Hope

Get well soon SA. When you feel miserable, you think miserable, try not to listen. In a few days you'll be back on your feet again with a spring in your step. Be kind to yourself.

Everything passes

Laz

Day 447 continues...

yes Laz, miserable or ****** depressed is certainly the word of the day. In fact my mental health is f****n awful today. Ive just spent half an hour looking at the margarine trying to "will it" back into the fridge... unsurprisingly it wasn't co-operating. I really wouldn't mind if somebody took me to the vets and had me put down.. ive completely lost the desire to be alive. Sounds a bit dramatic but that's how I feel at this moment in time. I accept as you say Laz that "everything passes"....

Yo,

So with you on that one , my mental health also in a much deteriorated state .

So could join you at the vets .

Suppose we just have to get through it .

But I know one thing for sure , we will mate , it's not easy , but we will .

Shiny xxxxx

Hi (((( SA))))

Oh..man...i wish i could help you somehow and drag u back to more light...it is true, it will pass my friend, try to get some good rest this weekend and i hope you feel the whole lot better soon.

My thoughts with you..you doing great my friend, be kind to urself

Sandra xx

Hi SA,

Sorry to hear you're feeling down, maybe its something to do with the time of year and the filthy weather conditions that mean quite a few people on here aren't feeling at their best.

Thoughts like the ones you're having hit many people from time to time, and although they are horrible, they do pass. You've had the strength to march onwards through recovery for well over a year, and you do have the strength to keep pushing through the negative thoughts too.

As for the margarine, don't worry about it. I was in the kitchen the other week, and out loud asked the marmite what it was doing there next to the recycling. Living by myself does mean I am prone to talking to myself. I'm not sure if it responded really quietly, but I do think I perceived an aura of guilt around the sly spread.

Hope the weekend improves and brings you into next week on an upward trajectory.

Ryan

Day 448 with not a penny gambled in that time.

Thank you everybody for responding to my self-pity. Its amazing how quickly I can deteriorate.

Ive completely lost my habits and routines that help keep me stable. Going for a run is now like something I did in a past life time, although in reality its only a week since last run.

I suppose everything has kinda collided. Illness could not have come at a worse time and tomorrow I start at my new place of work. I really really don't want to go, but I will because work is what seems to hold my fragile existence together.

Ive been thinking about the phrase that Dunc's mentioned "cutting off the nose to spite the face" otherwise known as a "needlessly self-destructive over-reaction to a problem".

A normal healthy person who maybe unhappy in their job, would first find another job before resigning from their current job. My history has never been like this. What I tend to do is to stick with my job however unhappy I maybe until the point comes when I just can't cope any longer and then I resign, regardless of whether I have anything to go to or not. This time is no exception.

Its like a I resign with no concrete plans, having signed up with one agency only who may or may not have found me work and then I work my notice and then literally a day before my last shift a manager says do you want a transfer and I say "yes" more out of panic than anything.

I now face the prospect of quite a long journey to work, shift work and working with the narcissistic manager that I was so happy to see the back of a year ago when she herself transferred. It is more money, that is something.

I am seriously hating myself though. I am so tired of going through my life doing "self-destructive" things that keep me in a perpetual state of stress, anxiety and depression.

I do it to myself I do. When will I stop doing it to myself? Is this it and then at some point I will die and then the gods at the Pearly gates will look at this poor soul and muse that this one is a "life unlived".. what a shame.

Logically the way forward for me is to show up at work tomorrow and beyond, take whatever comes my way and be greatful if it isn't so bad BUT also to look for new work that isn't so emotionally draining. Same old same old. Will I do it? Tired of going round and round in circles.

Surprisingly if you met me, you probably wouldn't realise how I really feel. I can be cheerful, animated and good company. Its a front though. Its a necessary front in order to function isn't it, in order to get by, in order to get on with people, to be accepted as part of the team to be accepted as part of anything.

Its my birthday today. My sister phones me at 6 a.m, thinking I'd still be asleep and she'd leave a message, but I was up. She's just back from New York. She's taken her husband there for his 50th, they just flown back. This is what healthy, non-addicted people are able to do. Fair play.

I was supposed to have a couple of friends over yesterday. I cancelled. I was ill but also angry with one friend. he's showed up the other day with this tail of how he'd turned a very tiny amount of money into a "not so tiny" amount of money over the course of a few hours gambling. Anyway am not really listening to him, cos I don't really care but at the end of it I says "so what did you do with that money?... did you put £10 credit on your phone, so you can text me when your coming over as opposed to just showing up and he says no... he says " I lost the lot the following day"... and I thought... selfish w****r. That's what we all become when we gamble isn't it?.. selfish w*****s. Anyway I phones my other mate and has a right old moan about him, about that and other stuff... and then yesterday I goes to the shops and when I comes home he's left birthday presents for me outside my door. I think whats all this about???... he hasn't got any money and yet he;s bought me birthday presents?? He feels guilty doesn't he.... I guess I draw comfort knowing someone who is perhaps even more f***** up in the head than I am.

No f*****g gambling. No gambling you f***** up f****r. I talk to myself. Quite a lot in fact. Thanks for listening... S.a

Hi SA, I can identify a lot with what you've written and I bet (metaphorically) a lot on here can too. Try to ride out these waves of thoughts until you feel better or counter them so they don't leave you feeling worthless. For when we feel worthless is when we self destruct, one way or the other. I too use to think about my reception at the pearly gates with great regularity. It went something like this

Peter: well, well, well. You never amounted to much did you? Wasted your life, our creation. Just existed but not lived.

