My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
Gambling was a way I use to escape life and situations where I could not cope emotionally with how I felt with in myself.
In those obsessive days of Gambling was a form of self abuse.
I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.
The recovery program was very much a slow pace baby steps about Just for today I wil not do some thing which is unhealthy to me or other people.
Then once you ***** and fully the serenity prayer the word courage has more meaning to me.
Courage to change the things I can, courage to face my emotional triggers, courage to change from myunhealthy journey to self destruction.
Shirley and I are being very productive in getting our wants and needs fulfilled in recent days.
Before recovery I use to react in anger and rage to every thing and every one.
Mums home is mostly cleared of her antique furniture.
As I saw all the possesions going out the door I felt no sadness no loss.
I was told a very long time ago that money and material things are only lent to us.
What is important today is having healthy realtionships.
In the past I have been an expresssive agressive and also a supressive agressive playing either role was not healthy for my well being.
I use to be a different person at work I use to be a different person with freinds I use to be a different person I use to be a different person in GA who was the real Dave.
I understand today that control issues are fear based, I understand today that money today is not a control issue for me.
We had plans yesterday to get some thngs done, yet once I saw rain was on its way our plans changed completely and saved us lots of inconvenience and problems.
It is important to have plans B when things do not go our way.
Shirley and I giving up unhealthy habits was a boundary that we both did because we value our self today.
Am I in any way person pleasing in any way today, am I in any way holding back from expressing myself to other people today.
I asked a freind for a loan once, he declined to give me a loan yet he told me he was willing to give me money.
That very much confused me, he told me that our relationship was more important than money, today I now understand.
It took me over twenty years to understand step one, life being unmanagable was about my emotional triggers.
My physical health and spirtual health and well being today is more important than money today.
There are some coins that were my step fathers collection I think I will save those for later on.
Am I at peace with my past today, is that hurt little cild in me at peace with imself today.
The opportunity to gets thing done in my life and to be very productive is important to me today.
It is important to get things done but to also enjoy doing them.
If I do things out of anger and resentment I am cheating myself, If I do things conditionally or have expectations I am cheating myself.
How long in my recovery before I did things for myself.
I am a very selfish person today, my recovery comes frist, me becoming a more sirtual person comes first.
There was a time when I focused on the text or spelling before I understood that the message of healing and recovering was the important thing for me.
Now that my mothers possesions are gone from her home Shirley and I have felt mums home is no longer the same.
In some ways mothers home feels more like our home today.
I was with my mother before and during her death.
I was very confident that in order for both my mother and I were to have peace over her death that I would need to face my fears and do and ay things that were essential for us to both have closure on her death.
There fore I was more honest and exposed myself to her and told her my feelings, expressed my gratitude towards every during our life we did and said some very unhealthy things and that the past was so longer important to our realtionship today.
That the most important things for us were that minute in knowing no matter what happened in our past that our relationship and our love for each other was what ciunted that day.
My step fathers stamp collection is missing or has been stolen.
I have ACCEPTED certain things and know that worrying about it will not change its dissapearence so in accepting sernity prayer I have let go of its loss.
Money and material things are only lent to us, money and material things were only temary things in ou rlife.
Money on it own gives us more choices, oney never resolved any emotional issues.
Getting organized and dispensing with most of my families antiques gives me closure in my life.
There were things that were well over 60 years of age taken from my mothers home.
Some of the items were over 100 years old and the thing that made it easier was the fact I understand that I can be a hoarder.
By letting tham leaving my home was also a rust issue that no matter how much money they fetch I trust the comaony to be fair and honest with us.
Letting go of the past was a slow learning curve.
Last year before my mother died I asked myself, have I said every thing I need to say to have closure with my mother.
What is important to my life today, the most important thing is having healthy realtionships with peiple that love me.
Secondly I will not allow money issues to adversely affect my healthy realtions.
I use to be a jackal and hyde personailtiy, hot and cold laugh one minute anger the next.
The rage and anger that use to rush out at times was that immature angry hurt child that never healed from his past.
I have time scales and spread sheets that clearly lay out my needs my wants and my goals.
Do I do the very best I can do each day, is my time full ad productive.
My sleep is very unsettled at this time, lots on my mind and no enough time to get every thing done.
I will be attending Exter GA meetings for just two more weeks.
Then I move on to London and surrey and then attend 50th Birthday of GA in the UK from 5th to 7th September 2014.
It took me along time to identify that I was a very unhealthy person.
I use to be so over sentive getting angry and upset at every one and every thing.
Sadly I had got in to teh unhealthy habits of burying and suporessing pains of my life.
The recovery program is a low healing process.
You are not able to heal your pains if you are not willing to admit to your self you are in pain.
Every fear I had as an adult as due to unresolved pains of my past.
During my gambling days the only time I felt sucessful was when I got easy money.
Every time I take the easy option of avoiding doing things or facing people I am cheating myself.
There are just not enough hours in the day for me.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fear I was no willing or able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my loneliness due to my fear of emotional intimacy with other people, and my feelings of boredom.
I am stimulated by doing new things today, that hurt inner child wants to do and touch every thing.
Am I a talker or a walker today.
Do I give myself appproval for doing a good job today, recovery is about progress not perfection.
In all seriousness would I be attending meetings after over 44 years if recovery program did not work for me.
I use to spend so much time worrying about things that I stunted from growth and getting things done.
Am I ignorant about certain things today, yes for sure yet that does not make me stupid.
Is there much more I can do with my life today, yes for sure yet I am still learning by slo steady baby steps.
On arriving in the spirtual recovery program money and gambling were my main focus.
If you asked me what was it that important that I lost on my last bet I would have told you a certain amount of money lost.
Today I understand that each time I gambled I put the love of my family at rsik.
The most costly bet would have been losing the love of my family.
Did I think that the spirtual recovery program was all about religion, yes for sure, did I think that the spirtual recovery program was going to control me, yes for sure
Today for me I understand that the spirtual recovery program was going to help me take control of my life, the spirtual recovery program was going to help me help myself become a healthier person.
The spirtual recovery program was going to help me understand that being honest is not painful, that becoming mature benefits every one including myself.
I will be attending the UK 50th GA birthday on 5th Sept 2014 in Basildon Essex.
I am looking forward to it and understanding that very few people I knew back in 1969 will be as dediciated to the sirtual recovery program as I have hav been over 44 years.
Sadly because I have been going so long does not make me an expert in any sense of the word.
I want to see more people in the spirtual recovery program, if they have no maney that is not important, them being there is far more importnt thhan their money.
People do to have to give therapy unless they want to.
The spirtual recovery program should change with its peoole, the wording should be updated, pride never hindered my recovery, fear did inhibted me.
I am able to travel now and do not take my worst enemy with me, myself.
I was often given good advice yet did not understand it, engage brain opening my mouth, the consequences of things I use to say.
Every action has consequences, healthy actions and healthy words have healthy consequences, unhealthy actions and unhealthy words have unhealthy consequences.
One thing I know for sure living in the pains of my past is not healthy, living in the pains of my past is detrimental to my spirtual growth.
I am in no way special or unique on my own, my healthy spirtual interaction and spirtual growth has enabled me to live a life I only dreamed of.
The dream world being consumed by my addictions and obsessions was a very self destruction path.
As each person in a recovery room gets healthier the room itself gets much healthier.
The spirtual recovery program has enabled me to embrace it as my second family, the spirtual recovery program has empowered me in so many ways.
People will give therapy when they are ready for it.
The last few days have been very productive.
My body is certainly complaining about me doing so much garden wrk.
It took me over 23 years to learn an understand step one.
Step one is simple broken in to 3 parts, Surrender acceptance and understanding my emotional triggers.
I was like a rat in the wheel going faster and faster getting no where fast.
I coulld not or would not acknowledge that each time I gambled I was in self destruction mode.
No matter when my last bet was all the time I am in my recovery I was an equal to all people.
In the rooms of recovery I would understand and start to heal my pains and heal from my past.
Recovery is all about healing maturing in an emotional way.
In my life time I have suffered physical abuse, I have suffered emotonal abuse, and I have suffered sexual abuse.
I have felt for some considerable time a victim, in being in my recovery I have been the perpetrator, and at one time I thought I could rescue people.
I learned that no matter when my last bet being in my recovery was my only hope of becoming healthy once more.
I learned to listen and also learned to understand that every one has their own beleifs and that while in recovery we learn to get along with all people.
Being in the sirtual recovery program unselttles peoples that knew me.
Life being unmanagable was about my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness and my boredom.
Christmas use to be a big emotional trigger, peoples agression towards me, a big emotional trigger, Saturday mornings were once big emotional triggers.
Do I fear emotional intimacy today, do I fear exposing my feelings towards other people today.
It is strange that more ladies seem to be able to relate to me than most men, it is strange that ladies seem to want me to sponsor tham, yet most do not understand that asking for sponsor is very important to them.
Ladies often find it difficult to ask for help, sponsorship is a two way street.
I did not have a choice before entering the spirtual recovery program.
I was unhealthy and did not know it.
Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that says I value myself today.
Then just for today became I will now become more healthy and more productive in many healthy ways.
As I got more healthy my time is more productive.
My unhealthy reaction is anger was an indicator that I had not healed from the pains of my past, in time I would understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains and an unhealthy reaction to my fears, and an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
In time I was going to appreciate the serenity prayer even though I am not a religious person.
I am not able to change another person the only person I can change is myself.
People including myself use to blame other people for how they felt, today if people are angry do I automatically think their anger is my responsibility.
At what time in my life did I start to bury and suppress my pains, at what time in my life did I start to live in fear and not be able to speak out for myself.
Can I say in any way I am healthy today.
Do I try to justify my actions today.
Do I think it is important to prove I am right in any way.
Is being right more important than my relationships with other people.
Do I take it personally if other people beliefs do not agree with mine.
People pushing their beliefs on to other people is an indicator of how insecure they are with in them self.
Do I need to prove a point to any one today.
In understanding spiritual values do I practice those values in my life today.
I use to feel that my feelings were controlled by other peole and life.
Today I am not willing to let fear inhibit me from getting the very best from life.
My addictions a d obsessions were just a very celar indicator that I could not cope with life and people.
My purpose today is t be very selfish and for me to become the healthiest I can be.
There is nothing I can do or say to change my past.
Pain I did to myself and others is done now let me get on with my life.
I am very selfish in my recovery, my recovery is the most important thing in my life today.
Taking the easy escape option is not my way today.
I wished far to much of my time away before recovery.
I am able to listen and learn today, I am able to ask for help today, I am able to admit my ignorance today.
My resentments were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My vengeful thoughts were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My hatred was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My feeling the victim was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My not feeling loved was an indicator that I was filled with fears.
How much do I value myself today.
I am still eager to get things done yet the rain still delays me getting things done.
Accepting the serenity prayer helps me in so many ways.
In being in the spirtual recovery program I am able to understand other people being unhealthy because I see myself as I was in the past.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to trun unhealthy habits.
My unhealthy reaction to life an dpeople started from a very early aage.
I was for sure a victim from a very early age.
Yet over time I became teh perpetrator in so many ways.
Being a vcitim has nothing to do about physical size or s*x.
Being a vcitim was me not being able to speak up for myself.
I am able to be a healthier peerson today because of the things I have learned being in my recovery.
I do not and did have to take up reigion to become healthy.
Yet over time I would grow to learn spirtual values.
In the spirtual recovery program we are all equals.
It is a simple fact that I was very ignorant as to how the spirtual recovery would work for me.
I have invested a great deal of time and energy keeping at my revoverry and in the healing process.
I felt like a victim for so long in my life living in the pains of my past.
Reacting in such unhealty ways, now I am able to interact with people and life a healthy whole some life.
Being so over sensitive and getting angry was an indicator I was aunable to heal my pains.
Shirley & I have been so busy in getting things done in time allowed.
I do not hav a desire to gamble which is strange because I use to feel I had no choice but to gamble before recovery.
Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.
My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.
My fears use to cause me to be angry.
My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.
My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.
Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.
Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.
For me today as I became healthier my values changed.
All the time I was focused on status money and material items.
Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.
Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.
I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.
Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.
One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.
I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.
Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.
Our conscience is very much spiritual based.
When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.
Yesterday we were very productive as a team. I am more useful these days.
There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.
I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.
Today I am stable and realxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.
Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.
When people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.
My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.
Tomorrow we sign the final papers regards my mums passsing on.
It has been a year since her death and yet I now feel more at peace with her than ever before in my life.
There are three records of her father playing vaudeville I want to transfer.
I hope that I am able to do that soon.
What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.
Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failure.
In fact my theory is that every thing in ou rlife is a test of our steel.
How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.
Shirley & I are both working hard to get things done in our time.
Rain stops play of course that is time to relax and enjoy what we have and who we are today.
I am looking forward to being at the 50th Celebration of GA in the UK at Basildon Essex.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.
I am able to be more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
Sadly when I walked in to the recovery program I did not fully appreciate how unhealthy I was.
I even thought that the spirtual recovery program was a short term resolve.
Like many people I thought that once I was able to abstain from my addictive obsessive ways I would be happy and content with in myself.
I even thught that once I paid off money owing I would be happy and content with in myself.
The spirtual recovery program was going to help me be accountable to myself with out giving myself a hard time.
My fear of being accountable was going to reduce over time.
The serenity prayer was going to help me understand that living in the pains of my past due to guilt and shame has no benefit what so ever to myself.
My fear of being honest was going to fade and being honest was going to be an every day thing.
Today I am able to honest with out being cruel, my nature now is more about being more nuturing and encouraging to myself and other people.
Last night I mentioned at a meeting last night about sponsrship and ho wimportant it is for our getting spirtually healthy once more.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I did not have a choice but to escape in many ways.
By keeping going to the spirtual recovery program meetings I am proof that I am a suvivor.
The more self enlightened I am able understand more and ***** what I need to do to become a more calm healthier person.
It took me far to long to learn and understand my emotional triggers, my pains I was unable to heal, my fears I was unable to face, my frsutrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life.
Due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life caused myself a lot of pain.
My loneliness was very much due to abandonment issues from my child bood.
My fears of emotional intimacy caused me to isolate myself from other people at any kind of deep level connections.
My boredom was due to me limiting myself as to how much I could with my life an dmy time.
At one time gambling was every thing to me, today I feel like I am emoitonlly detached from all kinds of gambling and risk taking.
My health and well being today is more important than money today.
Am I at peace with my past today, is that hurt little cild in me at peace with imself today.
The opportunity to gets thing done in my life is important to me today.
It is important to get things done but to also enjoy doing them.
If I do things out of anger and resentment I am cheating myself, If I do things conditionally or have expectations I am cheating myself.
How long in my recovery before I did things for myself.
I am a very selfish person today, my recovery comes frist, me becoming a more sirtual person comes first.
There was a time when I focused on the text or spelling before I understood that the message of healing and recovering was the important thing for me.
Now that my mothers possesions are gone from her home Shirley and I have felt mums home is no longer the same.
In some ways mothers home feels more like our home today.
I was with my mother before and during her death.
I was very confident that in order for both my mother and I were to have peace over her death that I would need to face my fears and do and ay things that were essential for us to both have closure on her death.
There fore I was more honest and exposed myself to her and told her my feelings, expressed my gratitude towards every during our life we did and said some very unhealthy things and that the past was so longer important to our realtionship today.
That the most important things for us were that minute in knowing no matter what happened in our past that our relationship and our love for each other was what ciunted that day.
My step fathers stamp collection is missing or has been stolen.
I have ACCEPTED certain things and know that worrying about it will not change its dissapearence so in accepting sernity prayer I have let go of its loss.
Money and material things are only lent to us, money and material things were only temary things in ou rlife.
Money on it own gives us more choices, oney never resolved any emotional issues.
Getting organized and dispensing with most of my families antiques gives me closure in my life.
There were things that were well over 60 years of age taken from my mothers home.
Some of the items were over 100 years old and the thing that made it easier was the fact I understand that I can be a hoarder.
By letting tham leaving my home was also a rust issue that no matter how much money they fetch I trust the comaony to be fair and honest with us.
Letting go of the past was a slow learning curve.
Last year before my mother died I asked myself, have I said every thing I need to say to have closure with my mother.
What is important to my life today, the most important thing is having healthy realtionships with peiple that love me.
Secondly I will not allow money issues to adversely affect my healthy realtions.
I use to be a jackal and hyde personailtiy, hot and cold laugh one minute anger the next.
The rage and anger that use to rush out at times was that immature angry hurt child that never healed from his past.
I have time scales and spread sheets that clearly lay out my needs my wants and my goals.
Do I do the very best I can do each day, is my time full ad productive.
My sleep is very unsettled at this time, lots on my mind and no enough time to get every thing done.
I will be attending Exter GA meetings for just two more weeks.
Then I move on to London and surrey and then attend 50th Birthday of GA in the UK from 5th to 7th September 2014.
It took me along time to identify that I was a very unhealthy person.
I use to be so over sentive getting angry and upset at every one and every thing.
Sadly I had got in to teh unhealthy habits of burying and suporessing pains of my life.
The recovery program is a low healing process.
You are not able to heal your pains if you are not willing to admit to your self you are in pain.
Every fear I had as an adult as due to unresolved pains of my past.
During my gambling days the only time I felt sucessful was when I got easy money.
Every time I take the easy option of avoiding doing things or facing people I am cheating myself.
There are just not enough hours in the day for me.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fear I was no willing or able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my loneliness due to my fear of emotional intimacy with other people, and my feelings of boredom.
I am stimulated by doing new things today, that hurt inner child wants to do and touch every thing.
Am I a talker or a walker today.
Do I give myself appproval for doing a good job today, recovery is about progress not perfection.
In all seriousness would I be attending meetings after over 44 years if recovery program did not work for me.
I use to spend so much time worrying about things that I stunted from growth and getting things done.
Am I ignorant about certain things today, yes for sure yet that does not make me stupid.
Is there much more I can do with my life today, yes for sure yet I am still learning by slo steady baby steps.
On arriving in the spirtual recovery program money and gambling were my main focus.
If you asked me what was it that important that I lost on my last bet I would have told you a certain amount of money lost.
Today I understand that each time I gambled I put the love of my family at rsik.
The most costly bet would have been losing the love of my family.
Did I think that the spirtual recovery program was all about religion, yes for sure, did I think that the spirtual recovery program was going to control me, yes for sure
Today for me I understand that the spirtual recovery program was going to help me take control of my life, the spirtual recovery program was going to help me help myself become a healthier person.
The spirtual recovery program was going to help me understand that being honest is not painful, that becoming mature benefits every one including myself.
I will be attending the UK 50th GA birthday on 5th Sept 2014 in Basildon Essex.
I am looking forward to it and understanding that very few people I knew back in 1969 will be as dediciated to the sirtual recovery program as I have hav been over 44 years.
Sadly because I have been going so long does not make me an expert in any sense of the word.
I want to see more people in the spirtual recovery program, if they have no maney that is not important, them being there is far more importnt thhan their money.
People do to have to give therapy unless they want to.
The spirtual recovery program should change with its peoole, the wording should be updated, pride never hindered my recovery, fear did inhibted me.
I am able to travel now and do not take my worst enemy with me, myself.
I was often given good advice yet did not understand it, engage brain opening my mouth, the consequences of things I use to say.
Every action has consequences, healthy actions and healthy words have healthy consequences, unhealthy actions and unhealthy words have unhealthy consequences.
One thing I know for sure living in the pains of my past is not healthy, living in the pains of my past is detrimental to my spirtual growth.
I am in no way special or unique on my own, my healthy spirtual interaction and spirtual growth has enabled me to live a life I only dreamed of.
The dream world being consumed by my addictions and obsessions was a very self destruction path.
As each person in a recovery room gets healthier the room itself gets much healthier.
The spirtual recovery program has enabled me to embrace it as my second family, the spirtual recovery program has empowered me in so many ways.
People will give therapy when they are ready for it.
The last few days have been very productive.
My body is certainly complaining about me doing so much garden wrk.
It took me over 23 years to learn an understand step one.
