Living with my biggest mistake

Thanks Equinox, replied on your diary.

Day 87 GF and New Year Eve so goodbye 2017 and hello 2018.

Been an odd year, as the title of my diary describes I consider my experience with gambling as the worst mistake of my life and the only time in my life when I seriously started weighing up the possibility of ending my life. Despite this I would not want to delete 2017 from my life even if I could. The highs of life will always outweigh the lows. It's not about having money or a nice car or fancy holidays. When I realised what I was potentially destroying it was not being able to reach out and hold my wife's hand and being around to see my son growing up into a caring and generous young man that I was most scared of losing. The material stuff meant nothing. That is why I will never gamble again - it is like sitting down at a roulette table and instead of having a pile of cash to bet with it is your future happiness you are using for chips.

Happy New Year everyone and let's keep this up together and remain GF.

Day 88 GF.

Just joined 2018 challenge as need an additional focus. Need to just keep racking up the days.

Hmmm. Got up late today, tidied up a bit after last night, been for a walk and taken all the Xmas decorations down and put in the loft.

Its 5.00pm and I am feeling a bit distracted. Back to work tomorrow after two weeks off. Almost wish it was 10.00pm so I could go to bed.

I am not going to but if I was ever going to gamble again I think this would be the circumstances. Not ideal that this comes into my mind.

Hi Muststop123

Somehow gambling thoughts seem to find the perfect moment to creep back into our minds. I had them return a few days ago - it was at a similar kind of moment when there was a pause in the Christmas activities.

I suppose we've got to expect that they're going to be bouncing round our heads somewhere, just waiting for a moment to be heard again.

Let's just treat those thoughts as if they were just the sounds of yapping dog, somewhere in the distance, wanting its bone - and forget about it.

I think I'll keep the tree up for another few days - let Christmas live that little bit longer. My favourite time of the year and I'm always a bit reluctant to see it go. Happy 2018 to you and your family.

Take care

Equinox

Equinox wrote:

Hi Muststop123

Somehow gambling thoughts seem to find the perfect moment to creep back into our minds. I had them return a few days ago - it was at a similar kind of moment when there was a pause in the Christmas activities.

I suppose we've got to expect that they're going to be bouncing round our heads somewhere, just waiting for a moment to be heard again.

Let's just treat those thoughts as if they were just the sounds of yapping dog, somewhere in the distance, wanting its bone - and forget about it.

I think I'll keep the tree up for another few days - let Christmas live that little bit longer. My favourite time of the year and I'm always a bit reluctant to see it go. Happy 2018 to you and your family.

Take care

Equinox

Happy New Year to you and your family too.

Yesterday was not a real urge, just a reminder of where my mind could wander if left to its own devices, just a little whisper in my ear of "remember what that thrill of winning felt like and wouldn't that just take the edge off the way you are feeling?". I am not a big drinker but it did feel a bit like that situation where you have had a difficult day and you just feel like a glass of something to take the edge off, not getting drunk or even close, just a little treat. Think recently I would normally have gone out for a brisk walk but been suffering from the traditional post Xmas cold so did not really feel like it, need to get back into that routine.

Day 89 GF and back to work with a jolt. Nothing to be particularly worried or concerned about, just normal work stuff. Going to be a long four days getting back into the early mornings.

this is my first day on the site. My sister sent me a link, she thought it might help me. My problem feels so huge I do not think I will ever be as successful as you. It started with being curious about things that popped up on Facebook telling everyone how they made loads of money very easily so I had a look thinking I would simply decide it was all lies. It was so elaborately set up with realistic videos etc of seemingly ordinary people whose lives had been totally changed. So i looked a bit deeper and to cut a long story short i ended up being phoned by several different companies and being inveigled into parting with £250. Then the pressure started - "to make serious money you need to invest more" and more and more, "another X thousand pounds will mean you have a "gold assount then a platinum account then a VIP account" etc etc. I really cannot add any more at the moment it is too involved and hurtful but let me just say that now at 70 i have nothing but my state pension and a very small amount a month from a private pension that will run out in a few years. My only saving grace is that i own my little house outright but some of the companies even tried to persuade me to borrow against that. They call it trading which is designed to make it sound respectable but in reality you never own anything you are just betting on whether a currency or shares etc will go up or down so it is just gambling. I kept on because i needed to try and recoup losses. I lost several hundred thousand pounds and because i still have my house i am afraid it might happen again.

