My heart hurts - Day 1

Waking up as I enter Day 3 GF.

Can honestly say that this entire thing and my wife finding out what I’ve done to our future has petrified me so much that I cannot think of ever gambling again. Had no urges or anything i’m just so scared. Have self excluded from everywhere I can find, they don’t make it easy!

Wife has been incredible. She’s told her mum who I think has calmed her down a little but she seemed a bit better last night although I know will still be hurting.

Have started to look at permanent jobs instead of my self employment which I don’t think I can pursue going forward as I’ve not really been 100% into it as I’ve been sat gambling and never needed to concentrate on it fully so not sure where to start. It may be hand holding or being treat like a baby but going back into the World of a permanent 9-5 is something I need so I can switch off from everything with a regular wage coming in.

Keep seeing reminders EVERYWHERE for how stupid I’ve been, car I was going to buy, holiday adverts, even songs on the radio all reminding me of what I’ve done. Tough at the moment.

Rang Gamcare yesterday and poured my heart out unintentionally on the phone when trying to give simple details to set up counseling. Got a call back but that can’t be sorted for 3/4 weeks with the counselor being on holiday which is a shame as I would like to have had a date set.

Off away today on a caravan holiday we had planned so will see where next week takes us.

Was at the beach yesterday with my little one, was actually nice to not have my phone on connected to my PC at home with slot offers running even though all I could think of was the stress and upset I have caused.

Have to make plans to return my car this week and keep my wifes. No way on Earth can we do both so that needs sorting. Everything is still a bit raw but thanks for reading.

Entering Day 6 of being GF.

Been some very frank discussions this weekend about where we need to save money and move on from this. I cannot muster up enthusiasm for anything at the moment and cannot stop thinking about what I've done and from looking on here I see that those thoughts never really pass so no idea how that is going to go as it's killing me more each day with how stupid I have been.

Positives - My wife has been very helpful even know I know she must be hurting and angry. Said that we are back to square one from when we met and that we are lucky to have some money there and not be totally broke but BIG changes are needed. She has taken control of all of our remaining savings which we need to fight to keep and then move forward. I am just about to complete a job application which would give me time to switch off and I am reducing my self employment to a part time basis to try and top up the permanent wage when I do get a "proper" full time job.

Still so mad at myself. We were living comfortably except for me constantly gambling but even two weeks ago we had money in the bank that could have kept us comfortably for a few years and that's gone, that's what makes it so hard to accept what I've done, even giving up smaller things like my football as we've decided is another blow.

I'm sure we all feel this but if we knew at the time of playing those hands, reversing those withdrawals, playing that money and what it would feel like compared to all of this heart break and pain then I'm sure NO-ONE would EVER have played those hands, span those reels.

Good luck everyone and thanks for reading again.

Samba, you are doing great. You have not gambled for 6 days and you have come clean with your wife which is a massive achievement in itself and the sort of foundation you need to live a gamble free life.

It is very early days. The gambling haze as I call it has likely still not cleared from your head and you will feel anxiety and regret, boredom and perhaps the dread of going through life without a punt. These thoughts will fade in a couple of weeks and before you know it you will be functioning more normally if there is such a thing.

Just don't be so hard on yourself. You did not choose to become an addict. You must not look back. Take each day as it comes and focus on making each day and the future better.

You are in an enviable position compared to many of us on the forum. It seems that you have a very supportive wife and do not appear to be in crippling debt which is a blessing.

Try and enjoy those thing you enjoy before gambling took its toll and take each day as it comes and you will realise how much better life is before you know it

You are doing great. Try not to blow this chance as so many have to hit rock bottom first and is very much a place to avoid. We are rooting for you.

Best wishes,

Markman

Thank you Markman, I do realise I have been one of the luckier ones if that is the right term to use as I do have something left although it doesn't feel "lucky"!

We have one outstanding loan for a large amount but it's not crippling as yet, but does need to be urgently looked at.