Step one is simple broken in to 3 parts, Surrender acceptance and understanding my emotional triggers.
I was like a rat in the wheel going faster and faster getting no where fast.
I coulld not or would not acknowledge that each time I gambled I was in self destruction mode.
No matter when my last bet was all the time I am in my recovery I was an equal to all people.
In the rooms of recovery I would understand and start to heal my pains and heal from my past.
Recovery is all about healing maturing in an emotional way.
In my life time I have suffered physical abuse, I have suffered emotonal abuse, and I have suffered sexual abuse.
I have felt for some considerable time a victim, in being in my recovery I have been the perpetrator, and at one time I thought I could rescue people.
I learned that no matter when my last bet being in my recovery was my only hope of becoming healthy once more.
I learned to listen and also learned to understand that every one has their own beleifs and that while in recovery we learn to get along with all people.
Being in the sirtual recovery program unselttles peoples that knew me.
Life being unmanagable was about my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness and my boredom.
Christmas use to be a big emotional trigger, peoples agression towards me, a big emotional trigger, Saturday mornings were once big emotional triggers.
Do I fear emotional intimacy today, do I fear exposing my feelings towards other people today.
It is strange that more ladies seem to be able to relate to me than most men, it is strange that ladies seem to want me to sponsor tham, yet most do not understand that asking for sponsor is very important to them.
Ladies often find it difficult to ask for help, sponsorship is a two way street.
I did not have a choice before entering the spirtual recovery program.
I was unhealthy and did not know it.
Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that says I value myself today.
Then just for today became I will now become more healthy and more productive in many healthy ways.
As I got more healthy my time is more productive.
My unhealthy reaction is anger was an indicator that I had not healed from the pains of my past, in time I would understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains and an unhealthy reaction to my fears, and an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
In time I was going to appreciate the serenity prayer even though I am not a religious person.
I am not able to change another person the only person I can change is myself.
People including myself use to blame other people for how they felt, today if people are angry do I automatically think their anger is my responsibility.
At what time in my life did I start to bury and suppress my pains, at what time in my life did I start to live in fear and not be able to speak out for myself.
Can I say in any way I am healthy today.
Do I try to justify my actions today.
Do I think it is important to prove I am right in any way.
Is being right more important than my relationships with other people.
Do I take it personally if other people beliefs do not agree with mine.
People pushing their beliefs on to other people is an indicator of how insecure they are with in them self.
Do I need to prove a point to any one today.
In understanding spiritual values do I practice those values in my life today.
I use to feel that my feelings were controlled by other peole and life.
Today I am not willing to let fear inhibit me from getting the very best from life.
My addictions a d obsessions were just a very celar indicator that I could not cope with life and people.
My purpose today is t be very selfish and for me to become the healthiest I can be.
There is nothing I can do or say to change my past.
Pain I did to myself and others is done now let me get on with my life.
I am very selfish in my recovery, my recovery is the most important thing in my life today.
Taking the easy escape option is not my way today.
I wished far to much of my time away before recovery.
I am able to listen and learn today, I am able to ask for help today, I am able to admit my ignorance today.
My resentments were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My vengeful thoughts were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My hatred was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My feeling the victim was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My not feeling loved was an indicator that I was filled with fears.
How much do I value myself today.
I am still eager to get things done yet the rain still delays me getting things done.
Accepting the serenity prayer helps me in so many ways.
In being in the spirtual recovery program I am able to understand other people being unhealthy because I see myself as I was in the past.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to trun unhealthy habits.
My unhealthy reaction to life an dpeople started from a very early aage.
I was for sure a victim from a very early age.
Yet over time I became teh perpetrator in so many ways.
Being a vcitim has nothing to do about physical size or s*x.
Being a vcitim was me not being able to speak up for myself.
I am able to be a healthier peerson today because of the things I have learned being in my recovery.
I do not and did have to take up reigion to become healthy.
Yet over time I would grow to learn spirtual values.
In the spirtual recovery program we are all equals.
It is a simple fact that I was very ignorant as to how the spirtual recovery would work for me.
I have invested a great deal of time and energy keeping at my revoverry and in the healing process.
I felt like a victim for so long in my life living in the pains of my past.
Reacting in such unhealty ways, now I am able to interact with people and life a healthy whole some life.
Being so over sensitive and getting angry was an indicator I was aunable to heal my pains.
Shirley & I have been so busy in getting things done in time allowed.
I do not hav a desire to gamble which is strange because I use to feel I had no choice but to gamble before recovery.
Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.
My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.
My fears use to cause me to be angry.
My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.
My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.
Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.
Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.
For me today as I became healthier my values changed.
All the time I was focused on status money and material items.
Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.
Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.
I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.
Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.
One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.
I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.
Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.
Our conscience is very much spiritual based.
When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.
Yesterday we were very productive as a team. I am more useful these days.
There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.
I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.
Today I am stable and realxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.
Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.
When people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.
My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.
Tomorrow we sign the final papers regards my mums passsing on.
It has been a year since her death and yet I now feel more at peace with her than ever before in my life.
There are three records of her father playing vaudeville I want to transfer.
I hope that I am able to do that soon.
What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.
Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failure.
In fact my theory is that every thing in ou rlife is a test of our steel.
How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.
Shirley & I are both working hard to get things done in our time.
Rain stops play of course that is time to relax and enjoy what we have and who we are today.
I am looking forward to being at the 50th Celebration of GA in the UK at Basildon Essex.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.
I am able to be more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
Thank you every one that commented about my GA birthday you caring and sharing helps me live a healthier day simply by taking baby steps each day.
The distance to my next bet is the same as every one else, in recovery I am equal to all people.
Pride is the reward I give myself for getting healthier each day and by my daily progress taking on new goals and new challenges.
There is no end to how healthy we can all get once we commit ourself to slow progressve growth in every avenue of my life.
Every time I make excuses or justify my unhealthy actions I am cheating myself.
How does the spirtual recovery program work for me, willl it work for me, how long will full recovery take.
Some people will push their religious beleifs on to other oeople, they may feel poroud of their religious belief, oir they make push religion because of their own insecuirites.
Being a spirtual recovery program really has nothing to do about religion.
Only once we are willing to identify we are doing and saying some very unhealthy things only then can we do some thing about it.
I appreciate how important spiritau growth and maturity are for me today, once you embrace spirtual growth you will never want to go back to being unhealthy once more.
It is very clear to me that on arriving in the recovery program I was not a stupid person, yet I was very ignorant as to howunhealthy I had become.
Over time as I grow and mature my reson for questioning every aspect about spirtual recovery program was due to my willingness and enthusiasm to become more aware of what i need to do for myself.
As I grow and mature I am able to see the unhealthy character defecticieies in other peopl that were unhealthy habits I use to justify in my earlier unhealthy days.
The more involved I got in my recovery the less lonely I was going to feel and more connected with healthier people.
I use to wish my life away, now I embrace and am excited by living today.
Not bad considering the fact I was willing to try and take my own life at one time.
I am a survivor today, there is nothig that could be done to me that has not already been done to me during my life.
Sadly when I walked in to the recovery program I did not fully appreciate how unhealthy I was.
I even thought that the spirtual recovery program was a short term resolve.
Like many people I thought that once I was able to abstain from my addictive obsessive ways I would be happy and content with in myself.
I even thught that once I paid off money owing I would be happy and content with in myself.
The spirtual recovery program was going to help me be accountable to myself with out giving myself a hard time.
My fear of being accountable was going to reduce over time.
The serenity prayer was going to help me understand that living in the pains of my past due to guilt and shame has no benefit what so ever to myself.
My fear of being honest was going to fade and being honest was going to be an every day thing.
Today I am able to honest with out being cruel, my nature now is more about being more nuturing and encouraging to myself and other people.
Last night I mentioned at a meeting last night about sponsrship and ho wimportant it is for our getting spirtually healthy once more.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I did not have a choice but to escape in many ways.
By keeping going to the spirtual recovery program meetings I am proof that I am a suvivor.
The more self enlightened I am able understand more and ***** what I need to do to become a more calm healthier person.
It took me far to long to learn and understand my emotional triggers, my pains I was unable to heal, my fears I was unable to face, my frsutrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life.
Due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life caused myself a lot of pain.
My loneliness was very much due to abandonment issues from my child bood.
My fears of emotional intimacy caused me to isolate myself from other people at any kind of deep level connections.
My boredom was due to me limiting myself as to how much I could with my life an dmy time.
At one time gambling was every thing to me, today I feel like I am emoitonlly detached from all kinds of gambling and risk taking.
My health and well being today is more important than money today.
Am I at peace with my past today, is that hurt little cild in me at peace with imself today.
The opportunity to gets thing done in my life is important to me today.
It is important to get things done but to also enjoy doing them.
If I do things out of anger and resentment I am cheating myself, If I do things conditionally or have expectations I am cheating myself.
How long in my recovery before I did things for myself.
I am a very selfish person today, my recovery comes frist, me becoming a more sirtual person comes first.
There was a time when I focused on the text or spelling before I understood that the message of healing and recovering was the important thing for me.
Now that my mothers possesions are gone from her home Shirley and I have felt mums home is no longer the same.
In some ways mothers home feels more like our home today.
I was with my mother before and during her death.
I was very confident that in order for both my mother and I were to have peace over her death that I would need to face my fears and do and ay things that were essential for us to both have closure on her death.
There fore I was more honest and exposed myself to her and told her my feelings, expressed my gratitude towards every during our life we did and said some very unhealthy things and that the past was so longer important to our realtionship today.
That the most important things for us were that minute in knowing no matter what happened in our past that our relationship and our love for each other was what ciunted that day.
My step fathers stamp collection is missing or has been stolen.
I have ACCEPTED certain things and know that worrying about it will not change its dissapearence so in accepting sernity prayer I have let go of its loss.
Money and material things are only lent to us, money and material things were only temary things in ou rlife.
Money on it own gives us more choices, oney never resolved any emotional issues.
Getting organized and dispensing with most of my families antiques gives me closure in my life.
There were things that were well over 60 years of age taken from my mothers home.
Some of the items were over 100 years old and the thing that made it easier was the fact I understand that I can be a hoarder.
By letting tham leaving my home was also a rust issue that no matter how much money they fetch I trust the comaony to be fair and honest with us.
Letting go of the past was a slow learning curve.
Last year before my mother died I asked myself, have I said every thing I need to say to have closure with my mother.
What is important to my life today, the most important thing is having healthy realtionships with peiple that love me.
Secondly I will not allow money issues to adversely affect my healthy realtions.
I use to be a jackal and hyde personailtiy, hot and cold laugh one minute anger the next.
The rage and anger that use to rush out at times was that immature angry hurt child that never healed from his past.
I have time scales and spread sheets that clearly lay out my needs my wants and my goals.
Do I do the very best I can do each day, is my time full ad productive.
My sleep is very unsettled at this time, lots on my mind and no enough time to get every thing done.
I will be attending Exter GA meetings for just two more weeks.
Then I move on to London and surrey and then attend 50th Birthday of GA in the UK from 5th to 7th September 2014.
It took me along time to identify that I was a very unhealthy person.
I use to be so over sentive getting angry and upset at every one and every thing.
Sadly I had got in to teh unhealthy habits of burying and suporessing pains of my life.
The recovery program is a low healing process.
You are not able to heal your pains if you are not willing to admit to your self you are in pain.
Every fear I had as an adult as due to unresolved pains of my past.
During my gambling days the only time I felt sucessful was when I got easy money.
Every time I take the easy option of avoiding doing things or facing people I am cheating myself.
There are just not enough hours in the day for me.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fear I was no willing or able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my loneliness due to my fear of emotional intimacy with other people, and my feelings of boredom.
I am stimulated by doing new things today, that hurt inner child wants to do and touch every thing.
Am I a talker or a walker today.
Do I give myself appproval for doing a good job today, recovery is about progress not perfection.
In all seriousness would I be attending meetings after over 44 years if recovery program did not work for me.
I use to spend so much time worrying about things that I stunted from growth and getting things done.
Am I ignorant about certain things today, yes for sure yet that does not make me stupid.
Is there much more I can do with my life today, yes for sure yet I am still learning by slo steady baby steps.
On arriving in the spirtual recovery program money and gambling were my main focus.
If you asked me what was it that important that I lost on my last bet I would have told you a certain amount of money lost.
Today I understand that each time I gambled I put the love of my family at rsik.
The most costly bet would have been losing the love of my family.
Did I think that the spirtual recovery program was all about religion, yes for sure, did I think that the spirtual recovery program was going to control me, yes for sure
Today for me I understand that the spirtual recovery program was going to help me take control of my life, the spirtual recovery program was going to help me help myself become a healthier person.
The spirtual recovery program was going to help me understand that being honest is not painful, that becoming mature benefits every one including myself.
I will be attending the UK 50th GA birthday on 5th Sept 2014 in Basildon Essex.
I am looking forward to it and understanding that very few people I knew back in 1969 will be as dediciated to the sirtual recovery program as I have hav been over 44 years.
Sadly because I have been going so long does not make me an expert in any sense of the word.
I want to see more people in the spirtual recovery program, if they have no maney that is not important, them being there is far more importnt thhan their money.
People do to have to give therapy unless they want to.
The spirtual recovery program should change with its peoole, the wording should be updated, pride never hindered my recovery, fear did inhibted me.
I am able to travel now and do not take my worst enemy with me, myself.
I was often given good advice yet did not understand it, engage brain opening my mouth, the consequences of things I use to say.
Every action has consequences, healthy actions and healthy words have healthy consequences, unhealthy actions and unhealthy words have unhealthy consequences.
One thing I know for sure living in the pains of my past is not healthy, living in the pains of my past is detrimental to my spirtual growth.
I am in no way special or unique on my own, my healthy spirtual interaction and spirtual growth has enabled me to live a life I only dreamed of.
The dream world being consumed by my addictions and obsessions was a very self destruction path.
As each person in a recovery room gets healthier the room itself gets much healthier.
The spirtual recovery program has enabled me to embrace it as my second family, the spirtual recovery program has empowered me in so many ways.
People will give therapy when they are ready for it.
The last few days have been very productive.
My body is certainly complaining about me doing so much garden wrk.
It took me over 23 years to learn an understand step one.
Step one is simple broken in to 3 parts, Surrender acceptance and understanding my emotional triggers.
I was like a rat in the wheel going faster and faster getting no where fast.
I coulld not or would not acknowledge that each time I gambled I was in self destruction mode.
No matter when my last bet was all the time I am in my recovery I was an equal to all people.
In the rooms of recovery I would understand and start to heal my pains and heal from my past.
Recovery is all about healing maturing in an emotional way.
In my life time I have suffered physical abuse, I have suffered emotonal abuse, and I have suffered sexual abuse.
I have felt for some considerable time a victim, in being in my recovery I have been the perpetrator, and at one time I thought I could rescue people.
I learned that no matter when my last bet being in my recovery was my only hope of becoming healthy once more.
I learned to listen and also learned to understand that every one has their own beleifs and that while in recovery we learn to get along with all people.
Being in the sirtual recovery program unselttles peoples that knew me.
Life being unmanagable was about my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness and my boredom.
Christmas use to be a big emotional trigger, peoples agression towards me, a big emotional trigger, Saturday mornings were once big emotional triggers.
Do I fear emotional intimacy today, do I fear exposing my feelings towards other people today.
It is strange that more ladies seem to be able to relate to me than most men, it is strange that ladies seem to want me to sponsor tham, yet most do not understand that asking for sponsor is very important to them.
Ladies often find it difficult to ask for help, sponsorship is a two way street.
I did not have a choice before entering the spirtual recovery program.
I was unhealthy and did not know it.
Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that says I value myself today.
Then just for today became I will now become more healthy and more productive in many healthy ways.
As I got more healthy my time is more productive.
My unhealthy reaction is anger was an indicator that I had not healed from the pains of my past, in time I would understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains and an unhealthy reaction to my fears, and an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
In time I was going to appreciate the serenity prayer even though I am not a religious person.
I am not able to change another person the only person I can change is myself.
People including myself use to blame other people for how they felt, today if people are angry do I automatically think their anger is my responsibility.
At what time in my life did I start to bury and suppress my pains, at what time in my life did I start to live in fear and not be able to speak out for myself.
Can I say in any way I am healthy today.
Do I try to justify my actions today.
Do I think it is important to prove I am right in any way.
Is being right more important than my relationships with other people.
Do I take it personally if other people beliefs do not agree with mine.
People pushing their beliefs on to other people is an indicator of how insecure they are with in them self.
Do I need to prove a point to any one today.
In understanding spiritual values do I practice those values in my life today.
I use to feel that my feelings were controlled by other peole and life.
Today I am not willing to let fear inhibit me from getting the very best from life.
My addictions a d obsessions were just a very celar indicator that I could not cope with life and people.
My purpose today is t be very selfish and for me to become the healthiest I can be.
There is nothing I can do or say to change my past.
Pain I did to myself and others is done now let me get on with my life.
I am very selfish in my recovery, my recovery is the most important thing in my life today.
Taking the easy escape option is not my way today.
I wished far to much of my time away before recovery.
I am able to listen and learn today, I am able to ask for help today, I am able to admit my ignorance today.
My resentments were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My vengeful thoughts were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My hatred was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My feeling the victim was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.
My not feeling loved was an indicator that I was filled with fears.
How much do I value myself today.
I am still eager to get things done yet the rain still delays me getting things done.
Accepting the serenity prayer helps me in so many ways.
In being in the spirtual recovery program I am able to understand other people being unhealthy because I see myself as I was in the past.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to trun unhealthy habits.
My unhealthy reaction to life an dpeople started from a very early aage.
I was for sure a victim from a very early age.
Yet over time I became teh perpetrator in so many ways.
Being a vcitim has nothing to do about physical size or s*x.
Being a vcitim was me not being able to speak up for myself.
I am able to be a healthier peerson today because of the things I have learned being in my recovery.
I do not and did have to take up reigion to become healthy.
Yet over time I would grow to learn spirtual values.
In the spirtual recovery program we are all equals.
It is a simple fact that I was very ignorant as to how the spirtual recovery would work for me.
I have invested a great deal of time and energy keeping at my revoverry and in the healing process.
I felt like a victim for so long in my life living in the pains of my past.
Reacting in such unhealty ways, now I am able to interact with people and life a healthy whole some life.
Being so over sensitive and getting angry was an indicator I was aunable to heal my pains.
Shirley & I have been so busy in getting things done in time allowed.
I do not hav a desire to gamble which is strange because I use to feel I had no choice but to gamble before recovery.
Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.
My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.
My fears use to cause me to be angry.
My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.
My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.
Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.
Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.
For me today as I became healthier my values changed.
All the time I was focused on status money and material items.
Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.
Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.
I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.
Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.
One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.
I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.
Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.
Our conscience is very much spiritual based.
When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.
Yesterday we were very productive as a team. I am more useful these days.
There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.
I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.
Today I am stable and realxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.
Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.
When people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.
My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.
Tomorrow we sign the final papers regards my mums passsing on.
It has been a year since her death and yet I now feel more at peace with her than ever before in my life.
There are three records of her father playing vaudeville I want to transfer.
I hope that I am able to do that soon.
What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.
Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failure.
In fact my theory is that every thing in ou rlife is a test of our steel.
How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.
Shirley & I are both working hard to get things done in our time.
Rain stops play of course that is time to relax and enjoy what we have and who we are today.
I am looking forward to being at the 50th Celebration of GA in the UK at Basildon Essex.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.
I am able to be more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
Last night was a very touching fair well at Exter GA, even though I have attended over a month I felt I had connections with people attending.
No matter when people had their last bet that is not important in GA every person has some thing to give me about their expereinces.
Even though I had no money the meetings toldme tey wantd to see me there with out any money.
GA is like a second family to me, the expereinces the humor the healty banter there were time I laughed in meetings when I felt I was not able to laugh.
The couple of cakes I took for the meeting Exeter were accepted well.
There were only peices left and today that is going to be my breakfast, cheese cake and chocolate cake.
The days here have been very full, very productive, mums home looks like another home.
