I'm gonna beat this!

Hi Pinky

148 days is great going, push thought the mood, it will soon be sunny again, because you are abstaining and maintaining.

Stay strong and focused

Suzannexx

Day 157

Went to see one of my fav music artists last night, Darius Rucker - had a fabulous time! A bit of care free fun was just what I needed.

I'm going to work with my other half tonight, so I'll get to watch some stand up comedy and hopefully continue the fun x

Feeling bright and cheery, and any urges of gambling I had over the past few weeks are forgotten 🙂

Day 261 - I knew it had been a whle since I last checked in with my little diary type thread, but I didn't realise it had been quite that long! Over three months. I am pleased to say there have been no gambling episodes during my time away from the board. Although the tv advertisments for online bingo and games do begin to get to me at times. My brain likes to remind me of only the fun parts of gambling. The exhilaration of that win, and I do miss playing on a couple of certain sites. I really miss it sometimes. But I am pretty good at reminding myself of all those horrible feelings and situations gambling causes me. My main reason for being able to say no to gambling is knowing how much hurt it would cause my partner. I was a problem gambler for many years on and off before I met him. I'm so grateful to him for standing by me, staying with me, and supporting me. Many people might have walked away from a gambling addict riddled with debts in such a new relationship. I don't think I could ever gamble now, no matter how much I wanted to or had urges to. I couldn't betray the trust of my partner and cause him any hurt. All I have to do is imagine having to tell him and those closest to me about having another gambling binge and it breaks me. It dissolves any want to gamble ever again. For that I am very thankful.

Day 261 cont...Life in general is good. I'm a little worried about work, as know in the next few months I'm going to need to look for another job. That's scary! I'm a nanny and so far in nearly 14 years I've never had to apply for a job. I've been lucky and had people approach me wanting to employ me for several years. Fingers crossed I find another long term family. I'd love to care for multiples. Maybe triplets, or toddler twins and a baby. That'd be fun and keep me busy! 🙂 I'm no closer to saving for a wedding lol, but it's still early days paying off that debt mountain yet. A few more months and one loan is gone, which will help me pay off a credit card quicker. Next year things should be looking brighter financially. I Have been a little worried and down about money lately (the job uncertainty adds to that a bit too) - I've not really given it much thought but I think my anxiety has contributed to my recent gambling cravings. Isn't it funny how the less money you have the more you want to gamble! Right, I'm off back to get some work done. Mind you it's a pretty easy relaxed day today. 2/5 charges are poorly. The other 3 are at school.Time for lunch then perhaps a relaxing movie time 😀

Hey Pinky good to hear from you and 261 days gamble free is very good to read.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Day 274

I seem to only be checking in when I've got poorly charges! Lol. I'm sat at work watching CBeebies with a chicken poxy toddler and an under the weather preteen. This week will be a rough one, stuck indoors under quarrentine with the tot. Staying in all day can drive me a bit bonkers! I'll have to find a deserted park or something 🙂

I'm still feeling good about no gambling. The days are racking up now. It'll be a whole year before I know it. I've never made a whole year gamble free before 😀 I think I might plan a mini treat or celebration to mark the occasion x

Day 296

Hi, just checking in to say hello! Had a few days off work and a nice quiet easter. A few weeks ago I decided to attempt to quit smoking when my current tobacco supply runs out. I've got a couple of days of rollies left. Feeling a tad apprehensive, but I'm sure I can do it.

Tv ads for gambling are still getting on my nerves. There seems to be about three in every ad break! I've no strong feelings to gamble, which is good. I can feel the old thoughts and feelings of depression creeping up ever so slowly. Feeling really fed up, low moods and tired all the time. I'm going to give it some time to pass before considering a chat with my gp. I think I'm just fed up of being skint and the bore of day to day life. For the most part I'm good. I'm in a far better place than I was this time last year, and a million times better than the year before that, that's for sure. Note to self: remember all the positives in your life. There are quite a few 😉

Right, I'm off to enjoy a lazy last day off work and slob in front of the telly for a bit. Peace and Love xxx

Day 303

So proud to see these days racking up. I'm doing better than I've ever done before 😀

Happy happy happy 😉

1 whole year gamble free today!!!! Yippeeeeeee!!!

Celebrating with steaks & champagne with the fella xxxx

Here's to several more years beating this thing 🙂

Whoop whoop Pinky, fantastic achievement one whole year of being gamble free.

Enjoy all the rewards that recovery gifts you.

Suzanne xx

1 year and 48 days later....

Just had a near miss. Not sure how I'm feeling about it. A touch emotional.

I called one of my old online haunts the other night (I'd consumed a bit of wine, but that's no excuse) and asked them to reopen my account. They said sure, there's just a 24 hour cooling off period before it's all active.

The second I got off the phone I was very glad of the cooling off period. I knew full well there was no way temptation would keep a hold on me for the full 24hrs. Next morning, after a little deliberation I emailed to cancel my request.

I just got an email back saying I can call or log into my account to self exclude. Log into my account?! Get me closer to that deposit button!!?! Are they for real?! Any sense of appreciation I had for their cooling off period disappeared. Shame on them.

I did log in. I hovered over the buttons of my past favourite games. It was very tempting. I miss it a lot. It was a rather emotional few minutes.

Happy to say I only clicked on the self exclude buttons.

I should've known this was coming. The TV ads have been helping to plant thoughts of gambling in my head for several weeks now.

That was very close. I'm so relieved I didn't cave, as I have so many times before.

Onwards and upwards!

Although I can't help feeling quite sad x

Thanks. Are there blockers for iPads/phones yet?

Well, drifting away and stopping coming on here at least once a week was a mistake. I seemed to have forgotten I'm a compulsive gambling addict and allowed myself to gamble online last night thinking it'd be fine.

Oops.

I've been through the resentment, remorse, sadness and anger at myself today. I'm a lot calmer now I've sat reading and replying to posts on here. It's made me focus a little more and see that although I and I alone are responsible for my actions the reason why I gambled is because I have an addiction, and that addiction won't ever go away. And it's very important, like any other 'illness' that it's correctly managed and I remain in control.

Knowing this has helped me forgive myself and move on.

It's a shame I had a slip because I was doing so well for a year and a half. I'm still proud of that year and a half - I've never lasted so long 🙂 I know now that I'm very capable of dealing with this.

I'm relieved there are no major financial implications with this blip. They just make the whole situation so much more stressful. And, although I did have a slip, I'm slightly pleased I did choose to stop before it got too out of hand. I feel I have more control in whether I choose to gamble, or more importantly to choose not to. I've taken all the usual preventative steps again, but ultimately I need to be my own safety guard. I must remember I'm an addict and keep control.

I intend to continue to visit this site regularly again and try not to lose my focus!

Love and Light,

Pinky xxx

Pinky such a shame but with a year and a half you know you can do this you dipped a toe in the water and it was too hot some jumped back out. Put the blocks in place. I noticed you asked about blocking software K9 appears to be block of choice.

Good luck and get back to posting

I just wanted to write a little something to remind myself in the future when those little thoughts start creeping in why I don't want gambling in my life.

Gambling is the reason....

Gambling's the reason I was depressed.

Gambling's the reason I lied to those I love,

Gambling's the reason I loathed myself.

Gambling's the reason I was scared to face the truth.

Gambling's the reason I got into debt.

Gambling's the reason I gave up on myself.

Gambling's the reason my life got put on hold.

Gambling's the reason I attempted suicide,

Gambling's the reason I made my Mother cry.

Gambling's the reason I need to stay alert.

Please don't let gambling cause any more hurt.