Life begins again

Good morning diary

Day 32 today Bring on the day am ready

Day off today and it's Friday and on my own all day

A few weeks ago I would have been rubbing my hands dying to get on my laptop to lose even more money I did not have and what a waste of a day spending most of it looking at a screen then feeling sick desperate and self loathing

No more days off like that

Can't play today want to win today

With guards up I will have a good day gamble free

Thanks Shellyb for your continuing support Very much appreciated I do not want to spend even One penny today

I was thinking in bed last night about my addiction and when the enjoyment of bingo began to change

One of the reasons it changed was when I stopped telling other half when I won keeping winning as much a secret as losing

That's when the lies started and addiction took over

No more lies to tell that has to be positive

Have a happy peaceful day all gambling free

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne - Many congrats on your 32 days of sanity. I can totally identify with your mentioning keeping even the winning secret from your partner - another way of this addiction making us isolated in our own little secret world, away from our loved ones.

Enjoy your days of freedom from all that.

Joanna

Dear diary

Busy morning not gambling

Credit card company eventually rang back

It's taken about 4 months to sort out a plan but it must be my lucky day cos they have finally agreed

Interest frozen and paying 15 a month back

Think she fell asleep by the time I had finished reeling

off all creditors I pay too the list was longggggg

And all these debts are due to my gambling nothing else

I have done my own debt plan with all but one

I will ring them this afternoon

My credit rating must have exploded off the face of the earth by now and that's good cos I cannot get any more credit don't want any more credit

So this is the end result of 8 years gambling online

What an experience that was and I am saying in the past because I cannot ever bet again

Strange but today I am not worried about the 1000s I have lost because I have accepted it has gone

That's how I feel now

No thoughts at all to gamble today just thoughts on getting sorted out with finances today

Feeling determined and won't play today I know the score a big minus Zero

Suzanne xx

Dear diary

Just had a memory of my gambling days

I only played on one site and about 2 years ago when I was playing in oblivian mode a message came on the screen I had reached my daily limit of 5000

That was because I had won played lost won played and won again anywY after being way up I now only had 50 left I was fuming I wanted my losses back with gains after all I had put 5000 into the machine

Of course I immediTely got In touch with them to increase my daily limit and guess what they did to

10000 a day which increAsed monthly.

To silly money

Well I could not lose now In my stupid heAd I thought more to play with more to gain

Well the inevitable happened about a month later a message came up I had reached my monthly limit of 70000 Was not all deposits was winning losing chasing losing what planet was I

I even kept signing on every hour checking my limit because every hour the expiry had reduced to under the limit how sad is that to be totally zoomed into that and actually going on every hour til I could play again

I must never go back there I have to write these memories down for me when they appear in my head

It's a a battle of my conscience And I will win today I choose not to play

I wished I could now forget memories of gambling I don't wAnt any of it in my head anymore but I am thinking of the bad memories not the ones to make me want to gamble today so that must be positive

But wished I could blot all of it out

How can someone get so addicted to nothing but selfish oblivion

Keeping strong today these memories just. Crop up at any time

Have a happy peaceful gambling free evening All

Suzanne x x

Hi Suzanne - I know it's painful for you, but I am grateful to you for reminding me of the stupidity we call gambling. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you talk about the 'oblivion' of blindly chasing losses by getting ourselves deeper in the mire. Paradoxically, it's such a self-centred, selfish activity but one which takes away all our self-respect too.

I used to self-exclude for short periods and then count the days in my diary until I could start again - madness.

Well done for keeping strong and using those uncomfortable memories to strengthen your resolve.

Joanna

Morning diary

Day33

First time I have had to think how many days I have gone without gambling

So that is over a month since site had any money from me which means a big zero to them in over a month

That has to be very positive

Back to work again At least not on late shift

OHs birthday today too I can only give him a card and token gift would like to buy hi. Something really nice

Next year I will because I am determined not to gamble again

That would be very positive to buy him something very expensive next yeAr.

One day at a time can build up to a year

Thanks Joanna for your comments again yes painful but if I don't write it down I Might forget the awfulness of my addiction

Have a good peaceful gambling free day all

I will because I don't want to play today it's my choice

I won't even spend one penny today

Suzanne xx

Kept up the good work Suzanne, the days mount up quick I am on day 36, certainly feels good.

Stay gamble free and you will 100% be able to buy a really expensive gift next year.

