Living with my biggest mistake

Day 36 GF and whilst I just cannot imagine why, how or when I would gamble today I will remain on my guard.

Having a bit of a low 24 hours at the moment. It is ridiculous because I have so many positive things to look forward to. Away for weekend with wife from tomorrow, overnight trip to London following week for some fun, week's holiday away with son for week before Christmas that we are both really looking forward to. Then Christmas which is alway a good time with extended family. In between all this I will be really busy at work which always makes the days go faster.

Despite this I still find myself silently weeping when on my own in the car or in the bathroom thinking what I have become. I hate to think what I would be like if I actually had to deal with the real struggles and worries that so many others have. I appreciate this sounds hugely self-indulgent but if I can't be honest on this diary then when can I?

Keep telling myself to snap out of it and count my many blessing but not currently working. Really is a first world problem, sitting here feeling sad because I acted irresponsibly and selfishly - sure many people round the world dealing with war, famine, disease etc would happily swap lives and really give me something to worry about.

Not sure if this diary is doing me any good. Think maybe I am looking back on the previous posts too much and this is just upsetting me and then making me sad due to the memories. Problem is, I use these memories as a block to make sure I am never tempted to gamble again. Bit of a catch 22.

Counselling tonight. It is at a natural break point so I need to agree with counsellor if I want to continue. Not sure what to do and what I want out of sessions anymore.

Time to slap a smile back on and face the world.

Muststop123 wrote:

Keep telling myself to snap out of it and count my many blessing but not currently working. Really is a first world problem, sitting here feeling sad because I acted irresponsibly and selfishly - sure many people round the world dealing with war, famine, disease etc would happily swap lives and really give me something to worry about.

Hi Muststop - Apologies if my attempts to console sound clumsy - but I think you're being very hard on yourself.

These last couple of months have been an emotional time, with a huge amount of upset both for yourself and those around you. The aftershocks are going to last a while - and it's something I would try accept rather than fight against. If you're body feels upset - it's upset. And if that means shedding tears in the car or in the bathroom ... then shed those tears.

When you say 'what I've become' - it sounds quite damning. The bottom line you've become someone who's successfully salvaged himself from a potentially life-destroying addiction. That's a big plus. Compulsive gambling is self-destructive, it's like looking down at the edge of a clifftop with feet that want to jump - it's a terrifying experience that will unearth all sorts of emotion.

But within 36 days you've so far managed to unravel yourself from its ***. There's no foundation to my claim - but I genuinely believe you've kicked the habit. Now you just have to stop kicking yourself.

Stay gamble free - don't be too hard on yourself - and I bet (wrong term to use here!) this time next year, or in five years, 10 years - this will seem like an odd episode in your life that will possibly even trigger a gentle smile of disbelief. Guaranteed - all the painful feelings will disappear. Our lives are going to full of good moments, bad moments, clumsy moments, reckless moments, loving moments, selfish moments - this in a few years down the line, will fondly be looked back on as your 'what on earth was I thinking?' moment.

I'm glad you've got good times to look forward to with your wife and family as the festive season approaches. Focus on these magic moments and don't let feelings of guilt or regret take too much of a foothold in your life.

Hi Equinox

Thanks for that, not sure you will ever appreciate how much that meant to me.

I don't think until you have gone through the periods of self loathing that most of us have gone through that you can understand the dark places it sends you. I just thought I was through this stage but it seems not.

I have got out of it before and have enough positive things in my life to focus on that I can get out of it again.

Think I will carry on with counselling.

Thanks again

Muststop123

So day 37 GF and had a good day as gone away for weekend with wife.

Counselling last night and fundamentally it seems i somehow need to forgive myself which at the moment is not something I can do. It does not matter what my counsellor says or how often my wife says she forgives me, deep down I can't forgive myself for what i have done so I can't move on and carry on getting upset with myself. Logic does not enter into it because I know I can't keep beating myself up about what I did but I do. At least I know what my problem is and can try and work on a solution to that.

