Hope

Fantastic news 🙂 I was holding my breath for you!

I can appreciate the beauty of a new washing machine...Still hunting for one that unloads itself but the smell of a houseful of freshly laundered clothes is hard to beat!

Well done & keep winning - ODAAT

Yes great news SA was thinking of you, and house husband ummm, lol, nothing wrong with that, great news that the washing machine stayed in one piece too lol.

And as you say NO GAMBLING, it's a complete waste of time.

Onwards and upwards

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Glad to hear you enjoyed watching the drum of washing machine spinning...you're right! So much more fun than bloody evil slots!!
Great news on the job front. It still amazes me how our minds works sometimes and paints black pictures on the situations. Something what is work in progress i suppose.

Anyway, just came by to wish ya a good day "house husband" 😉

Stay safe - keep winning!

Sandra x

thanks all... and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post. I feel pretty strong in terms of not gambling. It really would be a very very self-destructive thing for me to do, especially now, having not earnt any money for the last two weeks. As it stands my money situation is ok. The bank balance goes down slowly when living normally. It plummets suddenly when gambling.... and never again do I want to go through the utter panic that follows a gambling binge, my gambling binges.

Work wise things are still very much up in the air. Not sure where i stand now having just got an email from the agency confirming work in the school up until half term. I await the postman to see my letter of confirmation of contract with the school. In truth am not now worried about having work after easter (its just a question of who's employing me)... its more a question of holding myself together mentally, physically and psychologically. I was quite depressed and anxious yesterday just thinking about it.

The bigger picture is that I continue "not to be good to myself" by continuing to do this type of work. My addiction rubs its hands with glee, knowing that it can sit and wait for me to have a mini-melt down before trying again to drag me back to the machines. As I sit and type I say f**k off to gambling but who knows where my head will be in a few weeks. Ive done this sort of work for so long now that it feels scary to try and do anything else. As many of us say... if nothing changes nothing changes... my depressive state continues.

Anyway, the sun shines, thanks for listening... S.A

Hi SA,

Ohh man, just a little more kindness towards yourself alongside those rays of sun 😉
Really good to see you keeping on top of things and truly wish your work situ to get in place so you can get your peace of mind back. Had issues re work myself and sort of was hanging in the air...but after the honest chat, i feel I'm back in business now 😉

There is always sun after the storm, keep fighting dear soldier and keep on keeping on

Be proud!

Sandra x

Thanks Sandra,

Am trying to be kind to myself but actually I feel scared about the future and alone, even though my mate has been over this afternoon, company and all that.

Am on the cusp of another 3 month spell gambling free to add to all my other 3 month plus spells but it doesn't feel like anything significant anymore. I haven't emptied my bank account into a machine for 90 days... whoopy me.

Sorry for this woe is me s**t... but its just the way am rolling at the moment. Its just the way it is. Its just the way i am.

On a positive am trying to eat a bit more healthy. A carrot a day helps you work rest and play.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 90

Feeling unwell in the head department.

No gambling... S.A

Hi
S.A

Im going to state the obvious! Change what you dont like about your life. Take steps to improve your outlook for your future. The fear of living in the unhappiness you feel today forever will lead you eventually back into the comfort of addiction. Hope & an alternative to the way we view our present & future are the only things that set us free. Its not easy, running back to a spinning reel is. Start today do something that scares you

yup.. you make sense and am all to well aware of what you say.

Ive had a run and cheered up a bit.

I am stronger than i think.

Well done to me for my gambling free time.

Thanks for listening.. S.A

Second that well done you on 90 days WOW, great going I know it's hard work for you, and it proves you ARE stronger than you think my friend.

Be very proud SA even with your ups and downs HD, you are doing it, and I am proud to be always walking Along side with you,you have helped me more than you know. Whether we are over happy or over depressed or whatever that bloody addiction is waiting, wonder if we become zombiefied will the thoughts disappear lol, don't think so.

Always listening and reading.