The cakes were a healthy way of me thanking every one in that room tonight for being there for me, because with out you guys I would not be who I am today.
I am not a person pleasing person today, I do not seek approval from any one, the cakes are a way of me saying how much I value myself today.
I have been in recovery since 1969, during those years in recovery I know that the spirtual recovery program works.
More healthy interactions than unhealthy reactions to life and people.
My anger use to be an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, to my fears I was able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people.
Life being unmanagable step one was all due to my emotonal triggers to my feelings of pains I could not heal, to my feelings of fears I was able to face, my feelings of frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.
I use to take the easy opton in so many ways, in the old days the only way I felt sucessful was by winning money or getting easy money.
Today I feel sucessful today due to my productive healthy actions and I feel sucessful today due to my healthy words and healthy interactions with other people.
My gratitude is an indicator of how much my values have changed today, my gratitude is an indicator of how many spiritual values are in my life today.
On walking in the spiritual recovery I did not understand how unhealthy I was, today I am maturing and growing in so many ways,
Understanding that my reaction to life and other people is my responsibility, it took me over 23 years to ***** an understanding life being unmanageable was due to my emotional triggers.
My unhealthy reaction to life and other people is about life being unmanageable due to my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.
If I remained feeling like a victim tells me I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am being resentful I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am taking other peoples unhealthy actions and words personally I am not healing my pains in a healthy way.
Understanding panic was due to the high levels of fear I was living in for a large part of my life.
Panic caused me to do or say unhealthy things, panic caused me to doubt myself and every one else, panic was due to the fact I felt like I was out of control in my life.
My sulking was due to my expectations and an indicator that I had not matured and grown up.
My sulking was an indicator that I was not happy with the way things were going.
My sulking was an indicator that I was not accepting the limitations of life or other people and that my expectations were unreasonable about other people and life.
There are not enough hours in the day for me these days.
Having lists of things to do helps me stay very focused on today.
Fear caused me to doubt myself and fear caused me to doubt people around me.
Recently I have made purchases of tools to get jobs done, each time I do new jobs I build my confidence in myself.
When I ask for help is an indicator of how strong I am that day, when I ask for advice and directions is an indicator of how strong I am that day, when I show how vulnerable I am emotionally is an indicator of how strong I am that day.
My healthy motives are important to me today, I do things because I want or need to do them today.
As I cross things off my want and need to do list I am building the confidence in myself, as I cross things off my want and need to do list I am improving the pride I have in myself.
Each healthy action I do is saying that I value myself today.
Just for today I will is about me setting my mind to do things that are healthy for me an people around me.
Setting boundaries is about how much I value myself today.
I am looking forward to the 50th Celebration of GA in the UK at Basildon Essex.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.
I am able to be far more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the spiritual recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
I am now in Croydon Surrey UK and am intending to go to Lingfield meeting tonight.
Being in a strange bed is unsettling to me yet I slept very well indeed and am very grateful to family people that put Shirley & us during our visit.
What is very healthy and useful for my recovery is that I stay more focused on things today.
I use to juggle so many things in my head that I became very limited in what I got done.
Fear was a great limiter to me living a full life, that along with anger and resentments.
When I use to read internet shares I focused on grammar and spelling not the message behind people exposing more of them self and their expereinces.
I am indeed looking forward to attending GA 5oth convntion at Basildon 5th Sept 2014, by the way I am not on commision.
I am intending on being at Lingfield meeting then going on to Basildon and have a day to relax and feel comfortabl with in myself.
Being healthy I am able to ask for help, being healthy I am able to admit to people that I am ignorant and do not know all the answers, being healthy I am able to honest and fearless, Being healthy I am able to live my life with out fear holding me back today, being healthy I am able to be myself.
GA is like a second family to me, the expereinces the humor the healthy banter there were time I laughed in meetings when I felt I was not able to laugh.
My days are very full, very productive.
I have been in recovery since 1969, during those years in recovery I know that the spirtual recovery program works.
More healthy interactions than unhealthy reactions to life and people.
My anger use to be an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, to my fears I was able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people.
Life being unmanagable step one was all due to my emotonal triggers to my feelings of pains I could not heal, to my feelings of fears I was able to face, my feelings of frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.
I use to take the easy opton in so many ways, in the old days the only way I felt sucessful was by winning money or getting easy money.
Today I feel sucessful today due to my productive healthy actions and I feel sucessful today due to my healthy words and healthy interactions with other people.
My gratitude is an indicator of how much my values have changed today, my gratitude is an indicator of how many spiritual values are in my life today.
On walking in the spiritual recovery I did not understand how unhealthy I was, today I am maturing and growing in so many ways,
Understanding that my reaction to life and other people is my responsibility, it took me over 23 years to ***** an understanding life being unmanageable was due to my emotional triggers.
My unhealthy reaction to life and other people is about life being unmanageable due to my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.
If I remained feeling like a victim tells me I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am being resentful I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am taking other peoples unhealthy actions and words personally I am not healing my pains in a healthy way.
Understanding panic was due to the high levels of fear I was living in for a large part of my life.
Panic caused me to do or say unhealthy things, panic caused me to doubt myself and every one else, panic was due to the fact I felt like I was out of control in my life.
My sulking was due to my expectations and an indicator that I had not matured and grown up.
My sulking was an indicator that I was not happy with the way things were going.
My sulking was an indicator that I was not accepting the limitations of life or other people and that my expectations were unreasonable about other people and life.
There are not enough hours in the day for me these days.
Having lists of things to do helps me stay very focused on today.
Fear caused me to doubt myself and fear caused me to doubt people around me.
When I ask for help is an indicator of how strong I am that day, when I ask for advice and directions is an indicator of how strong I am that day, when I show how vulnerable I am emotionally is an indicator of how strong I am that day.
My healthy motives are important to me today, I do things because I want or need to do them today.
As I cross things off my want and need to do list I am building the confidence in myself, as I cross things off my want and need to do list I am improving the pride I have in myself.
Each healthy action I do is saying that I value myself today.
Just for today I will is about me setting my mind to do things that are healthy for me and all people around me.
Setting boundaries is about how much I value myself today.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them all.
I am able to be far more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the spiritual recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
I left Lingfield last night feeling good after attending meeting.
I had list of instructions how to get to Basildon Essex and got lost, yet arrived at hotel just after midnight.
Went to bed about 2 am and woke up 6am and was reallxed and ready to go.
Breakfast at 8am Swimming at 9am now ready to attend GA 50th Birthday in the UK.
Is me being here about money or wasting time or even being bored no I am here for very selfish reasons I want to be far more healthy.
Am I willing to listen to all peoples sharing and an explanation of their recovery.
There are often times when people are not willing or able to healthy advice.
Even though I am in a completely strange location in a place I have never been before I am able to be mysef with feeling nervous or uncomfortable.
I do not need to drink alchol to be myself.
Loneliness was one of my emotional triigers and also not feeling worthy of feeling proud or good about myself.
As I lose body weight I am having more energy and feel much more psotive about myself.
Healthy action and healthy words generate pride and self worth in myself.
The wording escape was often used in the spirtual recovery program.
Once understanding wording escape was an indicator of deep feaar based issues.
In making lists on regular basis out of ten how much emoitonal pain am I living in today.
Out of ten how much fear am I living in today.
Out of ten how much frustration am I living in today.
Out of ten how much frustration am I living in today.
Out of ten how lonely and isolated am I feeling today.
Out of ten how bored am I feeling today.
In comparing those feeling as to how I use to feel where do I need to work on today to improve how I feel in myself.
Am I nurturing and encouraging towards myself today.
This morning there is no test of my steel I am at a very stable state of mind and feel very comfortable with in myself.
No matter when people had their last bet that is not important in GA every person has some thing to give me about their expereinces.
Even though I had no money the meetings told me they wantd to see me there with out any money.
GA is like a second family to me, the expereinces the humor the healty banter there were time I laughed in meetings when I felt I was not able to laugh.
The days here have been very full, very productive, now I take spirtual recovery seriously today.
I was not selfish on walking in the spirtual recovery program, I was how ever very self destructive which is completely different.
I have been in recovery since 1969, during those years in recovery I know that the spirtual recovery program works.
More healthy interactions than unhealthy reactions to life and people.
My anger use to be an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, to my fears I was able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people.
Life being unmanagable step one was all due to my emotonal triggers to my feelings of pains I could not heal, to my feelings of fears I was able to face, my feelings of frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.
I use to take the easy opton in so many ways, in the old days the only way I felt sucessful was by winning money or getting easy money.
Today I feel sucessful today due to my productive healthy actions and I feel sucessful today due to my healthy words and healthy interactions with other people.
My gratitude is an indicator of how much my values have changed today, my gratitude is an indicator of how many spiritual values are in my life today.
On walking in the spiritual recovery I did not understand how unhealthy I was, today I am maturing and growing in so many ways,
Understanding that my reaction to life and other people is my responsibility, it took me over 23 years to ***** an understanding life being unmanageable was due to my emotional triggers.
My unhealthy reaction to life and other people is about life being unmanageable due to my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.
If I remained feeling like a victim tells me I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am being resentful I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am taking other peoples unhealthy actions and words personally I am not healing my pains in a healthy way.
Understanding panic was due to the high levels of fear I was living in for a large part of my life.
Panic caused me to do or say unhealthy things, panic caused me to doubt myself and every one else, panic was due to the fact I felt like I was out of control in my life.
My sulking was due to my expectations and an indicator that I had not matured and grown up.
My sulking was an indicator that I was not happy with the way things were going.
My sulking was an indicator that I was not accepting the limitations of life or other people and that my expectations were unreasonable about other people and life.
There are not enough hours in the day for me these days.
Having lists of things to do helps me stay very focused on today.
Fear caused me to doubt myself and fear caused me to doubt people around me.
As I cross things off my want and need to do list I am building the confidence in myself, as I cross things off my want and need to do list I am improving the pride I have in myself.
Each healthy action I do is saying that I value myself today.
Just for today I will is about me setting my mind to do things that are healthy for me and people around me.
Setting boundaries is about how much I value myself today.
I am looking forward to the 50th Celebration of GA in the UK at Basildon Essex.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.
I am able to be far more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the spiritual recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
I was glad to attend the UK 50th Convention celebrating GA being active for so long.
The people who did the work did an excellent job.
You could see and feel it was a team effort on every ones part.
Even for the candle display was LED which suited me with my brathing and COPD issues.
There was a notice board there for people who has since passed on.
I left a message for Tony P who I did not always see eye to eye yet on I appreciated and respected that man very much as well as Dr Jack, I met with Dr Jacks son an told him how much his father meant to every one.
The time is now 4am here in London and time for us t move on to the next prt of our journey together as a loving husband and wife.
In time people learn and understand that recovery works for every one if they are willing if they put a lot of time and effort in to their recovery.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am a survivor in every word.
The only time I use to feel any benefit in life was when I got some thing for nothing or took the easy option.
Today it is by my healthy actions that I feel healthy with in myself, I give myself approval with every thing I progress with.
I would like to think that I no longer have an emotional need to escape from pain fear frsutrations loneliness or boredom.
I am stimulated by life and having healthy realtionships today.
There was a time when I needed to drink alcohol to feel comfortable mixing with other people.
All the time I kept going back to the spirtual recovery program I was going through a leanring expereince, what was my emotional trigger on having that last bet.
The spirtual recovery program never failed me, I quite often failed to work the spirtual recovery program.
After a long time in recovery I was getting very frsutrated reading the text of GA.
I then became aware that talking from logic was not enough for me, I needed to talk from the heart, in time once I was able to let that inner child in me cry I felt a healing proceess start.
Is my emotional age and physical age matched today, am I over sensitive and get angry today, am I tolrant and patient with myself and other people today.
Do I understand that control issues are fear based, do I understand that me wanting to control life and people is not healthy for me.
I am eager and enthusiastic getting things done yet less obsessive.
Accepting the serenity prayer helps me in so many ways.
In being in the spirtual recovery program I am able to understand other people being unhealthy because I see myself as I was in the past.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to turn towards unhealthy habits.
My unhealthy reaction to life and people started from a very early aage.
I was for sure a victim from a very early age.
Yet over time I became the perpetrator in so many ways.
Being a victim has nothing to do about physical size or s*x.
Being a vcitim was me not being able to speak up for myself or able to stand up for myself..
I am able to be a healthier person today because of the things I have learned being in my recovery.
I do not and did not have to take up religion to become healthy.
Yet over time I would grow to learn spirtual values.
In the spirtual recovery program we are all equals.
It is a simple fact that I was very ignorant as to how the spirtual recovery would work for me.
I have invested a great deal of time and energy keeping at my revoverry and in the healing process.
I felt like a victim for so long in my life living in the pains of my past.
Reacting in such unhealty ways, now I am able to interact with people and life a healthy whole some life.
Being so over sensitive and getting angry was an indicator I was aunable to heal my pains.
Shirley & I have been busy in our life getting things done in an healthy way.
I do not hav a desire to gamble which is strange because I use to feel I had no choice but to gamble before recovery.
Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.
My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.
My fears use to cause me to be angry.
My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.
My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.
Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.
Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.
For me today as I became healthier my values changed.
All the time I was focused on status money and material items.
Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.
Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.
I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.
Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.
One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.
I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.
Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.
My conscience is very much spiritual based.
When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.
There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.
I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.
Today I am stable and relaxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.
Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.
When other people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.
My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.
We have now signed the final papers regards my mums passsing on.
It has been nearly a year since mums death and yet I now feel more at peace with her than ever before in my life.
What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.
Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failures.
In fact my theory is that every thing in our life is a test of our steel.
How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them all.
I am able to be more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very ignorant weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.
I was glad to attend the UK 50th Convention celebrating GA being active for so long.
The people who did the work did an excellent job.
You could see and feel it was a team effort on every ones part.
Even for the candle display was LED which suited me with my brathing and COPD issues.
There was a notice board there for people who has since passed on.
I left a message for Tony P who I did not always see eye to eye yet on I appreciated and respected that man very much as well as Dr Jack, I met with Dr Jacks son an told him how much his father meant to every one.
The time is now 4am here in London and time for us t move on to the next prt of our journey together as a loving husband and wife.
In time people learn and understand that recovery works for every one if they are willing if they put a lot of time and effort in to their recovery.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am a survivor in every word.
The only time I use to feel any benefit in life was when I got some thing for nothing or took the easy option.
Today it is by my healthy actions that I feel healthy with in myself, I give myself approval with every thing I progress with.
I would like to think that I no longer have an emotional need to escape from pain fear frsutrations loneliness or boredom.
I am stimulated by life and having healthy realtionships today.
There was a time when I needed to drink alcohol to feel comfortable mixing with other people.
All the time I kept going back to the spirtual recovery program I was going through a leanring expereince, what was my emotional trigger on having that last bet.
The spirtual recovery program never failed me, I quite often failed to work the spirtual recovery program.
After a long time in recovery I was getting very frsutrated reading the text of GA.
I then became aware that talking from logic was not enough for me, I needed to talk from the heart, in time once I was able to let that inner child in me cry I felt a healing proceess start.
Is my emotional age and physical age matched today, am I over sensitive and get angry today, am I tolrant and patient with myself and other people today.
Do I understand that control issues are fear based, do I understand that me wanting to control life and people is not healthy for me.
I am eager and enthusiastic getting things done yet less obsessive.
Accepting the serenity prayer helps me in so many ways.
In being in the spirtual recovery program I am able to understand other people being unhealthy because I see myself as I was in the past.
Before entering the spirtual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to turn towards unhealthy habits.
My unhealthy reaction to life and people started from a very early aage.
I was for sure a victim from a very early age.
Yet over time I became the perpetrator in so many ways.
Being a victim has nothing to do about physical size or s*x.
Being a vcitim was me not being able to speak up for myself or able to stand up for myself..
I am able to be a healthier person today because of the things I have learned being in my recovery.
I do not and did not have to take up religion to become healthy.
Yet over time I would grow to learn spirtual values.
In the spirtual recovery program we are all equals.
It is a simple fact that I was very ignorant as to how the spirtual recovery would work for me.
I have invested a great deal of time and energy keeping at my revoverry and in the healing process.
I felt like a victim for so long in my life living in the pains of my past.
Reacting in such unhealty ways, now I am able to interact with people and life a healthy whole some life.
Being so over sensitive and getting angry was an indicator I was aunable to heal my pains.
Shirley & I have been busy in our life getting things done in an healthy way.
I do not hav a desire to gamble which is strange because I use to feel I had no choice but to gamble before recovery.
Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.
My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.
My fears use to cause me to be angry.
My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.
My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.
Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.
Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.
For me today as I became healthier my values changed.
All the time I was focused on status money and material items.
Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.
Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.
I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.
Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.
One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.
I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.
Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.
My conscience is very much spiritual based.
When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.
There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.
I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.
Today I am stable and relaxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.
Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.
When other people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.
My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.
We have now signed the final papers regards my mums passsing on.
It has been nearly a year since mums death and yet I now feel more at peace with her than ever before in my life.
What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.
Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failures.
In fact my theory is that every thing in our life is a test of our steel.
How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.
I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.
My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.
With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.
No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them all.
I am able to be more accountable to myself today.
I understand most aspects of the recovery program.
My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.
I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.
I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very ignorant weak vulnerable unhealthy person.
I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.
Fear was a way of me protecting myself
I no longer want to live in fear any more.
I do not fear the gambling establishments today.
I use to say that I wanted to be normal.
Today I want to be healthier than normal.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave Of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
Thursday night I attended the meeting which was very healthy for me, topics forgiving love and intimacy, I talked about my tears for my mothers loss. Even though I was suffering from jet lag I felt at home with those people.
These words use to cause more questions than answers for me.
Fear Dysfunctional Victim Perpetrator Rescuer Ignorant Inadequate Inept and spiritual.
For me I understand that I was born free of all fears, I was for sure an innocent child, sadly due to pains caused up on me with intent or unintentionally I reached a point where I could not heal my pains any more.
At that point I got in to the unhealthy habit of living in fear and burying and suppressing my pains I could not cope with. Over time I got over sensitive and got angry and resentful at everyone and everything.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.
Sadly during my child hood I wanted and need to feel nurtured loved and protected, that did not happen yet I internalized a lot of why those things were missing from my life.
In my life time people have transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me due to the fact they had unresolved issues in their life.
Even knowing how painful it felt being the victim I did unto other those things that were done to me, I would justify my unhealthy actions and words.
Living in fear was limiting me from living a healthy life, fear of mixing with people, fear of being honest, fear of trusting other people or their actions or words. Fear of opening up and letting people see the real vulnerable me. Fear of emotional intimacy. Fear of change. Fear of growing up and becoming mature. Fear of living and fear of dying there was no way I could succeed in my life and be healthy.
Dysfunctional best way to describe unhealthy dysfunctional people are they unable to be spiritually healthy, they often are gripped with fear and go into panic mode for no reason, Dysfunctional people escape responsibility, dysfunctional people will justify their unhealthy actions and unhealthy words, dysfunctional people will react in fear when talking about the past, dysfunctional people will use guilt to regulate and control other people, dysfunctional people will live in drama and want sympathy and pity and avoid being accountable today for their own actions and words.
Perpetrator is the best word to describe people that will use any method they can to get their own way, perpetrator cause pain to other people with or without intent, perpetrators will use words or actions to have an adverse effect on other people, perpetrators will use pain to push people buttons and in to thinking their way, because perpetrators are so insecure in them self.
Perpetrators will often want their behaviours to be kept behind locked doors and keep secrets because deep down they are ashamed of them self.
For me perpetrator or bullies and are weak inadequate insecure people who will do or say unhealthy things and go against their own conscience and against spiritual values to have their own way, can a perpetrator respect other people if they do not respect them self.
How long before we understand and feel that our gambling was not what caused pain to other people, it was our lies and deceptions that betrayed our relationship with our self and with other with other people and hurt those people.
For me inadequacy was the best word to describe my ignorance and lack of skills in every avenue of my life, feeling inadequate as an adult, feeling inadequate as a husband as a male, feeling inadequate as father son and also feeling inadequate because I did not have a clue what my wants needs or goals were in my life.
