My Diary of Shame

How very very dare you June...I'm one of the rarest on the planet.. around 3%.. Ginger with blue eyes don't ya know ;-)) ...prince Harry's also a member....having said that Kelly the green eyed monster did appear when you said you ate all that cake...with DOUBLE cream ;-))) ...but it was your treat Juuuune.

Have a great one ODAAT...OAU...Ginger x

Soooo, 2 years eh...Go me 🙂

But more importantly...Go us 🙂

Soz for the delay folks, I wanted to write something worthy of an Oscar winning performance but this isn't some dumb trophy that I put on my shelf until it's old enough to go in the loft so I don't have to dust round it anymore, this is my life! A life that is simply unrecognisable from the one I was living before! A life that I can hold my head up high for because I no longer let my addiction control me!

I have taken so much from so many these last 2 years & whilst it's nice to have reached a nice 'round' number, I really wouldn't be where I am today without all of the incredible support I have had from all of you, both on & off the forum!

I've been asked what is 2 years like & although it doesn't seem that different from last year from a gambling perspective, I have to admit it is! I also know now when it changed!

About a week ago, my Sesuo & I were like opposing poles of a magnet & consequently, I came running here (my safe haven). She's been there for me since as good as the start of my journey & I wasn't sure I could function as normally as I had been doing without her. I was surprised to find I could & did, so when we eventually patched things up it was incredible...A very intense, sometimes confusing, often difficult friendship that exists purely because I want it to, not because I need it to! It's an amazing feeling 🙂

I've felt this calm before but in Coo Coo's words (I probably shouldn't call her that...Don't get a complex S) I'm radiant now & do you know what, I feel it 🙂 I am sleeping better: having learned in those few days 'apart' that I didn't need to refresh my GC, check my Whatsapp, see if anyone had texted, read my emails, count how much money I had per day until payday, every single time I opened my eyes! I also finally realised that just because I think something is right, I don't need to ram it down everyone's throat!

I may not have done recovery the text book way, I may still only be abstaining but for all you people out there wanting the best for me, I promise you, I want the best for me too! And as OldhamKTF says...It ain't broke so I ain't fixing it! What I will add is I do have the most irritating man ever to rock a man bun on hand to help guide me through my crazy & a NM that is trying to remember just how crazy crazy was! Anyone reading this that looks & thinks "wow, she's done it on her own!", you couldn't be further from the truth!

And sod it...Thank you EVERYONE especially:

Hopeful soul

Life Begins

Glint

OldhamKTF

Day@atime

Alan135

who have all helped drag me (kicking & screaming @ times) to this point I am @ today!

Lol (cry) Sesuo...thanks for the mention!
Not gonna blab on about how sorry & shameful i feel for being a hard job..but just think how world works...let's say....hmmm..batteries + & - brings everything to life ☺..besides the beauty of such "miracle" is the balance of the two.

Keep doing wht you doing & winning one day at a time. I am really proud of you and happy to walk alongside you!

Ps. Let ya off since I'm the first on the list 😉 ..you are forgiven!!!

Later gator

Congratulations - two years is one hell of a milestone, and certainly one that can only be achieved by an awful lot of hard work and determination, as well as the support of others, and that comes totally from you!

Well done on achieving that superb milestone, and I hope there are many more to come.

Ryan x

Haha im presuming by irritating you mean usually right & never NEVER dis the man bun!!

ODAAT wrote:

Soooo, 2 years eh...Go me 🙂

But more importantly...Go us 🙂

Soz for the delay folks, I wanted to write something worthy of an Oscar winning performance but this isn't some dumb trophy that I put on my shelf until it's old enough to go in the loft so I don't have to dust round it anymore, this is my life! A life that is simply unrecognisable from the one I was living before! A life that I can hold my head up high for because I no longer let my addiction control me!

I have taken so much from so many these last 2 years & whilst it's nice to have reached a nice 'round' number, I really wouldn't be where I am today without all of the incredible support I have had from all of you, both on & off the forum!

I've been asked what is 2 years like & although it doesn't seem that different from last year from a gambling perspective, I have to admit it is! I also know now when it changed!

About a week ago, my Sesuo & I were like opposing poles of a magnet & consequently, I came running here (my safe haven). She's been there for me since as good as the start of my journey & I wasn't sure I could function as normally as I had been doing without her. I was surprised to find I could & did, so when we eventually patched things up it was incredible...A very intense, sometimes confusing, often difficult friendship that exists purely because I want it to, not because I need it to! It's an amazing feeling 🙂

I've felt this calm before but in Coo Coo's words (I probably shouldn't call her that...Don't get a complex S) I'm radiant now & do you know what, I feel it 🙂 I am sleeping better: having learned in those few days 'apart' that I didn't need to refresh my GC, check my Whatsapp, see if anyone had texted, read my emails, count how much money I had per day until payday, every single time I opened my eyes! I also finally realised that just because I think something is right, I don't need to ram it down everyone's throat!

