Hope

Thanks SA, you are one of the soldiers on here who keeps me marching on forwards in my recovery,

Well done for dismissing those thoughts by talking through with them and coming out on top. You are soo right, we can't play not even a little dabble because we simply can't stop once we start, so there is no point at all in going down that destructive path.

The only win we do get is to keep abstaining and you are doing it.

Have a lovely gambling free winning day today

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne... am very much back in the land of recovery after yesterdays urges. Sometimes ya just have to dig deep but it feels nice when ya come out the otherside "recovery intact".

The washing machine repair man has just been. he made a nice long list of things that need replacing on my machine. Hopefully the insurance people will now condem it to the grave and make me an offer on a new machine. Makes me think that if i'd have given up on recovery... then that little direct debit would have long since stopped and now i'd have had to find the full amount to replace said washing machine.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Thanks for dropping by and offering your support. Sorry to hear you have issues with washing machine..(maybe that repair man was fooling ya around cause it's 1st of April?)...but in any case my friend, abstaining and maintaining will buy you very good washing machine in no time. Very proud of you for riding the urges out...i shall take some of that strength from yours and will keep fighting alongside you.

Stay safe and keep posting

Sandra x

Thanks all and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

I seem to be shelling out quite alot of money in the last couple of days for bits and bobs. I do see the value of money and thankfully I am now able to pay for the things I needed to pay for.

I don't value money at all when gambling. Its just pieces of paper with pictures of the queen. These pieces of paper allow me to stay in the action, that is until they are all gone.

Whilst I have no urge to play machines as I clearly see the foolishness of doing so I do have thoughts of playing the lottery once more. These thoughts come and go. At the moment everytime i seem to log on to my computer or check my emails there always seems to be a story of somebody winning a million or many millions. Sometimes this grates on me and I think.. "why can't I buy a ticket every now and again."... it could be me!

However I guess its like the first sip to an alcoholic, just don't do it. Don't feed the gambling monster within, even if it is just scraps and morsels and t*t bits. Don't wake the monster from its slumbers. Don't feed the fire for the fire will grow. This is what i tell myself, its just that some days are harder than others.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Well another day and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Am feeling stronger in recovery today, so thats good. Every day is different.

I just been sorting out the rubbish and recycling for the bin men. All that sort of stuff goes to s**t when am gambling and hating myself. Not today though, not today.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Morning friend,

Yes I feel better this morning thanks, ( a few voddies last night and being asleep by 9 helped lol).

No I can't make the choices for my sons and I can't change what is not mine to change, but as a Mum it does not stop me worrying lol.

Pleased that you are feeling so much stronger at this time, and yes every day is different, my poor OH does not know what to expect from me every day when he gets home from Ohh HDs indeed.

One positive thing came out of feeling low yesterday, I had no urge or desire to gamble, progress definitely. Lol.

And for today you are not gambling that's very positive.

Enjoy your day (even if you are dealing with rubbish lol)

Suzanne xxx

https://youtu.be/AO073fekFfA

Loving it. Run on by. xxx

Thanks folks... and no gambling since my last post.

Am feeling all wound up. Just had a letter through the post. I have been offered an appointment as a temporary teaching assistant for the summer term rather than as a learning support worker which is the job ive been doing since last september. The teaching assistant job is 6k less than the learning support worker. Are they having a laugh?? It feels like they are taking the P**s. Admittedly it might just be an administrative error, cos last year I did apply for teaching assistant so the admin worker might just have got it wrong. But I won't be able to find out untill Tuesday at the earliest.... and thats really frustrating.

Anyway time to go for a run i guess.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

You deserve to be wound up, I hope your run calms you down and clears your head, as you say it is probably a typing error.

We have stuff nearly every day that winds us up, rise above it my friend, you are worth so much more and enjoy the rest of your days off.

Take care and be calm.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne... and yes ive been running yesterday and this morning. Total mileage... 15... it feels good.

