I'm gonna beat this!

Thanks Jay.

Onto day five.

I'm feeling a bit better today, although still fed up and a bit moody. I'll need to keep that in check around loved ones 😉

I'm so pleased I didn't place any bets and instead posted on here last night. Shows the diary is already working as I'd hoped, so thank you to everyone for their supportive comments - they mean a lot x

A.

Day Seven.

The constant tv ads have been getting in my nerves over the weekend. Gambling really is everywhere !

Had a nice weekend with my partner and spent some time with my parents today. No real urges to gamble which is good 🙂

Keep it up pinky333. The day's will soon pass and before you know it you will be 3 months without a bet! Keep strong and beat the urges!

Day nine.

Awoke today worrying about finances. The years of debt over my head is really getting my down. Been feeling very low and defeated. I'm trying to appreciate the fact I can at least afford to make payments, and that things could be much worse, but when the depressive anxiety gets a hold, it's really hard to see a future. Emailed citizens advice for debt advice to check out my options, which has to be a good thing. It's just been a down day for me today.

Hope for more positive ones soon x

Hi pinky333

Do not give in, you can and will beat this invisible illness! Stay strong and keep your mind active and yourself busy...

Happy Easter jaym

Apr 16 was day ten not nine.

Today is day twelve.

Sadly I'm still not coping too well. The anxiety depression keeps getting on top of me and I'm spending most of my time in tears. I hate debt. I can't see past it. This is really hard.

I know it's hard but u have to be as positive as u can.

Try looking at it a different way, like ur helping towards a better future for u and your partner, I'm only on day twenty myself, try putting urself into something else ie walking or another hobbie, I found this helps.

I also made a record of every thing I owe and rang the company's up to say I can pay only a certain amout due to gambling and they did help, not only that I felt 50x better. I owe roughly 12 grand so could take a while but I'll get there.

Stay strong and remember life's to short to gamble away.

Andy

Day Fifteen

Had a nice relaxing Easter weekend with my partner. Had a few waves of depression, but they're becoming less frequent and intense so I'm hopeful and very very glad to be beginning to get over that. The anxiety can be crippling.

I'm feeling a lot better about things today - could be better, yes, but it's wonderful just to see that little glimmer of hope 🙂

I don't know if I subconsciously want to punish myself further, or if I somehow think I can win my way out of some debt, but I really fancy some online bingo?!!!?!

I'm thinking my mind is searching for ways to make me feel happier, and it's reverting straight to that evil little pastime. I'm just trying to remember what it feels like to lose, and telling myself that by not going down that path, I'm already a winner, and should feel good about that 🙂

A x

hey Pinky

thanks for your kind post on my diary.

Glad to hear that you had a great w/end with your partner- he sounds like a great support.

sorry to hear that you are feeling down and depressed- I do know what that is like, particularly the thought of years ahead of still paying off debt. I think it was partly that that made me want to gamble again to try and get rid of that debt- duh! stupid!! only made more.

what's gone is gone and what's done is done. We can't get back money spent and we can't change it. We messed up, but that's ok cos everyone messes up. We all make mistakes. We've just got to pick ourselves and 'get busy living' (to quote one of my favourite films!).

I do really believe that there is NO situation so badly broken that it cannot be mended. All we can do is just live the best we can today, this moment, and try not to worry too much about the past or the future.

As someone once said: All will be well, and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

You can do it Pinky

Stux

Thanks Stu. Great words and ones I need to take on board.

Day Sixteen.

Had a nice day at work, I've missed the kids being off over Easter so it was fun to spend today with them:-)

All was well until I had a reply email from the citizens advice debt advice. Basically there isn't really much I can do apart from muddle on. That's brought back all the depressive feelings and anxieties.

I can't bare the thought of putting my life on hold for so long while I pay off debt. It's going to take about five years, and it's destroying me knowing I have to wait that long before I can afford to find a place to live, or begin to save for a wedding or even begin a family. I'm not young enough to wait much longer for all that 🙁

I guess i have to just face it. Gambling has stolen my future, and I may not be able to afford to have kids before it's too late for me.

It leaves me feeling lost and hopeless, struggling to see the point in living.

Sorry to be on such a downer. I'm really struggling to shake off the depression this time 🙁 I feel as though I've ruined everything.

Hi Pinky,

I've been reading not through all but through a few of your posts and I feel sorry for you.

I do know the feeling about debts but it will go away believe me.

First of all this making you thinking you never get your debts out of the way to get a house or get married and having children is part of your addiction what tries to get you back and this nasty devil knows the tricks to make you feeling the only way to get what you want is gambling.

But you know already that it won't happening. There is no winning through compulsive gambling just destruction.

It might take a few more days maybe weeks, before you get to the stage where you realise, yes there are debts, debts I'm willing to pay off and what I do by following a payment plan and it means not that you can't get married or have children. I would even say with having these goals it will make you stronger to tell yourself every day "there is no happiness with or through gambling !"

Stay strong girl you have done so good till now and even you can't believe it right now, there is a promise for a better future with marriage and children and house for you. You just need to believe it.

And you will be surprised how things coming together when you do it the right way.

You have a good reason already to be very proud of yourself, imagine the feeling when you have achieved your goals I think this on it's own is already worth it to stay strong and tell the devil gambling to f**** off.

With a lot respect

Wolfgang

Hi Pinky,

I am new to the forum and clean for 6 days, feeling better. as long as you keep clean the debts will go down. Good luck mate..

Day eighteen

I'm feeling a little better now, a bit more in control. I keep flitting between hopefulness and sadness, and I'm trying hard to stay positive and not dwell on my financial situation. It's not easy. It hits hard out of the blue and I think it'll be a while before I'm more mentally and emotionally stable. All I can do is continue to plod along through life and hope things get better x

Day twenty one

Just checking in here as I'm potentially in my danger zone. I'm feeling blue, and quite bored and I'm alone.... Thems be gambling territories. But I'm not going to do that and make all my recent hard work and pain pointless. Instead I think I might go off and eat some cheese, and maybe have an early night 🙂

I do like cheese 😀

Day twenty two

I think this might be my first actually positive post!

I'm feeling much better about things and very optimistic today.

I had a letter from my credit card company who have just put a reduced payment plan in place for me, which helps. And I spoke with my Mum and she agreed to helping me by putting aside some of my monthly board money into savings so I can begin to save (albeit slowly!) for my wedding and moving out of here. Yeay!

I can finally see a light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm sooo relieved and happy today 😀