My heart hurts - Day 1

I read your entire story this morning and I can not imagine entirely how you must feel but I have some idea due to my own cycle through compulsive gambling. Coming to the end of the cycle can be very sobering. It sounds like you still have the good job and some savings? And a wife and child. Blessings. Keep on sharing and all the best from this point on. tara2

Wow please whatever you do sign over what money is left and come clean. You need the support of people around you to help you stop. The money has gone it's not worth chasing any more. Be strong you can do it

Yep. This is pretty much my story. It's hard to forget about those huge wins but I keep reminding myself that actually, a gamble free future gives me security. No more of those crazy ups and downs.
The hard thing is to recognise that, it isn't that we're bad at gambling or just unlucky. We just can't stop when we should. We never will and that isn't going to change no matter how many times I tell myself it will.
Keep at it mate. Today was my first very tough day where I nearly gambled but I came here, had a rant on my thread, read some of the success stories and I didn't do it. I felt pretty messed up for a large part of the day but feel proud of myself now.
If I didn't do it today, I can manage again tomorrow.

I can understand fully what you have been going through. It’s a horrible place to be in, the sick dark world of a compulsive gambler, and it’s one that you need to fight hard to get out of. I was on the verge of losing everything, including my life, but slowly GA has helped me rebuild my life and I love my life now. Get to GA meetings, give control of your money over to wife, and hard as it may be in those first few months, it will get better. I remember my wife going through my bank accounts online. It was how much I had won that upset her more. But this illness will always be with you, you can never beat it, it will never be cured. You can never bet again, but you can learn to understand why you bet, control those feelings and emotions and turn your whole life round. You have to want it, you have to be prepared to look deep inside yourself, be honest and not like what you see. It’s a long journey but if you put the commitment in your life will get better. Just for today I will not gamble.

Thank you for your kind comments everyone.

Yesterday I chose again to gamble and I feel wretched. I was going to go and collect my wifes birthday cake and literally had it in my mind, go on the laptop or leave the door. I logged in and reversed a withdrawal (How in this World where Responsible Gambling is supposedly such a big thing, that reversals are still allowed? I know we all have a choice but still this pains me so much). I lost that withdrawal that when I set this page up I said I would not touch. Why didn't I exclude then, take a break, anything to stop me reversing that payment that was 3/4 months wages.

It has spurred me into more action though, yesterday I excluded all accounts I can find, I have put motions in place to sell our car and hopefully beat this. I cannot tell my wife, not just yet I have no idea how I can cause someone I love so much as much pain as I will. She knows something is wrong as I say, I cried in the car yesterday and came home and I think she knew but I will get there in time.

I don't know what to do more about the feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, hurt, denial that are eating me up. We were supposed to go to Disneyland this year but I skirted around the issue and managed to cancel it as we hadn't actually paid for anything but it was planned. Now I'm having to live with the idea that we will never go and that kills me.

I work for myself, but I'm bad at it. I work in web site design so I'm sat at a PC and because I've not had to put any real effort into it for the last 5 years then I don't know how to do it properly. My self esteem is so low that I do not believe why people pay me for it but I need to focus and get some clarity, I just don't know how.

Thanks again for your comments, LG I'm sorry to read that mate. I hope you are doing ok today as our stories seem very similar. ODAAT I WILL NOT GAMBLE.

Hi samba I'm wife of a cg. Don't make rash decisions in your state of mind. Don't sell the car without thinking about it properly. My cg has often had crazy ideas, let's move, let's cash in endowment, he's sold his watch etc. All he did with it was gamble. I know you don't want to tell but you need to. You need support, you need someone to take away the finances. You need online blocking software. You need GA as others have said. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Once you confess you are accountable. Your wife will find out eventually, it's better to tell.

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Hi Samba79,

A very honest story, mirrored on here a thousand times, what helps me is every two or three days I force myself to remember a time when I had a massive loss, that gut wrenching horrible feeling. On the outside you are fine and smile to others but inside you are being cut hundreds of times by a sharp blade, its agony.

