Day 1 AGAIN
What can I say....it happened again n again. Have attempted diaries before...last a few days, weeks, log in sit in the background reading other diaries thinking I'm not that bad etc etc.
If you've read my other threads last time I had told my partner...he meant to help, I did quit for a bit but the checking of the bank stats didn't happen nor the transfer of wages, nor the downgrade to the phone he got me, I eventually continued down my own path of destruction. Not blaming him one second...I obviously have the skill to make everything seem ok (lies I think that's called).
Then my mum knew something was wrong..are u depressed she kept asking. Me...depressed as if?? Then one day I was walking to work...got to a busy road...knew the order of the traffic lights..and that thought appeared again...just step out, go on your family will be better off. STOP....rang mum n confessed...all online ac closed deal made she will watch my finances, go to GA.
Increased hours at work, everything roses pay day came and went...I'm feeling good. I get a text from a online casino 2days before 2nd payday...who are they? Had a quick look and then boom payday hit I had signed up. Like how? They had all my fav slots in one place, ones I had had won decent from....it took me down...course I won £400 but never will withdrew ....you know that story. It gets worse I just kept going and now I haven't paid certain bills, important bills...it's like I want to get caught and then maybe someone can really help me.
It's strange I feel really calm inside where usually I just want to give up on life and feel so depressed. I've taken what little money I have left out of my bank. I'm ready, I'm really ready. this addiction needs to go and the debt.
Day 2 (yesterday)
Had a good day relaxing with the family, didnt gamble, don't want to. Just want to sort my life and debts out, can feel the old me wanting to escape back into life. Love my little family soooo much....feel like I have let them down totally. Been wondering how to fix things. Angry at myself.
Hi Lady H, sorry to hear you're having abit of a tough time at the moment. You have to keep in mind that only you can do this. Have you spoken to your husband about things again? Perhaps try and talk to him and hope he understands how you need his help, support. Perhaps wrote yourself a little challenge for the day. I know we have a challenge everyday, but I've started to add more things to do in my day to make me feel worthwhile, to feel good. Perhaps A little walk (amazing for clearing head) just something small. I know it's not always possible to do these things, so it is just an idea. Wishing you luck. Take Care, Stay strong. C x
Thankyou for your advice Charley. No I haven't spoken to OH....I know I need to...just not sure how to bring it up.
Day 3
Well I bit the bullet and sorted 2 of the 3 major bills out that I needed to pay...payment plans for next 6 months, but grateful for that. Just one more to sort. To think I increased my hours at work so we could be a bit better off....same as before now. Tbh I googled what disposable income do people have left over after all bills paid...varies so much, didn't really help. But from what I can tell I should be ok. Plan to take £20 cash out on a Sunday eve and see if that will last the week, I buy a pouch of baccy a week n maybe some lunch whilst at work but that's it. I don't feel any urge to gable but cannot stop thinking about money, how to reduce debts...constantly on my phone calculator trying to work things out. I think I may delete my banking app sometime over next few months..once I've got my account running smoothly, think that will help. Sorry to ramble but head is all over the shop x
Day 4
Cannot stop thinking about money!! If I hadn't started gambling where would I be? Doesn't help working where I do...I see it allllll daaay long, that big a*s debt is haunting me!! Have set up the majority of bills to be paid by Direct debit on or as near to payday as possible.
On a positive note family life is good, could be better ....would be better if I had never gambled....ever!! I'm clearly angry still...emotional roller coaster right now. I hate what I've become...but know theres a change coming. Fingers crossed, time is a healer and all that jazz x
Oh yeah still gamble free...forgot that bit lol
Evening Lady H, very true statement there 'time is a healer' think that's one of the most difficult things to deal with/come to terms with, the amount of money lost. But we know it's gone now and we aren't going to get that back, so all we can do is look to the future. Set little goals/rewards so you see your achievements etc I'm giving myself a little reward at the end of the month. This month it will be a takeaway, something I've not had in a long time, but doesn't need to cost a fortune and will be a nice treat because we must remember we shouldn't punish ourselves too much. Yes, we've made mistakes, but so has everyone else at some point in their lives, I'm sure. Just sadly, ours took a bit longer to come to terms with, but we will get there. Take Care and well done on day 4. C X
Day 5
Well well well!! No gambling but letter I just recieved would have probably been a trigger! Glad I took all cash out my bank so I couldn't. Lovely overpayment letter from tax credits. We don't get it anymore as we now earn above the threshold between us...however I don't get this overpayment stuff...we have always told them what we've earnt...think they need to do serious overhaul of their systems. Anyway it was a blessing in disguise as was already in a repayment plan with them but missed last months payment to the "G" word...so sorted a new one to include this new amount and spread it over 18 months so payments are a little lower. So that was the last of the important bills to sort.
Anybody know of any budgeting apps?
Closed last bingo/slot acc in my dinner break today...forgot all about that one as never really used it...one of those sites you registered with but then found it was rubbish and never played again ...desperate times when you know you've closed all the ones you considered good. They're all rubbish put you on a high, drag you into a low and then kick u when you're down. Ta la Mr "G" I'm prepared to kick you to the curb for good this time.
I'm currently being stabbed by my bra underwire...treat to myself when I make it to payday...new bra lol!! Might actually pay full price for one instead of being a tramp looking for a bargain in the sale lol!! o*g just realised what I USED to do....bargain hunt for everything but spend a stupid amount on Mr 'G'...saving pennies but not the pounds. t**t ive been.
I'm actually smiling for a change. X
Charley...I'm hoping I can get out of this punishing myself malarkey...but think this could be part of 1st steps to recovery but will reward (makes me feel guilty using that word) myself with tha bra lol. Samson I accept responsibility but it don't half hurt me feel a failure. Hope you guys had a good day x
Hi sorry to hear you had a relapse, it's early days for me but I'm staying positive and I wish you well x
Hey ladyh hope your feeling better today. Well done on your 9 days and many more to come 🙂
Day 6 Thought I'd better check in!! Today's been a good day!! Walked for an hour n a half today....(not by choice, had to work at a diff site 2day) ...well actually it was by choice could have caught the bus...fresh air did me good...starting to feel a little calmer and sleeping better. Non gamble day...:-) xx
Thankyou Stephen and Anon!! Hope your journeys are going well too. Early days eh....we can only but try xxx
Day 7
Well yesterday went smoothly. Work and then home. We all fell asleep together on the sofas last night...instead of me sat in the corner positioning my phone at an angle gambling, but making my partner think I was playing candy crush....sad times they were. Anyway weekend would have been true test of there was money in my account but luckily it's in my drawer upstairs. Here's to a good weekend x
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
