My FOBT recovery

Well done John on six months of winning your sanity back and with 193 days today, your double century is getting near,

Enjoy your recovery journey and be proud of what you have achieved.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne,

Part of recovery is the mental every day battle with yourself not to gamble for so many years it is all I have known , today for the sake of my family it simply not a road I can ever consider going down again knowing our current financial status we are juggling at lot of plates at the moment.

I see Coronation Street will start to show the problems of roulette when Carla develops an addiction for the roulette , it will be interesting watching over the next few weeks to see how it is portrayed.

Hi John,

Hope all is well.. its been a while now since you last posted.

Apologies I overlooked that you sailed through the double century last week

Not been on for a while 6 weeks holidays , trying to run the business and deal with the boy who is causing havoc in and out of the house.

Living so close to Huddersfield I have been watching the bbc documentary britain at the bookies , some truly awful cover up's and the bloke from coral refused to speak to me last week on radio leeds when they had a phone in about the first episode , it amazes me what they dont show.

They seem to portray one out of work guy addicted to the fobt but in truth I have been in there many a time in my work suit , tie flash car outside and lost thousands , they will literally only show you what they want to see , even coral wouldn't show you what really happened and for one bookie shop manager to suggest the roulette doesnt make money makes me sick to the core , i even found myself swearing at the tv last week it made me so angry.

I will watch tonights episode no doubt with the same anger and plan to make myself heard on bbc radio tomorrow if it is the same carry on

So yesterday was the first time in over 200 days I fell off the wagon and gambled.

Why I ask myself , this time I know the answer.

For some weeks me and the wife have not been getting on , the lack of effort from her leaves me frustrated and angry , she knows I call her lazy yet just seems to slip into a deeper state of being lazy.

Yesterday I had gone to football , come home having had a few beers and for the first time in ages while we were sat in the pub fancied a bet on the football , went into the bookies quite drunk and ended up putting £10.00 on a horse , paid with a £20.00 and put the £10.00 in the roulette , I then spent 15 minutes putting the rest of the money in my wallet in the machine all gone , then loaded another £100.00 on my card and almost blew the lot , then the numbers I had the most money on and my trusty number 17 all dropped in within a few spins , collected over £400.00 in winnings walked outside in a haze and cried.

I should be happy id won a few hundred quid but that meant nothing to the reality of having done so well all my hard work was undone and I was back at square one.

Today is day 1 all over again , I have only been married three months and already my marriage is in pieces , unfortunately the marriage is making me unhappy which then trigered yesterdays gambling , the only real reason I haven't left my wife yet is the litte boy we have together , who is my whole life , I need to find the courage from somewhere to deceide what I want to do.

I cant carry on like this and all my recent episodes of gambling have all been a result up upset , usually the wife causing it.

Hi John,

I've just read your diary this morning and I found it interesting and very inciteful, it's such a pity you hear of your setback today.

I think I have a propensity to have problems with gambling, I've probably lost £1000's over the years, but it's never had any impact on my overall finances. I'm going to try and learn from your experiences and I thank you for sharing them.

I had an offer in the post for some online casino, for 20 totally free spins, to cut a story short, I ended up losing £100 in 5 minutes which has disappointed and concerned me. These betting companies are so devious and immoral and know how to prey on potential addicts.

Please don't give up John and keep the updates coming, focus on the positives, you've managed over 6 months without betting, next time it may be 12m or never. So pleased stay focussed despite your problems!

Hi John,

Life Is not perfect no matter who we live with, if you split up from your wife, and then had a relapse who would you blame then, we can't really blame anyone, we make our own choices to gamble or not to, as CGs we know we can't gamble because it devastates us, whether we win or lose, the feeling is the same,

You have to tackle this addiction yourself, because we can't really blame anyone or anything else, it is down to us.

This addiction can and will pounce at any time, whether we are happy, miserable, stressed whatever, it's down to us to not play, our lives will go on regardless, with the ups and downs, whether we gamble or not,

Change what you can accept what you can't, put yourself first, but we can't blame anyone else for our addiction, it's within us, and we must stay on guard. And focused even more so at vulnerable times.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

John.

Fella,gambling is your go to for escape, whatever the outcome of any episode is it's simply irrelevant, with irony I read here often that folk go back at it and 'win'. Sadly from that the real reason for arresting addiction is masked and quickly they dissappear from the forum losing sight of the big picture.

