Hope

Day 146

Another tough January working day, partly of my own making. My long run on Sunday meant that I was real tired Monday morning and the cycle was a struggle. Its also mild again and I was sweating like a pig. I am in with the challenging kids once again and it was ok but also hard... the underlying tension of something serious can happen at any time is always present... and then the agency was plaguing me for a timesheet which i'd already sent them, but they'd given me the wrong email address bla bla. Small irritations like that, when under pressure at work, really get to me.

Anyway am home now and processing the day. Am glad that i haven't got gambling problems on top of everything else.

Onwards...

thanks for listening... S.A

Onwards and upwards SA, well done on a tough day,

Suzanne xxx

Day 150 gamble free.

Every day is a struggle at the moment. I am tired so very tired. I switch my phone off most of the time, cos I can't cope with agencies calling me. I cycled to work in a full blown storm the other day. It nearly blumin killed me.

I take some comfort from the fact that if I was gambling i'd be in a trully desparate state. As it is am just physically and mentally tired and a bit f*****g depressed.

Am trying to find the courage to email the head of school to say that i don't want my temp contract extended once again. I really can't cope with challenging needs and cycling a 16 mile round trip. But then ive been saying that for nearly 2 years now

Its blowing a gale again. I just taken the bins out. I thought they were going to sail off into the sunrise

Thinking about it, am real pleased that ive stayed strong this time. It would be so easy to skulk off and gamble my money, but i haven't and I won't.

Thanks for listening... S.A 🙂

Hi SA

You are really coping very well with difficult days. Remember what you said a few days ago: "Am glad that i haven't got gambling problems on top of everything else."

You can do this!

Take care

Forum Admin

Yea SA 150 days, very well done my friend,

Suzanne xxx

Great work on 150 days! Stay strong and try and enjoy the weekend.

Day 156 gamble free.

Just checking in, its been a few days. No gambling.

Feeling very tired am on a bit of a work binge at the moment... and with all the cycling I am my usual knackered self.

I managed to pluck up the courage to tell the school that i didn't want to extend my temp contract and as it stands they haven't tried to pursuade me otherwise. Ive put out the feelers for new work through the teaching agency at somewhere closer to where I live. Am also picking up care shifts. Things will work out as long as I don't f**k up with gambling. I have no intention of f*****g up with gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Always listening SA.

Keep cycling through any gambling thoughts. Your getting there my friend...And follow the thoughts where No, seems the best answer as with your work..

Proud of you SA, 156 days of hard work, keep going, but don't forget to look after you:))

Suzanne xxx

Thank you online recovery buddies!

Day 159 with not a penny gambled on any form of gambling. Am still finding it motivational to count days and to acheive more gamble free time. Managing my stress and anxiety still a big issue.

For example on Thursday I picked up a shift at a home that ive worked in only 4 or 5 times, only to discover that I was shift leading with another member of staff whom had never worked at the place! That was hard, like the blind leading the blind. I coped I was resilient.

On Friday I picked up a shift working in an a school for kids who have been excluded from mainstream. I arrived and immediately got frowned upon for wearing a running top with some writing on. Must admit I didn't realise how proper this place was going to be. Everybody was a "Sir" or a "Miss" or a "Mr Jones" or a "Miss Smith". It was like a mainstream school to me. It was daunting. The kids were actually quite bright compared to the disabled kids I normally work with and the teachers had the most highly developed verbal and motivational skills you could imagine. I was knowingly incompetent and the kids new it. I felt my self-confidence and self-worth just melt away. BUT I went I stayed I survived. I was resilient. I had some urges to gamble on the way home, but i saw them for what they were... just a reaction to a difficult day. The feelings would pass and they have. I have returned to a normal way of thinking and being.

Am back in touch with my friend from gambling rehab. Its the same old same old with him. he's found his final pension and he's cashing it in. he will gamble it away, its just a question of time. My other gambling friend is spending money he doesn't have on his nice car and consequently has defaulted on his pay day loans.

As for me, well ive brought my credit card right down to managable levels and got my rent well ahead. Another small acheivement of not having gambled for a while. Work will be sporadic for a while, just picking up shifts whilst I look for something new. I am and will be careful with money.

Believe it or not I am sensible with money when am not gambling. But when i gamble it all goes out the window. I fritter away all available money very quickly. I am strange. I am both mature and sensible and yet i can be completely reckless and self-destructive. Chalk and cheese. The devil and ther deep bluse see. Jeckyl and Hyde.

No gambling.

Thanks for listening... S.A

Day 160 gamble free.

Am feeling rubbish about myself today. Its beginning to dawn on me that work is likely to dry up after this week and am doing very little to find new work. My work life follows a familiar pattern. I work fulltime, I get stressed, I go part-time, it doesn't seem to help, i leave with next to nothing to go to, I become idle, money dries up, I panick, I gamble, I doubly panick, I take any job that comes along... and then the cycle begins again.

Change is hard. Doing things differently is hard. I feel like a bit of a f**k up. Not able to manage stress without going into meltdown or making knee j**k decisions.

This is me

Thanks for listening... S.A

Hey piggy lol, change is not that hard, it really isn't, what is hard is the thought of the Unknown, but our lives are changing and revolving every day even when we don't realise or acknowledge it, because life does move on whether we want to sit back or not.

You need to do what you feel comfortable with, and then with that confidence, you will make make the right changes and choices for you, forget about this gambling melochy, you have already been there and read that bad book,

You say changes are hard but to give in to gambling will make your life a 100% harder,

Keep strong, keep sane, and slowly but surely you feel strong enough to make those changes for you.

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xxx

Warm regards back dear SA xxxx

Change may be hard. Doing things differently may be hard (It might be scary and anxiety provoking as well). But where you are now is hard too and you've been doing/are doing lots of really hard things on a daily basis. The really challenging young man with autism that you wrote about recently, the miles of cycling to work, 160 days without the gambling crutch, the challenges of going to jobs where you dont know the people, being put in charge at a place you've barely worked at before, the excluded kids at the school...these are all examples from just the last few weeks. It's important to acknowledge that you are capable of dealing with hard things. You are resillient. Your diary is full of examples to me of someone who works hard and does hard and difficult things. You are capable of so much...I'm just not sure you fully realise it.

You've said you have a tendency to make knee j**k reactions. It's good that you realise that. Why not make this the time when you change that? Take things slowly, don't do anything rash...maybe try some different ways to tackle your stress? You can see the cycle you've been in before. Recognising it is important. Maybe this time you can break that cycle?

Wishing you well.

LB x

Day 165 with not a penny gambled on any form of gambling.

Thank you LB & Suzanne. Change is hard thats for sure and yes I do hard things on a daily basis.

I came to the conclusion that keeping regular hours at a work place I know is better than simply picking up shifts whilst looking for something new. I worked at a new place the other day which was very stressful. So anyway am staying at the school but I suppose the change part is that I have a colleague who lives on my estate and has said he will give me a lift in when I want/need one. So hopefully when the weather is rubbish I will be able to accept his offer and not go cycling in storms or snow drifts (if we get some!).

The above scenario is better for my addiction. Better to be working and tired than to have too much time on my hands to get bored and restless and feel the financial strain.

I am working at recovery but I am not recovered.

Betfilter continues to do its job.

Thanks for listening... S.A