bigmistake999 wrote:

this is my first day on the site. My sister sent me a link, she thought it might help me. My problem feels so huge I do not think I will ever be as successful as you. It started with being curious about things that popped up on Facebook telling everyone how they made loads of money very easily so I had a look thinking I would simply decide it was all lies. It was so elaborately set up with realistic videos etc of seemingly ordinary people whose lives had been totally changed. So i looked a bit deeper and to cut a long story short i ended up being phoned by several different companies and being inveigled into parting with £250. Then the pressure started - "to make serious money you need to invest more" and more and more, "another X thousand pounds will mean you have a "gold assount then a platinum account then a VIP account" etc etc. I really cannot add any more at the moment it is too involved and hurtful but let me just say that now at 70 i have nothing but my state pension and a very small amount a month from a private pension that will run out in a few years. My only saving grace is that i own my little house outright but some of the companies even tried to persuade me to borrow against that. They call it trading which is designed to make it sound respectable but in reality you never own anything you are just betting on whether a currency or shares etc will go up or down so it is just gambling. I kept on because i needed to try and recoup losses. I lost several hundred thousand pounds and because i still have my house i am afraid it might happen again.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Sorry you are in the position you find yourself in, given the size of your losses I can only imagine the pain and worry you are going through. I have to say I know nothing about the type of gambling you have been involved in but sounds like some sort of spread betting on currency movements combined with some fairly dubious sales tactics.

I would suggest two things as a starting point, first call gamcare at the telephone number at the top of this page. They are professionals who can give you advise on how to deal with both the financial and emotional issues you need to address. Second I would copy the message you have written above into the New Members Intro section of this forum, you should get a lot more people to see your message so you can get a lot more support and advice.

Well done on reaching out to try and escape your addiction. The first step seems to be to acknowledge you have a problem. Once you do that and start taking actions to stop then every day is a better day than the ones you spend gambling.

Keep posting and remember you are not on your own.

Thank you for replying. I have repeated my post on the new members forum (when I worked out how!)

I have also been put in touch with someone to help me and have an appointment for an assessment next week. Good luck with your continued recovery and thank you for your support.

Day 90 GF.

The last two or three weeks I have hardly thought about gambling in any way. I have kept this diary up, more out of habit, and was thinking that maybe I would start updating on a weekly basis because I was starting to think it was becoming fairly pointless - i am never going to gamble again so why waste time on it.

Last couple of days have been challenging. Holiday/Christmas period is over and normal life returns. Not that it is a bad life (very far from) but like most people i have to conform to the get up, go to work, do the everyday stuff. Does not help that I have had the traditional new year cold/man flu thing so been struggling to sleep or do much.

Anyway the point is - I have had a few thoughts about gambling. Had a small (£90) amount of money in my PayPal account that a friend sent me to settle a hotel bill. So this is unmonitored money and last night it came into my head that I could take this and maybe turn it into £200. If I lost then it would not really matter. I did not act on it and have now transferred it into our joint account. The stupidity of all of this is if I said to my wife I wanted to spend £200 on something, she would be fine about it and I would put it on the credit card no problem. I do not need to make extra money for anything.

It was not really an urge because the thought of clicking the buttons for a roulette wheel or slots still makes me feel sick. It is quite confusing because I don't want to gamble but my mind seems to put these ideas into my mind that I could.

The positive is that there is a fairly clear relationship between these thoughts and my level of activity. If I don't have a project or something to plan for then my mind starts thinking I can maybe get my kicks elsewhere. I was concerned this might happen now so time to take action.

Muststop123

Hey muststop123. Just read your diary, you really are an inspiration. Well done on your progress so far. Keep aware as I know you are, that never to drop your guard as I did after 9 months and many months of not even thinking about my losses and look what happened to me. Keep strong and vigilant. Scott

Hello Muststop,

I can totally relate to the new year struggle. I've also got man flu and am struggling on through work and the early mornings. I was on a bit of a high in the run up to Christmas and did have a good one but seem to have crashed physically and mentally the last few days. It does feel like back to the everyday grind now.

