Hope

Yo,

So wishing I could spread a bit of fairy dust , to help ease your troubled mind .

Like every one else just want you to know I care , and also say over the last 2 years you have been a great inspiration to me .

Explaining to me , that I wasn't mad just ultra sensitive to my environment eased a burden that I had been carrying for tooooooo many years .

Every day I log on , to see if things are any better for you . Please stay strong , hopefully the meds will work within a week or so and you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel .

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

There are so many people rooting and thinking about you SA, me included. Don't worry about meltdowns, I pity those who haven't had them, meltdowns help you change into someone else, tough insights will be learned but undoubtedly you become a stronger, better person. Rest up and give your mind and body a chance to recover and regain a sense of balance. Worrying and associated anxiety plays havoc with how we feel. You will come through the other side as Duncs stated, it's ineviatable. Whatever outcome, whatever life throws at you now you will be able to cope with, you may not think so but you will. Once you're free from worry and you have your energy levels back you will see everything in a different light.

Take care SA

Laz

Using my last bit of battery to let you know I am thinking of you and please don't be scared, as you have said so often, that sun will come up again.

Listening and wishing you well.

xxx

Day 453 gambling free and thank you each and everyone of you. Without this outlet I'd probably be in a worse place.

Posted my sick note off yesterday and then had a cycle over to my friends (I needed exercise) and watched a bit of telly and generally just a bit of company for a while. Spoke to my sister as well and spoke the truth. She new something was up. Its good to talk.

The mornings are the worst. Am just wide awake at 5.30 feeling panicky, feeling like am destined to go round this self-destructive cycle of in-work stability but stressed followed by out-of work instability and stressed forever and a day. I didn't expect to have such a strong reaction to events as I have. I forget that I have a highly sensitive nervous system and that my reaction to any sort of change is more pronounced than most.

Like you say Dragonfly, the sun goes up, the sun goes down. Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Sorry that the new job doesn't seem to be offering much different to the other job that you have. It is indeed good to talk, I'm a natural bottler, at least in terms of bottling up emotions and stresses. Please feel free to tell me to f**k off if you like, but do you have any options outside your current line of work, as caring for others, particularly in your field is often a stressful profession.

I know I have taken time to find something that I am comfortable with and in most parts I can close the door of the office and not think of it until I have to go back. I took a demotion to get back to that job, after spending a stressful year in a higher pay grade, but one where the stress didn't match up with the reward for me.

Hope you find the path that suits you mate, and I hope you find a way to break that cycle.

Ryan

Day 453 continues....

Thanks Ryan... am confused and in a right pickle about the whole work thing. My colleagues want me back. My best mate at work is waiting to see if I go back before deciding whether to accept a job offer or not. If I go back he says he will stay.

Of course it has to be my decision and at the same time I am rapidly burning my bridges with a company that doesn't have a lot of compassion anyway... and at the same time I need to come out of this with an income of sorts.

Am signed off for 2 weeks, that is if they haven't simply ended my contract as per my original resignation. I think their are several twists and turns to come, none of them great. Agency says they can offer me work (as soon as I give them the nod), I will go and look at the place and see how long it takes to cycle there over the weekend.

Everything feels like a gamble (even though I haven't gambled for 453 days) or an exercise in self-destruction. At the back of my mind I await the calls from family wanting to know what's going on and the inevitable sigh's at my poor choices and "here we go again"... what mess has he got into himself this time.

Come on S.A, you can muddle through and get to a better place. Its ok to make mistakes and get in a pickle...its all part of being human. Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 454 gambling free....

Slept ok and then woke and remembered the situation in which I have put myself and anxiety returned in a flash and an overriding desire to block out the thoughts in any way possible. Returning to sleep would have been good but once am awake am awake.

It reminds me of the gambling hangover accept that was much much worse. You know the feeling when you wake up and you suddenly remember all the money you lost the previous day and you feel the panic rising within. You don't want to have to think about it but its too late the memories are fresh and the consequences are real and they force there way into your consciousness whether you like it or not.

Do I phone my boss on Monday and say "please take me back from whence I came, I made a mistake....or do I give this new place a real try... or do I do nothing and wait to see what they do (if anything)... or do I ask to go part-time and then pick up shifts on the agency... or do I just pick up shifts on the agency and look for something, anything else, care or not care related or do I.... and so the permutations continue.. or will they just let me go...or have they just actioned my earlier resignation anyway.