Wishing you well mate, thanks again.

Day 8.

Feel totally sick to the pit of my stomach today, to the point of almost throwing up in the car on the way to my daughters dance competition.

I don’t think I’ve ever had anxiety so not sure if this is it but struggling to function and see a way out of this.

I think it’s a fear that for now I don’t want to gamble at all while we have a little there but the thoughts of the lost money, all the lost opportunities we will never have back makes me feel so incredibly sad and pathetic I don’t know where to turn.

Hi Samba79,

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with some physical side effects which you believe might be connected to anxiety. It might be a good idea to monitor how you’re feeling in the next days, and if necessary check in with your G.P.

Please don’t feel you are alone with this; there is additional help available through our HelpLine 0808 8020 133 and NetLine from 8am-midnight each day and I would encourage you to get in touch, we are here to support you.

It is good to read that you are facing your recovery head-on and that you are receiving support from forum members and the people around you.

Well done on 8 days gamble-free, and keep posting on the Forum.

All the best,

Forum Admin

You don't regret what u haven't won u regret what you've lost...doesnt make sense why you want to keep pressing the button..but I keep bloody doing it..no more!! Any advise
appreciated

10 Days now GF. Am feeling a few urges but have blocks in place so cannot do anything but pretty worried about the future.

Had a few set backs today, am unable to send back my car until I pay nearly 5k more on the finance for it. Will have to seek some advice about what to do in the future with it and also didn't even get an interview for a job I thought I had a good chance for.

Disappointments but I'm very well used to this and feeling down so can't get too downhearted.

Hello Samba79,

Sorry to hear about the bad news you've had. Setbacks give contrast to breakthroughs and as much as they can hurt you've gotta just keep pushing forwards. Keep making the right choices and you give yourself a slight edge in the long run. Don't get too down about it, we can only try our best.

Have a good weekened mate.

All the best.

Thanks SJ.

Day 14 now. Was saying to myt brother that I feel a bit like someone that has come out of prison and is trying to rebuild their life from that point on.

I work for myself and my skills seems so out of date with what is asked in other roles when I have been looking that I am looking at a total change in career if possible. Something that keeps me away from computers and I'm looking into driving.

I'm seeing it as very long hours, but if that keeps me away from a PC and laptop (even though I do have blocks in place) then that would help but it's a huge change to what I have been used to all of my life.

Not sure I'm mentally in a place to be making such big changes at the moment and still very up and down mentally, but still. 2 weeks free of the pain of losing money is a good thing.

Sadly back to 0 days.

Think I was kidding myself and didn’t hand over total control away from myself and as I imagine would happen in a lot of cases my Blackjack bets got more and more progressive and after an incredible run of luck one way I have lost it all again not knowing when to stop.

Spent some time today finally closing those doors I didn’t bolt before and have also added my information on Gamstop so now there is no way back. I feel low and angry again as to why I would put myself in this position again but am no worse off than we were a few weeks ago.

Have my first meeting with a counselor tomorrow which has taken a few weeks since I started this thread but just wish I could really nail this and at least try to get on with my life without all of this. So disappointed in myself again.

Day 1.

Tough one today, gutted that I am back in this position when I had managed to move forward a little only to go what feels 5 steps back.

Did see a counselor today for the first time. I’m not sure how I felt about it, hopefully will get a bit more from future sessions but was really preoccupied with sending documents off that I thought could have waited till after the session.

Wish badly that I could compartmentalise things and try to look at the present never mind the future but the guilt is mind numbing. Sorry i’m rambling but I don’t feel too cohesive today and can’t wait to just get to bed and sleep.

Good luck everyone

Hi Samba

Councelling was a massive step in my recovery, there is always a deep rooted reason for our addiction and finding that, looking into it and dealing with it are all steps to recovery. Good luck and have a good, gamble free weekend. First target for you 1 week without gambling.

All the best.

Matt