With no ambition and goals where was I heading in my life, who or what was going to take me to my destiny in my life.
What was my main focus in life that would make me feel whole and complete as a healthy person.
How did I think that I could rescue other people when I was unable to help myself, was being the rescuer a way of me not facing myself or my own vulnerability.
As a rescuer did I take responsibility when other people could not grow with in the recovery program, as a rescuer did I think that what I knew would change another person to want to be healthy life and choice today.
Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual growth not talking about it, if we are working our recovery we should be on a progressive rise in our healthy spiritual values in life.
In the spiritual recovery program I would become aware that before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to escape in different ways in how I felt within myself.
Just because we abstain from one addiction or obsession does not mean we will not try to escape in our fear in other ways due to our emotional triggers.
I often use to question if I was stupid or dumb, now I understand that I was very ignorant, that I did not know, being ignorant meant I did not know, I did not know how unhealthy I was, I did not know that my addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was a very unhealthy emotionally person.
Feeling and being inadequate I was lacking so many skills in my life, in time I would be able to identify things about myself which would reduce the self doubt and low self worth I had within myself.
The funny thing the wiser we get the more we understand how truly ignorant I am even today, that with wisdom and healthy experiences comes more questions than answers.
How inept do I feel within myself today, are there things I am unable to do, yes for sure yet fear is not inhibiting me today, only be doing new things and taking on new challenges we grow from with in outwards.
In effect we come out of protective shell built on a life time of fears and we become teh healthy people we should have been all along.
The powerful question I was once asked, can we become as fearless as we were born and at what percentage would I put on it today.
If we truly heal all pains both conscious and unconscious I feel we can be about 95% fearless once more, that being a spiritual person is living without fear holding us back in any way today in what we do or what we say today that is healthy for us and everyone around us.
The word spiritual on arrival in to the spiritual recovery I assumed it was religious, every religion has spiritual guidance, the ten commandments is all spiritual guidance, yet what characteristics demonstrate spiritual values.
Spiritual values which are character building such as unconditional loving forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic confidence punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
Spiritual values stand alone from all religion and politics. Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
I did not have a clue how the spiritual recovery program worked, I questioned everyone and everything because
I spoke to our Thursday meeting and need to decide which day I will celebrate 22 years free of gambling.
I will adjust myself to what suits the people and meetings I attend.
I guess I will be buying another birth day cake to say thank for all teh people who helped me in so many ways.
Am I a talker or walker today, am I a hypocrite in any way today.
I so much wanted to be on the recovery day in Calgary September 7th 2014.
Yet I was already committed to a 50th Year recovery celebration in the UK.
I understand for me that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I could not emotionally with certain emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face or deal with, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and other people, my emotional triggers were due to my feelings of loneliness and boredom.
In my spiritual recovery and I am not a religious person I would start to understand that I could not help myself, yet once in the spiritual recovery program I could learn to be healthy once more.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of pain am I living in today, am I able to heal the pains of my past or just bury them once more.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of fear do I live in today, that living in fear made me unlovable.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of frustrations do I have within myself today, did I learn that having frustrations I was causing myself far too much pain.
The spiritual recovery program gives me the choice to live a healthy life.
To no longer be a victim, to no longer be the perpetrator, to no longer be the rescuer.
I like many people questioned everything about spiritual recovery first of all because of my lack of faith fear and trust issues, now I would not have invested over 44 years in to the recovery program if it did not work for me, sorry I had not worked the recovery program sooner, that was my loss.
My questioning the recovery program today is not out of doubt or mistrust but because I want to fully understand every aspect of the spiritual recovery program and how it works for me today.
I am often asked surely if you have not gambled for such a long time do you need to go to meetings, well today abstaining is not enough for me, because of my relationships with people in the rooms it is like having a very healthy second family you can talk to about any subject.
It is rare to hear people talk war stories or talk about money, the therapies I hear have helped me see myself in other people, even a new member has something to offer me, and often a new member has more strength than me that day.
The big question why do I need to escape to gambling or any other addiction or obsession, well for me the addiction or obsession was just a symptom that I could not cope emotionally with life and people and my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings or boredom.
My hurt inner child had learned to live in fear to protect himself from a very early age, over time as I peeled back the onion that hurt child would come out and as I exposed more of myself I would be free to cry and to even laugh.
Being on the unhealthy emotional rollercoaster one can confuse the adrenaline rush which was fear based as fun excitement and happiness, over time I would learn that I was not in love with gambling but it was an obsession.
Then of course if you think you know what love is by saying you love gambling and material things did I truly know or understand what healthy love was all about.
Today I understand that fear made me unlovable, yet over time I would also understand that I feared emotional intimacy, how could that be, well first of all as we talk out and expose more and more of our self we start to feel more comfortable in the meetings.
Eventually that honesty in the spiritual rooms becomes a way with our family and with even strangers in your everyday life.
The point of talking about setting up boundaries enabled me to value myself, just for today I will not gamble is a boundary saying we value our self today.
Yet with a boundary with unhealthy people at that point we stop being the victim of other people unhealthy words or actions, we in no way control or regulate other people yet we do say that if you do or say something that is threatening or offensive you will walk away from those unhealthy people.
With regards guilt tripping us that is a way that people bully and control other people, it is an indicator those people are unable to heal their pains and are stuck in the past and cannot move on.
I do not approve of wording that unhealthy people have negative attitudes, sadly they are unable to heal from the pains of their past and just keep dumping their pains fears and frustrations on to people around them through aggression and confrontation. Such actions are forms of bullying.
I am preparing for another testing journey in my life which is going to take some time, I am doing it willingly, decisions need to be made and I feel I am up to it.
I use to wish my life away for so long, now I wake up with such stimulation that I am willing to put great effort in to anything I do.
I was asked a question recently what will I do once yard work is completed, I am likely to turn to my life story or do work on patent in mind.
I often hear how busy people become once they take recovery program very seriously, some even question how they found the time to gamble now their life is so full.
I use to think that money was the most costly thing I lost during my unhealthy days, sadly I now understand that every time I betrayed my family and abandoned them either emotionally or physically I heading towards losing my family completely.
Now today the most costly bet would have lost the love of my family, it has taken a long time for them to trust me and not fear me anymore, I use to be that Jackal and Hyde personality, never knowing what state of mind I would be from minute to minute.
The spiritual recovery program asked for us to change and grow I think that the spiritual recovery program should change with its membership so that people do not get confused in any way what recovery and healing is all about.
Every person in the spiritual rooms of recovery is an equal to me, we are in effect all at different levels of being healthy, a persons ability to be honest is exceptional, a persons ability to be fearless once more is very powerful.
When a person exposes the most painful rawest parts of their life I thank those people for their strength and honesty, as we grow we have one thing in common a trust and honesty that us all leads in to healthy relationships.
Sadly there will be people who will take advantage of vulnerable people which is very unsettling, hence often it is recommended that people sponsor people of the same s*x.
When I am asked by ladies to sponsor them there are certain rules which are there for both people concerned, a sponsorship should be anonymous, if lady is married or with some one that person needs to know of it.
The most important though is that once things are talked out that the person asks advice from more than once source and once that person acts up advice given they take full responsibility for healthy ctions.
It is very unhealthy for a person to say another person that their success is due to the sponsor, that is not true, for people to get healthy they need to be in the spiritual rooms of recovery.
The spiritual recovery program is only a guide, yes it is true I most certainly do it on my own that was already proven many times, yet my recovery is my responsibility, healing my pains is my responsibility, facing my fears is my responsibility, my loneliness being resolved is my responsibility, asking for a sponsor was my responsibility.
My contentment my inner peace is my responsibility, me not reacting in anger is my responsibility, the serenity prayer already makes it very clear, I cannot change or regulate other people or life, I can find the courage to change my unhealthy reaction to life and unhealthy people.
My wanting to control other people was very much fear based issues, my fear of letting of my finances was again fear based and control based issues.
Some people even think that being successful is all about being wealthy, in time I learned that healthy people are people are successful in what they do, the reward for being successful is money.
How many people in life think that money will give them happiness and will repair relationships that were severely damaged a long time ago.
Money and gambling were my main focus for a very long time, it took me over 23 years to understand step one, three simple things surrender acceptance and life being unmanageable due to my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not or would not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my feelings of loneliness due to abandonment issues from my child hood and my feelings or boredom due to the fact I was not very productive in times outside of my work.
Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, my anger could also be an unhealthy reaction to my fears I could not face, my anger could also be an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
My frustrations were also due to my actions being conditional, because I could not give of myself freely and unconditionally.
In time I would work on my needs wants and goals, the goals were only going to happen once I let go of my past and focused on today and my tomorrows.
Before I entered the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice, I am not avoiding taking responsibility, being a victim I was destined to escape one way or another from life and people.
Often people will abstain from an unhealthy habit only to switch to another unhealthy habit, it is important that every one watches out for that other kind of escaping, sponsor will often get people to sit down and write down their commitment and long term goals.
It is how ever important to not talk about long term goals with an unhealthy person, they will often say that it is waste of time and their underline questioning will unsettle peoples recovery.
Unhealthy people will feel very unsettled by our changes and new habits, people will often feel they are being abandoned unlovable and feel left behind.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program weak inadequate insecure yet did not understand at that time I was emotionally traumatized due to emotional pain I could not heal or resolve.
I wanted to blame everyone and everything for how I felt, yet in time I would learn that I am responsible for my feelings.
Did I interact with people or react in an unhealthy way, was I able to be honest, at what point in my recovery would I recognize my fears.
Some people will tell you that pride gets in the way of your recovery, there was not one thing I was proud about in any way on walking in to the recovery program.
In time as I got honest more yeses to the twenty questions, also talked at some depth with people I started to feel comfortable unloading all the unhealthy ways I use to feel.
Only once I acknowledged my fears could I face them, in time I would recognize that all of my fears were due to painful events in my life that were not healed or resolved.
By me being over sensitive and getting angry at the silliest of things was an indicator that there were loads of suppressed pains that were not healed, I use to get angry at the old lady counting out pennies at the supermarket till, I use to get angry at the cinema line.
I am not the angry person I use to be, I am more content with life and people, I do not focus on what I do not have but focus on what I do have.
I am a willing soul to recovery now, no more doubts, no more wondering how it works, over time in talking in some depth I now understand how program works, it is a sequence of changes within each person as they grow healthy committed and more mature.
Reading text is the start of self discovery, yet once we cross that line and talk therapies another door opens to therapies and self discovery.
Do I in any way expect every person that attends meetings will be honest and healthy from day one, do I in any way expect every person that attends meetings will try to avoid transferring their pains fears and frustration on to other people.
Is another person lies does mean that every aspect of recovery is a lie, not at all not everyone is willing or able to be that honest.
A question often asked of me if one person knows that someone lying saying that have not gambled when one person knows it is a lie do we confront that person, which is the healthiest thing to do for the meeting.
If I was able to explain my recovery to myself over 44 years ago would I understand what it was all about, I very much doubt it, in me explaining my growth and becoming healthy will people want or understand what true recovery is all about.
Next year we plan our goal for us both to go to Haiwaii to celebrate 45 years of marriage, in truth it is Shirley my wife that deserves that special treat, she has been a powerful person in my life, Shirley my wife has demonstrated unconditional love, Shirley has been there even when I did not deserve it.
Shirley no longer fears me and tells me the truth about how she feels, Shirley has set up boundaries in her life and I do mean boundaries not walls of fear.
The moment I said to myself just for today I will not gamble was my healthy boundary, just for today I will not smoke was another healthy boundary, then just for today I will not lie was even harder, just for today I will exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit was all about big changes for me.
Sadly the healthy decision is very rarely the easy option, the recovery program with serenity understand that I have the courage to change from reacting to the world and its people in an unhealthy to interacting in a healthy way.
Today was about doing my list, and often when that list is a long one my reaction is often fear based and lack of confidence or if I have a doubt in myself.
Often in the past when I broke out gambling I was afraid to go back to the rooms of recovery, was it the fact I felt I would be criticized or people would be disappointed in me, in time being honest about my last bet got easier.
Each time I gambled was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it, my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings of boredom.
I am a person that no longer lives in fear. I am a person that gives himself approval for doing the best he can do each day.
Once I see and feel a person achieve another goal where they have taken a new healthier path I see myself.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it,
The money was just the fuel which enabled me to escape to my addiction and obsessions which was my way of escaping in fear, from life and people.
Today I do not need to escape or want to escape how I feel within myself.
Guilt shame remorse were ways that I use to live in the feelings of my past unhealthy actions and words.
Being healthy helps me understand that every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences.
Being motivated in a healthy spiritual recovery program helps me understand that every healthy action or healthy word has healthy consequences, it changes how I feel about myself.
I have done some terrible very unhealthy things in my past I use to react in anger most of the time because of the unhealed pains of my past.
The question is do I interact with people and life today or do I react in an unhealthy way today with people and life today.
For me the spiritual program has nothing to do about religion, even though I am a more spiritual person, I learned soon enough by going back to gambling that my recovery is down to me, yet I know now that I could not do it on my own.
If once we embrace the spiritual recovery program and understand that we are all equals then if one person can achieve something healthy and successful in our life then so can every one else.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if i was willing to learn from it.
I make sure that people understand that no matter when you had your last bet we as a fellowship want to see you back in the rooms of recovery, even if you do not have any money we want to see you back in recovery as soon as possible.
If a person does not have any money what so ever for collection that is not what is important come back to meetings, we want and need you there.
I use to be so reluctant before my recovery, I did things resentfully and I cheated myself, I did things conditionally and I cheated myself,
Being ignorant is not being stupid, for me to open up and ask questions was very healthy for my progress.
The spiritual recovery program is a second family to me, it is also a place where there is loads of wisdom and experience and even though people belief systems vary their healthy out come in the essential goal.
Spiritual value which are character building such as unconditional loving forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
Spiritual Values stand alone from all religion and politics and are what our own conscience is based up on.
Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
Each time I went against my own conscience I hurt myself in so many ways, yet why did I lie, why did I try to escape life and people, could it simply be unresolved pain and fear based issues.
It was fear that made me unlovable and my inability to put greater unconditional effort in to my relationships with other people.
Step one was something I needed to ***** and understand fully.
Life being unmanageable
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
My own healthy actions is what my recovery is all about today.
Recovery is all about healthy progress not perfection.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham.
AKA Dave L
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
The old question which came first the chicken or the egg, the same with pain and fears, for me every painful emotional traumatized unresolved or unhealed event left me with fears as an adult which I did not fully understand.
Do you need to face a person place or time who has caused you pain to heal your pains or over come your fears. For me it is possible to heal my pains without physically seeing the perpetrator to heal your pains.
Every action in my life has consequences, every word in my life has consequences, every healthy action and healthy expression of my words has healthy consequences in how I feel within myself.
Every unhealthy action and unhealthy expression of my words has unhealthy consequences in how I feel about and within myself, when I am unhealthy I feel guilty for having said or done something unhealthy those things, yet I can also feel guilty for having not said or done something which was healthy for people around me.
In the spiritual recovery I would learn to exchange those unhealthy habits in to nurturing and encouraging ways to improve the relationship I Have with myself and with other people.
Questioning step two come to believe for me was very much fear based questions first of all, today I do not need to question step two I know it works if I dedicate myself with time attending the spiritual recovery meetings and put that learning in to practice in my everyday life and with my relationships with other people.
Often I heard the wording that people were selfish in their addictions and obsessions and in not having consideration for other people, now I understand that I did not respect myself love myself or care about myself while being consumed by my addictions and obsessions, so how could I possibly have love or respect for other people when I did not even love or respect myself.
Whilst I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was in self destruction mode, I was declining in several ways, once I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits I was able to set up boundaries about starting to value myself.
The unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions were just simple indicators I could not cope with life and people, I found that I could only feel comfortable with other people after I had a few drinks. That was a flag that I would recognize till much later in my life.
The sharing at my last meeting were very powerful and very little was mentioned about money or the addictions, actions and consequences was an eye opener for me.
Every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences, it took me a long time to understand that by sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain was and is today not enough for me. By sitting on my hands doing nothing I was white knuckling recovery and making it hard for myself.
Today was a very productive day, wants and needs were fulfilled, yet my goals were also talked about, Shirley talked about her wants and needs regarding us celebrating 40 years of marriage to each other in less than two weeks time.
Shirley talked about the fact she wanted us to spend time at home together. I am willing to listen to her and agree completely with her wishes and respect her today more than ever before in my life.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program with no faith or hope in myself, I walked in to the spiritual recovery program emotionally traumatized by the pain I caused myself.
Like many people I really thought that gambling was the best love of my life, that my cruel gambling mistress took everything and all it gave me was pain.
Today I understand that gambling had nothing to do about love what so ever, that gambling was a way that I avoided facing myself or facing other people.
Each time I went back to gambling I did not want to go back to GA it was very painful telling the people in the GA room I had let them down, yet I did not let them down I had given up on myself.
No matter how long in GA no matter how long since my last bet or last argument I am equal to the person who had their last bet a few moments ago.
GA wants to see people who are in pain gambling in the GA room, it is not your money that GA want to see, they want you to give GA a chance, for you to give yourself a life without pain without hurting yourself and without hurting other people.
Come to believe is it possible for person to become healthy without having religious based belief, yes for sure, every has their own belief system, every has their own opinion, becoming healthy is what the spiritual recovery program is all about.
There is no way I could become healthy without relating to others peoples painful and unhealthy experiences both during and after entering the spiritual recovery program.
Over the next few days I am going I am going to decide on where and when I have my Canada official GA 22 year birthday, I suppose buying a birthday cake is a very cheap price to pay for people helping me each week to find a healthier path in my life today.
In the UK I found a knife that was used to cut open my right thumb open and it required six stitches to close the wound up, it works fine and at that time I did not have a clue how unsafe the situation was that I placed myself in.
I do not like taking risks today, I do not like tail gating other people today, that was a good indicator that I was frustrated due to my unreasonable expectations of other people.
Tail gating was a very good indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself and other people, and that I was hard on myself, tail gating was a good indicator that I did not respect myself or other people.
In recovery the questions came up, did I fear the law or respect the law, did I fear my parents or did I respect my parents, did I fear the opposite s*x or did I respect the opposite s*x, how could I possible change my fears around.
One of the reasons I feared the opposite s*x was that when I use to talk to the opposite s*x they use to giggle, today I now understand that the opposite s*x by talking too much and giggling was they were feeling nervous and scared.
They were not laughing at me at all, yet I internalized a lot of things about other people in those days.
What people think of me is none of my business today. They can fear hate or love me that is their choice today.
Some of my old friends I have known for over 50 years, that makes me sound old, yet if I was in actions and self destructing myself would I have those friends today, most of my old friends I have told them my story about my addictions obsessions and even about the emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse.
I am a survivor today, today as I talked about my letter from my deceased mother written to me saying if I was reading that letter meant that she was dead and all she asked of me was to think kindly of her, nothing else was asked of me, very touching indeed, I know today she did the very best she could do, that is very powerful.
That is all I ask of myself today, to do the very best I can do each day, to give everything my best effort at being healthy today.
At my last meeting there was a lot of pains demonstrated, yet I would also say that there was a lot of people laughing at them self, for me I understand that people laughing at them self they have forgiven them self. That is very powerful.
Thursday night I attended the meeting which was very healthy for me, topics forgiving love and intimacy, I talked about my tears for my mothers loss. Even though I was suffering from jet lag I felt at home with those people.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.
In my life time people have transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me through their aggression and confrontations due to the fact they had unresolved issues in their life.
Even knowing how painful it felt being the victim I did unto other those things that were done to me, I would justify my unhealthy actions and words.
Living in fear was limiting me from living a healthy life, fear of mixing with people, fear of being honest, fear of trusting other people or their actions or words. Fear of opening up and letting people see the real vulnerable me. Fear of emotional intimacy. Fear of change. Fear of growing up and becoming mature. Fear of living and fear of dying there was no way I could succeed in my life and be healthy.