What a mess. My colleague at work says, just grow some balls and come back.. What to do eh, what to do??? 🙁

Many years ago I did mental health nursing. I was three quarters of the way through the course. I was working in an acute mental health unit, I was also gambling like a loon, utterly swamped with debt eeking out a miserable existence in the worlds worst bedsit. One day I was supposed to be on a 7-3 shift but on the way in I took a detour to the local park lay on the grass and spent the day looking at the fluffly clouds in the sky. That was the end of my nursing career. I never went back and nobody phoned to ask why I hadn't gone in... that was it the end, finished.

You can imagine the sense of disappointment I felt in myself.. 2 years hard graft, for what, for nothing. I also remember sitting in my bedsit waiting for someone off the course to ring to find out what was going on.. but no call ever came. For me as I felt then it only underlined the fact that nobody really cared. The only person that cared was me and I didn't care either... it was another 3 to 4 years before I eventually wound up in rehab.

No thoughts or urges to gamble. Just worried at what decisions I will make next. Thanks for listening... S.A

S.A

Fella glad to see you are making good use of your diary, I believe you are making progress, I understand you cant see it right now, but it is there in black and white, you are not running away anymore.

As far as work is concerned you have to do what is good for you, look after number one, don't be pressured into pleasing other folk, surely that would just be further punishment for yourself.

If you can afford it, use the two weeks to make the choice, thae quack did'nt sign you off for his health!!!

Keep on keeping on my friend.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 455 or 65 weeks without a bet of any kind.

Your right Dunc's I can't see it right now. I don't know what am doing or what I want to do. Am just blocking things out in my mind just now in any way possible, except for gambling. I spent much of yesterday in bed. Hunger got me down to the local shop for something to eat but that was about it. Its very unlike me to stay in all day.

Am gonna try and motivate myself to go for a run. Thanks for listening.. S.A

Day 455 continues...

Its dawned on me that my depression is (in part)about the struggle to make decisions the struggle to figure what to do and then to actually do it. I tend to make decisions in isolation. I tend not to talk to people first or get good advice. I tend to go with my gut instinct in the moment or just panic and do something daft.

Having said all this. I am trying to seek support this time and at the end of a text conversation with my mate from work he set out my options very clearly.. either

a. Ask to come back or

b. Leave altogether and find something else.

Its good to read it in black n white sometimes. There was an option c. and that was to make a go of the new place... but I don't want to.. so some progress made.

I make good use of my diary and I don't gamble. Thanks for listening... S.A

Nice one S.A. Because you never ran away and gambled or avoided these obstacles which have dogged you, you're left stronger, wiser and more confident. You're beginning to come through the other side and you should be proud. Whatever happens you will cope and you'll be a better person for it.

As worry gives way to strength you should start to feel your energy rising and your mood lifting.

You're never alone for we are all similar in many ways.

Lazarus

Hey SA.... just caught up on your diary and honestly, could copy and paste the bulk of it into mine. For that reason, not so sure I should give any advice as I never seem to take it. I hate having to make any sort of decision. Sometimes, even deciding what clothes to put on is too much for me! But having said that, I can occasionally

(rarely) pull myself out of the depressive state I spend most of my time in.... how? Exercise helps me and I know you're a runner and likely don't feel the effects of exercise as profoundly as this couch surfing expert does, but it does seem that your mental state worsens the longer you stay away from your runs. I also find it quite uplifting when I try something new (something that has the potential to be fun, that is)... like my brief stint trying djembe drumming, until the tennis elbow got in the way. Maybe there's something new you could try? Volunteering at something completely different than your work setting? As far as work goes, is it possible to negotiate with your boss, not about money but about things that bother you which might be improved relatively easily? I think often we get frustrated and depressed because we don't feel empowered in our work (or maybe I'm just talking to me....?)! Anyway... sorry to hear you are feeling so glum and am thinking of you. ((((SA))))

Lastly, wishing you a belated Happy Birthday! http://www.flixxy.com/happy-b…ers.htm#.Uv7BP_LwMSw.facebook

Not to make light of having to go to a job you detest every day but... I just stumbled on this and thought it was funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NsxZp8F0aE

Day 456 gambling free.

Thank you Carla and Lazarus.

Monday morning. You can't win with Monday mornings. Your either off to work with the prospect of the full working week ahead (whatever that may entail) or your not off to work and your wondering what to do with your self... which for the first time in a very long time is how I find myself this grey Monday morning. On a positive these anti-depressants seem to be kicking in and I feel not to bad all things considered.

I have things I need to do today and most important is phoning the agency and hopefully picking up some shifts.. but whatever I do or don't do today one thing is for sure.. I won't be gambling!

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA

No gambling is the best starting point for any CG! From there on in you can only win even if the day isn't especially a good one. We learn, every day, as we go along in recovery. Hope today turns up a surprise or two for you!

Take care whatever happens