Ive lost some fitness recently due to the fact that I can't run in the week because am knackered from the cycling to and from work and one long run on the weekend is good but not good for improving my times. Its all realtive of course. I have this thing in my head about reaching my potential before old age catches up with me. Work gets in the way! lol

Am not stressing about work today, there is nothing I can do till Tuesday. What will be is what will be. Am playing hard ball I deserve better than being offered a temp teaching assistant at 11,484 pro-rata. What a joke.

As for gambling... am just pleased that my self-exclusions are in place. Addiction feels closer than it should be and if I wasn't excluded I may well have wandered up the hill or taken a trip into the city to gamble. But i am excluded from all the places i need to be excluded from. Being a creature of habit its made it harder for me to gamble. Of course if I really wanted to gamble i still would but I am stronger than my addiction today, so thats good.

Thansk for listening... S.A

Hi
S.A

Have you tried the 12 step program offered by GA. Here is a program designed to re-boot both your relationship with yourself & life in general. It will lead you through how to face your fears, angers & resentments, to manage your unreasonable expectations of yourself & others. You do not have to be or become religious for it to work. It is there on offer to everyone for free. It is very hard work but one thing is for sure. It will work if you work it.

Too right SA, can't even remember last Easter, no memories of it all, (how sad is that)

Great inspiring words, you are stronger than your addiction today, so that's very good, because you will be even stronger tomorrow.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks all... I use to be a regular attender at GA... day@atime I have most of the booklets. Working the steps would do me good.

I mean running fitness NT. When your running 5 days a week or more... you become much fitter. Cycling is not the same, it uses slightly different muscle groups and although your keeping aerobically healthy its not the same as intense running day in day out. In my mind anyway.

I got seriously bored yesterday and then discovered Netflix.. so much better than normal telly. Watched the Shawshank redemption and then Supersize me... then the day was gone.

Am waiting for my replacement washing machine to arrive. The poor sods have to carry it down 10 steps to the main front door and then up 26 steps to my flat. They ain't gonna like it. Washing machines... heavy things.

Am stressing about whats gonna happen tomorrow with work. Will they offer me the contract I want OR will i stay on the agency OR will it be the end for me at this school?? In truth, I don't want to stay at this place long term, its too far away and its too stressy but i would like to see it through till the end of the summer term, especially now that the weather is starting to warm.

As for gambling, thoughts lurk but Netflix stopped me acting on any devilish thoughts... that and my self-exclusions of course.

Thanks for listening... S.A

I know it's easier said than done but try not to stress too much about tomorrow, as you said it may well be a typing error.

Hope your washing machine arrives in one piece lol, all those stairs, and enjoy your day off be it watching Netflix or something else to distract you.

Suzanne xxx

No gambling since my last post.

Yesterday was a good day. The lovely weather helped.

The washing machine duly arrived Suzanne. Two big strong blokes carried it up the stairs like it was a box of matches lol... and then I unpackaged it and plumbed it in no problem. Its not as noisy as the old one and does a good wash including a special Eco wash. God I sound like a house husband, getting all excited about inaminate white objects!... After a day of watching my clothes spinning around (much less expensive than watching spinning reels!) I had a good run in the evening.

Today I feel like s**t. Tired and anxious and struggling to pick up the phone and find out where I stand work wise, hence me being here typing instead. Am just feeling a bit unemployed and worthless. Take away work and whats left... not alot. I can appeciate my mate who's done not alot for the past 13 years, its no wonder he's gone back to gambling. he has all day everyday to think about not indulging in his addiction, that must be so hard.

Anyway so thats me, thanks for listening... S.A

P.s Just phoned the school, it was a mistake, am being offered a temporary learning support worker role.. which is what I wanted. Why I had to get myself all stress before i phoned them up god only knows. Now i can just get stressed about doing the job!

NO GAMBLING... its a complete waste of time!!!