What was my main focus in life that would make me feel whole and complete as a healthy person.
Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual growth not talking about it, if we are working our recovery we should be on a progressive rise in our healthy spiritual values in life.
In the spiritual recovery program I would become aware that before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to escape in different ways in how I felt within myself.
Just because we abstain from one addiction or obsession does not mean we will not try to escape in our fear in other ways due to our emotional triggers.
I often use to question if I was stupid or dumb, now I understand that I was very ignorant, that I did not know, being ignorant meant I did not know, I did not know how unhealthy I was, I did not know that my addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was a very unhealthy emotionally person.
Feeling and being inadequate I was lacking so many skills in my life, in time I would be able to identify things about myself which would reduce the self doubt and low self worth I had within myself.
The funny thing the wiser we get the more we understand how truly ignorant I am even today, that with wisdom and healthy experiences comes more questions than answers.
How inept do I feel within myself today, are there things I am unable to do, yes for sure yet fear is not inhibiting me today, only be doing new things and taking on new challenges we grow from with in outwards.
In effect we come out of protective shell built on a life time of fears and we become teh healthy people we should have been all along.
The powerful question I was once asked, can we become as fearless as we were born and at what percentage would I put on it today.
If we truly heal all pains both conscious and unconscious I feel we can be about 95% fearless once more, that being a spiritual person is living without fear holding us back in any way today in what we do or what we say today that is healthy for us and everyone around us.
The word spiritual on arrival in to the spiritual recovery I assumed it was religious, every religion has spiritual guidance, the ten commandments is all spiritual guidance, yet what characteristics demonstrate spiritual values.
Spiritual values stand alone from all religion and politics. Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
I did not have a clue how the spiritual recovery program worked, I questioned everyone and everything because
Am I a talker or walker today, am I a hypocrite in any way today.
I understand for me that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I could not emotionally with certain emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face or deal with, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and other people, my emotional triggers were due to my feelings of loneliness and boredom.
In my spiritual recovery and I am not a religious person I would start to understand that I could not help myself, yet once in the spiritual recovery program I could learn to be healthy once more.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of pain am I living in today, am I able to heal the pains of my past or just bury them once more.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of fear do I live in today, that living in fear made me unlovable.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of frustrations do I have within myself today, did I learn that having frustrations I was causing myself far too much pain.
The spiritual recovery program gives me the choice to live a healthy life.
To no longer be a victim, to no longer be the perpetrator, to no longer be the rescuer.
I like many people questioned everything about spiritual recovery first of all because of my lack of faith fear and trust issues, now I would not have invested over 44 years in to the recovery program if it did not work for me, sorry I had not worked the recovery program sooner, that was my loss.
My questioning the recovery program today is not out of doubt or mistrust but because I want to fully understand every aspect of the spiritual recovery program and how it works for me today.
I am often asked surely if you have not gambled for such a long time do you need to go to meetings, well today abstaining is not enough for me, because of my relationships with people in the rooms it is like having a very healthy second family you can talk to about any subject.
It is rare to hear people talk war stories or talk about money, the therapies I hear have helped me see myself in other people, even a new member has something to offer me, and often a new member has more strength than me that day.
The big question why do I need to escape to gambling or any other addiction or obsession, well for me the addiction or obsession was just a symptom that I could not cope emotionally with life and people and my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings or boredom.
My hurt inner child had learned to live in fear to protect himself from a very early age, over time as I peeled back the onion that hurt child would come out and as I exposed more of myself I would be free to cry and to even laugh.
Being on the unhealthy emotional rollercoaster one can confuse the adrenaline rush which was fear based as fun excitement and happiness, over time I would learn that I was not in love with gambling but it was an obsession.
Then of course if you think you know what love is by saying you love gambling and material things did I truly know or understand what healthy love was all about.
Today I understand that fear made me unlovable, yet over time I would also understand that I feared emotional intimacy, how could that be, well first of all as we talk out and expose more and more of our self we start to feel more comfortable in the meetings.
Eventually that honesty in the spiritual rooms becomes a way with our family and with even strangers in your everyday life.
The point of talking about setting up boundaries enabled me to value myself, just for today I will not gamble is a boundary saying we value our self today.
Yet with a boundary with unhealthy people at that point we stop being the victim of other people unhealthy words or actions, we in no way control or regulate other people yet we do say that if you do or say something that is threatening or offensive you will walk away from those unhealthy people.
With regards guilt tripping us that is a way that people bully and control other people, it is an indicator those people are unable to heal their pains and are stuck in the past and cannot move on.
I do not approve of wording that unhealthy people have negative attitudes, sadly they are unable to heal from the pains of their past and just keep dumping their pains fears and frustrations on to people around them through aggression and confrontation. Such actions are forms of bullying.
I am preparing for another testing journey in my life which is going to take some time, I am doing it willingly, decisions need to be made and I feel I am up to it.
I use to wish my life away for so long, now I wake up with such stimulation that I am willing to put great effort in to anything I do.
I was asked a question recently what will I do once yard work is completed, I am likely to turn to my life story or do work on patent in mind.
I often hear how busy people become once they take recovery program very seriously, some even question how they found the time to gamble now their life is so full.
I use to think that money was the most costly thing I lost during my unhealthy days, sadly I now understand that every time I betrayed my family and abandoned them either emotionally or physically I heading towards losing my family completely.
Now today the most costly bet would have lost the love of my family, it has taken a long time for them to trust me and not fear me anymore, I use to be that Jackal and Hyde personality, never knowing what state of mind I would be from minute to minute.
The spiritual recovery program asked for us to change and grow I think that the spiritual recovery program should change with its membership so that people do not get confused in any way what recovery and healing is all about.
Every person in the spiritual rooms of recovery is an equal to me, we are in effect all at different levels of being healthy, a persons ability to be honest is exceptional, a persons ability to be fearless once more is very powerful.
When a person exposes the most painful rawest parts of their life I thank those people for their strength and honesty, as we grow we have one thing in common a trust and honesty that us all leads in to healthy relationships.
Sadly there will be people who will take advantage of vulnerable people which is very unsettling, hence often it is recommended that people sponsor people of the same s*x.
When I am asked by ladies to sponsor them there are certain rules which are there for both people concerned, a sponsorship should be anonymous, if lady is married or with some one that person needs to know of it.
The most important though is that once things are talked out that the person asks advice from more than once source and once that person acts up advice given they take full responsibility for healthy ctions.
It is very unhealthy for a person to say another person that their success is due to the sponsor, that is not true, for people to get healthy they need to be in the spiritual rooms of recovery.
The spiritual recovery program is only a guide, yes it is true I most certainly do it on my own that was already proven many times, yet my recovery is my responsibility, healing my pains is my responsibility, facing my fears is my responsibility, my loneliness being resolved is my responsibility, asking for a sponsor was my responsibility.
My contentment my inner peace is my responsibility, me not reacting in anger is my responsibility, the serenity prayer already makes it very clear, I cannot change or regulate other people or life, I can find the courage to change my unhealthy reaction to life and unhealthy people.
My wanting to control other people was very much fear based issues, my fear of letting of my finances was again fear based and control based issues.
Some people even think that being successful is all about being wealthy, in time I learned that healthy people are people are successful in what they do, the reward for being successful is money.
How many people in life think that money will give them happiness and will repair relationships that were severely damaged a long time ago.
Money and gambling were my main focus for a very long time, it took me over 23 years to understand step one, three simple things surrender acceptance and life being unmanageable due to my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not or would not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my feelings of loneliness due to abandonment issues from my child hood and my feelings or boredom due to the fact I was not very productive in times outside of my work.
Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, my anger could also be an unhealthy reaction to my fears I could not face, my anger could also be an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
My frustrations were also due to my actions being conditional, because I could not give of myself freely and unconditionally.
In time I would work on my needs wants and goals, the goals were only going to happen once I let go of my past and focused on today and my tomorrows.
Before I entered the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice, I am not avoiding taking responsibility, being a victim I was destined to escape one way or another from life and people.
Often people will abstain from an unhealthy habit only to switch to another unhealthy habit, it is important that every one watches out for that other kind of escaping, sponsor will often get people to sit down and write down their commitment and long term goals.
It is how ever important to not talk about long term goals with an unhealthy person, they will often say that it is waste of time and their underline questioning will unsettle peoples recovery.
Unhealthy people will feel very unsettled by our changes and new habits, people will often feel they are being abandoned unlovable and feel left behind.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program weak inadequate insecure yet did not understand at that time I was emotionally traumatized due to emotional pain I could not heal or resolve.
I wanted to blame everyone and everything for how I felt, yet in time I would learn that I am responsible for my feelings.
Did I interact with people or react in an unhealthy way, was I able to be honest, at what point in my recovery would I recognize my fears.
Some people will tell you that pride gets in the way of your recovery, there was not one thing I was proud about in any way on walking in to the recovery program.
In time as I got honest more yeses to the twenty questions, also talked at some depth with people I started to feel comfortable unloading all the unhealthy ways I use to feel.
Only once I acknowledged my fears could I face them, in time I would recognize that all of my fears were due to painful events in my life that were not healed or resolved.
By me being over sensitive and getting angry at the silliest of things was an indicator that there were loads of suppressed pains that were not healed, I use to get angry at the old lady counting out pennies at the supermarket till, I use to get angry at the cinema line.
I am not the angry person I use to be, I am more content with life and people, I do not focus on what I do not have but focus on what I do have.
I am a willing soul to recovery now, no more doubts, no more wondering how it works, over time in talking in some depth I now understand how program works, it is a sequence of changes within each person as they grow healthy committed and more mature.
Reading text is the start of self discovery, yet once we cross that line and talk therapies another door opens to therapies and self discovery.
Do I in any way expect every person that attends meetings will be honest and healthy from day one, do I in any way expect every person that attends meetings will try to avoid transferring their pains fears and frustration on to other people.
Is another person lies does mean that every aspect of recovery is a lie, not at all not everyone is willing or able to be that honest.
A question often asked of me if one person knows that someone lying saying that have not gambled when one person knows it is a lie do we confront that person, which is the healthiest thing to do for the meeting.
If I was able to explain my recovery to myself over 44 years ago would I understand what it was all about, I very much doubt it, in me explaining my growth and becoming healthy will people want or understand what true recovery is all about.
The moment I said to myself just for today I will not gamble was my healthy boundary, just for today I will not smoke was another healthy boundary, then just for today I will not lie was even harder, just for today I will exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit was all about big changes for me.
Each time I gambled was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it, my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings of boredom.
I am a person that gives himself approval for doing the best he can do each day.
Once I see and feel a person achieve another goal where they have taken a new healthier path I see myself.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it,
The money was just the fuel which enabled me to escape to my addiction and obsessions which was my way of escaping in fear, from life and people.
Being motivated in a healthy spiritual recovery program helps me understand that every healthy action or healthy word has healthy consequences, it changes how I feel about myself.
For me the spiritual program has nothing to do about religion, even though I am a more spiritual person, I learned soon enough by going back to gambling that my recovery is down to me, yet I know now that I could not do it on my own.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if i was willing to learn from it.
The spiritual recovery program is a second family to me, it is also a place where there is loads of wisdom and experience and even though people belief systems vary their healthy out come in the essential goal.
Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
Each time I went against my own conscience I hurt myself in so many ways, yet why did I lie, why did I try to escape life and people, could it simply be unresolved pain and fear based issues.
It was fear that made me unlovable and my inability to put greater unconditional effort in to my relationships with other people.
Step one was something I needed to ***** and understand fully.
Life being unmanageable
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
Recovery is all about healthy progress not perfection each and every day.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham.
AKA Dave L
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
I have been to two meetings since back in Calgary, I felt welcome and at home with my second family, how honest am I with this growing family.
What did I learn from my experiences at conference, that some people put their heart in to getting conference to work well, it is never too late to open up your heart and your mind, it is never too late to cry and expose the unhealed pains of your past.
How do we know that we are healed from pains of our past, that when we think about those painful times it no longer hurts yet we feel sadness and empathy for our self and we are no longer the victims of the pains of our past.
When you are so confused emotionally and are unable to cope with life jobs and go in to panic mode easily is a very good indicator that fear is over whelming you, people go in to panic when high levels of fear causes us to lose the ability to listen to good advice and to think things out in a healthy way.
Suspicion and lack of trust is a fear based issue, at what point in my life did fear cause me to panic, at what point in my life did I start becoming a risk taker and an adrenaline J****E.
The bigger the risk the more of a buzz I got from gambling, yet if you asked how I felt I would have told you fine or it could be a lot worse.
As you become more consumed by the addictions and obsessions it gets more difficult to see and feel that what you are doing to yourself and other people is unhealthy.
I was for sure the rat in the wheel running faster and faster getting nowhere yet until I stopped doing it and saw another person doing the same thing I could not see what a waste of time and energy that addiction was.
The spiritual recovery program helps us see our self in other people, that is where we use the wording come to relate or self enlightenment.
I was for sure emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions, I did not value myself, I could not speak up for myself in a healthy way from calm peaceful place in my head.
If you asked what important thing was I putting at risk before my spiritual recovery I would have told you money, now I understand with each bet came lies fears and deceptions that I betrayed my relationships with other people and myself.
Yes lies causes more fears, yet why did I lie, it is escaping responsibility, but for what reason, as a child every time I was honest caused me pain physically an emotionally, so how do we overcome that fear of being honest.
When we walk in to the spiritual recovery program we think because of shame and guilt that talking about our past will be painful, and to some extent that is true as we feel for our self and other people.
Yet we get in to the healthy habit of dealing with the pains and healing the pain so that when we walk out of the spiritual recovery program feeling much better in our self.
Everyone has their opinion as to how we heal our emotional scars.
The spiritual recovery program encourages us to write things down, for some this is a very scary thing to ask to do, who are we being accountable to GA, no to our self, being honest to our self is the most important part of the spiritual recovery program.
Writing down our daily list helps us stay focused on that day and each job we do, on the list should be a balance of wants and needs, it is always best to do the need to do things first of all and then the want to do things to reward our self.
The want to do things should be things that say to our self we are rewarding our self for doing good, and over time healthy actions and healthy words on our part will help us feel proud of our self.
In doing thing in our life is about progress not perfection, sadly most people will have been obsessive about doing things and not willing to give our self approval, so no matter how things turn out even if only 75% perfect we will give our self approval of some sort.
Even if we go back to gamble once more it is important to go back to meetings, not because of money lost, not of guilt or shame but to understand each bet can be a lesson if we understand our feelings before we gambled.
It takes time to learn to live just for today, sadly because I lived in fear for so long I spent so much time and energy worrying about what might happen or what people might think or do.
Juggling these balls of fear in the air is counterproductive and by writing things down will help you stay focused on those things which will make us healthy once more.
One of the most important things as a sponsor is to ask people what is your biggest fear, once we admit that fear we talk about the worst that can happen, we start to understand that worrying about anything does not help the situation in any way or make you feel better within yourself.
At one time I was asked to go and do things that before recovery I use to think were boring, what kind of advice was that, well once you abstain from unhealthy habits it was important to exchange this new found time with healthy habits.
I use to think that ten pin bowling was boring, then one Saturday Shirley my wife asked me how I was feeling, that was not a question of course, she sensed something was not quite right with me and that I was vulnerable.
Well I told Shirley that I was feeling vulnerable and panicky, the very first thing Shirley asked me to do was to put on my coat and get in to our car and drive, where to I asked, it is not important just go for a drive.
We finished going for drives Saturday morning and eventually went ten pin bowling with Mark my son and Shirley every Saturday so that my fear of Saturdays become a thing I look forward to and was excited with.
Christmas was a time I use to feel very vulnerable about, the emotional triggers were fears person pleasing stress anxiety and frustrations, and afterwards the day after Christmas day was awareness that because of the emotional triggers and stress it had passed and I could not even enjoy it.
Like things in my life today I get there early so that I am relaxed and can enjoy life and enjoy special events, people use to think that I was a nut job because I use to turn up at meetings 30 - 40 minutes before meetings.
Do I react in an unhealthy way in anger (reacting to pain I am unable to heal, fears I am unable to face or frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life or people) holding resentments I am not healing my pains, jealousy I am not content with in myself, subconscious fear pains I am unable to recall the pains I still dwell on.
Spiritual values are all about healthy interactions with all people, experts will tell you it is healthy to be angry, for me when I am angry it tells me I am not at peace with myself and by being angry I am stressing myself out.
I am not a loner today, a person told me that the felt that I am self sufficient person which is true, I like to do things for myself, yet loner and self sufficient person are not the same thing.
Now the difference being a self sufficient person and feeling I am an deserving person is not the same thing.
Part of the spiritual recovery program is helping people help them self by helping them get things and not doing things for them.
On using step literature it is important that it is done slowly and with lots of questions being asked, by both persons or all persons sharing, remember it is a two way street.
The wording you have to is not very healthy, it is intimidating and gives a sense of person being obsessive and controlling, it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do not do or do certain things and reasons behind those words.
How many people feel they were bullied in to the spiritual recovery program, how many people feel that first therapies were all directed at them, how many people feel they were bullied in to talking when they were not ready to talk.
The spiritual recovery program asks us to change yet the question arises does the spiritual recovery program change and grow with its new people.
Open forum and questions help us understand how spiritual recovery works for us, some people feel that they just want to listen and I think that is very healthy.
The old question which came first the chicken or the egg, the same with pain and fears, for me every painful emotional traumatized unresolved or unhealed event left me with fears as an adult which I did not fully understand.
Every action in my life has consequences, every word in my life has consequences, every healthy action and healthy expression of my words has healthy consequences in how I feel within myself.
Every unhealthy action and unhealthy expression of my words has unhealthy consequences in how I feel about and within myself, when I am unhealthy I feel guilty for having said or done something unhealthy those things, yet I can also feel guilty for having not said or done something which was healthy for people around me.
In the spiritual recovery I would learn to exchange those unhealthy habits in to nurturing and encouraging ways to improve the relationship I Have with myself and with other people.
Questioning step two come to believe for me was very much fear based questions first of all, today I do not need to question step two I know it works if I dedicate myself with time attending the spiritual recovery meetings and put that learning in to practice in my everyday life and with my relationships with other people.
Whilst I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was in self destruction mode, I was declining in several ways, once I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits I was able to set up boundaries about starting to value myself.
The unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions were just simple indicators I could not cope with life and people, I found that I could only feel comfortable with other people after I had a few drinks. That was a flag that I would recognize till much later in my life.
The sharing at my last meeting were very powerful and very little was mentioned about money or the addictions, actions and consequences was an eye opener for me.
Every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences, it took me a long time to understand that by sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain was and is today not enough for me. By sitting on my hands doing nothing I was white knuckling recovery and making it hard for myself.
Today was a very productive day, wants and needs were fulfilled, yet my goals were also talked about, Shirley talked about her wants and needs regarding us celebrating 40 years of marriage to each other in less than two weeks time.
Shirley talked about the fact she wanted us to spend time at home together. I am willing to listen to her and agree completely with her wishes and respect her today more than ever before in my life.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program with no faith or hope in myself, I walked in to the spiritual recovery program emotionally traumatized by the pain I caused myself.
Like many people I really thought that gambling was the best love of my life, that my cruel gambling mistress took everything and all it gave me was pain.
Today I understand that gambling had nothing to do about love what so ever, that gambling was a way that I avoided facing myself or facing other people.
Each time I went back to gambling I did not want to go back to GA it was very painful telling the people in the GA room I had let them down, yet I did not let them down I had given up on myself.
No matter how long in GA no matter how long since my last bet or last argument I am equal to the person who had their last bet a few moments ago.
GA wants to see people who are in pain gambling in the GA room, it is not your money that GA want to see, they want you to give GA a chance, for you to give yourself a life without pain without hurting yourself and without hurting other people.
Come to believe is it possible for person to become healthy without having religious based belief, yes for sure, every has their own belief system, every has their own opinion, becoming healthy is what the spiritual recovery program is all about.
There is no way I could become healthy without relating to others peoples painful and unhealthy experiences both during and after entering the spiritual recovery program.
