Hope

Thanks both and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Three days back to work and am already completely tired but coping well enuff. Some people don't half drain my mental energy though... "fault finders". We all know them and I guess every work place has them. Those people who don't have anything positive to say but by gum don't they just love to let you know if you "get something wrong", "make a mistake" or god forbid "are just not very good at something". They just love it don't they... big themselves up at some one elses expense.

I am old enough and wise enough (after having worked in many different work settings over the years) to know.... "not to react to it" or just to laugh along with it etc etc... but inside your just thinking what a complete egocentric t**t you are! lol For these people make the working environment a more miserable place to be in.

Talking of misery... did you know that in the 1990's it was men in there 20's who had the highest suicide rate but today its men in their 40's who have the highest suicide rate... in other words its the same cohort... and I am part of that gang! Thankfully though, its only when am in the grips of compulsive gambling that those dark thoughts enter my brain. The further away from gambling I get the less likely it is that i will become the maker of my own demise.

Today I have not gambled. Today I feel fine.

Thanks for listening... S.A

SA

My good friend I am delighted to read your enjoying recovery again.

I have encountered many folk who seem to enjoy throwing stones in my direction, funny because it would appear many smash their own glass houses in the process.

I like you have learnt to outwardly smile and inwardly laugh.

Keep making the right choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi SA,

Great post to read. Today I have not gambled and today I feel fine.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi lovely person,

the fault finders are usually the ones that lack confidence in their own ability to do the job themselves so heed them little as you are overflowing with skills.

Love the title of your thread, sad today as Kenneth and partner keep chasing their two surviving cygnets away when I try to feed them as they are fully grown and are really quite viscious, life can be cruel as we well know.

Still listening.

xxx

Hi SA,

Just a flier by - am proud of you and hoping you're having a lovely, stress free day.
keep on keeping on...and running of course 😉

S x

Thanks folks 🙂

Pleased to say that no gambling since my last post... 50 days clean once again.

Its been a very tiring week, mentally and physically, but surprisingly easy not to gamble.

Lots of issues and bad feeling at work, which at times feels difficult to navigate. But also moments of humour and cheerfulness to. Am really looking forward to the end of winter proper. The whole cycling thing is starting to take its toll, even though I enjoy the freedom and fresh air. Am tired and dehydrated and struggling to sleep alot of the time. Its not something I can maintain long term. If I don't squander my money, by next winter, I will be able to hire a car, even if am not in a position to buy one. Hopefully I won't be working where am working now, ive already said to the agency i'd like to work in a school closer to home. Of course as it turns out the agency has dealing with many schools in my area, but of course they like me working where i work cos they struggle to get people who are prepared to work with the kids who have more challenging needs. I think i'd like to work with kids who are more able (high functioning aspergers etc) becuase i think i'd feel like I am making a difference and developing my teaching skills. The kids I work with now, will never be able to read or write or make a hot drink safely, though there is always this pressure for ALL children to be seen to be acheiving. I see this pressure in my class teacher. often I am handed a piece of work to do with the child I am supporting. Often the child is more interested in eating the task (the glue stick, the felt pen, the plastic wallet and the task itself) rather than engage in the task. It feels pointless to be doing these type of tasks with severely disabled children and yet i persevere because I am required to.

I feel like I am a very good support worker and carer. I am quite effective and tuning into the childs needs and keeping them calm and keeping them on a level and happy. I build very affective rapport with anyone really. God this is starting to sound like a CV lol However am not a great teaching assistant, particularly with kids that have no interest in learning as the wider public would understand learning.

Sometimes I think ive had a good day with this child. They leave school happy and content but in the same breath I can be seen not to have had a good day with the child because they haven't performed some of the meaningless (to them!) tasks they have been required to do and that I have been required to get them to do...... hence I might be in the dog house! Its hard sometimes.

... and then at the end of the day you have the permanent staff writing away and then someone might say "Yeah, such and such has acheived level 2 in !" at which point some certificate might appear, which is then laminated (makes it harder to eat) and stuck on the wall or goes in a file or is sent off to parents. The teaching assistant has then satisfied there job desription and thats what matters. I know I am being quite synical but thats how it is in my mind for the kids that I work with anyway. At the end of the day I am carer/support worker... thats what i am good at.

