My journey..

Hi Tizzy

Hope you enjoyed your Thai dinner.

Another tough weekend for me, feels like most are at the moment. Working during the week is intense and brings stress, the weekend brings different challenges of staying occupied, being productive, not thinking about the past too much, not thinking about the future too much, just trying to live in the present and accept.

That new book I got 'Might Bite' was brilliant - reflective of various members on here and of myself in some ways, but different as after gambling for 13 years he managed to stop at a young age. Keep saying I could write a book about my gambling experiences and life but it wouldnt sell because I'm not famous, different for professional sports people.

I've said before that a good drama can allow you to indulge and forget about real life for a while, so in that sense there is some similarity to the 'escaping' part of gambling. The dating site is proving similar, as it has done  during periods on them in the past. Got to be conscious that this is a gambling recovery site so cant really go into detail of my experiences on the site, much as I'd like to share with you 😉 . Suffice to say I'm avoiding the obvious pitfalls and just chatting and flirting.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Sorry you are not in a good place at the moment, appreciate it’s difficult to expand on here but I hope things get better for you soon.

Have Chloe and Trigger Point recorded but not got to them yet. Been watching the Bay this week, fairly average but worth watching but also carries a lot of really unnecessary foul language. When I think back to hard hitting programmes at 900pm when I was a kid like The Professionals and The Sweeney there was no use of the f word so why is it necessary in a much more timid seaside drama?

I do recall Stars In Their Eyes and apparently the new Sat night show Starstruck is based on that although I haven’t watched it.

Im not spending nearly as much time on the dating site as you might imagine ? but it does provide an option and an escape as you say. Whether it’s a better escape than gambling is open to question ?.  But I am conscious of the need to get out more and not spend so much time looking at screens both in and out of work. 

Hope you enjoy the weekend.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

We have much in common gambling wise but you dont like being on your own and I prefer it.

You should have said you were on your own this weekend, I could have dropped round 😉

Sure I can relate to having gambled and not enjoyed it. It just became a habit. So there were the 'normal/good' gambles when I selected something in advance, based on knowledge, the bad gambling for escaping and stress relief and chasing losses. But Yes worst of all is just when you 'just do it' - no excuse, no reason, none of the above applied, but I just wandered to the bookies or logged on online and started gambling. Told myself it was how I was meant to be, I was just meant to spend a lot of my life gambling and the little beast inside me needed to be fed, didn't need a reason.

There's no point listing all the things you *could* do to stop online gambling - you know what they are, you need to really *want* to do it.

As regards your OH and the money you owe, trying to be positive, at least its not a creditor who you need to pay each money and who is charging you interest. But I can relate a lot to the situation - you may recall I mentioned before that a family member loaned me money, it was small amounts of £100 and £200 at a time but it was over a 15 year period and of course the amount built up. Why did they lend me money - well they cared about me, felt sorry for me, gave in to regular pleadings, which although started off as lies, soon became honest requests for money for gambling such as 'because I couldn't get through the weekend without my football bet' and they didnt like seeing me in that state and thought they were helping. They werent mega rich by any means but the money they lent me didnt have a negative effect on their life. But eventually when I had debts of loans and overdrafts etc. as well we agree to 'write it off'. Will always be a cloud hanging over me but I've had to accept there's no way I could ever pay them back.

You are heading in the same direction - you owe OH 24k - ok so tell him to pay you £500 a month less for 4 years, start now. And tell him never to lend you anything again, regardless of how much you beg. You know the amount will only increase otherwise. I really wouldnt want you in a 'write off' situation like me.

And Yes the Ukraine position should make us be thankful for what we have.

Had to log off chat after 20 mins last night - conversation all about how great a feeling you get when you dont gamble - completely different to anything I've ever experienced during my periods of abstinence where there has always been a huge gap / void and its just a constant battle to fight urges and keep busy. But respect other's feelings and pleased for them, this addiction affects in differing ways.

Are we still doing the game? f is for First, in line with one of my mottos - 'Winning is everything, 2nd is nowhere'

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Sorry to hear that you are under the weather, hope you feel better soon.

I agree there are a range of different types of people with our addiction and Yes some will naturally feel better/recovered, some train their brains not to miss gambling and there are a whole load of factors for this I believe, based on types of gambling, how long they gambled, how excessively, whether they have other things in their lives that maybe dont replace gambling but still fill a void etc. You and I are in one of the most unfortunate categories where regardless of how long we abstain for, we still have cravings and urges 🙁

I've watched Chloe and found that quite good. Not started Trigger point yet.