I may not have done recovery the text book way, I may still only be abstaining but for all you people out there wanting the best for me, I promise you, I want the best for me too! And as OldhamKTF says...It ain't broke so I ain't fixing it! What I will add is I do have the most irritating man ever to rock a man bun on hand to help guide me through my crazy & a NM that is trying to remember just how crazy crazy was! Anyone reading this that looks & thinks "wow, she's done it on her own!", you couldn't be further from the truth!

And sod it...Thank you EVERYONE especially:

Hopeful soul

Life Begins

Glint

OldhamKTF

Day@atime

Alan135

who have all helped drag me (kicking & screaming @ times) to this point I am @ today!

You're certainly NOT on your own. Keep it going ODDAT 🙂 Tri

Thanks for the heads up on the trainers Kelly, but I've just discovered I was the coolest dude up the park (I can tell by the looks I was getting ) that my waffle trainers were as "retro chic" as you can get...tbh I think the head & wrist sweat bands done It for for me..but pheew I could have done without those leg warmers ;-)....Ten mins walk to the park then an hour jogging with some short respite walks between spurts then brisk walk home to wind down....met my neighbour at the top of the road ..I was melting, face redder than a post box "hello Gaz where you been" before I could answer he said "Pokemon hunting" ..."are you serious" (I think that was the sweat band talking) me thinking he was extracting the urine he then went on "ohh yeah it's a way to keep fit without getting bored" please believe me John I don't get time to get bored..knackered, yeah :-))

right Junie it's poached eggs on sourdough with a glass of apple cider vinegar...yuuuck, no pain no gain ODAAT..OAU..Ginger x

Great post.

I'm applauding q:-)>

Well done ODAAT.

Sooo so pleased things have improved for you, especially in the sleep department, think that makes a big difference.

WOW, I made the list. What an honour that is. Thank you. I like trying to help you ODAAT. Been a while since I've been on anything other than a blacklist.

Keep that head held high - right where it should be!

Morning special "K" , great Oscar winning speech if ever there was , I'm so happy your in a really good place , simply because you bloody well deserve to be , lots of hard work and determination have got you to this point and I'm so glad I've been there to witness it and walk along side you for part of it :)) keep enjoying your life Kelly . Love and best wishes to you and yours . Pops xx

Hello ODAAT! How are we?! I've been off the radar for a while but wanted to check in to see if all was well. Still trying to overcome the gambling 3 weeks gf so far and although I haven't mastered a clean break yet each month I am making just a little more progress. Where as before I'd blow all my wage and risk losing my car and everything, I haven't missed paying a single bill in about 4/5 months. And this month I even started making repayments on old credit debts. 🙂 feeling strong but not complacent. Wish me luck! Hope your good xxx

thanks for the share ODAAT. I know i'm only as honest as the decisions i make today and suffering from addiction illness just makes it so much more complicated. It demands honesty, open mindedness and change. A tough combo!!

Thanks for your post. I know you are always there and i appreciate what you do for me and everyone else on here.You really should think about becoming a counsellor!

i was very embarrassed by my recent petulant behaviour.

Yes I know i have to put more steps in place.. I know I have to break the triangle and make it hard for the madness to come back.

I am in a safer period at present. A big blow out followed by shock followed by tears and then steps to resolve things. The question is can I prevent relapse again whenever the possibility might come into my brain? For me that's why I need to have some general counselling as well as crazed gambler counselling and am going on Saturday. I think for me although I know gambling can have a life of its own and the dopamine likes its fix, I need to look at why I self destruct at times - and this is not just manifested in gambling

i am determined to keep posting.This site helps me no end. Thanks ODAAT.

Well done on 2 years!

Well ODAAT, In response to your message on my post I said I would take your advice and read day@atime's diary. I did come back on and started to look for the diary and in the process I found yours. An hour later I've read quite a lot of it and can't congratulate you enough on your fantastic achievement - 2 years -brilliant!! How proud you must feel and we'll deserved you are to feel it too!!
You've helped so many people along the way. You are an inspiration and help to many and you can add me onto that list.
Wishing you lots of future gf happiness.
Li'l miss L
Ps. I'll have to look at day@atimes diary another day!! Haha!!

Congrats on 2 years, and thanks for the post