Hi Equinox
Thanks for alternate view, always helpful to have someone else's view because I always seem to overthink things in my head!
This morning over breakfast, without me even mentioning it, my wide said oh I was thinking about what your mum said about house racing and I figured it was easiest just to tell her why didn't we try something else as we had been horse racing a few years in a row. When I said I felt bad about stopping her going, she said if she was ever that bothered she would just go with friends or the children while I was away doing something else. Should have just left it with her! Problem over.
Anyway, 43 GF days today and all good. No gambling.
Went to central London yesterday for a night away. Absolutely shocked how many casinos/high Street bookies there were in the hotel/theatre district. Not a problem for me but could be an issue for bored business people away on their own or tourists after a few drinks. Hate it but what can we do?
I have just read through your diary and must say I think you are doing brilliant. Like someone else says, I think you have been overly harsh on yourself, however it’s natural to be a bit like that too so understandable. I also completely agree that it’s best to air to the side of caution though as you have seen with many others, it can be all to easy to slip back into gambling and have a relapse.
Again though, you are doing brilliant.
Chris
Chris30z wrote:
I have just read through your diary and must say I think you are doing brilliant. Like someone else says, I think you have been overly harsh on yourself, however it’s natural to be a bit like that too so understandable. I also completely agree that it’s best to air to the side of caution though as you have seen with many others, it can be all to easy to slip back into gambling and have a relapse.
Again though, you are doing brilliant.
Chris
Thanks for the kind words, Chris.
I just read through your story in the intro section and the bit about winning early on being the worst thing that can happen just rings so true - if I had lost every penny of the first £100 I bet straght away, I am sure like most rational people I would have walked away realising it was a mug's game so much earlier. Of course the gambling companies don't want you to realise this until you are suckered in.
Well done on staying away for these last six months. You seem to have just got your head around the idea that gambling is just something that you cannot do. That is exactly the mindset I am trying to keep.
44 days GF today, no urges to gamble and no negative thoughts about myself. Beer in hand. All is good.
45 days GF today.
Read a few other diaries today while drinking my morning coffee. I know everyone is different but seems my thinking is fairly black and white. I can't imagine a future where an odd £10 bet is ok as long as I keep it under control and don't let it become £100. Needs to be zero gambling for me. First because I have proved I do not have the will power to stop and second because I really do not want to give any casinos any more money and I have complete clarity in my mind that I can never win in long term.
Good luck everyone this weekend
Day 46 GF.
Terrible nights sleep (or rather lack of) last night for non-specific worrying about gambling. Not even sure what I was worrying about - what I had done in past or what I might do in future? All completely pointless and meant nothing this morning but 3.00 o'clock in the morning was quite dark. No idea what triggered that as been quite positive during the day. My m8nd obviously decided I had been a bit too happy recently!
Muststop123 wrote:
... seems my thinking is fairly black and white
Hi Muststop - from reading your diary, I think this is why you seem to have got this cracked. I know there's always the warning shot against becoming complacent but this is why your diary is so inspiring for people like me - it helps me to see that your way forward, the black and white way, is the only way.
Sorry to hear you had a bad night's sleep, but I bet it feels a thousand times better than a bad night's sleep after a night of gambling gone wrong! The mind does love to play funny tricks in the dead of night. Funny probably isn't the right word. It knows our vulnerabilities and takes the opportunity to start scratching away at them. But it's always a relief when the morning comes and we get to see them for the pointless mind junk that they were.
I had a sleepless night a few days ago - my 18 yr old son came home after a good night out about 3am and as expected went straight to bed. Shortly afterwards, I went to take a middle-of-the-night-pee and noticed his bedroom door was slightly open - he normally closes it to keep the cats out. This little thing kept me awake for hours - I was thinking should I go in the room to check if he's okay? Did he just stagger into his room and collapse on the bed? Is he drunk and silently choking on vomit? Should I be over anxious dad and creep into a pitch black bedroom room to double check his breathing? It was all for nothing; he was up at 9am, munching a bowl of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and smiling. But that's our minds - they know our fears and love to chat to us about them in glorious exaggerated detail, usually between the hours of midnight and 4.45am.
Glad you're doing so well - your gf numbers seem to be growing nicely.
Hi Equinox, yes waking up feeling a bit tired because I had a restless night still feels somewhat better than gambling until 4.00am and then laying there waiting for the alarm to go off at 6.00am thinking about how much money I had just wasted. Who exactly was that person?
Day 47 GF and staying on my guard. The rational side of my mind knows there are no possible positive outcomes for me from gambling as I will never walk away with a win. The irrational side does still very occasionally try and reframe the past to highlight the excitement of taking £250 and turning it into £2500. Fortunately the rational side is winning all of the time with a fairly big margin because I am so determined to never gamble again but given I never want to do it again I will look into the service that allows people to self-exclude from all on-line gambling sites that I understand is coming out soon. Better safe than sorry.
So into day 48 and no urges to gamble - 50 days is within sight!
