reach ones potential. Its like what they say about Everest.. why do people climb it?... they climb it because "its there!". I ran that marathon because folk had taken the time to organise it and set it up and because I wanted to challenge myself... and i want to challenge myself again because its one of the few things in my life that gets me feeling alive.

I feel like s**t today.. back to work, doing a late shift.. back to the inane mental chatter... back to the cerebral head f***... back to my job that goes against the best interests of my recovery. I need a physical job I need a job where i can work hard and just get on with it without all the caring and supporting and managing behaviours. I can do all that and i can do it well.. but at a terrible cost to me.. as dotty says in here diary.. picking up addictions along the way.... Time to start changing rather than just talking about changing my job...

One positive.. ive been invited to a comedy evening. I will go.. I need to laugh. Thanks for listening... S.A

Last gamble... 24th December 2011

Hi SA...

Thanks for posting there on my diary...I don't know if its the same for you but along with my job goes a great dollop of guilt as I am so directly connected with my end user...they are not a faceless demographic but mr and ms jones down the road who I see every week.

I don't know how I can be in my industry and be off the front line in my role as being in the private sector there is no real career structure.

Like everything it's the politics that kill the passion and I am glad that at least I have'nt got the same additional stress as you have with your Boss.

Sometimes its frustrating when you don't see and end result to the effort put in..at least if I made something I would feel a sense of satisfaction that there was something to show for all that effort rather than like you say ..managing behaviours and juggling personalities.

I even get the jitters if my Boss ring me on a friday night after hours so i cant ring her and leaves either no message or "I need to speak to you next week"...and gives me no idea what its about..

All weekend i cant rest because i am worrying i have done something grossly wrong or looked at someone the wrong way....

Just rambling now...but hopefully one day I can do something that stops the mental churning...

In the meantime...its back to one day at a time and just trying to switch off occasionally and do something different with my home time to literally "get out of my head" in a good way and not use wine or clothes shopping.

None of us want to go back to the dark days and i think it just may take something outside ourselves that we could not imagine to make us think about things differently and make some changes.

Handing it over at the moment,keeping mindful and aware and seeing what comes back...

Back to the sanctuary tomorrow.... theres no place like home....

Take care and keep strong SA......your doing great despite everything you have to deal with xxxxx

Rach and Dotty xx

Hiya SA

Thanks for your message 🙂 It was great. You've been a great support over the years...hope your having a nice evening. Hug.

Love Del x

Hi SA,

just swinging by to say well done on the marathon! brilliant achievement!

hope you enjoyed the comedy night, i love stuff like that too. when it comes to stress relief and comfort, i believe we should all look to toddlers as our gurus. they don't worry what others think of them, they just get rid of their frustrations unapologetically then get on with their business.

of course, there are certain situations where we can't do that. i would love to see your bosses face if you threw yourself to the floor and started beating it with your fists!!!

do you know what they sometimes do as therapy with psychiatric patients? colouring in. not because psychiatric patients need patronising or treating like children, but because it is "playing". i think we as adults, often forget how to play. i love plodging in the sea (yes, the north sea, us norveners are ard!), drawing and doodling, playing with my animal on the floor, surprising people, dancing - it's all play. and very therapeutic!

don't know why i started rambling on about that, but there you go. we even went to the playpark ages ago, one christmas when we knew there would be no kids there and we wouldn't look like P****s without a child with us(!) and played on the swings and whooped as we went down the slide!

anyway, maybe play therapy could be another tool in your stress toolbox? i like to give you feedback, because i think you understand that i am not a critical person, but rather a positive, constructive person - and i notice that exercise seems to be a strong stress busting tool for you. i would like to see you develop loads of others to draw on too, as i have noticed when it is taken away due to injury or whatever it has sometimes left you vulnerable.

anyways, lots of love, and asda sell chocolate cadbury medals which i totally think you should buy yourself for your epic marathon feat! 😉

keep on doing the great stuff

f x