What do you do when it feels like you have lost your mind? How about when you look in the mirror and can't even recognize the person you are looking at. The hate and anger I feel towards myself right now is almost unbearable. I let this devastating addiction consume me to the point where it swallowed me whole. Not only did I lose all my savings but also all my self dignity and respect. I can't even hold my head up high anymore because of the guilt and shame. The constant feeling of being a failure. The realities of empty bank accounts. The hundreds of thousands in lost savings. The fear and anxiety of exactly that. Somehow through the unimaginable last 10 years of my Rollercoaster life I'm still kicking. I'm not sure why or how. I just know it has to be for a reason. On lonely nights I turned to drugs to try and cope with the losses, stress, fear, and anxiety of everyday life. At times of my lowest lows ... Tremors and holding my chest from the heart palpitations, paralyzed in a state of shock and fear, asking myself if this was going to be it. On a few occasions the feelings was so bad and intense that I remember telling God if he got me through this one that I would change my ways. Did I? No. The gambling wouldn't allow me to put down the drugs because I would get so low on myself that it felt like that was the only form of escape I could feel. I wrote all that to say this. All my money is practically gone. It's been less than a week since I placed my last bet. Somehow I still fell like there's hope for the future. If I'm willing to change for good. After gambling for close to 25 years there's no other choice for me. Either I quit for good and turn my life around. Or I literally continue with the same misery ... That's how devastatingly low this addiction can be. It will strip you of every ounce of respect, self love and dignity and turn you into a soulless fiend who strictly functions on impulse alone. In the moment of spending thousands of dollars in minutes for the 500th time in your life you finally begin to realize that this must be some sort of divine intervention. There's no other statistical explanation for these results if it wasn't a higher source of power trying to tell you through every means necessary that this is not the right life for you. I guess that could possibly explain how I managed to lose on almost every single big bet I ever placed in my life. When you start to have back and forth conversations with your own shadow, you know your already way too deep in. It's a long road to recovery for me but I'm ready for the challenge. Please don't waste 20 years of your life to arrive at the fact that this life is poison. I never would have thought I would be here at this stage now. It will happen to you too if you allow it to. Your better than this. You deserve better than this life. We all do🙏. If you can say a prayer for me. God bless you. I really need the strength right nowÂ
Please know you are not alone. I have depleted my savings, have all my credit cards ran to the max, took out loans and borrowed money from family just to support my gambling addiction. I put gambling first before anything else..even my family. The feelings of shame, guilt, worthless and a hatred for myself was so unbearable the only escape I could see was to take my own life. Thankfully that did not happen. I have not gambled now since May the 28th and just in this short time my life is so much better. I'm slowly seeing a little money in my bank account. The negative feelings I have for myself are nowhere near where they were. I know I have a long way to go but I know I can do it. I got into a group with other people that have my same problem and there are also group calls you can find that helps. These have helped tremendously. I have faith and know that we both can get through this. I will be praying for you. Please say a prayer for me.
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