Hope

Think the mild winter has allowed the bugs to have a field day as the nastiest cold and cough ever this week. The ducks and wild life making it known all around that it is spring and sometimes the odds very uneven (why do I resort to gambling jargon even now) as five drakes chase one poor duck round my boat at 5.00am this morning.

Have to smile every time I feed them out of my window as I remember your thread name, a good start to an often difficult day.

Determined to get fitter this year and not up to cycling yet with my bioic knee but started to use the rowing machine again, quite bizarre rowing away on my boat as 'real' rowers race past in their canoes.

Hope you are fighting fit in all dimensions this weekend and know we are all here still listening.

The sun did come up today but was put to shade by the mightier moon for a time.

xxx

Ah thanks folks... pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.... which is good... but inside i feel quite miserable and stressed out and It really ain't like me to be unwell but ive gone straight from the sickness bug to a cold. My running has completely died a death for the first time in years. Hopefully tommorrow I will get out for a little trot around the block.

Work has offerred me a short term contract, which ive said yes ok...even though I have my reservations. It is of course cheaper for them to employ me through themselves than through an agency. I will go with the flow. I think financially it will work out better, probably, hopefully... but whether I can continue to cope with the work is another matter.

and so live continues and time continues to pass.

Thanks for listening... S.A

P.s After a little reading and posting am feeling a little more cheerful.

Thanks NT.

Am stressed but thankfully no gambling.

Stressing about the whole idea of being full time staff at the place where i work. Everything changes when ya become full time... and its more responsibility... and I don't really want it if truth be known.. and there moving me to a new home just as the one ive been working in has settled down. Am already getting burnt out and I haven't even started yet, if ya see what i mean... and am just tired of being tired all the time. Its all doing my head in.

Maybe I just think too much. Maybe it will all be fine. Maybe its just change. Maybe its just my autism.... if indeed i am a bit autistic. Maybe its just anxiety and it will pass.

Maybe i should go gambling today and it will all just go away. Maybe if I win the lottery I can give it all the two fingered salute and be able to sleep at night. Maybe I should just stop saying stupid things and just knuckle down, finish filling out these forms and just get on with it. Maybe I should just stop tying myself up in knots.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Thanks NT... I won't gamble.

To be honest I was just being facetious. As the dictionary definition says "treating serious issues with deliberately inappropriate humour; flippant."

Am just back from a 10 mile run. Hard going after illness. But done it nonetheless.

I guess i will figure things out

Thanks again.. S.A

Pleased to read you are staying strong even with stress from work at your door SA,

Keep going and keep safe

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Sa

Fella I get your line of thinking, I believe that it stems from you believing that you don't deserve 'good' things to happen to you, well fella time to start believing because it is happening.

You can't run 10 miles without doing the necessary preparation, you did that, you are stronger than you believe. You don't get offered a contract if you are not good enough, no doubt that the agency will be paid a 'finders' fee, so they want you for the job, be proud of that.

Yes you can always find the negative reasons in your mind for lots of things, as addicts we are ever growing pessimistic folk, addiction feeds any act into negative thoughts, then sucks up the life from within.

I have worn those shoes out treading that road.

Fella time to top your glass up to half full.

You don't want to stick two fingers up to the world, you like me want to stick two fingers up to addiction.

My friend you are! !! Enjoy it.

There is nothing wrong with failing at something, it's the not trying that would be.

Be inspired my friend, f**k I feel like running! !!

But not the wrong way anymore.

For it I salute you.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi SA,

Is the school that you're going to be paying you a little more? It might be worth trying a little negotiation, as I know when I was temping about ten years ago, for the 8.50 per hour I was getting, the company was paying the agency around 25.00 an hour. I'm inclined to agree with Duncan too, its easy not to do things because you're worried about how you'll adapt, think you'll struggle or that you don't want the responsibility. You'll be amazed at how quickly you learn to swim and it all just becomes a part of your usual routine.

Thanks for your post on my diary, it set me thinking about all the years I spent doing the same job not looking for any other opportunities. I never really thought that had something to do with my gambling, but in retrospect I think you might be right. With the turmoil from the occasional win and the big losses, I would always have been more focused on the things going on outside work. Scrapping for the pennies, picking up all of the overtime I could get my hands on, but never really being settled enough to look for anything else.

