This is the end of my 1st gamble free day! I gave up last week but relapsed, so started again. A bit of background, I am a mother, a wife, a full time worker and an addict. It's taken me 6 years to admit that last part, last week I hit rock bottom when I was arrested for card fraud, using a card I stole to pay bills and pay for gambling. At the back of my head I convinced myself that I would pay it all back when I won. How stupid is that? After the police had finished with me, I returned home to find my children had all appeared from their lives, my uni student daughter realised where all her money had gone, my eldest realised why I begged her to be guarantor on an amigo loan, my youngest finally understood why food was sometimes scarce and my husband, well, he realised that I had been blaming all our money troubles on his bipolar disorder for years. Ashamed and realising that I had nowhere to hide anymore, I came clean, admitted my problem and told them all they would be better off without me. I still struggle to see a way to make any of this right, with any of them. I went to the doctor because the thoughts of not being around anymore were no longer blocked out by the idea that people would find out what I had been up to. Everybody that mattered now knew how wretched I was, so I was terrified that block on harming myself had been removed. He put me in anti depressants, 2 weeks off work and back I went to my family. My middle daughter still can't look at me but everyone else is trying to be supportive. My husband has had a few moments of doubt, I blamed his bipolar for the distance in our marriage, it was easy to do. He blew up at me the day before yesterday, my anxiety kicked in and while he slept, I fell off the wagon after 6 days. Utterly appalled and ashamed, the next day I rang gamcare, got my referral for counselling, installed betfilter, with hubbies help, and am throwing myself into this, one day at a time. I can't get any lower, the only way is up right? Just got to keep this going, a week after payday and I still have cash in the bank, how cool is that?
And so day one ends on a good note.
The Turning Point only happens when you stop, and really want to, youve seen the destruction it has caused you and will convince you your next deposit will be the Get Out Of Jail Free card, but it wont we have all been there like rabbits in the headlights. Keep focused and you can defeat the Gambling Mind, it's not easy as it will come for you again many times, but stay strong and focused and you will get back your life your time and your family and your own happiness.
Thanks, I am determined to beat this, I nearly lost my family and my marriage, was so close so many times to holding my hands up to this, repeatedly backing out of doing it. Before my arrest I hadn't gambled for 6 days, I had no money to so it doesn't count, to me anyway. This time the blocks are in place and I am finding this forum and others a real help. When I feel my fingers getting twitchy I come on here and read others stories. When I get anxious I go and talk to my husband. Beginning of day two and I feel good. I am under no illusion though, it will be hard going but I am ready to kick this! Thanks for the support and encouragement.
So day 2 was a good day, not too much anxiety or urges at all. Only time anxiety kicked in was at the thought of doing my list for hubby of debts and sorting out who and how to pay them. Got all direct debits set up for bills so that's all sorted. It's just the debt, the level of it. Made a list of companies just not sure of amounts. And then there is the money I owe my mam and daughter, it's going to be hard to face. Still gamble free though. On to day 3!!
Day 3 dawned and I felt good. No anxiety or urges, my husband mentioned the list of debts again, had a bit of a dig when I was leaving the house to go to the shop, he said, "no gambling". I know he meant it as a joke of sorts but I did not know how to respond to that. Laugh back and look like its not serious or get hurt and look suspicious, like I don't trust myself? The night was bad, I really wanted to gamble, I used to find that because of his bipolar he doesn't sleep alot so often would not come up to bed when I go up. This was my time to get my phone out and stay awake till very late gambling. So I made finding that time difficult I am going to try reading instead, just something to do when first going to bed to help me relax and sleep, if I am asleep, I am not indulging the demon!
Day 4, felt very anxious all day, organised my first counselling session for today, day 5. I had quite a lot of urges today, but mostly when I went to bed, really struggled to sleep, worrying about everything. Did not gamble though. Hope day 5 is a better. day.
Day 4, felt very anxious all day, organised my first counselling session for today, day 5. I had quite a lot of urges today, but mostly when I went to bed, really struggled to sleep, worrying about everything. Did not gamble though. Hope day 5 is a better. day.
Day 5, first counselling session, I arrived early, hadn't slept much, anxious and nervous etc. The lady was lovely, put me at ease really quickly. Everything sounded jumbled and confused coming out of my mouth but she made sense of a lot of it I felt. Had a cry, spoke about things going years back that I never really connected before. It was enlightening, only the second time I have told anyone outside the family about my problem. Going back to see her on Friday , I am eager to do this. I want so badly to be done with this addiction, work in progress!!! Felt a little down afterwards, hubby was supportive when I got home. I have other destructive behaviours and need to be strong against them. But all in, it was a good day. Didn't gamble even though felt urge too!
