I'm gonna beat this!

Hi Pinky,

"Day One.

Today I've wallowed in self pity, anxieties and depression."

I would hate to try and count the number of times that I have been in this position. As you say, removing access to the gambling tools that we use is a good first step. Not understanding the addiction is certainly a starting point for most of us, but the more we understand the scarier it is to see quite how we as individuals are manipulated by the gambling companies.

Well done for taking the first step, hope you have many more successful steps on this journey.

Ryan

do you know what i have been on this site for about 2-3 months now and i still dont understand why i was stupid enough to gamble even when i didnt want to , yes there are reasons that push us towards gambling lonliness boredom isolation crisis ect. ect... but i still dont get and dont understand why i could not stop myself from gambling it was like the handbrake was off and i was rolling down the hill and there was nothing going to make me stop even though i wanted to stop , and to be honest i dont think i will ever understand why i carried on gambling when it became completley obvious to me that it was a stupid thing to do. but to be honest with you i dont think it matters why i gambled as long as i dont gamble again , things are now better personally but even if they were not i still think i would now have the hand brake on, to stop myself rolling down that hill , i may not ever understand why i could not ever stop gambling , but i do understand why i need to stop i think i understand stopping is a better future and the only future .

sorry to rammble on your diary , regarding your depression, self pity and anxiety , weve all been there , and look at it this way these feelings are the start of the future the one without gambling and i believe like a consionce P****s us time to time to make sure we do the right thing also ive come to realise these feelings are there for a reason , they are there to make us feel as bad as possible , so in the future we will remember those feelings and not do that act again that brought on those horrible feelings , which in our case was gambling, a bit like a hang over the next morning to remember that hangover in the future to remind us not to drink too much next time , so i say bring on those feelings although horrible at the time they will put us off gambling again in the future when we remember how we felt after we last gambled . but when those feelings go still keep them in your memory as a warning to never go back , be strong pinky something will click when you keep striving for that gamble free life and when it does although there may still be tests ahead you will be able to stay gamble free . thanks simon

Thanks Simon & Ryan.

You're right about needing to remember these feelings. I've done this so many times before, I can't believe I've allowed myself to do it again. Why would I put myself through this hell?! Madness.

Anyway, I'm onto day two. Still feeling awful. Can't get over how stupid I've been. I'm worried about finances at the moment. I'm engaged and we're wanting to save up for a wedding and a place to live. I feel like I'm destroying mine and my partners future by having gambled.

I'm skipping meals and even though I slept nine hours last night, I was struggling to keep my eyes open on the way to work this morning. I'm just so tired and worn out. I'm sick of myself. I'm so low I just want to give up - but having been here before I know it will pass. One day at a time. Baby steps. The first few days after falling off the wagon are always the hardest. I hate this 🙁

Keep going Pinky333 - you are right to think that you will start feeling better about yourself soon. We have all felt self-disgust, but the important thing is to look to the future and be positive. Stress and worry can be very debilitating, so try to look after yourself - good food and fresh air work wonders, and also filling your time with worthwhile things. You have lots to look forward to - you can do it!

Joanna

Thanks for your support xx

Yeah, today I'm up and down. Mostly down. Gutted about making that mistake. I'm worried and scared about the future and money. I can't trust myself now. How can anyone else trust me if I can't trust myself?

I'm in awe of my fiancé - we've only been together a short time (about 5 months) and yet he's right there sticking by me being so supportive. Makes me cry to think how amazing he's being.

I'm totally mentally and emotionally drained today. The emotions are still flicking through being mildly hopeful to gutted,guilty,full of self hate,despair,anxiousness and depressed.

I want to keep coming in to post my feelings here so I can look back at them in the future as a reminder how abysmal gambling makes me feel and the destruction it causes.

This thing has the potential to destroy my relationship, take my home, and make me lose my job (my performance these past two days have been far from exemplary!) - all of which terrifies me quite frankly. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen!

I feel so weak and pathetic at the moment, but look forward to stronger days 🙂

Hi pinky333

Be strong and surround yourself with people who love and care for you. As time goes by you will feel stronger and when you get an urge, think how you felt last time and who you will be upsetting too??

Take care

Day Three

Woke up feeling rubbish. I've been getting ready for work in tears this morning. Going through so much remorse and self loathing. I didn't want to get out of bed. I'd prefer to hide away and wish everything away. Gosh I really hope I feel stronger soon, cos right at this minute I can't cope. Debts are making me feel sick, and I'm so mad at myself for being in this situation. I've been here several times before.

I'm such an idiot ! I don't deserve to feel better about this, I should be depressed and miserable for being so stupid.

🙁

Hi pinky333 thanks for ur post on my diary and well done for starting your recovery 🙂 it must be harder when your a binge gambler to really get on the wagon because when the memory of the last loss fades away it's easy to convince yourself that it wasn't as bad as it was. Well done you for telling your partner as well something. I have never found the balls to do and luckily I have not been found out...yet.

Really try and post every day, especially in the early stages. The more u put in to ur diary the more u will get out and when you see those gamble free days clocking up it will be much harder to undo all ur hard work.

The self loathing will pass...the finances will get sorted. It may take some time (I have at least 2 years to go!) but remember the debt is temporary and as long as you don't gamble it will sort itself out just by u making the monthly payments.

Good luck and lots of love

Shorty xxxx

Cheers Shorty. Your right.

Update on my earlier post.

The depression is coming at me in waves. First thing this morning was bad - but I'm at work now and as I busy myself I'm feeling better and even a little hopeful. I'm looking forward to tonight as I get to see my partner. I'm also ever so slightly nervous because I haven't seen him since before my slip at the weekend :-/

Here's to better brighter days x

Goodluck in your recovery! You can get rid of these debts it will just take time.i am like yourself I keep asking myself why have I done this to myself.never mind you cant change the past but you can change the future. Scottyboy is not betting a single coin today for a better tomorrow. Tiny steps and you will get there.

Scottyboy

Thanks Scotty x

Onto day four.

Yesterday and today I've already begun to notice little thoughts creeping in... Like I went past a ********* bingo hall, and my brain told me it might be nice to go in there (I've never been in such places or a casino, in fact I believe I'm banned from any ********* bingo hall due to banning myself from their online games a few years ago anyways, thankfully) But my point is already temptation is there. All the ads on tele are a reminder, and part of me wants to go play. I really actually think I could deposit a tenner or so and be fine.... But history tells me different.... I'm frankly a little shocked at myself for having such thoughts.

There is no way I'm going to place a bet today. Instead I'm eating lots of cheese and watching trashy tv lol.

Mood wise I've been stable, but a little fed up. I think being low or fed up was always one of my triggers in the past.

Hopefully this diary will help me keep track of things like this so I can be on guard in the future and stay on track.

Angela x

Hi Angela - Congratulations on your Day 4 of sanity. The fact that you overcame temptation is a good sign - it happens to us all - like a nasty little troll sitting on our shoulders and egging us on to have just one little bet.

As you say, it is often boredom, tiredness or stress that makes us succumb, so all the more reason to fill our lives with worthwhile and healthier activites and to whack the troll out of existence. You can do this!

Joanna

Still battling boredom. I'm in a mood tonight for no particular reason. I could really just go gamble purely in spite of myself if nothing else. I'm so so so fed up! My mind is taking me to the 'what's the point in anything' phase. I should just sleep it off. 🙁

Hi pinky333

Keep strong and don't let the demons win! You can beat this and it will get better.

Jaym