You are right that there are plenty of benefits from recovery, and I'd never even thought of that one before.

Ryan

Thanks all... and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post.

Just to pick up on what you have all said... my self-esteem, my sense of identity, my confidence, particualrly social confidence has always been pretty fragile and whilst some compulsive gamblers may have an over-inflated sense of their own self-importance (and belief me ive met a few) for me ive had the oppossite problem... an ego the size of a rabbit dropping lol

But I do deserve better. I don't deserve to live on the emotional/psychological and financial edge until I die. I owe it to myself to find a better way of living and being...so today I put the forms in to become temporary permanent staff because thats in my best interests. A positive decision. So lets see what happens next.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Good move SA, You are changing your life for the better, and that can only be positive. You do deserve this change.

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA

Good for you mate, well done in having the balls to follow it through and seek a better future for yourself...I wish you well and hope you get some good news on the job front.

Emotional, psychological, financial hellhole sounds about right to me..My confidence and self esteem are pretty much shot to hell as well....

Rabbit dropping ego made me laugh ( laughter, here is a very rare thing nowdays)...I've known a good few gamblers over the years that were so far up there own arses it was unreal ...I probably hate them as well because they were always the ones waiting/watching the machines that i was playing..Then they would jump on them as soon as i was out of money....Barstewards....(saying that though i've done it myself , losing hundreds on a machine and seen someone chucking it in to another and then they leave i've jumped on it many times)...Its a selfish, dog eat dog world thats for sure..

Thanks for your message on my diary and well done for staying clean..

Al the best

Thanks both 🙂 and pleased to report that no gambling since my last entry.

Another term at the rediential school survived. I have acheived and earn't my crust. Waiting to hear about my temporary contract for next term. I guess that will happen sometime over easter. Am not going to worry about it... am just looking forward to a well earned rest.

My sleeping patterns are getting a bit silly. I pretty much go to bed when the sun sets and get up before the sun gets up. Ive started switching my phone off in the eve cos chances are I am half-asleep when people tend to phone around 8 P.m. Phoning at 4.30 a.m would be much more convivial 😉

As far as gambling goes i'd be lying if I said i hadn't had any thoughts, cos I have, but i haven't acted upon them and the self-exclusions continue to do their job.

Anyway, thats me and thanks for listening... S.A

Sa

Fella enjoy your well earned rest my friend.

Self exclusion, I love those two words, they gift our rational thinking corner such a huge victory.

It offers a solution, another brick laid between us and that destructive next punt.

Keep making the right choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Very well done on staying gamble free SA,

Enjoy your hard earne rest from work, and just want to say my sleep patterns are similar, dropping off to sleep early and waking up early, the clocks go forward tonight lol, so we should get an extra hour at night lol.

Suzanne xxx

Hi SA,

Great to see you marching on and fighting the good fight! A well deserved break is truly earned my friend so look after no 1 in that time and get your energy back in buckets.

I am a little jealous of your sleep pattern lol..you sleep at night and that can only be a good thing! I am still struggling with sleep and this hour forward us not gonna be huge help i suppose lol..but hey, few hrs sleep is better than no sleep after the gambling episode which wrecks our lives. So am not moaning here 🙂

Take are and keep up the good work

Sandra x

Thanks folks and pleased to report that no gambling since my last post. I managed to resist quite a strong urge to gamble when coming back from a family visit. There was time to kill when the coach stopped for the drivers lunch break. This scenario has been my downfall so many times before, but not this time. I walked on passed and went to an M & S food hall instead and bought some juicy apples. In all honesty I felt a bit depressed and moody when the coach got going again.... the gambling monster within me had not got its way... not this time. It was a good couple of hours before my recovery head properly kicked back in and I started to remember the reasons why I can't gamble anymore.

I can't gamble anymore because i don't have any self-control when i gamble. I am not able to place any boundaries around how much money I put into the machines and so the only solution is not to gamble at all.

With the benefit of hindsight it was nice being able to walk back to the coach without feeling stressed. I wasn't feeling stressed because I hadn't just put all my available funds into the slot machines.

It doesn't mean to say that am not a gambling J****E anymore because I very much am. Its just that this time I won... I won because i didn't play. The only win is not to play.

Thanks for listening... S.A