I'm gonna beat this!

Pinky,

He hurts as much as you do. Go back there and sit him down again. Honesty is most powerful thing in this world. Open up, show your feelings. Show him this diary, you are asking for help. This addiction will not dissappear overnight, it is lifetime journey. We stumble on a way, it is part of recovery, we can only learn from mistakes. Don't make your life harder, look for a way forward, together you can work it out.you admitted your mistake, you learned from it and the only way forward is to get back on a wagon and start again. We are not perfect, but we try to make things right, even if it not a smooth flowing. .keep trying and don't give up giving up. Tell him how you feel

Ps. You have come a long way, do not think it is back t day one. No, you are well in recovery and don't let this slip to drag you down..it's done and pain is raw for both of you, but you can fix it. I know you will fix it, you are stronger than before.

Well here we go.

Day 1.

I've told my Mum, my best friend and my fianc. I pray he can forgive me.

I've made an appointment with the GP, installed k9 and am going to give my bank card to my mum to look after.

I hoped doing something practical might help me feel a bit better, but it hasn't.

I feel like total s**m and hate myself for hurting those around me with this. It's not fair. They deserve better.

I'm terrified my fianc might leave me. Part of me thinks he should because he deserves better. I don't know what I'd do without him :-((

I need help. I must look into counselling and deal with this better.

This thing keeps putting fiance as fianc. Grrr.

Pinky - if you want to talk to someone then email me at the address on the challenge thread. No obligation, just giving you the option do you know you're not alone.

Chin up soldier

Mr B

Thanks Sandra & MrB. The words of encouragement mean so much, so thank you both x

Pinky

Well done for keep trying that's sometimes all we can do , the key is never give up and I assure you life will get better

It's a hard journey but be proud your making it

Castle2

Thanks.

I can't be proud right now. I keep going from making positive plans and feeling stronger to utter despair and feeling as though I can't cope. I hope I do.

Feeling really low 🙁

I felt better earlier once I'd had a chat with my partner and knew I had support from him and my family. I couldn't be more grateful for those wonderful amazing people.

Now the guilt is back and I'm feeling terrible - and so I should.

I hope I can get a decent sleep tonight - the emotional roller coaster of today has taken it's toll.

I shall check in on the boards tomorrow.

Goodnight x

Pinky

I am sorry to write upon your thread after the horse has bolted so to speak,but like the others have posted the words of wisdom and kindness say,you have put in the ground work towards recovery,don't throw that away.

I did post upon your thread early this morning but it seems the forum suffered some kind of glitch,I am sad about the post that I wrote upon your thread going missing the most because I felt the pain in your words.

I have walked in those shoes,too many times,I went at it for twenty plus years,very nearly losing my family in the process.

My advice tonight the same as I wrote this morning.

Embrace recovery again,if you gift it half the effort you did your gambling the rewards will amaze you.

Gift recovery to those you love to,they deserve to recover from the destruction that gambling,the compulsion to gamble has waged upon their lives to,all be it indirectly.

Taking the responsibility away from yourself regarding access to money will help you to make educated decisions,it will give you some valuable thinking time.

Addiction will not be able to whisper in your ear that things will be different next time around,you will suffocate those words.

The advice gifted to me on my first days recovery still works today

There is a triangle

Time-money-location

Take at least one away at all times and the punt does become impossible.

Taking the possibility of taking further overdrafts away will save you money,to be honest with yourself and others why is something to be very proud of.

That shi##tty feeling you hold today,use that in the coming weeks when your addiction sidles back up and tries to gloss over the carnage it gifts your life.

To arrest the gamble takes courage,an education and a great deal of hard work.

Most of all you have to want it more than you want to lay that next bet.

I hope you continue to use this amazing forum(glitches aside!!)

I hope you take from it the gift it offers for free

The unconditional support of like minded folk who all share the same common goal

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Pinky

Try not to be too hard on yourself you have come too far and done bloody well

I am sure you will learn a big lesson from this take it on board and remember it to fight this addiction

You will come out of this more determined and positive about stopping gambling

Sometimes we have to go through pain to see the truth which is we have to stop it is the only way in the end

If we slip or fall on the path we get up as quick as we can and carry on down the path ok you have slipped on the journey get back up and carry on with the journey with your head held high because you have learnt from that slip

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne x

I know I'm going to struggle these first few days. I've been here a few times 🙁

I'm going through the disappointment, regret and guilt today. Oh the guilt. I've done barely anything but cry for 36 hours.

Feeling quite depressed & I'm absolutely shattered.

Using this diary will help me deal with all that and get it out my system.

Thank you to all who've read and commented & lent their support x

Hi pinky

Keep strong and keep going back on your journey

Keep posting on here with your feelings it really does help

Suzanne x

Day 7.

Well it's been a week since my last bet, and I'm still feeling rather lousy about the slip. Trying to appreciate what I have and look forward to the future. Can't wait for the brighter days once these low moods have lifted.

Had a nice day at work - I'm really enjoying this phase a little boy I look after is going through. He's almost two, and although the constant repetitiveness of 'the shape song' and 'the big number song' are driving me slightly bonkers he's an absolute delight to care for. I'm very proud of him at the moment. Such a bright boy 😀

Day 8

I'm a little wobbly emotionally today. Wanting to be positive but I'm worrying about the future. I cant wait until I'm out of debt, married, have a home and am finally in a place where I'm ready and able to have children. But I'm scared that by the time i get there I'll just be too old.

My job sort of rubs it in a little. Being a nanny I go to various toddler groups and am surrounded by tons of mums and babies every day.

anyway, I'm trying to eat lots of 'mood foods' to hopefully snap out of these low moods.

I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm out of the slight depression.

I could do with a hug today ��