My Diary of Shame

Do you not have ironing, washing, making food for your man and other wifely duties to be getting on with rather than posting on here now you are married! ;-). Glad to see its not just my texts being ignored to. S. Enjoy the rewards your continued abstinence is gifting you my friend. Your compassion and empathy continue to shine through. Dan x

​

A very inspirational diary from what sounds like a very inspiring Lady. Have a great honeymoon...... Then get on with the house work :))))

Your phrases confusing? NEVER!!!! ☺..you still need to understand European sense of humour Sesuo, but you will get there :-P...! You wouldn't b as violent to snap someone's hand off! (Lol..I'm joking again...so ya know I'm on the same page) Anyway, ...I sort of hate you sometimes lol (kinda sister love& hate) cause you make me cry! Crying is OK sometimes, esp when I'm not cheery gal as ya know, but no need to keep f******G me over the head with that bat (words)! You have a gift of absolutely amazing personality, cleverness, shockingly good sense of humour, honesty and wisdom! & Just a drop of care (:-P) but that's why I am not scared to open those boxes and let the demons out! ...I even check the corners & dont leave stones unturned cause I know that any pain can be managed and only of I let it happen (forgiveness road) I can start leaving those boxes open ...empty...I thank you for listening all this time and soaking the "news" like a sponge...really appreciate it. Aha...am late for work! Look what ya done now! 😀 Later girl, keep enjoying the sun, sea (no A&E pls!!!) and keep winning the good fight! You're on the right track. Ciao amigo

Hi ODAAT, just picked up on your kind words on my diary and thank you !.

It's a pleasure to be alongside you , on this journey of our's !.

But please ODATT ! Since I've given up the big "G" my emotions are quite fragile , and that last message , full of support , just sets me off again ! It doesn't take much to make my eyes watery ! LOL !!

Thanks again , I hope married life is treating you well ? . Best wishes for now , Alan xx

Ps. I can give you a quote for the painting anytime ! Ha! Ha! .................................

Thanks for the drop in. The FOBT's have a lot to answer for for many of us 🙁 Enjoy married life. Must go, got the dishes to do :-). #Justbelieve

Did you just get married? All the best! T2 odaat

Hi ODAAT thank you for the comments on my diary, i just wanted to say that i really appreciate your support, you have been posting encouragment on my diary for many months and it hasnt gone un noticed. I see that you regularly read and post on many members diarys and you are a real anchor for many people on hear.

Keep up the good work, it looks like you are doing well in your recovery

Midlife crisis post on overcoming thread page 2 Case studies. You asked me to point stuff out.

​

Never inflicted violence upon anyone but stole from plenty. There's a post by midlife crisis on the overcoming gambling problems page. I thought from what you have posted a few times lately about this being about your greed that page 2 of the article headed case studies had relevance

​

Thanks for dropping by 🙂

Hey,

On my diary #206, You identified the facts that the only way to spend time, to be seen & heard to get recognition & identification from your Aunt & Mother was to copy their behaviour. As a young adult/teenager it must have been very difficult to see them choose gambling over you. Your reaction to that seems to have been. If they wont give me their time in my environment then i will have to join them in theirs, and while i am there i will show them that my love of gambling is as great as theirs. That we have a common interest & something that binds us together. Hope that doesnt offend you, but thats what i see and you asked. Its ok to recognize that people should have treated you better. I think when we accept that it allows us to move past the resentment we may feel about it.

I think your long term future on dealing with addiction is just fine! I'm just not sure playing second fiddle to both gambling and your sister is something so easily put behind one. Those feelings have shaped your life up till you found recovery. I would personally find that difficult to let go of. It would make it difficult for me to be vulnerable or trusting of others intentions towards me. It would probably leave me with intimacy issues and allowing anybody to get too close in fear of them rejecting me. It would make me wary of looking to closely at myself incase I saw the things I believed didn't seem enough for others, but that is just me x

​

I've been thinking about the whole day count thing for some time & have just removed the display...Knowing serves no purpose because ultimately, I am only 1 stoopid decision away from throwing away my life!

@ the start, it felt important...If I can get to X days, I'll treat myself with a gamble.

Then it became important for another reason...If I gamble, I go back to day 1, then I will be the failure I never wanted to be.

Then it became important because I wanted to join the Century club, a lovely 'round' number.

Then it became important because I wanted to be in the 3% club but sometime before I got there, it stopped being a challenge! I had no great speech to offer, nothing profound to pass on, nyada & then on top of that I had lots of my new friends patting me on the back & being proud of me & I felt like a fraud! I've been watching my numbers clicking up ever since with a kind of dread that people are gonna drop by & say well done, well not anymore! I still feel proud when other people reach their numbers & I'm going to continue to voice that but it means so much more to me when I see them reaping other rewards!

Recovery is not a number, it is feelings & choices & life!

My name is Kelly, I am a compulsive gambler & today I choose recovery - ODAAT

Awesome post Kelly. Thanks for reaching out to me last night. I was feeling at the end of my rope and it was a real comfort knowing you were out there. -joan

Of course your life has panned out better than the tragic story of your sister,that still doesn mean you cant acknowledge yours has been hard too. Not harder just hard. Maybe your right and you dont need to resolve the past to enjoy your future, i have been known to overthink things!! We have trod similar paths, same age bracket, same mode of gambling, an introduction to it at an early age and a dysfunctional family to encourage a need to hide. I tend to push how i feel about things onto others and presume they have responded the same way i did. If you havnt done so please dont feel forced to feel that way just because i suggest you possibly do. My emotions and how i react to them have been a very harmful protagonist throughout my life and im sorry if im projecting them onto you. If i had a problem i wouldnt hesitate to consult you. I wouldnt say that to many. I think you have something special about you. I know you will make a joke of that and deflect it by putting yourself down. But for once take the compliment. Your doing great, if you dont need answers dont search for them, if you get stuck search them out fearlessly.

Dan x

ps. Lets stop this ODATT business, i have been talking to you for a year and i dont know your name.If you are not shameful of what you have done & who you are then your first name will not be a problem going forward 😉