Hi KezH! Hope that the counseling is really good you you. Nice when we can find someone who we connect with. But, even a counselor who is not a perfect match is a blessing when we really need the help. I have not had counseling for quiet a while. I used up all my free counseling sessions so I'm on my own. Anyway, all the best to you on your journey! tara2
Hello KezH,
Glad you have had the first seesion of counselling. I found it very useful myself. Its not easy at times but it really helps to let it out so you can let it go. Holding in all these issues and secrets that are amplified internally while actively gambling creates a lot of tension. Its such a relief to let it go. Be kind to yourself.
All the best.
Thanks Tara and sjwsjw, it is a strange thing for me, I ha e never been good at asking for help, always trued to sort things myself but speaking with her made me realise even more that I can't do this alone. I am grabbing at the help and finding my diary is also a good place to vent or at least pat myself on the back each day I don't gamble.
Day 6
It's funny how silly things can get into your head... Had a great day yesterday, kept positive, busy etc, gambling was the last thing on my mind. Then last thing at night when I was thinking of sleep, feeling proud of myself, hubby asks for the list of debts I have had ready for 3 days to sit down with him and go through. Suddenly I feel sick and defensive and terrified of him reading it. A row starts, he tells me it's not all about me I can't be trusted, he could bankrupt and not know about it. I went for a walk, came home and went to bed.
It's those reminders that I have hurt others and got them in this strife with me that make me feel hopeless. Really struggled to get out of bed this morning and my positive vibe has slipped a little. Not looking for sympathy, it's all expected reactions really, I broke trust and lied for years. Just needed to say it somewhere safe.
Hi kez...
Totally relate to what I've just read love..
Your family now know what's been happening...and are there for you....yes...there will be some very difficult times ahead ...
Questions....
Why...
Funny looks..
Distancing. .
Lack of trust. ..
Snide remarks..
Etc etc...
But...I'm sure if the likes of you and me where on that side of the fence...we would be the same. ..
Soooo ....I'm afraid...for a while. ..untill all the dust from the explosion of them finding out...
You just have to go with the flow love...
I was also bricking it when I had to sort list of debts....so I sorted them...rang all I owed money to..and made an offer...a sensible one...that could be paid without crippling me...I had to argue with a few...told them straight...I'm a gambling addict...and at least I'm trying to deal with it...
They all accepted. ..
Sooo. ...when I showed hubby list. .I also had another list of agreements in place...for me it felt I was dealing with it...for hubby...it showed him i was facing it all...
I only played slots on laptop...
Sooo. ...I gave it to daughter...
I've never used my phone to gamble. ...I never associated the two. ..
I realise giving up your phone is probabally impractical. ..
But May be put a block on it..
Don't take it to bed with you...
Change habhits....yes...it's hard..but it's doable love..
I lived on here all day ...everyday to start with...reading ..posting..
I slowly got back to routine of pre gambling days...
Cleaner house...
Smarter me...
're connected with friends I had been ignoring...
Decorated...
Walked. ..
Watch gambling addiction films on YouTube...
Just anything to keep you occupied...
Now.....some two years later...
All debts cleared. ..
Money in bank..
Relationship with family ...as it should be...
I fall asleep at night in peace...I wake refreshed....
I can hold my head up high...
And trust me love....like you feel now....I also felt. ..
But that will all change. ..
If you makes changes ..
Take a look at my diary ...it may help...it may not....but it will keep you busy....
Just take one day at a time love..
X
Oh Loxxie, thankyou so much for the post, I am finding it so difficult, I am trying to gwt all the major debt under control with agreements to pay, then like you say its not looking too bad. Its mostly how much I have borrowed from family and the theft of the card and prosecution I can't face. I can't stand the thought that people at work will find out. I can't see how I can face them, keep my job and be ok. Counselling is helping g me work out what's happened that led me to it. I am thinking of going to a GA meeting too. I am in the process of gutting rooms, feels good. I will check out your diary and at the moment I am on here everyday and a Facebook group that I have found helpful.
I feel so awful at the moment. My therapist says I should begin the financial reveal conversation with explaining how fearful I am of how he will feel once he knows the extent. I am going to do that. I have been so isolated that opening up is so hard. Everything comes out of my head so jumbled, sorry. Thanks again for the advice, I will take it. One day at a time.
Hey kez...
Just wondered how things are going love...
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