I'm gonna beat this!

I think it might be time for a review. He suggested a visit to the GP about it. Good idea if you ask me.

Day 30

It's been a whole month since my last relapse. Feels a heck of a lot longer though!

Having a good day today and looking forward to my Spanish class after work 🙂

Day 38

Just checking in really.

Have next week off work. It's my partners birthday and we're off to spend a few nights in Chillingham Castle. Should be nice to get away from it all x

Day 47 (I think)

Had afew nights away with my partner at Chillingham Castle. A lovely get away. No phone signal. A bit spooky lol. It's meant to be a haunted castle. Had a few weird noises before, but on this visit the most rememberal things were my partner hearing footsteps climbing the stone spiral staircase outside the tower apartment while I was outside (he thought it was me at first, but definately wasn't!)

Another was when I walked down the stone staircase out into the courtyard the stairwell lights were turned off with a click. I was in pitch darkness then. I fumbled around and managed to turn the lights back on, then two seconds later they were turned off again. I decided to wait a minute while I finished my cigarette before turning the light on again then left it a bit before I dared go back up the stairs, because if it were to go off again I would have surely fallen in the dark! It stayed on and I quizzed my partner for over an hour disbelieving it was anyone other than him turning the light off (as we were the only ones staying in the castle that night) eventually I had to believe it wasn't him. I tell ya, if I had known that at the time I would have screamed and shot up those stairs!! Lol. I'm still only 80% sure it wasn't him hehe.

Had a stressful drive home. Flash floods meant the car let off lots of warning lights and alarms so we were driven by the rac from Northumberland back to Nottingham. My partner is a big worrier and his ocd set in. He was hard work the past day. Worried his car might be written off or cost too much to afford, snapping at me for any little thing due to him being so stressed.

Rac fixed everything under the insurance so all was well.

Tonight I played online pool. Won afew, lost some. Bought coins to play more. Spent about £8. This is not a gambling site but seems to pull the same strings.

I lost a coupla games, then had the option to buy 75% more coins for the same cost. Which I did.

I've been chasing losses again. Not for financial gain, but still the same cycle.

I looked into the 'free coins' option. Do you know, all their free coins involved signing up to and depositing into an online casino. I was disgusted. It left me feeling low.

Then there were several tv advertisements on in the background which seemed very appealing. I've been so tempted tonight. Scarily so. I came here to post instead. Gambling is everywhere. Even in innocent forms such as purchasing coins to play non profit games, worrying. Very worrying 🙁

Day 55

Doing well.

It's Friday! Yeay. Looking forward to my weekend. I may treat myself to some crackers and cheese with a glass of port tonight. Gonna have a relaxing evening at home. Fella will be at work, so I'm going to have a nice candle lit bubbley bath, and do my hair and nails. Ahhh. Can't wait.

🙂

Hai Perky..

Enjoy the port with bubbles. Just scanned your diary and think a read coming up.

All the 5's ....... good on you

Day 1 again...

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/and-so-it-begins-again-0

Watched a few documentaries about gambling addiction yesterday. I found the medical science parts fascinating and I feel I have a little more understanding of the illness. I can certainly see how I so easily fell into my slip from the circumstances leading up to it.

That's not an excuse for doing it. There are no excuses, it's my fault and my fault alone. But seeing why helps acceptance which in turn helps with moving on.

I mean hey, a gambling addicts recovery is bound to have slips, but one of those slips will be a last one. I hope that was mine.

I've learned I can't promise to never gamble again, because I just don't know if that's true. I don't want to. All I can do is promise to try my best with my recovery. I promise myself that today.

Hi Pinky,

Well done for getting straight back after the slip and fighting the good fight. The more we understand about our behaviour, the better.
Addictions are destroying and they will not stop taking..only we can break the cycle. Sounds simple and straightforward huh, we both know it's not but we also know that anything is possible.
Succeed today, that's part of the battle won. That's all we need to concentrate on...today, little steps huh.

You can do it! Keep posting and making the right choice, let the gambling fog lift (it will) and start claiming your life back ☺

All the very best in your journey

Sandra

Thanks Sandra x

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Well done on coming back pinky I've not slipped as we call it but it does worry me. I see in you other post you mention trying GA again. It's helped me but I think you need to find a meeting that's suits and as you said it was several years ago so I'm sure it will be different people now no harm in trying. Have you looked into using parental control on your internet or blocking software in either case get your partner to set the password for you.

Take care and as you say maybe this is the last slip

KTF

Cheers ktf.

Looked into GA. there aren't any very local meetings. All are two buses away. One clashes with my Spanish evening class and both finish quite late, so it'd be after 11pm when I got home (I'm usually getting into bed by 9pm being shattered from work). Am I looking for reasons not to go, or are they honestly too much of a hassle to get to? I guess you could say it depends how determined I am to stay in recovery.

If I'm honest, I feel I'm very determined to carry on with recovery, but I doubt I'll go to those meetings, unless I find one nearer to me, or on a weekend where I don't have to worry about getting in enough sleep to deal with my work day. I don't even go on fun nights out in the week, and if I do I make a point of being home by 9pm lol.

I'll definately come into online meetings however, in the chat room. My partner is going to bring the subject up with me regularly too. I'm very positive.

Day 4

Been having some mood swings. Just trying to get through this week one day at a time. Can't wait for this stormy part to pass and move onto calmer waters as it were.

Day 9 now. Things are looking up. The raw devastation has faded now and I'm just getting on with life. Feeling hopeful and positive today, so that's great.

Got quite an easy work day ahead, followed by my Spanish class. All is good 🙂

Day 12

Been feeling rather sorry for myself the last couple of days. I feel like I've had a cold for the last three months! Lol, the joys of working with children. They like to share their bugs and germs! 😀 felt really bad Tuesday night, chills, sweats, aches, not to mention the headache, earache and terrible sore throat I couldn't seem to shift. Barely slept. Tested the water for a sick day yesterday morning, but a couple of families were really bogged down with work and couldn't take time out, so I went in anyway. I felt so miserable by the end of the day I was actually crying at the bus stop on my way home because everything hurt and I just wanted my bed! I'm beginning to think I've had a case of the flu rather than just a cold.

Not great today either. Stocked up on ibuprofen, paracetamol, lemsips lozenges - feel like a walking pharmacy heheheh.

Had my employers blessings to 'take it easy' and stay home with the children and rest on the couch if need be. Which is nice of them, but do they have any idea what making a 2 & 3 year old stay in all day would be like?! They'd be bouncing off the walls by lunch time hahaha! We made it out to our usual toddler group and I've just brought them to a softplay area. At least I can just sit here and watch while they get some simple supervised playtime. I'm shattered, and can't wait to crawl into bed the second I get home! Just glad I don't feel quite as bad as I did yesterday.

One positive thing about flu is you don't feel like gambling! Don't feel up to anything much really 😉 Roll on the weekend for some proper rest please!!!

possibly day 20.

Boiler Has failed its yearly gas safety check, so I'm suck without heating or hot water until the landlord gets it sorted next week. I suppose you could say I'm under a bit of strain. I feel so tonight. I've never had such a strong urge to gamble, it'd be so easy. No one would have to know, blah blah blah. I want to so much I don't like it, I came here instead x