Maybe a little late.

Hi Clover,

I am sorry to hear you have been struggling with urges lately, it sounds like you are dealing with so much at the moment. Here are some relevant signposts you could contact to support your mental wellbeing at the moment, please do also reach out for GP support. 

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/  

https://giveusashout.org/  

Please do come through to the helpline, we are here 24/7 and can support you with this. You can contact us on 0808 8020 133 or our live chat service on our website here https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/

Thank you, Erin FA 

Today has been a little better. Hadn't thought about gambling then I did for a split second before pushing it to the back of my head. I tend to get drawn to the memory of winning and have to remind myself of all the pain and heartbreak that came with it and that winning never actually really happened. It was just an illusion as I spent so much that it would take years of only winning to break even. 

I do feel a little *lighter* today and not so down. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just a day of feeling sorry for myself - sometimes those are needed but for now its a bit better. 

I want the house move to hurry up. I feel like there's so much trauma attached to this house that a new home, alongside a year of not gambling may be the fresh start thats needed. 

The positive is that I'm now 310 days gamble free. Its such a great achievement and im proud of myself and how far I've come. When I was in the midst of it I would wake up and plan when I would gamble, now the thoughts, although more frequent recently, are split second thoughts that I dont dwell on. Life is better now, there's no debt, there's no guilt and im more present in everything I do. 

Today is 311 days gf. I feel good about it but I dont feel cured, I know every day is a day that I have to decide to not gamble. 

Today I'm deciding not to gamble. 

Day 322

Its been an ok week. Have had some health issues and have been referred for some tests and scans. This has been causing me some worry for a while so glad to have plucked up the courage to go to gp. 

Gambling wise things have been ok. My urges have been minimal this last week but I do wonder why they had creeped up for a few weeks prior to that. It must be either emotional or the fact that nice weather is around and I would use that as an excuse to go for a walk and spend that time gambling. I also.think that as I approach the 1 year that my psyche around it may be changing so trying to get myself in check again. 

Its also approaching the 1 year anniversary of my mums death and I haven't really started grieving her yet, it almost like im afraid too. At the min its just like I haven't seen her in a while as the idea of never seeing her again is just too much for my brain to comprehend. 

Onward and upwards to a life that is gamble free.

Today I'm 329 days g/f. I can see that 1 year mark ahead, its right in front of me. But rather than it being a positive milestone I think its causing some temptations. I think because I can see it - im counting down to it, that its causing me to focus on gambling/not gambling and therefore temptations are setting in.

Its been a month where although I haven't gambled and im not going to, that this idea of a year free from it is counterintuitive. I thought that at the year point I'd be fixed. Nope - not even close to it. 

I have £40 in my purse which was given to me as payment for something and I need to spend it. Since quitting I knew I couldn't carry cash as the idea of heading somewhere to play slots is what I would normally do. I haven't spent it and I haven't gambled it. Its just sitting in there but its bringing thoughts of gambling. Of just heading out for an hour to see what happens. I'm not going to do that but it does leave the question of why is it still there? 

Life is otherwise good. No desperate issues that are triggering, nothing rocking the boat so to speak but just this 1 year mark lingering. I want it over with, perhaps it will clear my head a little more. In the meantime I'm keeping busy still. We haven't got a moving date yet but its coming soon so I'm beginning to clear out all the extra stuff from home so its not such a monumental task. There's alot to do. 

With the house move come an increase in outgoings and quite substantial ones too. I feel the pressure knowing that if I relapse the consequences are dire. Its both a driver and a stressor. 

But, again for today, I will not gamble. 

345 days g/f.

I spent the £40 in my purse. It just needed doing. The last couple.of weeks have been ok. No real temptations until today. Took the kids to the arcade at the beach and thought on the way there that I could spend £20 and it not be a big deal. I got in there and didnt feel much urge at all. The kids spent a couple of quid on piano tiles and then we left and went to play elsewhere. 