Stopped at a motorway services today for quick snack and in the middle of the food court next to the m&s and Costa coffee was a full branch of one of the high street bookies complete with a set of FOBTs. Not even a proper front to it so the whole shop was open to everyone. Selection of fairly dejected looking people in there. No one seemed to be having fun, let alone responsible fun. I just wanted to rush in, grab the people by their coats and drag them out and tell them to stop wasting their lives but guess none of them would have thanked me, most probably got punched at a minimum. Made me shiver just seeing it and going into a physical bookies was never even my thing.

Please stay gamble free my friends, every one of you.

I share your feelings. I find it hard to forgive myself. But i try to be positive.
I feel like i owe my family and my self the time and money wasted in gambling.
I am 103 days GF and hopefully GF for ever..

Adamjamal2014-2017 wrote: I share your feelings. I find it hard to forgive myself. But i try to be positive. I feel like i owe my family and my self the time and money wasted in gambling. I am 103 days GF and hopefully GF for ever..

103 days is brilliant, keep at it every day.

38 days GF and no urges to gamble.

With friends today, going to a "do" tonight. Posh frocks and black tie and a few bottles of wine. Should be fun.

Odd, I can be socialible and seem and feel quite happy when I am in company to point I can't believe anyone would have the slightest clue anything was the matter, yet as soon as I am on my own, my mind immediately starts telling me I am a fool who does stupid things. There is obviously no one but myself doing this to me so this should be completely in my control to stop but I can't.

Feel like I am leading another double life just as I was when I was gambling. Counsellor believes he can come up with some tools and exercises to help me change my thoughts. Hope so because I feel like I am going slightly mad at the moment because it does not reconcile with my normally fairly logical way of thinking.

Hoping everyone is managing this weekend and keeping GF.

Day 39 GF and not gambling today.

Bit hungover today. Partying until 2.30am at my age, what do I expect! Haven't laughed so much in months.

Muststop123 wrote:

Day 39 GF and not gambling today.

Bit hungover today. Partying until 2.30am at my age, what do I expect! Haven't laughed so much in months.

Now that really does sound a milliion zillion trillion times better than the guilty isolated gambling sessions. Glad you had a brilliant time and well done on the 39 days gf too - It's clocking up nicely.

Thanks, Equinox, yes a lot better and funnily enough going out and enjoying yourself is actually a lot cheaper than sitting in the spare room looking at computer graphics of spinning wheels!

40 days GF now and feeling a lot more positive. Back to work today and determined to keep the positivity up. Not sure why my mind kept trying to drag me down last week. If I have no urges to gamble, then I don't need to keep reminding myself of the bad times every spare moment of the day. If I did ever consider gambling I could just drag the memories/emotions up and pretty sure they would stop me. So that's the plan.

Into day 41 GF and no urge to gamble.

Feeling generally a lot more positive than last week when I was pretty much at my lowest since the very early days for some reason. Realised that continually reminding myself of the very darkest days was not a very healthy thing to do and not particularly useful given I am not having any urges to gamble. I'll just keep those memories in reserve in case I do ever get any urges.

Getting ready this morning for work and wife was looking for some cash she had been given at the weekend by a relative to give to our children for Christmas. It was not where she thought she had put it and she casually asked if she had given it to me at any point over the weekend. She hadn't so I told her that and normally I would not have given it a second thought as she does have a bit of previous history over losing things like car keys which do eventually turn up in odd places. She used a couple of different handbags while we were away at the weekend so could be in either of those or one of the other bags we have not fully emptied yet. This time, I suddenly started having feelings of does she think I have taken it to gamble? Absolutely ridicoulous really as we share all our money so I would be taking from myself, if I wanted money she would give it to me and I never gambled with cash anyway but that's how my mind works now - go from 21 years of being together with 100% trust and honesty to the point where my immediate reaction is to assume my wife thinks I am a thief? Not going to let this get me down because this really is a totally irrational thought but does perhaps reflect how I still have a fairly low opinion of myself.

Almost 6 weeks for you Muststop!

Cracking effort. The half century is fast approaching.

Our minds will still be in ‘guilt’ mode, so it’s only natural for you to feel as though your wife doesn’t quite trust you yet. I mean, I don’t even totally trust myself yet, so how could I expect anyone else to. Maybe you feel the same about yourself?

