I'm gonna beat this!

Hi Pinky welcome back.

18 months of not gambling is a great achievement, and am glad to see you come back with so much determination,

Don't let that slip,get to you, you tested it and did not like it,

Sending you positive and even more determined thoughts

Suzanne xx

Thanks oldhamktf & Suzanne.

I appreciate the kind words and support. Trying to simply accept the slip as part of my recovery and see the positives. I was beginning to take things for granted. But this slip has reminded me what I actually have to lose, and I want to be more appreciative. It's made me want to be a better and stronger person. I want to be the best me I can be for all my friends and family. I'm going to put more effort into work and relationships. I'd like to come here regularly and perhaps my past experiences could be helpful to others - turning this horrible addiction and my past poor choices into something more positive in my life.

I've done the greiving and am having bouts of anxiety and depression but I understand these will pass and am trying hard to not allow those feelings to take over and cloud my mind too much. I've had a few good cries - now it's time to face up to my future and stand strong x

Hi, Pinky,

Is the triangle fully broken? If you are tempted again, can you easily gamble? Are there any changes that you need to make, barriers to be put up?

Barriers aren't the only factor but all support helps.

Stay safe,

CW

Hi pinky,

Even though you are not by no means in any definition back to the start with your recovery:), it does not hurt to go back to taking one day, one minute at a time, and having every single barrier in place, and changing again stuff to keep abstaining and maintaining, I know you know this, but please don't think of it as being defeatist (if that makes sense) you are definitely not, you have come back fighting and determined, You have not left your recovery journey,

Suzanne xxx

Thanks. Yes I'm confident my barriers are up. In the beginning my partner and I would mention gambling, I'd say if I had any gambling thoughts and he'd be there to support me. Lately we've not been doing this anymore - maybe because for a time the thoughts abated, we both thought I was doing well. Maybe I'd already decided months ago to let gambling back in so avoided mentioning it. I honestly don't know.

But, I want to ask my partner to sit with me once a week, or even once a month for a heart to heart - doesn't need to be about my addiction, but it will give me a definate opportunity to talk about it should I need. I think that's important for my recovery. He is a big part of my motivation to succeed. 🙂

Day 2.

​Didn't have a good night last night. Hardly slept due to worrying. Cant stomach breakfast yet. I'm on my way to work now. I need to get home and come clean to my prtner. Then I migh be able to put this behind me x

​

Day 3

Slept better, but still feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Last night my partner was visiting our neighbour when I got home from work and asked me to meet him there. That's the last thing I wanted as I'd has nothing more on my mind than 'The conversation' all day.

I somehow appeared normal and friendly, made my excuses and we left for home. Him asking me as normal what we should do for dinner, how much he'd missed me over the weekend, me feeling more nervous just wanting to get back so I could sit him down and break his heart (or so I thought)

I told him of my setback, how awful I felt, how I see although I've made a big mistake the fact it stopped and didn't cause serious damage means I'm doing better. I told him all the blocks I had and how I meant to not let my barriers down in the future by continuing to come here, and talking to him regularly.

He sat and listened patiently and calmly. The only question he had was 'why do you think you did it' - which I explained. I poured my heart out of how sorry I am and guilty I feel.

He told me he loved me, doesn't want me to feel guilty and that he'll always be there for me.

How was I ever nervous about talking to this wonderful amazing man?!

I'm definately going to try my best in the future.

Is there anyone here I could give my number or email address to, who would give me a text or email if they don't spot me here for say more than two weeks please? - I really think my first mistake last time was falling out of the routine of coming here. And I'm worried that in a few months when I'm doing really well and I'm happy, I'll somehow tell myself I don't need to come in.

Thanks!

Hi pinky,

That's good news with your partner, you are definitely back on track now:)))

You are very welcome to have my email address,

Have a good strong day.

Suzanne xxx

I don't mind putting my address up on here, but I'm aware that's not always advisable on forums. What's the best way to swap emails?

Day 6

Just checking in because I promised I would to help maintain my focus.

I've had no urges to gamble, although day to day I rarely ever have since my early gambling days. I seem to allow things to get on top of me, and then if I allow the opportunity for my triggers to occur, ie time alone, low moods and plenty of booze, I'd have a binge session.

I don't see that happening for a very long time if at all. My hopes and determination are for the latter.

But this week it's been funny how one binge allow all the old feelings to stir up. I've found myself imagining what it'd be like to play online slots. Or walk into an arcade (I've always had a soft spot for 5p/10p machines since I was a teenager at the seaside) and part of my mind really wants to, and believes I miss it.

In truth I don't miss it. All I need do is think of the massive negative side. If I placed a bet today, even if it were just 50p I'd feel gutted, and I know it. Those old thought patterns and feelings are confusing. I know I can't and don't want to gamble, but my mind is still trying to half convince me I do and should.

Madness!

Day 8

Had a night in to myself last night. Had times when I was really bored, but didn't fancy gambling.

Watched lots of telly, and gave the V sign to lots of bingo site ads 🙂

Looking forward to a nice afternoon with the fella today x

Day 12

It's Chrismas Eve, it's Christmas Eve! 😀

Getting excited for Xmas. Looking forward to too much food and drink and seeing the family followed by too much booze on Boxing Day at my local snooker hall who by popular demand agreed to open 🙂

Not in the least bit bothered about gambling, which is great. Most of those negative feelings have faded now and and all in all I feel happy and back on track.

Merry Christmas!!!

Day 23

Had a nice Christmas and new year. Pretty quiet and uneventful as I was ill for half of it. Still, got lots of rest during time off work and saw friends & family which was nice.

Looking forward to time away at the end of Jan with the fella and a weekend in London in April with my friend.

Things seem easier with something nice to look forward to x

Day 29

It's been a trying weekend. My partner seems to be finding fault and having a go at me about many trivial things. Eg, folding towels and putting them away (despite being 'told' many times about my 'interfering' with the laundry process - I'm not allowed to do laundry!) should be a good thing lol. And leaving drops of water on the kitchen floor, among other silly little stuff.

It's very tiresome. I feel put down and chastised like a child. It's made me slightly depressed and wanting to gamble as a way of escape.

My partner has ocd. I've been taking the issues personally, which I shouldn't. I could use this as a reason to gamble, but today, I won't.

I'm sure things will be fine. We've both apologised and had a chat about our little spats over the weekend. I can't understand his side and don't see how a few drops of water on the floor is such a big deal if I clean it up after, and he can't understand why I can't see what a big deal it is for him. Pft. I need to try harder. He's put up and understood my compulsive gambling without question. I need to try to be more understanding towards him. He's a good guy.

Hello, Pinky,

Interesting that you're left feeling that he's the good guy and you have to try harder. Sounds familiar, I tend to regard it as manipulation. Certainly not helpful for you, you've got enough on your plate staying gf.

Is he getting all help required to manage his OCD?

Stay safe, best wishes,

CW