In 20 days time I will have gone a year. I'm pleased at my achievement as I never thought I could do it. But in 20 days time I'm reminded that it was the beginning of a steep declined in my mums health which led to her death just 2 weeks later. I'm not prepared for that. I've kept myself so busy this year, so much so that I've put off grieving my mum - I can't think of her or even look at her.photos yet, its too painful. 

Anyway, im still going strong (ish) and rededicating my gamble free life to my mum every day - this keeps me going. 

Clover 

400 days gf! Feeling good but still think of gambling - although it's not daily anymore and I never allow myself to dwell on the thoughts, they're fleeting really. 

Onwards I go!

Clover:)

Tomorrow is 450 days gf! Thursday I move into my new home, my relationship with my husband has improved greatly, I've more time for the ones I love, im less stressed and anxious, less depressed, have more money to spend on the kids and am beginning to enjoy life again. All things I could never have dreamed couple be true just 450 days ago!

Keep fighting the good fight!

Clover 🙂

@sj6mi7e8hx Congratulations Clover 👏👏👏👏💙. Life is so much better when we remain g.f! Just to be rid of the stress, anxiety and sleepless nights gambling brings, is reward enough but when we find ourselves with more disposable income because we have not gifted it all to those rich gambling establishments, this can bring even more rewards 👌.

Stay focused and committed. You are doing great!

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Today marks 550 days gamble free. I no longer feel the stress of gambling and can go days without thinking about it and when i do its mote around how stupid i was. . I have very little urges and when they come I can shut them down easily - they no longer stay and are fleeting thoughts of what if. 

Im proud of myself. Its a great achievement after 23 years of constant stress through gambling. It was bad. I never thought id get here.

If I can do it, you can too.

Today is 565 day gf. Still going string. 

Thought I would catch up a little. Today I'm 589 days gamble free. 

Prior to stopping, I had been gambling for well over 20 years. I was completely lost in it. I lied and stole and manipulated everything and everyone. It was not who I was or who I wanted to be, I hated the internal fight between the good and bad version of me. I knew I was a good person but this part of me had such a hold on me. I felt trapped by it and completely dead inside. I was anxious, paranoid,  constantly watching over my back. I lived my life in fear. I didn't see a way out and I thought that only death could save me from myself. I hurt my husband by spending our money, he would have sleepless nights from the sheer panic I caused. I hated myself. No one else knew, only me (and my dear mum) and I carried the weight of it alone. It was heavy!

So how did it stop? It took my mum dying. She was my best friend. She bailed me out so many times in so many ways. I was gambling right up until 2 weeks before she died. As she was dying, I didnt want to be anywhere else other than by her side, there was nothing that would take me away from her when she needed me the most. I sat holding her hand and stroking her hair for 14 days and nights until she passed. As she was the only person who knew of my gambling, she also felt the devastation it cause. In those last days there was nothing I could do to help her, nothing I could do to change what was going to happen to her. But in that moment I realised I could change me, She was always so proud of me despite my flaws, I was a good mum and a good daughter, she saw the best in me. I wanted to make her proud so I promised that I would do this - for her and for me. 

So here we are, 589 days later. It hasn't always been easy. The guilt, the shame, the self loathing, the temptation, the change, the reflection, the self discovery, the building of strength, the achievement. I've felt it all of it. 

Im here and my life has changed. Im a better person because of it. In my mums finals days, her final gift to me was desire to change, clarity in my thinking and determination to make her proud. I owe it to her and im so grateful I had her. 

Daily temptation can be overcome, those feelings of shame, guilt, depression and all the other c**P can change and we can grow to be better version of ourselves. 

Hang in there everyone! 

@sj6mi7e8hx this brought a tear to my eye. What a beautiful heartfelt post, so inspirational. You should be so proud of yourself. Well done

@sj6mi7e8hx What a lovely heartfelt read clover!🩷🥲.

So glad to read that an extremely sad situation has lead you to become the best version of yourself once more 🥲. Also, congratulations on clocking up all those g.f days 👏👏👏💪.

Take care and continue to look after yourself.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.