That’ll come over time though buddy. Time is a great healer. It’s about building trust by accumulating lots and lots of days in between our last bet.

Keep up the positive thoughts!

Moorey

Thanks, Moorey, yes I think we think a lot less of ourselves than those around us do.

A question my counsellor asked me, when I was feeling pretty bad about myself, was if one of my friends or family came to me and said they had a problem with an addiction, would I shun them and think the worst of them or would I support and help them. I said obviously I would support and help them because they are my friends or family and they don't suddenly become bad people just because they make a mistake. He asked me why I would think my friends or family would act any different to me. Didn't really have an answer to that.

Obviously the cash turned up in another handbag tonight. There was never even the slightest hint that she thought I had taken it, it was all in my head.

So I make my way into day 42GF and remain positive I can continue to do this.

Gambling has no appeal for me (quite the opposite) but I appreciate I need to keep my guard up because I know in my heart that if I ever started again I would very likely repeat the previous patterns of escalating stakes and loss chasing.

Slightly ackward moment last night when I spoke to my mother. She mentioned she had been putting a little away each week because she wanted to take us all (myself, wife and grown up children) out to a day at the horse racing next spring when the weather warmed up a bit. She does not know about my problem with gambling and to be honest I would rather not tell her as it would just be one further blow to my self esteem when I saw her disappointment in me. We have done it before and it has been great fun, dressing up, having a meal and a few drinks and having a little bet on the racing. Small amounts, just a bit of fun so we could cheer our horses on and given none of us have a clue about horses the betting was all a bit random, daft stuff like because we liked the name of the horse. Obviously I can't do this now and at the moment the thought of even being around such a gambling intensive environment makes me feel uneasy, not because I would want to gamble but because the whole idea of gambling still feels me with dread. One to ponder because I can't say I am busy because she will ask when I am available and won't go until I say I am free. Even if I did go and just not bet that would appear odd, especially if I let my wife place bets for herself as normally I would do that, just like I would normally order drinks at a bar or pay a restaurant bill, its just how we are, guess we are just a bit old fashioned. I just smiled and said, yes, that would be good, whilst immediately realising it could never happen. As I say, one to ponder, feel bad about this as I am effectively stopping everyone else going because it just won't happen if I don't go. Not a today problem to resolve but need to sort. Maybe I can come up with something else we could do instead.

Hi Muststop

I think you're right, the safest option would be find an alternative event to enjoy. A new experience somewhere might even top previous outings at the races.

But just throw into the mix another possibilty - and I honestly apologise if this sounds insensitive, but if your wife is happy with the races as a treat, couldn't you all enjoy the day together, having a delicous meal and few drinks, and let whoever wants to have a harmless flutter, flutter?

I only say this because this could be an opportunity to experience that life really has got back to normal without the need to side step or be careful, a day to see that gambling is dead and has no place in your lives. If by next Spring you're well over gambling (I know we can never be so complacent about it, but it does sound like your healthy repulsion runs very deep and is not going to budge) the chance of a relapse, surrounded by your wife and family, would be very slim.

Part of the reason I'm suggesting this, is because I would like there to be a day that if I ever need to go to a casino with friends (unlikely even at the best of times), I'd not feel my mad gamblers urge to bet. Being there would be a way to really prove to myself that gambling is dead for me. I'm not explaining this well - because 'proving' isn't really what I mean. I'm struggling to find the correct way to explain it - but if I could be in a casino without it triggering my urges, there'd be a comfort and deep assurance in that for me. A bit like the cider I talked about in a previous post - even though I once loved cider, I can now walk into a pub and be certain that I won't be asking for a Merrydown. I want the same to be true of gambling and casinos.

Like I said, I apologise if this suggestion sounds tactless - especially after you've been so helpful in my diary. But I can see why it might not be the recommended solution for a good day out, because I've read many recovery diaries that have seen people relapse when their guard is down. But I do believe you've got this cracked - and I'm hoping your healthy reslove is working its magic on me.

Well done with day 42 of being gf.