Good luck Samba79, you are in the right place for advice and encouragement, you can beat this, 100%.

Shaun

That's tough mate - must be hard working at a computer all day with those temptations - self-exclusion and blocking is defo the way forward. I know it seems bleak at first but we can get there over time. Just keep imagining that place in a few years time where the debts are less and there is more security in your life.

Don’t know how but I told my wife everything last night, but only after I had found another place and lost some more. I feel horrendous. Another 6/7 losses in a row when playing Blackjack, strange how it’s never the other way isn’t it.

My wife seems to have taken it better than she should be, I explained that I want to end it (not that I ever would but the feelings are there) and she said that’s not an option.

I have already excluded from 99% of places I could think of but I’ve registered with so many. I am going to call Gamcare this morning.

I have one debt that is killing my mind as I don’t know what to do with it, it’s for my wife’s car which is worth around £9500 but the loan is £12000 to pay off. That £9500 would help hugely for the next few months just as a cushion but the repayments on the loan would eat it up quickly with other Outgoings.

I have no idea how I can concentrate on my work to even think about bringing money in and working in my current state. It would be easier if I was just turning up for work and putting in my shift but I cannot sleep, cannot think of anything else.

Don’t know what to say but I just wanted to type it out. Cannot believe my wife she amazes me even more. She could have threw me out, attacked me or anything but she was quite calm once the initial shock and upset has subsided an hour later. Good luck everyone.

Hi samba, it's great you've told your wife. In my situation it was better if I took over finance. It will stop you thinking about loans and payments. You must stop your access to online gambling, either hand over the credit cards, cancel them, online blocks, self exclusion. You need to start thinking about today, don't worry about tomorrow. If you can't sleep at all, go to your gp. Sleep deprivation messes with your head. Try and find a GA meeting. Get some support for your wife. I heard someone say 'don't think about never gambling again, just don't have the first bet'. Just focus on not doing it today.

Thanks merry go round I am currently in the middle of self excluding from everywhere but over 10 years gambling this is taking a while but once done I will add the blocks in place. I'm so annoyed that I did not do this already but again I thought I could gamble my way out of this as crazy as that all is.

I don't know how I will ever justify hurting my loved ones in this way.

You won't be able to justify it so it's not worth trying. Mr L has never been able to explain it to me adequately and I've come to accept it's not going to happen.What you can do is show them with actions, not words what you are doing to shut down your access to gambling. After SE install blockers to every device you use to gamble and get your wife to set passwords. Do without anything you can't block. A little inconvenience is a small price to pay. Hand over financial control to every single account shown on every single agency's credit report and find you nearest GA meeting where they will 'get it' in a way non gamblers never will.I agree with the advice to think before disposing of assets. Mr L was full of ideas about downsizing at one stage. If we had I would have resented him for a very long time. If you get rid of the car how is your wife going to get about? She could well end up with some clunker of a wheelbarrow that needs constant cash injections to keep moving.

It would be a good idea for your wife to find some support for herself. Non judgemental friends and family would be a good place to start alongside more formal groups like Gamanon.

Thank you for those words Lethe.

I guess it's easier said than done but looking at the pain I have caused her today is something that will stay with me forever and at this moment I cannot think of anything worse than putting another hand of blackjack on the table. The car thing was just me panicking because it's the only thing apart from the house that has any value to it, I realise this is a stupid way of looking at it but we do have two cars at the moment and only need one. Mine is going to go because it's a case of just handing it back and now paying the amount I was paying on an outstanding loan that we have.

We do have some savings and I work for myself as a web site designer albeit pretty much part time while I have been gambling with some jobs I am in the middle of but just cannot concentrate at present. It will be nice to wake up in the morning to my first ever day 2 and slowly going from there.

Thanks again.