Just gotta hang on in and ride it out i guess.

Muststop123 wrote:

Anyway the point is - I have had a few thoughts about gambling. Had a small (£90) amount of money in my PayPal account that a friend sent me to settle a hotel bill. So this is unmonitored money and last night it came into my head that I could take this and maybe turn it into £200.

Hi Muststop123 - thanks for posting in my diary.

What happened to you here sounds very similar to what happened to me last night. I think Paypal automatically registers as the home of the gambling fund because that's where all my deposits were once channeled through.

A gambling thought is never a good thought. But I think it's just your mind playing games. And it's as if we give the gambling thoughts much more weight than the non-gambling ones. It's good that the idea of gambling still makes you feel sick (good, probably not the best word to use) - but this anti-gamble voice has sounded loud and clear and constant for the last 90 days. The other voice, in comparison, is a little mouse squeak. If you could read a script of your thoughts for the last 3 months, in the thousands of thousands of pages, it would be nearly impossible to find the bits which show an urge. You've done so blindingly well these past three months.

To be honest, I still find the whole thing confusing. It's hard to feel as if I can get a clear perspective on the whole issue. I don't know whether I'm over exaggerating my gambling habits or taking things too lightly. Which I think stems from the fact that I don't know whether I can trust myself.

Good luck with keeping busy and active. I think there's something very true about idle hands being the devil's workshop.

Take care - and well done for 90 days gf.

Equinox

Day 91 GF checking in.

Thanks for your comments all, I am over my thoughts of yesterday and the reality of what would happen if I did just have one little gamble with that little sum of money did sink in. It would not matter whether I won or loss, it would have been the start of something very bad.

I still feel like I have been inflicted with something like a poison because for the previous 30 odd years going back to work after a break I would not suddenly start thinking about gambling, whether I wanted to act on it or not. I guess I do sometimes forget how recently it was that I was gambling. 3 months is a very short amount of time so I should not be surprised that my mind still brings in to the front of my thoughts. It would be good if one day if these thoughts were not there at all but get the feeling I am stuck with them for a while yet.

Hey muststop123. Have you had any days yet completely free of any thought of Gambling related stuff? During my 9 months gambling free, for the first few months I would often think about it in some way or another but then I started to go days without it entering my mind and then eventually weeks. All the more while I feel so upset, angry, mortified, ashamed that I caused my loss 9 months after being free of gambling. I think I should of handed my finances over before but I felt like I could manage on my own, I’m a bloke - I’m not giving up my cards/money etc...no chance, I am not a child etc... probably wouldn’t be where I am now if I would have though.

Scotto85g wrote:

Hey muststop123. Have you had any days yet completely free of any thought of Gambling related stuff? During my 9 months gambling free, for the first few months I would often think about it in some way or another but then I started to go days without it entering my mind and then eventually weeks. All the more while I feel so upset, angry, mortified, ashamed that I caused my loss 9 months after being free of gambling. I think I should of handed my finances over before but I felt like I could manage on my own, I’m a bloke - I’m not giving up my cards/money etc...no chance, I am not a child etc... probably wouldn’t be where I am now if I would have though.

Hi Scott

Yes, I did go quite a few days during the second half of December that I did not think about gambling at all. Almost to the point that I felt guilty I was not updating my diary. Bit of a double edged sword really - I do not want gambling to be any part of my future life either physically or mentally so one side of my mind says continuing with a diary and posting on here is just continually bringing up thoughts about it. Obviously on the converse side I know I must not get complacent about this and stopping gambling for good is not something that happens just because you try and forget about it. Realistically I know it is far too early to try and file this away at the back of my mind as something I once did.

The handing over control of finances bit is a little hard but in my experience (given that I had not stacked up a load of debt so we are still ok financially) it is more a psychological impact than practical. Going to work all month and having to hand it all over to someone else to look after is maybe a little bit of a hit to the ego (not really the right word maybe) but given how I was behaving three months ago seems a very small price to pay. Does not help when my wife says things like "oh, I'm rubbish at keeping control of where the money is" - I guess while she might not be 100% on top of it, she is not donating it to casinos.

Day 92 GF.