Life is pretty busy at the moment leading upto Christmas, seem to have something on most evenings and weekends at the moment so even struggling to get my speed walking in. Already starting to think about Jan/Feb when in the past I think my life is generally a bit quieter with long dark days and not so much on at weekends. Not suggesting that immediately means I am going to start gambling online again but if anything was going to trigger it I think boredom/lack of excitment/too much time on my hands would be the most likely reason. I can't really deal with coming home from work and sitting in front of the tv all evening. So in the "belt and braces" spirit of ensuring that is not going to happen I think I am going to come up with another couple of activities to fill a couple of evenings during the winter months. Used to play a bit of badmington so might start that again and always fancied learning how to scuba dive which I think initially you can do in a swimming pool (?) so maybe 2018 is the year!
Thanks for your support on my diary and congrats on 48 days, nearly the big 50!
Wilsy
Day 49 GF but feeling disappointed.
Have absolutely no idea where it came from but yesterday about 4.30pm at work I suddenly started having a real desire to play the on-line slot game that I previously played. Not interested in anything else, nothing else would have done, just wanted to hit those £50 spins and get through to that bonus game. Couple of pounds on roulette of no interest at all. Of course I have excluded from the sites I had been playing on previously but googled the name of the game to see if it was available elsewhere. Did not click on the links to see if it was the same game and I was on a work laptop which excludes access to gambling sites by default but really wanted to. I have my financial blocks in place so if I had done anything stupid my wife would have known immediately (and I know I would have been sleeping in a hotel or in a friends spare room last night – she is extremely supportive but that was the promise I made when I confessed) and I threw up all the mental images and bad memories I had at it and it passed in less than an hour but it felt really strong.
There was no obvious trigger, it was a normal day at work and everything is going to fine at home at the moment. Can’t explain it. Seems there is still some poison in me.
Had a work related meal out straight after work and got home 10.00ish and no thoughts of gambling.
Really disappointed with this as I have spent the last 7 weeks having absolutely no urges to gamble and thought I was one of the lucky ones who could just "decide" they did not want to gamble again and whilst I had put the blocks in place I was starting to see them mostly as a safety net rather than something I would actually need to use. I have been fairly bullish on here about how determined I am that I will never gamble again and how much the idea of gambling made me feel sick.
Today the thought of gambling is just as abhorrent to me as it has been the previous 7 weeks. Hate the gambling industry even more now as it seems to have infected me with something I thought I had removed from my body.
I am not sad or down on myself today just, as a I say, disappointed. I don’t feel the need to immediately stick any more blocks in place because the current ones worked. Will still sign up to the option to exclude from all on-line gambling sites as soon as it becomes available.
Guess no-one ever said this was going to be easy.
Hi Muststop.
Stick in there and don't go to hard on yourself about this. You are doing so so so so well.
Like you said, there's a bit of gambling poison still in the system.
These urges will come and will go. But don't let it question your rock solid resolve or make you question the chances of your success.
Well done for walking away ... a little disappointment is easy to live with. Just imagine how awful today would have been if you'd given in. But you didn't - and that's all the matters. I'm no counsellor, but maybe automatically labelling yesterday's urges a 'disappointment' in yourself is not seeing the whole picture?
Fact: You managed to resist. And big fact: You didn't gamble.
I'm not a very religious man, but this is your Jesus moment - where Satan (now in the form of a silly online slot!) tried to tempt you to feed the machines after clocking up more than 40 days of fasting with your cash. Moments like these will happen but the main thing - perhaps the only thing to see as valuable here - is you didn't relapse. Recognise the rock solid granite strength you displayed, and recognising it will make you even stronger.
Scary, I'll admit - but the scariness is in projecting it into a future of 'what if I'd have gambled' - you didn't. Thoughts are meaningless - can you imagine how dull and uneventful Macbeth would be if he only thought about killing the king? Separate thought (you'll have millions of these) from action - and your actions yesterday were ultimately, after dipping your toe back in the poisonous pond, controlled and restrained.
So you still have my guru title.
I came close to gambling last night - but when I really sat with the urge - and examined it - it was no worse than seeing a realy tasty chocolate Hobnob and wanting it. That's the thing about urges and impulses - we imagine them to be more more powerful than they actually are.
A huge, huge congrats for day 49!
Take care
Equinox
Thanks Equinox, knew I could rely on you to make me realise I was probably making more out of it than I should.
Just realised I think I told you off for allowing the urge to gamble to seem to be this big powerful thing when actually it is just a thought. I told you to go for a long walk and get away from your phone/laptop. I could have just walked outside and put my phone in the car. I need to follow my own advice sometimes!
Feeling a lot more chilled now and seeing a few positives out of it:
If anything I think this has strengthened my resolved even further. If those slimy evil little gambling urges think they are going to sink their teeth into me they are going to be sorely disappointed!
Hi muststop
Massive congratulations on day 49.
Your diary helps me so much. I feel we are quiet similar in how fast gambling sucked us in. You should be proud you didn't give in to the gambling devil. Even with blocks In place people have found a way around them and you quickly realised the devastation it would cause and chose not to. I really admire your strength and courage!
Belated thanks for your support on my diary Must, and an early congratulations on your half century today! You are doing ace and are an inspiration to me. Extra well done for resisting the other day. Good work.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