Went out for a long run this morning. Its definately lifted my mood. Ive just realised that ive been to depressed to write for the last few days. Its just tiredness and fatigue really. At this moment in time though I feel really quite good. Long may it last.

Gambling really is a quite sould destroying activity. Even after a steady run of 50 days clean I start to feel better and stronger in myself. My friend confirms that he has gambled away all his pension release money and is now back to living off crumbs week in and week out. I do not pass judgement cos ive lived that way all my life and I understand how it happens. Am still his mate even though I beat him at chess on Friday and he didn't like that. 🙂

As for me I feel like I am finally learning to parent myself... and to put boundaries around myself... because if I don't do it, nobody else is going to. No gambling and everything else in moderation.

... and so life goes on.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Good Morning Mr. S.A

What a post man!!!! It's so great to read how you are growing. Keep goooooooing!! -joanxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks S.A

We are all a work in progress my friend. Day counts dont really mean much to me, never have. Everybody gets there in their own time, it isnt a race or a competition. Recovery isnt measured by time but by actions

Regards
Dan

Hi SA

Bullseye 50 days half way to the magic treble figure, your gambling recovery is going well I know the school holidays are always a challenge and you breezed through half term....and good luck fella with any new challenges that come your way.

onwards and upwards Ginger.

Hi SA,

Thanks for popping by with your support, and look at you 51 days today, well done.

Lovely last strong post.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

You're one great soldier in these ranks ranks not "rakes" lol and so good to have you by our side! Very well done on your continued battle against this evil..things will get better...need to keep being kind to ourselves and let the rest of things around us to unfold in their own time.

Well done and keep fighting and running of course 😉

Sandra x

Hi SA,

Thanks for your recent kind supportive post.

Well done on those 50 days my friend. Hopefully, slowly we are both clawing our sanity back from that daft reckless, pointless gambling that used to promise so much but deliver so little.

Keep adding those days on to that total matey. One at a time is enough.....

Keep strong

All the best

Ade

Thanks folks 🙂

Well pleased to say that no gambling since my last post and thankfully am not plagued by thoughts of gambling either. So this is good news. But.. need to offload....

am feeling pretty f****d. I am mentally and emotionally losing the plot, almost to the point of wanting to lie on the grass and look at the fluffly clouds all day. The demands of getting up at lark oclock, cycling for miles and dealing with demanding people (not just the kids), cycling home and then doing it all again the next day..is getting to me. The more f****d I get the less I am able to cope and ive started having mini-meltdowns at work where I just completely lose my self-confidence and all I want to do is run away and sit in a dark room. Sometimes am struggling to speak and form sentences and the more I try to join in with staff chatter the less i am able to do so. Some staff are very unforgiving or oblivious of my deteriorating mental health or atleast thats how it feels to me and it seems as if the demands of my work are increasing. To top it all off I agreed to go out for a staff night out last night. I really struggled. No sure I said more than 10 words. Social self-confidence was at zero.

.....and so life continues....

look after myself I hear you say. I will try.

Thanks for listening... S.A

So sorry to hear your colleagues not being supportive of you 🙁 I could cry, I really could! It may be that they have their own demands but that is no excuse for not supprting people who are going balls out to support them!

Do not give up on you because those kids really need people like you giving them the care & attention you do even though the skills you are being asked to teach them are pointless! They will be able to feel your energy even whilst chomping away on their laminated certificates! People setting pointless tasks for severely disabled children have rarely spent time interacting with them because if they had, they would realise the importance of people like you & would be dishing out certificates to you everytime a child spends a calm day & goes home smiling!

I have to admit, I rather like the idea of making grass Angels whilst watching the clouds go by so maybe just give it a couple of minutes (not an entire day), you may find it relaxes you! You will get there with a car but until then, just keep thinking of the health benefits of cycling! Warmer weather is right around the corner!

Keep winning this fight - ODAAT

Hey SA

Ha ha the kids are the easy part I guess! !!

I feel for you my dear friend, my wife who has for the past lord knows how many years looked after children with various behavioural and mental conditions has been talking about finding a new job, one which would be less mentally demanding so I can emulate with you to a certain degree.

Personally I believe you all deserve a medal! ! Without doubt I would struggle to finish one day's work in a school! !

I just don't have the patience.

Take the massive positive fella you haven't sought the self damaging escapism of gambling.

For that is reason to celebrate.

Enjoy your weekend.

Abstain and maintain.

Duncs stepping forward never back.