Fella I don't have the answer to your predicament, I can only talk from experience

Marriage is a union, to maintain it you have to want it to keep it, I have been with my wife for 23years,in that time we have ridden through some incredibly stormy seas, a great deal of which I brought through my own actions, but and there is a massive but, the good times outweigh the bad,our three children are proof of that.

All the time I was a functioning addict I lived with my glass half empty, addiction fed off it, I believed that I would live life holding the sh#itty end of the stick.

Recovery offers the ability to fill up that glass.

Recovery gifted you the same, look at what it's brought to the table opportunity after opportunity.

I do wholly believe in resetting the continued abstinence count,because for me it has a true value that way, but fella this is not day one of recovery for you, you are on a journey, you hit a bump in your road

You have been honest, I believe recovery gifts that.

You are at a junction my friend, just make the right choice for you.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

So I managed 200 days up until the middle of this year and then somehow and in spectacular fashion fell off the wagon.

Football betting is my weakness and part of my social / wind down on a evening would be a few beers , football on the television and a bet on the game or goal scorer.

Since August I have had one nasty spell in the bookies when I was completely hammered and lost nearly a grand within one hour , managed to recover the money from football betting and in the main in recent times I have done well betting on football.

People would say stick to football betting , but I am a compulsive gambler I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Saturday morning last week I sat playing roulette at home losing losing losing at one point some £700.00 in arrears until I managed to win it back and went out for the day , I had a few recent episodes late at night in which I had been drinking / gambled on the roulette and again managed to come away without too much financial harm being done but mentally not in a good place especially knowing the speed in which these machines take our money.

The same happened last night I had a few football bets , wasn't tired and ended up on the roulette spinning my life away , I did quite well last night , but that isn't the point.

I hit my lowest ever low about this time last year and I know if I carry on the lucky escapes will soon run out and will be back to square one , I need to get my head around all of this and need proessional help from someone.

I tried Gamcare counselling a few years ago but it wasn't for me , really stuck in a deep hole and after the good start I built up this year need to get back to where I was then.

Given it is so near to Christmas I cannot keep going down the road of playing roulette when I am upset , things dont go my way or simply that I want to escape the real world for a few hours.

When things are good on the roulette my body is literally on cloud nine but the downside of course if the majority of times when things go sour , you have all life sucked out of you and literally feel so angry that the money is gone.

I have been following a lady on social media for a long time now and signed up to her calmer you programe , the plan is when I feel like I do and the urge to go on the roulette I will listen to her therapy sessions instead.

I know I cannot do this on my own and later down the line I really o need to look at professional help , at the moment I wouldn't know where to turn.

It sounds like alcohol weakens your defences & then you gamble. Do you think alcohol is an issue? I used to be the same & stopping drinking helped.

I think around certain friends and after a few beers it doesn't help , you find in drink you also become less mindful of the amounts you have spent.

I mean who in there right mind spinds £32 on roulette in one go.

So Yesterday was one of the lowest points in my whole life to date.

I haven't been doing so well recently because a few big wins got my confidence going again and told myself id "paid for Christmas" , last night I came up to bed at around 10am disappointed I had lost all my weekend football bets , logged onto roulette for a quick £10.00 as you do and deposited £100 after £100 , some numbers came in , others didn't , the number that did come in I never had enough on and set here in hell until 3pm this morning , at one point I had lost £2000 and wondering what on earth I was doing , I didn't feel anything however a voice in my head new it was getting the most out of hand it had ever got and the scary thing was I wasn't ready to stop feeding it money , I dont know how but in the end I managed to claw my money back , win £500.00 and go to bed.

This proves to me that no matter how good or bad I think I am at sports betting , whatever I gamble on , if I lose I want to chase and chase and chase , I cannot win because I cannot stop.

So here goes with day one - I have done it before and will do it again , for my family and my own sanity.

Back on the road to recovery.

Day 2.

No phones after 6pm , went to bed at 8 last night and slept 12 hours , no suprise after being up on Sunday until the early hours.

Doing a lot of soul searching and trying to get back into the mindset I was in about this time last year.

My two key aims are to block out the fobt and come 5 - 6pm on a night stop using my mobile phone.

Day 2 is the harest of them all.

I moved out of Bradford some time ago to get away from the hustle and bustle of bookies being rubbed in your face , the village I lived in was surrounded by bookies and it was impossible to avoid them all when out for a few beers.

I moved to a sleepy village just outside Bradford with no bookies for a good few miles , however today I had to visit my mum and pass all my old betting shop haunts , made me shake with fear because I know the next big loss will really ruin me inside and out.