My Diary of Shame

Progress not perfection huh ☺

Recovery is possible - it gives us hope!

Proud of you & very very veeeeeerrrrryyyyyyyyy blessed to walk beside you!

Rrrrraaarrrrr

Hi Kelly,

​You've always been totally amazing with this forum with your honest comments and observation. Keep doing what you're doing. Never mind the git who cheated on you coz you will find a love even better.

​

Brilliant ODAAT

Liberation in an unconventional situation!

I love it - society's chucked up loads of rules for how you're meant to react, a downtrodden path to go down. But you're choosing you're way and taking control. Sweet!

Louis

Pressing the non-existent 'like' button one million times to Louis' comment. That comment has really made my day 🙂

So, I finally did it...Someone @ work knows my dirty little secret & it strangely felt quite normal to say it!
There were no fanfares or fireworks & no big giant fingers shaming me from above, it's as much a part of me as my strawberry blond hair & whilst I don't choose to embrace these afflictions, I'm no longer in denial.

My relationship goes from strength to strength, though one can only imagine how since not only was I subjected to Logan but I spent an hour @ a Lego exhibition last week & am off to Star Wars today. It's strangely liberating making plans although mental note to self, maybe don't make them for the day after night duty. I nearly gave myself heart failure racing for the fast train this morning & now I'm watching static scenery through the train window half expecting the slow train to come rumbling past.

Lots of uncertainty @ work, my job itself is safe but this position may not be & even if it stays, someone's going to have to work with the team 'loser'...I have volunteered (& no, not because it is me). Goodness only knows what has come over me but someone chortled @ me the other day & said the immortal "you're so laid back!" so I punched her in the face & demanded "Are you talking to me!" Only joking, she did think I was laid back though & this feels like another huge chapter like when I tell people I was really shy & school & they don't believe me!

So, no gambling to report, still very baffled by people going back to it time & time again but I can only be responsible for my actions & today, I choose life - ODAAT

A random humble on your diary as your last paragraph has triggered a thought.

Your so right now that in lots of cases you can only be responsible for your own actions. But it's also a question I ask of myself and the answer I seek through these pages and my own psyche, but why does some *** it quicker than others. Is it the pain threshold ? I know from some ex smokers that some have just thought one morning they've had enough or just font feel well, or expensive etc and then with some they give up because there life depends on it, heart attack etc ? So is it the pain threshold ?? It's not about being weak or stronger than others.... it's about something else that im trying to put my finger on..... maybe I'm using my wrong finger ???

Am a confused man this morning as I also look at the static scenery through my train window.

May the force be with you

I imagine you as 'The women on the train ' - have you read the book?

​

ODAAT your everyday life reads like an episode of eastenders. Lots going on ha. I'm still waiting on some sort of book to be published from you though as you definitely have a knack for entertaining writing.

I am happy to report my life at the moment is very mundane and boring and most importantly gamble free for now. Day 14, yay.

Hope your well xx

ODATT
I have to take my hat off to you.
The strengh you possess, you are so eloquent with your words.
Awfully comical and intellectual.
I will most certainly have to throw you a mention when one day I give my speech once I receive my nobel prize in physics :).
Thank you so much for even taking the time to upload that post for me.
Rob

Hi Kelly,

I hope this finds you well. If you are anything like me you will have finished your picturesque commute and will be sitting in the office, a smile on you face, like you do not have a care in the world, humouring colleagues and clients, and pretending that all this c-r-a-P really matters.

I do not think your sharing your "dirty little secret" with a colleague is a bad thing. You will probably find that others are so wrapped up in their own worlds they do not think twice or you may surpsiringly find some real moral support in the most unlikliest of places. I am sure that your secret is far more sordid in your own mind that in others. I was quite brazen with my gambling habit in the office and did not have to confess to any secret as my addiction was far from a secret. I am not going to psychoanalyse myself and say I subconsciously wanted to get caught. The fact is I did not care if I did. Bottom line is I benefited from great moral support from my colleagues. I have always been proud of professing my addiction as I took great pride in overcoming it.