Shaun

Dear Diary

Day 35 and I have not spent even one penny on gambling that feels good this morning

Working today and it's a lovely morning and I have again woken up without the stress of what I lost the day before clear head on that part will feel even better when the last pd loan is put into place tomorrow (I hope) because I will be in control of my money then and that will take a big burden off me knowing I can pay my debts and still have money to live on that feels good today.

No thoughts to gamble today at all

Won't play today cos I want to win today

One day at a time

Have a good gambling peaceful free day

Suzanne xx

Hello I wished,

I've read your diary - very interesting, esp the bits about your sons' perception of your gambling and you wondering about the football bets etc. Also, the entry a couple of days ago about the limits rising and waiting for them to go down so you can gamble again were particularly fist-biting. What DO we become when we succumb to the red mist?

As regards your son's football bets, well, it's impossible to know for sure but likelihood is he's a 'recreational sports gambler' and it's all under control. I've got lots of friends like that, and I envy them because I wish it were me. But there's absolutely no chance I could ever gamble for fun. I have a friend who has 1 pound- yes, one - a week on an accumulator bet, you know, predict 12 football wins (or something like that). Last week he won 340 quid ie odds of 340 to 1. He was over the moon. My first question to him was (he's a teacher, head of dept, good salary) 'Why the hell didn't you have 20 on it? You can easily afford it. Would've been 7k', to which he gave me a slightly c**k-eyed look and said 'What would I do that for? It's just a bit of fun'. CGs don't know what fun is in gambling.

Great post milkman, can totally relate to that!

Well done Suzanne on another bet free day!!!

Hi suzanne just wanted to say your doing great and sounding so positive at the min 🙂

jess x

Hi Suzanne,

Very well done on your continued battle against this evil habit. Pat on a back, and be proud !!

You seem to have great mindset tackling this beast and juggling everything else in your life. Strength and determination is here, keep hold of them. You can do it...you ARE doing it. Well done dear soldier

Day at a time

S x

The start of another gamble free week, keep up the good work Suzanne. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Shaun

Morning diary

Thanks Jess Sandra and Shaun for your support It really helps because I know I am not on my own

Yes 5 weeks today 35 days I have not spent one penny on gambling

Day off again and it is THE Monday that was the day Of the week I lost more money than any other day of the week THE Monday was the day I chased deposited and chased most of the day I find it quite sickening to think about it now but it is THE Monday so I have to keep strong and focused

Must write this thought down do I don't forget when I wAs on my bingo site I never went into the chat rooms I was in my own oblivion world playing

And now I am writing a diary to stop me playing

Feeling quite vulnerable and stressed today don't know why but hey my feelings change every day

Can't wait til I can start to really enjoy my days off without the worry of gambling money and stress

Must think positive

I won't play today I know the result minus zero

Have a good gambling free day all

Suzanne xx

Dear diary

I feel quite stressed and panicky at the moment and have that sick feeling in the stomach just like I did at the end of a session it's as if I have been gambling for hours and lost a lot of money but I have not

This must be another experience I am going through as I am abstaining well I say bring it on I will not play today I already have the feelings of having played today which are /////

Have feelings but not the thoughts of having played today weird very weird but gambling is not going to take me AwAy today to play

Bit early in the day but I am having a vodka and orange to calm me down and the good news is I never played when drinking because I needed total control to gamble what a joke I had anything but control when I gambled else I would not be here today

That has made me smile writing that because if it was not so pathetic it would be funny like spending 100s on slots and then worrying if loo rolls would last till payday and am still worrying if they will last til pay day

I will have tougher days than this I know but like today I will have willpower to not gamble simply because I can't win because I can't stop

If vodka helps today then so be it (not even real vodka too expensive it's vodkat but it does the job)

Back to spending 100s on gambling but cannot even afford proper vodka

Can't believe I waffle on here but when on site Never joined with the others in chat another big joke they go on every day spending say a tenner a week (I wished) and using bonus points and they I would think really enjoy there bingo and that is how it is supposed to be

I wished I had stayed in the chat room I didnot last a month greed initially took over I would do better on my own in my own oblivion world winning most of the games but that was Because I was the idiot playing with real money and maxing I could not lose that has to be the biggest joke I have lost everything in myself if that makes sense money can be replaced the damage it has done to me and therefore my family never can

I Am persevering with this issue but it's hard they have forgiven me and given me another chance especially OH who has given me loads of chances

I have to forgive myself but I know I will never forget or be over this addiction

A non CG cannot understand the agony of either playing or abstaining winning. Losing or abstaining this site is so important for that reason

See diary I have calmed down a bit now after writing on here (vodkat helped) lol

Suzanne xx