Me: wasn't my fault Peter, you never dealt me any aces, life was against me from the start, you never gave me the attributes to be a go getter.

Peter: we gave you everything you need. Alongside free will. You just chose to waste everything. You're an absolute failure.

Me: I know! Well what happens now, can I still get in and meet John Lennon.

Peter: not likely sunshine, you start over again as a slug and work your way up. Enjoy having a peniss on your head because you deserve it. Bye, bye.

Yet, I came to realise life's not like that. It doesn't really matter at all. You beat yourself up sometimes because you feel your not reaching your potential, expectations, that life is passing you by. I tortured myself thinking like this but gradually I became content and happily stuck two fingers up to life and those miserable thoughts.

I like to sometimes do amateur archeology, finding places to dig, unearthing artifacts and selling them on. Last year I discovered a practically deserted and relatively untouched Victorian large home/farmhouse which had been bulldozed decades ago alongside a motorway. I was digging away, collecting welsh slate, tiles etc when I tried to imagine the people's lives who lived there. They probably all worked and rested, maybe read, enjoyed walks, company. The greatest thrill they ever experienced was going on a train at 13mph or perhaps getting on a horse, and I imagined this 'lack' is stimulus had stretched back through generations for aeons. Were they any less happy? did they feel as if life was passing them by? That they were failures. I would wager (metaphorically) definitely not. So what is the difference between us and them? Well for a start we are constantly bombarded with images of what it is to be 'successful,' what we need to have, or attained, or been to, or banged to be happy. We are far, far, far to over stimulated in many ways for our own good, to the point were life, true life, in comparison appears dull.

You and I SA are not failures, or under achievers, or indeed watching life as a spectator rather than a player. We are just like everybody else. When you free yourself from all those bad thoughts then you feel light, unshackled in a way. Who cares? What's the point? I know you're a really decent man, I read your diary because it's interesting, honest, genuine and ordinary (in a great sense). All entwined with a sometimes self deprecating gallows humour, which as I mentioned before is something I can identify with. You are like the rest of us and it's who you are which counts.

Life will come and go for all of us. It's not about being happy all the time but just enjoying those times or indeed moments of joy and contentment which are often surrounded by mundane and sorrow. Yet, life is still wonderful, it can be hard, frustrating, annoying even but that's now ok with me, It's not what I amass but what I become which now matters.

So if I ever meet Peter at the Pearly gates I'm not really bothered about what he or anybody else thinks of me because it doesn't really matter, what matters is what I allow to go through my head.

As for your mates. That's always difficult and will tear you up somewhat. My childhood mates who we grew up together through thick and thin still play a part in my life. Some are gamblers, some are junkies and it's difficult because your torn between cutting ties for your own peace of mind or perpetually being there for them it's a simple choice between guilt and misery. I tend to juggle between the two depending on how I feel or time I have.

Life can be difficult SA but don't let it get you down, it must be awful not being well enough to shake off your thoughts with a run. Concentrate on resting and getting better, tomorrow is another day and think about it when you get there. Good luck in your newish job, shudda pushed for a company car though and a 23 year old PA called Trisha, remember that for next time.

Take care, get plenty of Weetabix inside you, then again maybe not. Keep twiddling your toes and enjoy it too.

Hope that ramble makes a bit of sense.

Indiana Lazarus Jones

Well, it doesn't sound like you're all that happy right now but I'm popping in to say Happy Birthday anyway! It seems that many of us are in a deep funk lately. What is it? Is it the long, dark days getting to us? Something in the water? I believe it's as Lazarus said....

"What matters is what I allow to go through my head." We need to feed ourselves positive thoughts. That's so hard to do when we're down.

Is it also the work changes? That's quite scary and may be affecting you more than you realize. Anyway, SA, hang in there. You have to believe things will improve. And Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday ((((( SA))))) xx

The storm u found urself in at the minute will pass...you are worth all the best from this life. It can b a b itch sometimes, but after low days we can only come back stronger..

Get those trainers on dear fighter, I am right behind u willing u on!!!

Take care

S x

Day 449 gambling free.

I really appreciate your thoughts. Unable to reply properly... am in a bad way, a real head funk and on an emotional rollercoaster. I hope to get to a better place but I don't know when that will be...

Thanks for listening.. S.A

(((((( SA )))))..you will get to the better place..please let us know if we can be helpfull in any way..always here my friend..stay strong..keep belief going.

My thoughts are with u.

S x

Take care, just accept the way you feel, always darkest before the dawn.

Laz

Day 449 continues....

Sandra, you and many others do what you can, your virtual hugs and supportive words reach me but the bottom line is that only I can change myself, change my reactions to life and only I can be good to myself and stop myself doing self-destructive things. Ive done 1 shift at my new place of work and am already ready to walk. Am so tired of people with learning disabilities.

Today I cycled hard for an hour in the rain and the cold to then spend the day walking with a client in the rain and the cold (and their behaviours) to then cycle hard for an hour plus to get home. Am shattered.

Ok the cycle was my choice and I could have bussed it but am just so tired of dealing with people and their behaviours... am just falling apart and losing the plot

S.A you could of really done with at least a week off between the two jobs at least. As its the same company the two jobs maybe you should ask for a break.

You honestly need a break from the sounds of it!

Really hope your mood picks up soon!

Yo,

Know it is impossible to find the right words to turn this funk around . But still feel the need to post , just to let you know , I along with a fair few care .

Just putting one foot in front of the other can seem like a mission when we are like this . I hope that it passes quickly , then you can take stock and decide what to do next .

Till then stay strong mate ,

Shiny xxxxxxxx