I am so sorry things have not been great with the other half. You mention certain "things" to have been generally lacking. I am sure it was the very same "things" - let's put is bluntly - intimacy and adventure - that led to my questionning whether there is anything more out there in life. Depression and addiction shortly followed. As many wise people have said gambling is often just a symptom of much deeper underlying pain and inadequacies.

Things are always changing at my work as well. I believe my job is safe, but you never know whose head is next going to roll, which office will open or close or which t-w-a-t you will have to deal with. An uncertaintly which does not help a recoveing addict.

I am glad you treated yourself with your wages. No doubt your over-compensated for years of things you have deprived yourself of. You have done so well in recovery and have been so supportive of others you more than deserve good things. I am almost minded to order you to go and treat yourself again!

I am mostly pleased to see that you are easily staying gamble free as this is what helps us to deal will life's little foibles most efficiently. Imaging how difficult work and home life would be if you were "chasing the dragon" - not that I am implying you are on crack or anything!

Well, I had better get back to work. Wealthy people need their legal advice and I need to milk them to pay for my own over-compensatory shopping splurge!

Make sure you take care of you - you deserve it!

Mark x

Aww, so sad, there's an old boy on the train scratching scratch cards 🙁 He's got builders hands & a dusty old rucksack with him, ripped jeans & I can't see as they're tucked away but I imagine, worn out shoes. I know there are people out there working well into retirement age, with & without gambling problems & maybe I'm a little more sensitive after a couple of full on night duties but it has literally reduced me to tears. He was concentrating hard & doing it all bit by bit which I hope means he doesn't actually have an addiction & he's put one of the cards in his pocket but I'm still sad for him, he doesn't look like he has money to spare. Other people losing has always been something that makes me sad, even when I was quite happy to 'shark' their machine (shame on me)...I don't like seeing people sad.

Today I am once again reminded how grateful I am to my recovery & everyone who has played a part in it - ODAAT

Hi Kelly,

That is really sad. I never considered scratchcards being meterial for addiction but if you earn pennies then I can see how over consumption could easily eat up your well earned dough.

I have to say, your description of a "rather scruffy" man, bless him, could quite easily refer to the vast number of betting shop patrons I have come across. There are of course the well-suited, well-scented variety of patron with a running balance of just under a grand on their FOBT who give the impression of being very successful gamblers but who are in reality "white-collar time bombs!" Either way very sad!

I hope all is well in the life of ODAAT x

FYI I was a mix between the two. Far more scruffy than I should have been as I never had money for new clothes but I never wore a suit either and never once has a grand on any FOBT. I am lucky. I did play the FOBTs towards my latter gambling days but for me the 92% or whatever return on the machines was true to form and I did not do any lasting damage. I know that had I not stopped gambling earlier this year I would have been hooked on FOBT as well as sport as two jackpots on two consecutive spins in different shops just before Christmas made me feel idiotically invincible! Winning is the worst thing to happen to a complusive gambler!

Mark x

Thank you Sesuo!

Who would of thought...4 yrs ago i hardly was able to spell my name (me nooo Eennglish) & just today i was looking up friendship counselling lol.

Those are expensive and i don't think is needed.....
Communication, respect, acceptance and commitment..i have those within me, it's just time to let these good Sandra's let out of the dark room & play huh :-)))

Thank you in believing in me. Fighting this good fight is way easier having soldiers like yourself by the side...no fighting gloves needed, violence breeds violence...peace & calm however breeds the best things in life ☺

Stay safe & will catch you later....run big Sesute RUN 😀

S

Hello Odaat,

I'm a hairy ar,se macho builder without the hairs, so i'm gonna let you into a little secret and i'm trusting that you won't reveal my true identity. But, i'm really quite a quiet softie, so i completely agree with this -

'N: Noticing

what beauty there is around us.'

I know i harp on about birds and such like. But, for the last few years especially, i've been appreciating nature so much more compared to when i was in the gambling haze. I pointed out to my boss the odd behaviour of birds before hurricane Doris, i've been lucky enough for the past nigh on 8 months rambling through farmers fields, being eyeballed by deers, donkeys and rabbits flying past. Being woke by singing birds and watching tree's sway back and forth.

This stuff is alien to me whilst i'm in the grip and yet its all around us and free......

Have a good Sunday