Suzanne xxx

Well ive decided to return to this my original diary. The original and the best I have you know 😉

It portrays the last 7 years of my life as a compulsive gambler, with all my ups and downs. For anyone who has a spare few weeks to read it, it portrays my cycle of problem gambling in all its glory. Plenty of gambling free spells and positivity but also some very sad and gut wrenching posts where I have wanted my life to end. I have always bounced back but one thing is for sure; my gambling addiction has had a profound effect on me as a person and how my life has taken shape.

I have gambled since my last post in this diary and ive had a month where I have been to hell and back, but thankfully it feels as if the worse is now over and I am currently 17 days clean together with an armoury of blocks in place to give me the time and space to get on with my recovery. My aim remains the same, no gambling, one day at a time.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Second that, It shows 7 years of your hard work in recovery,

Suzanne xxx

Knock knock 🙂

Good to come round to familiar place..glad you're sticking with good bad and the ugly of this diary...too right, it's yours and it's alive!

Hope you're feeling better with each passing day and wish you lovely weekend you can enjoy to the full!

Keep up good work..and yep - keep on running 😉

Sandra x

Thanks recovery friends and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry. Am not sure what to write so I will just write and see where it goes.

Am working conscientiously and edging ever closer to the next pay day. Most of it will go on rent and bills. I like to get myself ahead and only then can I settle myself properly and start living recovery once more. Am lucky in a way that am able to work my way out of the hole ive dug for myself. Working however stressful it maybe is a salvation of sorts.

I was watching this documentary on how the food industry has made many people fat through developing highly addictive foods and then marketing them cleverly and then throwing a few quid at healthy eating campaigns and telling us all to do more exercise. When in reality its the "food" that makes people fat. Up to 80% of the food we buy in the average supermarket has added sugar, including pre-packaged salad. Its not good is it.

It gets me thinking about how gambling companies behave in a very similar way. Throw a few quid at organisations like gamcare, so that they can have the gamcare logo somewhere on there site and in doing so playing the "social responsibility" card, whilst at the same time developing ever more addictive games for people to gambling on.

Don't get me wrong am not especially getting angry about this but sometimes its good to think things through and open ones eyes to how the world in which we live operates. Food manufacturers and gambling operators are, when all is said and done "for profit" companies... the soul purpose of which is to entice us to part with our money and spend ever more of are hard earn't money on there products.... and lets face facts... they are very good at it! They have been very good at lighting up the reward pathways in my brain and the brains of many others.

I have spent years chastising myself "to the extreme" everytime I have fallen and gambled again but today in a moment of clarity I realise that when in the act of gambling my brain is hijacked by the chemical cocktails in my brain, which makes it very hard to simply stop in my tracks. The responsibility I have to myself today and going forward is to avoid that "first bet" and to avoid the emotional hijacking of my brain.

Thanks for listening.... S.A

Hi S.A

Very insightful post and absolutley spot on. The dramatic increase in the availability of gambling sites and shops and extended licensing creates a seductive culture of 'this is normal' and that if you or I have a problem then it is us who are 'not normal'. In other words, it is our problem and why spoil the fun of others. As ever, someone somewhere is getting rich on the pain of others. Not good. As for associating themselves with a good cause to mitigate their negative impact, I agree. Remember the Olympics were sponsored mostly by fast food companies. You couldn't make it up!

Anyway, the point about chemicals in the key. Our brains are little chemical soups and if you add certain ingredients ... pow! For whatever reason (could be genetic predisposition or childhood trauma) we are sensitive to dopamine triggers given off by things like gambling, alcohol, food or whatever. Does awareness of this help or help with abstinance? I don't know. I just know that the things that make me have drive in one area of my life can also have the opposite effect in others and that I have to be careful. I might knock the gambling thing on the head - but something else might rise up in its place. Vigilance I suppose.

I think writing this helps and certainly avoiding being 'hijacked' is the priority.

Onwards 🙂