My Diary of Shame

Always thought that it's incredibly brave to post your innermost thoughts on a public forum. Such bravery will stand you in good stead in the future for dealing with whatever life throws your way.

That post made me sad.

Just really wish life would stop throwing at you.

Best wishes to you ODAAT

Glint FMG

Kelly.
I have had the good fortune to and honour to spend a few hours in your good company,something I enjoyed and was truly enlightened by. Your honesty will guide you and for me and my 42 years I have lived I think only we truly know what is worth holding onto with all we have.
I made one huge error of judgement in a great deal of my years in the fact I thought gambling was my best friend when in truth I could never satisfy it's lust.
I have learned something amazing from that, something I believe we share.
I wish you inner peace my dear friend,you know where to find me.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs

Hi Kelly,

"After 3 days of hurt, confusion, jealously, and love..." Found myself in tears reading your post. Not sorrow but, a mixture maybe of relief for you and selfishly for me because there have been plenty of times when I thought I was living but was really shot and didn't know better enough to just fall down. Your walking the walk girl. Something I need to get better at. I'm a sucker for second chances and a grand comeback. Sending you hugs, that's right, deal with it 😉

Some fine comments have already been.posted so i will send you my best wishes

Bal x

Thinking of you, miss your presence x

Just to let you know I'm thinking about you and wishing you happiness x

So, 'Dave' (sorry to all you Daves out there but this will always be synonymous with lying, cheating, husband user to me now), has blown it....

I have to laugh @ the irony because before he went out to meet her, we were fooling around so, I set an alarm to make sure he wouldn't be late. 'Dave' didn't & thus the drunken b*m slept through missing the last train home in breach of the very set rules of engagement. It was pretty bad timing given that I was @ work, & how I managed not to do a tannoy announcement is anyone's guess but by the same token, he could have gotten away with it. I'm not massively impressed that on realising he had blown it he saw fit to bump uglies instead of having a huge text fight with me but I guess having a brain situated between his muffin top & knobbly knees affects one's judgement! I couldn't help but wonder if the shoe was on the other foot & it was her husband or even children texting whether Belle du Jour would have been so keen to Marvin Gaye.

When I got home, I climbed defiantly into my most grannyesque PJ's & demanded he "wake up" so that I could call him all the names under the sun & generally hurl insults @ him. Don't get me wrong, I gave it a bloody good shot too but in the back of my mind was the serenity prayer & within the hour (I'm an all nighter as a rule when it comes to a juicy argument), I was dressed in lingerie befitting of a s**y 40 something & back in the comfort of what had become the new fold.

I can only imagine to the speccy, fat kid inside him, her stockings & suspenders were the equivalent of a fruit machine...He knew full well it was wrong both before & after he'd put his hands up but it didn't stop him wanting more. There was I, either asleep, or nagging him to get down the gym whilst she'd promised him the Mercedez Benz of bedroom gymnastics & to the best of my knowledge doesn't appear to have asked him to take out the bins or empty the black load once.

Anyway, bitterness aside, I would have preferred it to have happened the way he described when we played turn the clock back but it didn't & after what may be considered a breach of his human rights, the interrogation appears to be over.

I didn't want to go to GA last night, sit around a table of people who don't know me but really care about me anyway, & tell them it is ok to have an affair because it isn't. Someone asked me afterwards did I feel better for getting it out & I surrendered the non-committal shrug. I still don't think I do but I feel honest for doing so & that's a huge & more importantly, vital part of my recovery.

I'm sat on the train with butterflies now. I've spent half my wages on clothes & shoes & jewellery & products & for the 1st time since we got married, I've been invited to a team do...I look like a girl but I feel like a woman. Thank you for all the well wishes guys & girls, I will be round to see you all in time but JFT, I'm enjoying a freedom I've never known before & I don't want to miss a second.

It's out there, the life that we crave...Leave no stone unturned & keep fighting - ODAAT

Hi oddat

I wish there was some advice I could give you, but I'm rubbish at relationship advice.

I'd end up telling you to put laxatives in his tea lol.

I will say this I think you're a genuinely good person and you deserve better.

Keep fighting x

Oddat,

You will do what is best for you, and that is all I can wish for. If you want an ear, you have one here.

Julie x

How are you?

Hi Guys, thanks for your comments...

Deano: I'd have to make him Tea to do that...Any other suggestions 😉

Julie: thank you for trusting me 🙂

CW: Bizarrely, I'm feeling on top of the world 🙂

I know it sounds crazy but I can't begin to explain the difference in both my relationship & myself. I don't expect people to understand, it's not exactly normal but I wouldn't change what I have now for anything!

Without realising it, I have lived in the shadows of addiction my whole life & maybe that has clouded my judgement but after a lifetime of fearing s*x, money, failure, it doesn't scare me anymore, I don't need to be perfect. Society judging me as an addict never stopped me being an addict so why should I let society decide now whether I am happy with this or not. It's not a conventional way to have exorcised my demons & I wouldn't have chosen it to be this way but the outcome has been more than worth the pain.

I'm still going to meetings, still working my recovery but I don't feel like I'm fighting alone or for someone else anymore, I'm fighting with someone, for me. I'm sorry to anyone who has been badly hurt by an affair, I'm not condoning it but my life & my relationship has not been a conventional one & for me, this has addressed something that really needed fixing.

I'm not cured, never will be, but for now, I'm happy & for that I am truly grateful!

They do them in suppositories also 🙂

Oddat if you're happy that's all that really matters. Hope you're having a great weekend.

Deano

Odaat keep enjoying the present moment...we make the rules for our own lives. Pleased you are in a good place x

Hi Odaat just checking up on folk i remember , things seem to be going well enough for you apart from the hubbie misbehaving but you managed to stay gamble through the process which is great!! Things aint great with me, more from alcohol intake rather than my gambling but end days addiction is addiction.

Take care

Gav

Hi Kelly,

I have been thinking about you but have been so busy checking in is by no means as easy as I would like. Glad to see you are still strapped into the wagon. Seems like you are coming to terms with yourself. Not a bad thing at all. Lately I get comments - good and negative - for being too upbeat and positive. The more I get criticised though the better as I become more at one with myself each and every day and evey time somebody comments on my good humour I am pleased because it is one more affirmation that I am beating my addiction. What you said about accepting yourself is become more and more apparent. Amazing what 2 months has done. Cannot wait to be 300 days liberated in December! I am not sure whether you get a weekend off but either way I do hope you have a good one.

Mark x