Over the next few days I am going I am going to decide on where and when I have my Canada official GA 22 year birthday, I suppose buying a birthday cake is a very cheap price to pay for people helping me each week to find a healthier path in my life today.
In the UK I found a knife that was used to cut open my right thumb open and it required six stitches to close the wound up, it works fine and at that time I did not have a clue how unsafe the situation was that I placed myself in.
I do not like taking risks today, I do not like tail gating other people today, that was a good indicator that I was frustrated due to my unreasonable expectations of other people.
Tail gating was a very good indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself and other people, and that I was hard on myself, tail gating was a good indicator that I did not respect myself or other people.
In recovery the questions came up, did I fear the law or respect the law, did I fear my parents or did I respect my parents, did I fear the opposite s*x or did I respect the opposite s*x, how could I possible change my fears around.
One of the reasons I feared the opposite s*x was that when I use to talk to the opposite s*x they use to giggle, today I now understand that the opposite s*x by talking too much and giggling was they were feeling nervous and scared.
They were not laughing at me at all, yet I internalized a lot of things about other people in those days.
What people think of me is none of my business today. They can fear hate or love me that is their choice today.
Some of my old friends I have known for over 50 years, that makes me sound old, yet if I was in actions and self destructing myself would I have those friends today, most of my old friends I have told them my story about my addictions obsessions and even about the emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse.
I am a survivor today, today as I talked about my letter from my deceased mother written to me saying if I was reading that letter meant that she was dead and all she asked of me was to think kindly of her, nothing else was asked of me, very touching indeed, I know today she did the very best she could do, that is very powerful.
That is all I ask of myself today, to do the very best I can do each day, to give everything my best effort at being healthy today.
At my last meeting there was a lot of pains demonstrated, yet I would also say that there was a lot of people laughing at them self, for me I understand that people laughing at them self they have forgiven them self. That is very powerful.
Thursday night I attended the meeting which was very healthy for me, topics forgiving love and intimacy, I talked about my tears for my mothers loss. Even though I was suffering from jet lag I felt at home with those people.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.
In my life time people have transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me through their aggression and confrontations due to the fact they had unresolved issues in their life.
Even knowing how painful it felt being the victim I did unto other those things that were done to me, I would justify my unhealthy actions and words.
Living in fear was limiting me from living a healthy life, fear of mixing with people, fear of being honest, fear of trusting other people or their actions or words. Fear of opening up and letting people see the real vulnerable me. Fear of emotional intimacy. Fear of change. Fear of growing up and becoming mature. Fear of living and fear of dying there was no way I could succeed in my life and be healthy.
What was my main focus in life that would make me feel whole and complete as a healthy person.
Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual growth not talking about it, if we are working our recovery we should be on a progressive rise in our healthy spiritual values in life.
In the spiritual recovery program I would become aware that before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to escape in different ways in how I felt within myself.
Just because we abstain from one addiction or obsession does not mean we will not try to escape in our fear in other ways due to our emotional triggers.
I often use to question if I was stupid or dumb, now I understand that I was very ignorant, that I did not know, being ignorant meant I did not know, I did not know how unhealthy I was, I did not know that my addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was a very unhealthy emotionally person.
Feeling and being inadequate I was lacking so many skills in my life, in time I would be able to identify things about myself which would reduce the self doubt and low self worth I had within myself.
The funny thing the wiser we get the more we understand how truly ignorant I am even today, that with wisdom and healthy experiences comes more questions than answers.
How inept do I feel within myself today, are there things I am unable to do, yes for sure yet fear is not inhibiting me today, only be doing new things and taking on new challenges we grow from with in outwards.
In effect we come out of protective shell built on a life time of fears and we become teh healthy people we should have been all along.
The powerful question I was once asked, can we become as fearless as we were born and at what percentage would I put on it today.
If we truly heal all pains both conscious and unconscious I feel we can be about 95% fearless once more, that being a spiritual person is living without fear holding us back in any way today in what we do or what we say today that is healthy for us and everyone around us.
The word spiritual on arrival in to the spiritual recovery I assumed it was religious, every religion has spiritual guidance, the ten commandments is all spiritual guidance, yet what characteristics demonstrate spiritual values.
Spiritual values stand alone from all religion and politics. Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
I did not have a clue how the spiritual recovery program worked, I questioned everyone and everything because
Am I a talker or walker today, am I a hypocrite in any way today.
I understand for me that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I could not emotionally with certain emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face or deal with, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and other people, my emotional triggers were due to my feelings of loneliness and boredom.
In my spiritual recovery and I am not a religious person I would start to understand that I could not help myself, yet once in the spiritual recovery program I could learn to be healthy once more.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of pain am I living in today, am I able to heal the pains of my past or just bury them once more.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of fear do I live in today, that living in fear made me unlovable.
To understand and ask myself each day what level of frustrations do I have within myself today, did I learn that having frustrations I was causing myself far too much pain.
The spiritual recovery program gives me the choice to live a healthy life.
To no longer be a victim, to no longer be the perpetrator, to no longer be the rescuer.
My questioning the recovery program today is not out of doubt or mistrust but because I want to fully understand every aspect of the spiritual recovery program and how it works for me today.
I am often asked surely if you have not gambled for such a long time do you need to go to meetings, well today abstaining is not enough for me, because of my relationships with people in the rooms it is like having a very healthy second family you can talk to about any subject.
The big question why do I need to escape to gambling or any other addiction or obsession, well for me the addiction or obsession was just a symptom that I could not cope emotionally with life and people and my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings or boredom.
My hurt inner child had learned to live in fear to protect himself from a very early age, over time as I peeled back the onion that hurt child would come out and as I exposed more of myself I would be free to cry and to even laugh.
Today I understand that fear made me unlovable, yet over time I would also understand that I feared emotional intimacy, how could that be, well first of all as we talk out and expose more and more of our self we start to feel more comfortable in the meetings.
The point of talking about setting up boundaries enabled me to value myself, just for today I will not gamble is a boundary saying we value our self today.
I do not approve of wording that unhealthy people have negative attitudes, sadly they are unable to heal from the pains of their past and just keep dumping their pains fears and frustrations on to people around them through aggression and confrontation. Such actions are forms of bullying.
I use to wish my life away for so long, now I wake up with such stimulation that I am willing to put great effort in to anything I do.
I was asked a question recently what will I do once yard work is completed, I am likely to turn to my life story or do work on patent in mind.
Every person in the spiritual rooms of recovery is an equal to me, we are in effect all at different levels of being healthy, a persons ability to be honest is exceptional, a persons ability to be fearless once more is very powerful.
The most important though is that once things are talked out that the person asks advice from more than once source and once that person acts up advice given they take full responsibility for healthy actions.
It is very unhealthy for a person to say that another person and that their success is due to the sponsor, that is not true, for people to get healthy they need to be in the spiritual rooms of recovery.
The spiritual recovery program is only a guide, yes it is true I most certainly do it on my own that was already proven many times, yet my recovery is my responsibility, healing my pains is my responsibility, facing my fears is my responsibility, my loneliness being resolved is my responsibility, asking for a sponsor was my responsibility.
My contentment my inner peace is my responsibility, me not reacting in anger is my responsibility, the serenity prayer already makes it very clear, I cannot change or regulate other people or life, I can find the courage to change my unhealthy reaction to life and unhealthy people.
My wanting to control other people was very much fear based issues, my fear of letting of my finances was again fear based and control based issues.
Money and gambling were my main focus for a very long time, it took me over 23 years to understand step one, three simple things surrender acceptance and life being unmanageable due to my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not or would not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my feelings of loneliness due to abandonment issues from my child hood and my feelings or boredom due to the fact I was not very productive in times outside of my work.
Before I entered the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice, I am not avoiding taking responsibility, being a victim I was destined to escape one way or another from life and people.
It is how ever important to not talk about long term goals with an unhealthy person, they will often say that it is waste of time and their underline questioning will unsettle peoples recovery.
Unhealthy people around us will for sure feel very unsettled by our changes and new habits, people will often feel they are being abandoned unlovable and feel left behind.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program weak inadequate insecure yet did not understand at that time I was emotionally traumatized due to emotional pain I could not heal or resolve.
I wanted to blame everyone and everything for how I felt, yet in time I would learn that I am responsible for my feelings.
The moment I said to myself just for today I will not gamble was my healthy boundary, just for today I will not smoke was another healthy boundary, then just for today I will not lie was even harder, just for today I will exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit was all about big changes for me.
I am a person that gives himself approval for doing the best he can do each day.
Once I see and feel a person achieve another goal where they have taken a new healthier path I see myself.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it,
The money was just the fuel which enabled me to escape to my addiction and obsessions which was my way of escaping in fear, from life and people.
For me the spiritual program has nothing to do about religion, even though I am a more spiritual person, I learned soon enough by going back to gambling that my recovery is down to me, yet I know now that I could not do it on my own.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if i was willing to learn from it.
Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
Each time I went against my own conscience I hurt myself in so many ways, yet why did I lie, why did I try to escape life and people, could it simply be unresolved pain and fear based issues.
It was fear that made me unlovable and my inability to put greater unconditional effort in to my relationships with other people.
Step one was something I needed to ***** and understand fully.
Life being unmanageable.
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
Recovery is all about healthy progress not perfection each and every day.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham.
AKA Dave L
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
We are still getting over jet lag even after 6 days, I think that UK trip was more telling on me than I thought.
How does the spiritual recovery program work, if you go to a healthy meeting you will be made to feel welcome, you will be given text relating to your certain addiction or addictions, people will be asked to read 20 questions you do not have to answer them.
By reading the 20 questions is not about feeling pain of feeling guilty it is about making us aware of how honest we are with our self today.
Over time the number of yeses will change as we get more honest with our self.
The answers we give to the 20 questions are not for anyone else but for our self.
Over time people will talk about money lost and about being in action, then once you have told your storey over time the stories fade and therapies start to happen, this is when you cross the line and talk from the heart not from the conscious mind.
At this point some therapies can be very jumbled up and confused, this is quite normal and means it demonstrates the confusion within us. People have even commented in a healthy way how erratic it was and I was unable to stay focused on one point or part of my life.
As my therapies happened it was a kind of inner honesty and that little hurt came out and on occasions learned to feel comfortable crying in front of other people.
Exposing yourself through therapies and letting people see and feel the pains you have been through helps you come to another level of honesty and also at this point the beginning of your new found emotional intimacy.
I am very blessed to have rooms full of people that I call my friends, those people often know more about me than some family members would know of me.
Over four decades I have talked about my part as being the victim and living in fear of my past, living in fear of going to school, living in fear of going home, living in fear of being honest, and then living in fear of facing myself.
Do I have empathy for that hurt little child in me today, am I able to cry and heal the pains today, am I able to be myself today, do I live in the past today or am I fully focused on getting things done today.
What are my needs today, what are my wants today, and more importantly what are my goals today.
People have commented that because I am retired today that recovery is easy for me today, they seem to forget that my recovery started back in 1969 in the UK the day I walked in to GA my life was never going to be the same again.
How long to learn and understand step one is very important, 23 years, yes how could it take me so long to get healthy, how could it take me so long to understand my emotional triggers.
To help people cross the line from war stories to therapies come in to play a healthy sponsor, a person who is patient and tolerant, a healthy sponsor should not be a hypocrite, a healthy sponsor should be able to give a therapy from the heart, a healthy sponsor should be able to be honest without being cruel without causing a person pain or offence.
Each time a person breaks out gambling they should contact a healthy sponsor and talk about events up to the time they gambled.
Each time a person breaks out gambling takes more strength to be honest, each time a person breaks out gambling indicates they have given up faith and hope in them self.
At some time in the future I would like to be able to do a work shop of questions and answers, no set format, just people who want to understand, that people would have things they want to issues about every avenue of spiritual growth.
I did one work shop where I end up asking people questions and opinions of the spiritual recovery program, I am not a lecturer and I am not a teacher, I am just a person who wants other people to express their views and opinions about how spiritual growth works for them.
The serenity prayer for me is not a prayer, yet it helps me question and understand those things in life that I can change, people will often think and feel because they are unable to change another persons unhealthy ways they will remain the victim of the past.
In the past I have some terrible things done to me and to remove myself from feeling like a victim I needed to do something for myself, directly or indirectly, and also to speak out, bullies want their victims to remain silent, bullies are ashamed of their unhealthy actions and words.
Bullies are inadequate insecure cowards, they do on to others those things that were done to them, bullies are victims doing on to others those things that were done to them.
Bullies will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people and laugh at the victims they have caused to undermine them so that they can feel good in them self.
Is sarcasm the lowest form of wit, is sarcasm a way of guilt tripping someone, is sarcasm a way of undermining someone, or is sarcasm a healthy banter between two spiritually healthy people, that when spiritually healthy people laugh with other are they laughing at them self.
I know that sarcasm was used in my child hood and that sarcasm can be used to humiliate another person, yet sarcasm can also be healthy, depending on if people bantering have healed from their past.
I am blessed with a gift, I often get a read on people, without talking to them, even without even knowing them, that makes some people feel very uncomfortable when they talk to me.
How does that come about, am I reading myself in them, do people think their walls of fear and their facade will hide the real them.
Accepting the serenity prayer which is not a prayer for me, I often read people and understand it is not my place to bring up subjects until people are ready to ask, you might say that if there is implications that is a way of people asking for help, very fine line indeed.
I am a very open person yet what is strange I am a very private person which sounds like conflict, I enjoy my privacy yet am not concerned what people know about me.
GA implies they do not want people to go public, that a person should not represent GA, the discussions about open speakers talking about their experiences and saying for me which is true.
The question is if any spiritual recovery program is doing the job properly all people should be made aware of their spiritual recovery program even if people are not ready for it.
I think that AA is very mature by advertising its program, the AA spiritual recovery program is changing with its people.
By being public and an open forum we and other people learn sooner all aspects of the spiritual recovery program, which is a good thing, sadly with GA members often the reason for turning up at meetings is done through pressure and because they have run of fuel for their addiction.
50th birthday UK wording was the great escape, how mature was that, it hits home, we admit we escape yet we do not admit to our self our deepest fears.
When meeting with people questions asked levels of fear living in today 0 - 10, levels of pain living in today 0 - 10, levels of frustrations living in today 0 - 10, levels of loneliness living in today 0 - 10, levels of boredom living in today 0 - 10.
These questions asked at different times indicate how we are processing life and people around us.
Also helps me understand how vulnerable we are towards having a bet that day.
Writing down thoughts and feelings down are best done first thing in the morning, that is when the subconscious mind has been most active in processing the day before challenges and also dealing with our past.
There was one place in Calgary that was buried for a long time for me; it was a religious boarding school where pain was used as a discipline on me.
It was buried but released from the deepest subconscious, once I was aware of location and was heading towards it I did not fear it, once I saw the building at that time no longer in use I felt that it was no longer a fear to me.
That boarding school had an adverse effect on me in two ways, the pain used as a discipline on me, yet the other adverse effects on me was I felt abandoned unloved and unwanted as well as not protected.
So coming in to the spiritual recovery program I would learn a skill which was to protect myself and also set up boundaries, but not from anger but from a place of peace.
For me I did not think that as possible, firstly to set boundaries and also to be at peace doing it, did I now in that time deserve to set up boundaries, to no longer take other people cr** from them.
When you are so confused emotionally and are unable to cope with life jobs and go in to panic mode easily is a very good indicator that fear is over whelming you, people go in to panic when high levels of fear causes us to lose the ability to listen to good advice and to think things out in a healthy way.
Suspicion and lack of trust is a fear based issue, at what point in my life did fear cause me to panic, at what point in my life did I start becoming a risk taker and an adrenaline J****E.
I was for sure the rat in the wheel running faster and faster getting nowhere yet until I stopped doing it and saw another person doing the same thing I could not see what a waste of time and energy that addiction was.
The spiritual recovery program helps us see our self in other people, that is where we use the wording come to relate or self enlightenment.
I was for sure emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions, I did not value myself, I could not speak up for myself in a healthy way from calm peaceful place in my head.
If you asked what important thing was I putting at risk before my spiritual recovery I would have told you money, now I understand with each bet came lies fears and deceptions that I betrayed my relationships with other people and myself.
Yes lies causes more fears, yet why did I lie, it is escaping responsibility, but for what reason, as a child every time I was honest caused me pain physically an emotionally, so how do we overcome that fear of being honest.
When we walk in to the spiritual recovery program we think because of shame and guilt that talking about our past will be painful, and to some extent that is true as we feel for our self and other people.
Yet we get in to the healthy habit of dealing with the pains and healing the pain so that when we walk out of the spiritual recovery program feeling much better in our self.
Everyone has their opinion as to how we heal our emotional scars.
The spiritual recovery program encourages us to write things down, for some this is a very scary thing to ask to do, who are we being accountable to GA, no to our self, being honest to our self is the most important part of the spiritual recovery program.
Writing down our daily list helps us stay focused on that day and each job we do, on the list should be a balance of wants and needs, it is always best to do the need to do things first of all and then the want to do things to reward our self.
The want to do things should be things that say to our self we are rewarding our self for doing good, and over time healthy actions and healthy words on our part will help us feel proud of our self.
In doing thing in our life is about progress not perfection, sadly most people will have been obsessive about doing things and not willing to give our self approval, so no matter how things turn out even if only 75% perfect we will give our self approval of some sort.
Even if we go back to gamble once more it is important to go back to meetings, not because of money lost, not of guilt or shame but to understand each bet can be a lesson if we understand our feelings before we gambled.
It takes time to learn to live just for today, sadly because I lived in fear for so long I spent so much time and energy worrying about what might happen or what people might think or do.
Juggling these balls of fear in the air is counterproductive and by writing things down will help you stay focused on those things which will make us healthy once more.
One of the most important things as a sponsor is to ask people what is your biggest fear, once we admit that fear we talk about the worst that can happen, we start to understand that worrying about anything does not help the situation in any way or make you feel better within yourself.
At one time I was asked to go and do things that before recovery I use to think were boring, what kind of advice was that, well once you abstain from unhealthy habits it was important to exchange this new found time with healthy habits.
I use to think that ten pin bowling was boring, then one Saturday Shirley my wife asked me how I was feeling, that was not a question of course, she sensed something was not quite right with me and that I was vulnerable.
Well I told Shirley that I was feeling vulnerable and panicky, the very first thing Shirley asked me to do was to put on my coat and get in to our car and drive, where to I asked, it is not important just go for a drive.
We finished going for drives Saturday morning and eventually went ten pin bowling with Mark my son and Shirley every Saturday so that my fear of Saturdays become a thing I look forward to and was excited with.
Christmas was a time I use to feel very vulnerable about, the emotional triggers were fears person pleasing stress anxiety and frustrations, and afterwards the day after Christmas day was awareness that because of the emotional triggers and stress it had passed and I could not even enjoy it.
Like things in my life today I get there early so that I am relaxed and can enjoy life and enjoy special events, people use to think that I was a nut job because I use to turn up at meetings 30 - 40 minutes before meetings.
Do I react in an unhealthy way in anger (reacting to pain I am unable to heal, fears I am unable to face or frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life or people) holding resentments I am not healing my pains, jealousy I am not content with in myself, subconscious fear pains I am unable to recall the pains I still dwell on.
Spiritual values are all about healthy interactions with all people, experts will tell you it is healthy to be angry, for me when I am angry it tells me I am not at peace with myself and by being angry I am stressing myself out.
I am not a loner today, a person told me that the felt that I am self sufficient person which is true, I like to do things for myself, yet loner and self sufficient person are not the same thing.
Now the difference being a self sufficient person and feeling I am an deserving person is not the same thing.
Part of the spiritual recovery program is helping people help them self by helping them get things and not doing things for them.
On using step literature it is important that it is done slowly and with lots of questions being asked, by both persons or all persons sharing, remember it is a two way street.
The wording you have to is not very healthy, it is intimidating and gives a sense of person being obsessive and controlling, it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do not do or do certain things and reasons behind those words.
