Hope

Day 450 without a gamble of any kind. That is good news.

Other than that I really don't know what to say and I don't know what to do. I just want to sleep but when I lie in bed I don't sleep.

Todays big decision is whether to go to work tomorrow for a 14 hour shift! The following day is a 12 hour shift and the day after another 12 hour shift. I am in no fit state to work even though I am quite fit. Physically I can cope (if I don't cycle) mentally I don't think I can. Am over tired and worried that I will break down. Strangely I think that one of the triggers will be milling around not knowing what to do for the best and just not wanting to be there or some client just being so irritating or doing something so random that it just tips me over the edge.

I realise I am a very physical person. I need to be doing something. I can't just sit and look at my phone whilst my client sits and watch Tv or whatever. I start going stir crazy. I should go and see the doctor.... not to go on anti-depressants.. I will heal myself when my situation improves... but to get the sick note and then I can decide whether I want to use it or not.

My life still going around in circles the funk continues, it gets worse in fact. Thanks for listening.. S.A

No bet since 18th November 2012

Day 450 continues....

Well its been engaged the whole time I was trying to ring doc's, so ive given up. What would I say anyway? "wos is me woe is me woe is me"... ok do you want me to write you a sick note? yes please, off I go. Of course in the back of my mind I have the following thoughts "pull yourself together, what would your mother think!"

I think ive already decided to show up tomorrow and see what happens.

Come on you f*** wit, stay strong, stay focussed, stay cool, hang tough like a mean mudda f****r!!

Day 450 still continuing...

Well I have calmed myself for now. The next 3 days I will just see as a block of work. I will either be at work, on a bus to or from work or in bed. I will up date on my state of mind at the weekend.

The agency has given me details of where they could offer me shifts. Its in a lovely rural setting.. a school/residential unit for children with special needs. Am gonna do a test cycle at the weekend to see if I can get there ok. My gut feeling is that it might be a good move. My agent said that it would suit my background and experience. It maybe that I can tolerate where I have just gone and pick up a few shifts at this new place.. and see how things pan out.

I am clutching at straws a bit but I can't afford to have a mini-melt down. I have to hang tough. I have no back up really if I go under. I have to look after myself.

Onwards... S.A

Day 450 comes to a close...

Do I want to get up at 5.30, be on a bus at 6.30 and work from 8 a.m till 10 at night to get back on a bus and be home at gone 11 to sleep a few hours to then get up and do it all again... for a job that's driving me crazy... no! Ive texted boss to say am sick and am off to the docs in the morning and will be off for rest of week. f**k it... my health and my sanity comes first!

No gambling.

I feel ever so guilty... but its got to be done

Yo,

No guilt !

That company have hardly treated you well , and they will cover it, cos that's what happens . They get agency staff in.

Your priority my dear friend had to be you , still go and have a look at the children's place . My daughter works in a home for special children and loves it .

Put yourself and your needs first ,

Hope you get on ok at the doctors .

Take care

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hi SA

Please forgive me for saying so but I recognise this sort of behaviour in myself! Not sure if it's good or otherwise but I would be wanting a week to be over and I would switch off and block the rest of the world out. Might be a common trait amongst CGs so just be careful. For me it was looking for instant gratification but obviously I had to wait them few days. Just saying here and might be barking up wrong tree but worth thinking about

Take care

Good on you mate, put yourself first for a change. No reason to feel guilty. Companies like that work their employees into the ground without any compassion. Get yourself better and your strength back. Always look after yourself.

Lazarus

Day 451 gambling free.

Thank you everybody.

What a pickle ive got myself into. Much the same pickle I got myself into when I last left full time work in the autumn of 2010.... Feeling very unhealthy in mind, body and soul, which means more impulsive panic ridden decisions and actions to come combined with plenty of inaction and duvet diving.

Things will work out, or they won't... S.A

Hi SA,

Be kind to urself my friend. Don't feel sorry for taking some time off. You can't work to live, you need to look after urself and ur health. Things will get better, the roller coaster of live can through us few surprises, don't run away from them. You are doing right thing. Stay strong, calm and look ahead.

You are not on ur own.

Take care

Sandra x

Day 451 continues...

Thanks Sandra, am trying (some might say very trying). I went to the docs, had a bit of a meltdown. Came out with anti-depressants and a sick note saying "stress related disorder"... how quickly I am falling. Maybe this was inevitable after 3 hard years in an emotionally demanding job.

Trying to look after myself and am not gambling. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Day 452 gambling free.

Meltdown continues. That is all... S.A

I would not wish unhappiness on anyone S.A. but as I've said before you are a great example of someone who doesnt say life is wonderful because you have stopped gambling for a long time. I find it reassuring and refreshing that there are some like you out there in amongst those who have managed to find complete peace and happiness having removed gambling from their lives.

Best wishes and hope things improve for you soon.

Hi SA,

Still here and still listening..b kind to yourself (((( SA ))))

If you would like i would b more than happy to share email address with you....anything what helps..

Take care

S x

S.A.

Fella I know there are no words to free the troubles from your mind, you have to work through them alone to come through the other side.

I understand depression alot more today, another silent illness with some terrible affects.

As Sandra says if there is anything you know we are here.

Unconditional.

And just to add personally I don't take comfort or find your state of play in any way refreshing.

Gambling I know is not the issue here.

It would be a very temporary escape, a road we have shared before.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi S.A.,

Echoing Duncs there (with a megaphone) and wanting to add a hug as well. (((((S.A.)))))) -joan