How many people feel they were bullied in to the spiritual recovery program, how many people feel that first therapies were all directed at them, how many people feel they were bullied in to talking when they were not ready to talk.
The spiritual recovery program asks us to change yet the question arises does the spiritual recovery program change and grow with its new people.
Open forum and questions help us understand how spiritual recovery works for us, some people feel that they just want to listen and I think that is very healthy.
The old question which came first the chicken or the egg, the same with pain and fears, for me every painful emotional traumatized unresolved or unhealed event left me with fears as an adult which I did not fully understand.
Every action in my life has consequences, every word in my life has consequences, every healthy action and healthy expression of my words has healthy consequences in how I feel within myself.
Every unhealthy action and unhealthy expression of my words has unhealthy consequences in how I feel about and within myself, when I am unhealthy I feel guilty for having said or done something unhealthy those things, yet I can also feel guilty for having not said or done something which was healthy for people around me.
In the spiritual recovery I would learn to exchange those unhealthy habits in to nurturing and encouraging ways to improve the relationship I Have with myself and with other people.
Questioning step two come to believe for me was very much fear based questions first of all, today I do not need to question step two I know it works if I dedicate myself with time attending the spiritual recovery meetings and put that learning in to practice in my everyday life and with my relationships with other people.
Whilst I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was in self destruction mode, I was declining in several ways, once I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits I was able to set up boundaries about starting to value myself.
The unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions were just simple indicators I could not cope with life and people, I found that I could only feel comfortable with other people after I had a few drinks. That was a flag that I would recognize till much later in my life.
The sharing at my last meeting were very powerful and very little was mentioned about money or the addictions, actions and consequences was an eye opener for me.
Every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences, it took me a long time to understand that by sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain was and is today not enough for me. By sitting on my hands doing nothing I was white knuckling recovery and making it hard for myself.
Today was a very productive day, wants and needs were fulfilled, yet my goals were also talked about, Shirley talked about her wants and needs regarding us celebrating 40 years of marriage to each other in less than two weeks time.
Shirley talked about the fact she wanted us to spend time at home together. I am willing to listen to her and agree completely with her wishes and respect her today more than ever before in my life.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program with no faith or hope in myself, I walked in to the spiritual recovery program emotionally traumatized by the pain I caused myself.
Like many people I really thought that gambling was the best love of my life, that my cruel gambling mistress took everything and all it gave me was pain.
Today I understand that gambling had nothing to do about love what so ever, that gambling was a way that I avoided facing myself or facing other people.
Each time I went back to gambling I did not want to go back to GA it was very painful telling the people in the GA room I had let them down, yet I did not let them down I had given up on myself.
No matter how long in GA no matter how long since my last bet or last argument I am equal to the person who had their last bet a few moments ago.
GA wants to see people who are in pain gambling in the GA room, it is not your money that GA want to see, they want you to give GA a chance, for you to give yourself a life without pain without hurting yourself and without hurting other people.
Come to believe is it possible for person to become healthy without having religious based belief, yes for sure, every has their own belief system, every has their own opinion, becoming healthy is what the spiritual recovery program is all about.
There is no way I could become healthy without relating to others peoples painful and unhealthy experiences both during and after entering the spiritual recovery program.
Over the next few days I am going I am going to decide on where and when I have my Canada official GA 22rd year gambling free birthday, I suppose buying a birthday cake is a very cheap price to pay to learn from other people helping me each week to find a healthier path in my life today.
In the UK I found a knife that was used to cut open my right thumb open and it required six stitches to close the wound up, it works fine and at that time I did not have a clue how unsafe the situation was that I placed myself in.
Tail gating was a very good indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself and other people, and that I was being hard on myself, tail gating was a good indicator that I did not respect myself or other people.
In recovery the questions came up, did I fear the law or respect the law, did I fear my parents or did I respect my parents, did I fear the opposite s*x or did I respect the opposite s*x, how could I possible change my fears around.
One of the reasons I feared the opposite s*x was that when I use to talk to the opposite s*x they use to giggle, today I now understand that the opposite s*x by talking too much and giggling was they were feeling insecure nervous and scared.
They were not laughing at me at all, yet I internalized a lot of things about other people in those days.
Some of my old friends I have known for over 50 years, that makes me sound old, yet if I was still in unhealthy actions today and self destructing myself would I have those friends today, most of my old friends I have told them my story about my addictions obsessions and even about the emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse in my life. None of those friends once told rejected me in knowing the truth about my past.
I am a survivor today, today as I talked about my letter from my deceased mother written to me saying if I was reading that letter meant that she was dead and all she asked of me was to think kindly of her, nothing else was asked of me, very touching indeed, I know today she did the very best she could do, that is very powerful.
That is all I ask of myself today, to do the very best I can do each day, to give everything my best effort at being healthy today.
At my last meeting there was a lot of pains demonstrated, yet I would also say that there was a lot of people laughing at them self, for me I understand that people laughing at them self they have forgiven them self. That is very powerful.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.
In my life time people have transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me through their aggression and confrontations due to the fact they had unresolved issues in their life.
Even knowing how painful it felt being the victim I did unto other those things that were done to me, I would justify my unhealthy actions and words.
Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual growth not talking about it, if we are working our recovery we should be on a progressive rise in our healthy spiritual values in life.
In the spiritual recovery program I would become aware that before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to escape in different ways in how I felt within myself.
Just because we abstain from one addiction or obsession does not mean we will not try to escape in our fear in other ways due to our emotional triggers.
Feeling and being inadequate I was lacking so many skills in my life, in time I would be able to identify things about myself which would reduce the self doubt and low self worth I had within myself.
Spiritual values stand alone from all religion and politics. Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
I did not have a clue how the spiritual recovery program worked, I questioned everyone and everything because
Am I a talker or walker today, am I a hypocrite in any way today.
In my spiritual recovery and I am not a religious person I would start to understand that I could not help myself, yet once in the spiritual recovery program I could learn to be healthy once more.
My hurt inner child had learned to live in fear to protect himself from a very early age, over time as I peeled back the onion that hurt child would come out and as I exposed more of myself I would be free to cry and to even laugh.
It is very unhealthy for a person to say that another person and that their success is due to the sponsor,that is not true, for people to get healthy they need to be in the spiritual rooms of recovery.
The spiritual recovery program is only a guide, yes it is true I most certainly could not do it on my own that was already proven many times, yet my recovery is my responsibility, healing my pains is my responsibility, facing my fears is my responsibility, my loneliness being resolved is my responsibility, asking for a sponsor was my responsibility.
Before I entered the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice, I am not avoiding taking responsibility today, being a victim I was destined to escape one way or another from life and people.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program weak inadequate insecure yet did not understand at that time I was emotionally traumatized due to emotional pain I could not heal or resolve.
I wanted to blame everyone and everything for how I felt, yet in time I would learn that I am responsible for my feelings.
For me the spiritual program has nothing to do about religion, even though I am a more spiritual person, I learned soon enough by going back to gambling that my recovery is down to me, yet I know now that I could not do it on my own.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if i was willing to learn from it.
Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
It was fear that made me unlovable and my inability to put greater unconditional effort in to my relationships with other people.
Step one was something I needed to ***** and understand fully.
Life being unmanageable.
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
Recovery is all about healthy progress not perfection each and every day.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham.
AKA Dave L
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
The decision to have my 22nd GA birthday at one location has been decided by myself now and talking to meeting last night it is going to be on 15th October, I have now committed myself to a date which suits our meeting.
The topics of meeting last night were sponsorship, and step 11 for me I am not a religious person yet so my recovery is very much based up on spiritual values.
The ten commandments is spiritual based issues, every religion gives some kind of spiritual guidance and gives us a sense of what our spiritual values are all about.
Sadly unhealthy people will do or say things that adversely affect other people, when I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I would escape in fear and lie about the consequences of my actions.
Today I would like to think that I am spiritually free of feelings towards gambling actions and gambling establishments, I also needed to stop taking easy options in my life and to not avoid being accountable to myself.
How would I feel if a person came to me with a gun and forced me to hand over our home, forced me to hand over our car and take from me every holiday I have earned due to the work of myself and my family.
Would I feel pain fear and frustrated and feel I did not deserve that to happen to me and my family.
Yet over for over 30 years I gave away the price of a house, I gave away the price of a car and I gave away the price of many holidays and yet I did not see or understand how much money and time I wasted.
The last big bet what did it cost me monetary, did I understand what my net hourly rate was, hour many hours did I need to work to replenish that money, before I started paying money so my family and could live.
The same with credit cards if I pay excessive interest on credit cards I am have to work 20 -30 % of my work time fist of all just to pay interest of credit cards before I could reach time worked to cover my living costs.
What fear caused me to escape to an addiction or obsession, how many fears did I have, how could I cope better with those fears.
At what time in my life was I going to become secure and satisfied with who I am today, to become secure and satisfied with what I am today, and to become secure and satisfied with the direction and path I take today in my life.
Sadly unhealthy people will assume by talking about the past is about proportioning blame or trying to guilt trip other people.
Being in the spiritual recovery program is about learning from our past and not living in it.
Resentments guilt and shame is living in the pains of our past, can we change our past, no but we can learn from our past if we are willing to be accountable to our self.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery I did not have a clue what my emotional triggers were, if you asked me how I was feeling I would have told you I was fine or not so bad.
At what point in my life was I unable to heal my pains, was it when I broke up having relationships with other people, was it when I was bullied as a child, was it when I was trying to take my own life, could it have been that I was traumatized due to emotional and physical abandonment as a child.
Could it have been due to humiliation and emotional abuse as a child.
To me it was not important my past but to learn to heal pains so I no longer buried and suppressed my feelings.
Being emotionally traumatized means my emotions and feeling were so mixed up and messed up I could not explain or articulate what I was feeling, or even thinking.
Going in to panic mode became a way of life for me, going in to panic mode was a very good indicator of how many and how much fears had over taken my way of think things out clearly.
Today being honest has no fear associated with it, being honest today is very like confession, yet with my therapies comes the comfort of people knowing and understanding more about me at some depth.
Today I had a person try and intimidate me with her car, she was trying to bully me and I just laughed at her, needless to say she shouted abuse, she sounded her horn and I just smiled at her, she new that to try to bully me was not going to work.
That person had cut up traffic and inconvenienced other people and thought could get away with it.
A one time in Calgary a person tail gated me, when it was safe to do so I pulled over nice and safely, the person gave me an unhealthy gesture, I smiled and blew a kiss at that person, needless to say that did not go down well with him.
Thinking back it was not a healthy thing to do, yet at one time I use to allow bullies to intimidate me time after time, even in the recovery program people use to try it on.
For me Calgary has become a healthy place to live physically and emotionally, Calgary GA has come a long way with the therapies I hear.
Lots of people use the telephone when they feel vulnerable and need some help.
There were many times when people use to transfer their pains fear and frustrations on to other people in the rooms of recovery.
Yet some people do not understand or know how to deal with new people so that feel comfortable and are not forced in to doing things when they are not ready for it, I need to be respectful of how vulnerable feel when first walk in to the recovery program.
Once people feel comfortable they can open up more, yet it takes time to trust once more, it took me decades to talk about my feelings and my painful life time experiences, some were suppressed so deep there was no recall to them.
As a teenager when I tried to take my life I could not even talk to my own parents, those memories were suppressed for most of my life.
At that same time some spiritual people came in to my life that helped me overcome some of my fears, they helped bring out that little child in me for a time an then helped me open up and laugh.
There were certain spiritual in my life for a reason, I am not religious but I do believe in certain things that are not easily explained.
How do we know that certain people are healthy spiritual people, they do ask any thing of us, they accept us for who we are, they do not bully but encourage and nurture us, their friendship and love is unconditional, they give of them self unconditionally.
Healthy spiritual people are non offensive, healthy spiritual people will not try to push you or manipulate you, they will accept you for who you are today.
Sadly those people who are not healthy spiritual people will dump on you and make you feel responsible for how they feel, they will even blame you for their life failings, they will even use guilt to try and control you, unhealthy people
We are still getting over jet lag even after 8 days, I think that UK trip was more telling on me than I thought emotionally and physically.
How does the spiritual recovery program work, if you go to a healthy meeting you will be made to feel welcome, you will be given text relating to your certain addiction or addictions, people will be asked to read 20 questions you do not have to answer them.
By reading the 20 questions is not about feeling pain of feeling guilty it is about making us aware of how honest we are with our self today.
Over time the number of yeses will change as we get more honest with our self.
The answers we give to the 20 questions are not for anyone else but for our self.
Over time people will talk about money lost and about being in action, then once you have told your storey over time the stories fade and therapies start to happen, this is when you cross the line and talk from the heart not from the conscious mind.
At this point some therapies can be very jumbled up and confused, this is quite normal and means it demonstrates the confusion within us. People have even commented in a healthy way how erratic it was and I was unable to stay focused on one point or part of my life.
As my therapies happened it was a kind of inner honesty and that little hurt came out and on occasions learned to feel comfortable crying in front of other people.
Exposing yourself through therapies and letting people see and feel the pains you have been through helps you come to another level of honesty and also at this point the beginning of your new found emotional intimacy.
I am very blessed to have rooms full of people that I call my friends, those people often know more about me than some family members would know of me.
Over four decades I have talked about my part as being the victim and living in fear of my past, living in fear of going to school, living in fear of going home, living in fear of being honest, and then living in fear of facing myself.
Do I have empathy for that hurt little child in me today, am I able to cry and heal the pains today, am I able to be myself today, do I live in the past today or am I fully focused on getting things done today.
What are my needs today, what are my wants today, and more importantly what are my goals today.
People have commented that because I am retired today that recovery is easy for me today, they seem to forget that my recovery started back in 1969 in the UK the day I walked in to GA my life was never going to be the same again.
How long to learn and understand step one is very important, 23 years, yes how could it take me so long to get healthy, how could it take me so long to understand my emotional triggers.
To help people cross the line from war stories to therapies come in to play a healthy sponsor, a person who is patient and tolerant, a healthy sponsor should not be a hypocrite, a healthy sponsor should be able to give a therapy from the heart, a healthy sponsor should be able to be honest without being cruel without causing a person pain or offence.
Each time a person breaks out gambling they should contact a healthy sponsor and talk about events up to the time they gambled.
Each time a person breaks out gambling takes more strength to be honest, each time a person breaks out gambling indicates they have given up faith and hope in them self.
At some time in the future I would like to be able to do a work shop of questions and answers, no set format, just people who want to understand, that people would have things they want to issues about every avenue of spiritual growth.
I did one work shop where I end up asking people questions and opinions of the spiritual recovery program, I am not a lecturer and I am not a teacher, I am just a person who wants other people to express their views and opinions about how spiritual growth works for them.
The serenity prayer for me is not a prayer, yet it helps me question and understand those things in life that I can change, people will often think and feel because they are unable to change another persons unhealthy ways they will remain the victim of the past.
In the past I have some terrible things done to me and to remove myself from feeling like a victim I needed to do something for myself, directly or indirectly, and also to speak out, bullies want their victims to remain silent, bullies are ashamed of their unhealthy actions and words.
Bullies are inadequate insecure cowards, they do on to others those things that were done to them, bullies are victims doing on to others those things that were done to them.
Bullies will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people and laugh at the victims they have caused to undermine them so that they can feel good in them self.
Is sarcasm the lowest form of wit, is sarcasm a way of guilt tripping someone, is sarcasm a way of undermining someone, or is sarcasm a healthy banter between two spiritually healthy people, that when spiritually healthy people laugh with other are they laughing at them self.
I know that sarcasm was used in my child hood and that sarcasm can be used to humiliate another person, yet sarcasm can also be healthy, depending on if people bantering have healed from their past.
I am blessed with a gift, I often get a read on people, without talking to them, even without even knowing them, that makes some people feel very uncomfortable when they talk to me.
How does that come about, am I reading myself in them, do people think their walls of fear and their facade will hide the real them.
Accepting the serenity prayer which is not a prayer for me, I often read people and understand it is not my place to bring up subjects until people are ready to ask, you might say that if there is implications that is a way of people asking for help, very fine line indeed.
I am a very open person yet what is strange I am a very private person which sounds like conflict, I enjoy my privacy yet am not concerned what people know about me.
GA implies they do not want people to go public, that a person should not represent GA, the discussions about open speakers talking about their experiences and saying for me which is true.
The question is if any spiritual recovery program is doing the job properly all people should be made aware of their spiritual recovery program even if people are not ready for it.
I think that AA is very mature by advertising its program, the AA spiritual recovery program is changing with its people.
By being public and an open forum we and other people learn sooner all aspects of the spiritual recovery program, which is a good thing, sadly with GA members often the reason for turning up at meetings is done through pressure and because they have run of fuel for their addiction.
50th birthday UK wording was the great escape, how mature was that, it hits home, we admit we escape yet we do not admit to our self our deepest fears.
When meeting with people questions asked levels of fear we are living in today 0 - 10, what levels of pain are we living in today 0 - 10, what levels of frustrations are we living in today 0 - 10, what levels of loneliness are we living in today 0 - 10, and what levels of boredom are we living in today 0 - 10.
These questions asked at different times indicate how we are processing life and people around us.
Also helps me understand how vulnerable we are towards having a bet that day.
For me writing down thoughts and feelings down are best done first thing in the morning, that is when the subconscious mind has been most active in processing the day before challenges and also dealing with our past.
There was one place in Calgary that was buried for a long time for me; it was a religious boarding school where pain was used as a discipline on me.
It was buried but released from the deepest subconscious, once I was aware of location and was heading towards it I did not fear it, once I saw the building at that time no longer in use I felt that it was no longer a fear to me.
That boarding school had an adverse effect on me in two ways, the pain used as a discipline on me, yet the other adverse effects on me was I felt abandoned unloved and unwanted as well as not protected.
So coming in to the spiritual recovery program I would learn a skill which was to protect myself and also set up boundaries, but not from anger but from a place of peace.
For me I did not think that as possible, firstly to set boundaries and also to be at peace doing it, did I now in that time deserve to set up boundaries, to no longer take other people cr** from them.
When you are so confused emotionally and are unable to cope with life jobs and go in to panic mode easily is a very good indicator that fear is over whelming you, people go in to panic when high levels of fear causes us to lose the ability to listen to good advice and to think things out in a healthy way.
Suspicion and lack of trust is a fear based issue, at what point in my life did fear cause me to panic, at what point in my life did I start becoming a risk taker and an adrenaline J****E.
I was for sure the rat in the wheel running faster and faster getting nowhere yet until I stopped doing it and saw another person doing the same thing I could not see what a waste of time and energy that addiction was.
The spiritual recovery program helps us see our self in other people, that is where we use the wording come to relate or self enlightenment.
I was for sure emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions, I did not value myself, I could not speak up for myself in a healthy way from calm peaceful place in my head.
If you asked what important thing was I putting at risk before my spiritual recovery I would have told you money, now I understand with each bet came lies fears and deceptions that I betrayed my relationships with other people and myself.
Yes lies causes more fears, yet why did I lie, it is escaping responsibility, but for what reason, as a child every time I was honest caused me pain physically an emotionally, so how do we overcome that fear of being honest.
When we walk in to the spiritual recovery program we think because of shame and guilt that talking about our past will be painful, and to some extent that is true as we feel for our self and other people.
Yet we get in to the healthy habit of dealing with the pains and healing the pain so that when we walk out of the spiritual recovery program feeling much better in our self.
Everyone has their opinion as to how we heal our emotional scars.
The spiritual recovery program encourages us to write things down, for some this is a very scary thing to ask to do, who are we being accountable to GA, no to our self, being honest to our self is the most important part of the spiritual recovery program.
Writing down our daily list helps us stay focused on that day and each job we do, on the list should be a balance of wants and needs, it is always best to do the need to do things first of all and then the want to do things to reward our self.
The want to do things should be things that say to our self we are rewarding our self for doing good, and over time healthy actions and healthy words on our part will help us feel proud of our self.
In doing thing in our life is about progress not perfection, sadly most people will have been obsessive about doing things and not willing to give our self approval, so no matter how things turn out even if only 75% perfect we will give our self approval of some sort.
Even if we go back to gamble once more it is important to go back to meetings, not because of money lost, not of guilt or shame but to understand each bet can be a lesson if we understand our feelings before we gambled.
It takes time to learn to live just for today, sadly because I lived in fear for so long I spent so much time and energy worrying about what might happen or what people might think or do.
Juggling these balls of fear in the air is counterproductive and by writing things down will help you stay focused on those things which will make us healthy once more.
One of the most important things as a sponsor is to ask people what is your biggest fear, once we admit that fear we talk about the worst that can happen, we start to understand that worrying about anything does not help the situation in any way or make you feel better within yourself.
At one time I was asked to go and do things that before recovery I use to think were boring, what kind of advice was that, well once you abstain from unhealthy habits it was important to exchange this new found time with healthy habits.
I use to think that ten pin bowling was boring, then one Saturday Shirley my wife asked me how I was feeling, that was not a question of course, she sensed something was not quite right with me and that I was vulnerable.
Well I told Shirley that I was feeling vulnerable and panicky, the very first thing Shirley asked me to do was to put on my coat and get in to our car and drive, where to I asked, it is not important just go for a drive.
We finished going for drives Saturday morning and eventually went ten pin bowling with Mark my son and Shirley every Saturday so that my fear of Saturdays become a thing I look forward to and was excited with.
Christmas was a time I use to feel very vulnerable about, the emotional triggers were fears person pleasing stress anxiety and frustrations, and afterwards the day after Christmas day was awareness that because of the emotional triggers and stress it had passed and I could not even enjoy it.
Like things in my life today I get there early so that I am relaxed and can enjoy life and enjoy special events, people use to think that I was a nut job because I use to turn up at meetings 30 - 40 minutes before meetings.
Do I react in an unhealthy way in anger (reacting to pain I am unable to heal, fears I am unable to face or frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life or people) holding resentments I am not healing my pains, jealousy I am not content with in myself, subconscious fear pains I am unable to recall the pains I still dwell on.
Spiritual values are all about healthy interactions with all people, experts will tell you it is healthy to be angry, for me when I am angry it tells me I am not at peace with myself and by being angry I am stressing myself out.
I am not a loner today, a person told me that the felt that I am self sufficient person which is true, I like to do things for myself, yet loner and self sufficient person are not the same thing.
Now the difference being a self sufficient person and feeling I am an deserving person is not the same thing.
Part of the spiritual recovery program is helping people help them self by helping them get things and not doing things for them.
On using step literature it is important that it is done slowly and with lots of questions being asked, by both persons or all persons sharing, remember it is a two way street.
The wording you have to is not very healthy, it is intimidating and gives a sense of person being obsessive and controlling, it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do not do or do certain things and reasons behind those words.
How many people feel they were bullied in to the spiritual recovery program, how many people feel that first therapies were all directed at them, how many people feel they were bullied in to talking when they were not ready to talk.
The spiritual recovery program asks us to change yet the question arises does the spiritual recovery program change and grow with its new people.
Open forum and questions help us understand how spiritual recovery works for us, some people feel that they just want to listen and I think that is very healthy.
The old question which came first the chicken or the egg, the same with pain and fears, for me every painful emotional traumatized unresolved or unhealed event left me with fears as an adult which I did not fully understand.
Every action in my life has consequences, every word in my life has consequences, every healthy action and healthy expression of my words has healthy consequences in how I feel within myself.
Every unhealthy action and unhealthy expression of my words has unhealthy consequences in how I feel about and within myself, when I am unhealthy I feel guilty for having said or done something unhealthy those things, yet I can also feel guilty for having not said or done something which was healthy for people around me.
In the spiritual recovery I would learn to exchange those unhealthy habits in to nurturing and encouraging ways to improve the relationship I Have with myself and with other people.
Questioning step two come to believe for me was very much fear based questions first of all, today I do not need to question step two I know it works if I dedicate myself with time attending the spiritual recovery meetings and put that learning in to practice in my everyday life and with my relationships with other people.
Whilst I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was in self destruction mode, I was declining in several ways, once I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits I was able to set up boundaries about starting to value myself.
The unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions were just simple indicators I could not cope with life and people, I found that I could only feel comfortable with other people after I had a few drinks. That was a flag that I would recognize till much later in my life.
The sharing at my last meeting were very powerful and very little was mentioned about money or the addictions, actions and consequences was an eye opener for me.
Every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences, it took me a long time to understand that by sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain was and is today not enough for me. By sitting on my hands doing nothing I was white knuckling recovery and making it hard for myself.
Today was a very productive day, wants and needs were fulfilled, yet my goals were also talked about, Shirley talked about her wants and needs regarding us celebrating 40 years of marriage to each other in less than two weeks time.
Shirley talked about the fact she wanted us to spend time at home together. I am willing to listen to her and agree completely with her wishes and respect her today more than ever before in my life.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program with no faith or hope in myself, I walked in to the spiritual recovery program emotionally traumatized by the pain I caused myself.
Like many people I really thought that gambling was the best love of my life, that my cruel gambling mistress took everything and all it gave me was pain.
Today I understand that gambling had nothing to do about love what so ever, that gambling was a way that I avoided facing myself or facing other people.
Each time I went back to gambling I did not want to go back to GA it was very painful telling the people in the GA room I had let them down, yet I did not let them down I had given up on myself.
No matter how long in GA no matter how long since my last bet or last argument I am equal to the person who had their last bet a few moments ago.
GA wants to see people who are in pain gambling in the GA room, it is not your money that GA want to see, they want you to give GA a chance, for you to give yourself a life without pain without hurting yourself and without hurting other people.
Come to believe is it possible for person to become healthy without having religious based belief, yes for sure, every has their own belief system, every has their own opinion, becoming healthy is what the spiritual recovery program is all about.
There is no way I could become healthy without relating to others peoples painful and unhealthy experiences both during and after entering the spiritual recovery program.
Over the next few days I am going I am going to decide on where and when I have my Canada official GA 22rd year gambling free birthday, I suppose buying a birthday cake is a very cheap price to pay to learn from other people helping me each week to find a healthier path in my life today.
In the UK I found a knife that was used to cut open my right thumb open and it required six stitches to close the wound up, it works fine and at that time I did not have a clue how unsafe the situation was that I placed myself in.
Tail gating was a very good indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself and other people, and that I was being hard on myself, tail gating was a good indicator that I did not respect myself or other people.
In recovery the questions came up, did I fear the law or respect the law, did I fear my parents or did I respect my parents, did I fear the opposite s*x or did I respect the opposite s*x, how could I possible change my fears around.
One of the reasons I feared the opposite s*x was that when I use to talk to the opposite s*x they use to giggle, today I now understand that the opposite s*x by talking too much and giggling was they were feeling insecure nervous and scared.
They were not laughing at me at all, yet I internalized a lot of things about other people in those days.
Some of my old friends I have known for over 50 years, that makes me sound old, yet if I was still in unhealthy actions today and self destructing myself would I have those friends today, most of my old friends I have told them my story about my addictions obsessions and even about the emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse in my life. None of those friends once told rejected me in knowing the truth about my past.
I am a survivor today, today as I talked about my letter from my deceased mother written to me saying if I was reading that letter meant that she was dead and all she asked of me was to think kindly of her, nothing else was asked of me, very touching indeed, I know today she did the very best she could do, that is very powerful.
That is all I ask of myself today, to do the very best I can do each day, to give everything my best effort at being healthy today.
At my last meeting there was a lot of pains demonstrated, yet I would also say that there was a lot of people laughing at them self, for me I understand that people laughing at them self they have forgiven them self. That is very powerful.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.
In my life time people have transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me through their aggression and confrontations due to the fact they had unresolved issues in their life.
Even knowing how painful it felt being the victim I did unto other those things that were done to me, I would justify my unhealthy actions and words.
Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual growth not talking about it, if we are working our recovery we should be on a progressive rise in our healthy spiritual values in life.
In the spiritual recovery program I would become aware that before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to escape in different ways in how I felt within myself.
Just because we abstain from one addiction or obsession does not mean we will not try to escape in our fear in other ways due to our emotional triggers.
Feeling and being inadequate I was lacking so many skills in my life, in time I would be able to identify things about myself which would reduce the self doubt and low self worth I had within myself.
Spiritual values stand alone from all religion and politics. Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
I did not have a clue how the spiritual recovery program worked, I questioned everyone and everything because
Am I a talker or walker today, am I a hypocrite in any way today.
Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.
It was fear that made me unlovable and my inability to put greater unconditional effort in to my relationships with other people.
Step one was something I needed to ***** and understand fully.
Life being unmanageable.
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
Recovery is all about healthy progress not perfection each and every day.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham.
AKA Dave L
For me step one at first in my recovery I wanted to blame the gambling establishments for how I felt, my pains my fears my frustrations and how much pain I felt, the simple facts the gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to do. They did not hurt me, I hurt myself.
Sadly, long before I took up my addictions and obsessions I was living in my many pains, my many fears and I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions.
My addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable, when I was feeling my pains my fears and my frustrations, I would escape from facing my feelings and emotions. Before my recovery I got in to the unhealthy habit of burying my pains and hiding from my fears.
For me once in the spiritual recovery program I would both understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and deal with things with out escaping or deviating any more.
Step Two Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.
For me Step Two because I was a non-religious person, I would understand that I wanted to become healthy and whole with in myself, I would understand that spiritual values alone are the basis for healthy relationships with myself and other people. My own conscience is all about spiritual values.
For me the people’s therapies, their experiences and new-found skills would help me take up healthy habits and change unhealthy habits in to healthy habits. In other people’s therapies I would see and feel myself and relate to their experiences both healthy and unhealthy. In other people’s therapies I would see what was possible for me to achieve in the recovery program.
In time you learn to trust the recovery program and the people in it you learn to reduce your fears and learn to trust and have hope in yourself once more.
Step Three Decided to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding.
For me Step Three is about boundary setting, because we start to value our self, once we set boundaries we do it for our self we set boundaries from a place of peace, not from rage, not from anger, boundary setting means we value our self, the most important boundary is just for today I will not gamble.
For me Step Four is not about beating our self-up, step four is about identifying the difference between what is healthy and what is unhealthy, as we get more honest with our self-first of all, and that is the build up to getting honest with other people over time.
For me Step Five again it is not about right wrong good or bad, it is about identifying in our past what was healthy and what is unhealthy, and in some way can we start to overcome the deepest-seated fears of emotional intimacy.
Step Six Were entirely ready to have these defects of character removed.
For me Step Six yes as we get honest, we identify our actions and words and by getting honest can we move from unhealthy habits which adversely affect our self and other people and change those in to healthy habits and understand that unhealthy words and actions will adversely affect other people and our self.
To understand that every action and word in our life has consequences.
Step Seven Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings.
For me Step Seven the impact word is shortcomings, which indicates failings and deficiencies.
Before recovery every unhealthy habit or word would have failings indicators in our self and our relationships.
In identifying what is a failure and for us to learn from it, to learn from our failures and make healthier choices in the future
Due to a very unhealthy dysfunctional family people would blame escape responsibility, a dysfunctional family will want to keep goings on in the family home quiet and secret so that the victims do not speak out.
A dysfunctional family lacks healthy spiritual interactions, a dysfunctional family is not able to be nurturing and encouraging, often it was about bullying manipulation and causing fears in the home and unhealthy secrets.
Step Eight Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
For me step eight this is us being accountable to our self-first of all, is being free to be open about our unhealthy past, to understand that our unhealthy actions habits or words adversely affected other people, causing them pain fears and frustrations.
Step Nine Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
For me Step Nine is about repairing relationships with other people if they can talk to or communicate with us still, it is important once we take responsibility, we in no way justify our unhealthy actions unhealthy habits or unhealthy words.
Just because we are honest and willing to repair relationships does not mean that people will heal or have healed from their pains, that we caused them right away. Do we understand our lies were a betrayal of their trust in us and other people?
Step Ten Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
For me Step Ten at the end of each day am I doing inventory of myself, was there any thing that I did or said that adversely affected another person, can I learn from that experience in any way.
Step Eleven Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
For me Step Eleven in the spiritual recovery program as we face our fears, increase our trust in others and in our self, by this time we have not only recognized our pains but healed them, by this time we have faced each fear as we identify each one, and of course understood our frustrations and by reducing our unreasonable expectations of people life and situations and have stopped causing our self-pains time and time again.
Step Twelve Having made an effort to practice these spiritual principles in all our affairs, we tried to carry this message to other compulsive gamblers.
For me Step Twelve with each new found healthier skill, we are no longer the victim, we are no longer the perpetrator, we have had demonstrated to us how to be patient tolerant with our self and other people.
The new found spiritual strength values and interactions we are no longer a threat to our self or other people, our fearlessness becomes other people fearlessness, our trust becomes other people trust, we no longer have fear of emotional intimacy.
In the recovery program it was very important for me to become a very selfish person, to take the healing process very seriously, the spiritual recovery program is about healing our hurt inner child.
Any person religious or not can get healthy and heal their inner child is they seriously put in the work and their time and in some cases have therapies and counselling.
The money was only the fuel for my addictions, you can take away my money yet the hurt inner child was still living in my deep seated pains, in my fears and wanting to escape in other ways may be in obsessions of any type.
To understand that our fears and emotional vulnerability cannot be resolved with money alone.
To admit to our self in our honesty and humbly show our vulnerability is a sign of our growing strength.
Hi
I was a rat in the wheel running faster and faster getting no where in my addictions and my obsessions.
My addiction and obsessions were a way of me escaping people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
It was important for me to find a room where people gave deep seated therapies.
Reading the same text over and over again was very frsutrating and not that helpful for me.
When people gave therapies I was able to identify myself in them as they were in the past but more importantly who I could become.
I often heard the expression pride got in the way of my recovery, I did nto even know what pride was, I never felt prouf of myself in my life.
Today I understand that pride is the reward for being being healthy, that my actions are healthy, that my words are healthy.
Pride is the reward for being a healthy person in every way.
So why did I gamble, for me it was a way of escaping people life and situations I could nto with emoptionally.
Fear would cause me to say or do any thing to escape being accountable, fear casued me to go in to panic mode where I could nto think clearly.
Step one says about life being unmanagable, my unhealthy reaction was that my life was unmanagable because of my gambling and lack of funds.
Now I understand that step one indciated that my life unmanagable long before my addictions and obsessions.
In my life I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect and abndonment.
So before seven years of age I was emotionally traumatized.
Then things got even worse for me.
So sadly because I could not cope emotionally I got in to the unhealthy habit of living in more and more fear.
I also got in to the habit of burying and suppressing my memories, they were so supppressed I would deny they even happened.
In two prisons I was in I use to cry myself to sleep.
In prison I did not feel responsible for my actions.
So when I walked in to the recovery I did not feel responsible for my actions.
The twenty questions I felt were a form of interigation, even answering to myself.
The twenty questions questions remined the same yet my yeses got mroe and more.
I was being more honest with myself and more accounatble to myself.
I am often asked if you have not gambled for so long why still go to the meetings.
I atttend meeting not in fear of gambling, I go to meetings to get more healthly than I was yesterday.
No matter when my last bet going to meeting was my number one priority.
If I have no money keep going to meeting.
Is it important to why I gambled yes of course it is, to understand each of my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers are pains I am not able to heal, fears I am not able to face, frustrations I am not able to reduce my expectations , loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, boredom due to the fact I was nto very productive in my life.
By the way my anger is an unhealthy reaction to pains I am not able to heal, fears I am not able to face, frustrations I am not able to reduce my expectations, my expectations also indiciated that I had not fully acepted the serenity prayer.
The gambling addiction and obsessions were a form of self abuse and escape in my fears, I and my family would go with out so I could feed my addiction.
I was not a selfish person, I was a selfish destructive person.
I am a spirtual person yet I am not religious person.
Our conscience is spirtual based, the reason I went against my own cosncience was deu to high elvels of fears I could not or would not face.
Only once I abstained from all unhealthy habits could the healthy healing start.
I was in time going to heal that hurt inner child, that inner child was going to be able to come out and play.
Which ad teh most serious impact on me, was it the emotional abuse, the physical abuse, the sexual abuse, the neglect or the abndonment, I think that they all stunted my phsyical and emtional growth in different ways.
So what do children do when there is so much abuse in their lives, they learn to live in many fears.
As the fears grow we with draw in our self, we build walls of fear to protect that hurt inner child, as the walls of fear get higher we stop that hurt inner child getting hurt once more, then sadly we stop our self from getting our and having healthy realtionships.
The walls of fear often refered to as masks, facade, control, or even pride, no matter the name is unhealthy.
Once the fears get to high we go int to panic mode where we are nto able to think clearly or work on logic we just react in very unhealthy ways.
So what do we expect on walking in to the recovery program, are the meetings going to stop me gambling, no that would be my choice, are the meetings going to make em healthy, that would be my choice, are the meetings going to stop me hiding in my fears, that would be my choice.
So as we open up and get more honest in the meetings our fear reduces, people will talk about money or gambling, yet that is not what recovery is about, once we move on from talking about money or gambling we talk about our emotional vulnerability, our emotional were in the apst adn more importantly our emotional triggers that day.
I moved on from talking about what is good bad right or wron g, more importantly talk about what is healthy or unhealthy.
Step one my life was emotionally unmanageable long before the addictions and obsessions, the addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.
In taking inventory of myself in every way possible I was aware that I was a survivor, I was aware that I had become a victim, I was aware that I had become a perpetrator, even knowing how painful being a victim was.
So I reached a point where my fears were drastically reduced, in the rooms of recovery I could or would talk about any thing, then I knew I was ready for counselling.
I have attended 11 counsellors in my time, some were helpful some not so.
Yet me going to counsellors indciated I was ready for any thing to help me get healthy and heal that hurt inner child, it also indciated that I valued myself.
The unhhealthy things which I would say to myself were who cares any way, at that point I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Unhealthy indicators were my porcrastination, porcrastination is it due to lack of confidence, lack of self worth, lack of commitment, lack of self esteem, no matter when I am porcrastinating I am cheating myself.
In the old days I would try and get people to do things for me, that was unhealthy, it si important if aperson has a skill that I ask that person to show me how to do thinsg for myself.
So in time I am able to become more and more self sufficient, in every way possible, to become a more healthy mature person.
The trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learn, so when I left school I had no qualifications what so ever, I just could not absorb information, as the healing started my ability to learn and understand increased.
So how long I have been in my recovery is it important, the date of my last bet is it realy that important, surely how healthy I am today is what is important, do I adversely affect other people today, are my actions and words healthy today.
For me my control issues were very much fear based, if I have not faced my control issues I have not fully accepted the serenity prayer.
By me asking questions I am a weak person, not at all.
By me asking questions am I insecure in myself, no it just means I do not know or understand.
By me admitting that I gambled today is it a sign of weakness or is it a sign of my strength and my accounatbility.
If one goes back to gambling does it really mean you have lost clean time, no it emans you have lost one day only.
If one goes back to gambling can we learn what our emtioan trigger was that day.
A healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging, they will nto bully or try and control another person.
A healthy sponsor will not accept responsibility for another persons progress in their recovery.
A healthy sponsor will demonstrate healthy spirtual values, they will be tolerant and patient with people.
A healthy sponsor will demonstrate healthy honesty.
A healthy sponsor will not feel threatened by another person questions about ehri recovery.
A healthy person will not be feared by other people.
A healthy person will not take responsibility for an unhealthy persons issues.
Do I demonstrate healthy spirtual values today, does my family fear me in any way what so ever today.
How much do I value myself today.
How selfish am I today about my recovery.
What is my biggest fear today.
Am I willing to face my biggest fear today.
Is my inner child healed today.
What is my emotional age today, what is my physical age today.
Do I in any way fear peoples questions today.
I use to say that I loved gambling, was that true, did I know what love was.
Do I respect myself today.Do I respect other people today.
Am I pateint and tolerant today.
How productive am I today.
Has my list been written today what are my needs, what are my wants, what are my goals today.
regards Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L
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