I'd like to say work is better but it isnt, and cant see the clouds shifting anytime soon but some days are better than others and I am too old to take up a different career 🙂

re the dating site, some headlines as you are so intrigued:

a. It works quite traditional such that there is more men contacting women than vice versa

b. Some women block you for no apparent reason i.e. you could just say 'How are you today?' and then get a blocked message ( maybe they check profile and it just doesn't appeal but feels impolite )

c. Some women ask you for 'pictures' so thats when I block them !

d. There are 'bots' on the site which you can easily identify when they return a message very quickly i.e. automated response 

e. In the past I have chatted to women nearby with intention of meeting. This time given no intention of meeting I am talking to women who stay a distance away and just chatting and flirting but no more than that - passes some time and can be quite good fun

Back to work now.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Firstly no improvement with my Mother and doubt there will be really, just something we have to deal with at our age, having elderly parents who dont keep well for one reason or another and rely on us more.

Got to the end of Trigger Point, thought it was really good until the ending which I didnt like and didn't think really fitted. Also watched No Return which passed 3.5 hours but was in the average category for me.

Sad to read of your latest 'bender', you did so well for so long keeping away from online but it has become all too regular again recently. You say you need to stop completely but if I'm being honest I read that and think that  it is a typical reaction following a bad loss, or series of bad losses. Taking a hard line, I think I would need to hear you keep saying it for a good couple of weeks or so to think you really meant it.

Sure gambling messes up our heads and converts us into Jekyll and Hyde characters where when we are the gambler we behave in ways not in line with the real person we are, and we understandably, after the event do not like the character we become while gambling and afterwards. Why would we? No-one wants to be a person who casually throws away big money based on chance, feels remorse and regret afterwards, lies about things, has a negative impact on our friends and family.

I need to focus on your statement 'I cannot be bothered with anything other than gambling' . It is typical of a compulsive gambler but very worrying. Whilst we have a reliance on gambling as an escape, means of de-stressing,  hobby, to get a buzz etc., most of us some of the time will have some other things in life which are meaningful. And you do - your OH, your daughter, your grandson, your Mum and Dad etc. so you need to focus on those other things/people.

You say you have become a shadow of the real you. Maybe thats something to spend time thinking about - who is the real Tizzy - is it the person who existed before you became a CG? And what values did you have, what interests did you have, what gave you a buzz, what did you look forward to? I have gone through that thought process myself, both on my own and with counsellors, and it was true for me, the real Captain was the guy many years ago who played football, enjoyed work, looked forward to nights out with friends etc. before gambling took over and became No.1 and changed me. 

Here to support you as you take steps forward every day BFF.

It aint going away, It just wont quit.

Captain

Hi BFF Tizzy

So sorry to hear you have COVID, I hope it doesn't last much longer. I have managed to avoid it so far. They say everyone will get it at some point so maybe just a matter of time.

I havent watched the Holiday yet, will let you know if I share your views 🙂 . Started Our House last night, Yes enjoying it so far, will finish watching it over the weekend.

Thinking I need some sort of holiday this year, not been away since 2019, I know thats the same for a lot of people. But its easy to get out of the habit of going away. Managed to just take my Leave in single days over last 2 years except for Christmas.

To be clear, I am not on dating site(s) plural, just the one !! 🙂 . And sure I could share more detail if I was only writing to you and not Gamcare / the world on here !

In terms of sharing, I have had more pictures shared with me which I haven't requested and dont want or need to see, and have had more pictures requested for me to send. Could do without correspondence from those users. Also some conversations where women just want to share their problems in their lives, tell me how bad their previous relationships were etc. so with them I need to be some sort of agony Uncle if I can be bothered. But there are the nice conversations too where I seem to 'hit it off' and there is some sort of connection and some common interests or experiences ( but definitely dont mention gambling at all 🙂 )

Most evenings I therefore choose between watching drama, reading stuff online, watching football highlights, reading a book when I have one, chat on here and the dating site. They all have some benefit in terms of switching off / escaping. Obviously the chat on here and the dating site are the only two which provide interaction, and to honest both can be a hit or a miss depending who is around.

Big event for many next week which will cause issues and be very difficult. Same every year.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Glad you are recovering from the Covid. Numbers are going up in some areas again. Hope I can avoid it.

Agreed re the Our House ending, been a few dramas recently which were a good watch but disappointing ends. I’m halfway through the Holiday now, will let you know what I think when completed. 

Speaking of holidays, I’m still weighing up the pros and cons of going away. Yes it would be a change of routine but despite being a loner I’ve found it challenging going away on my own in the past, different at home where I’m happy in my own company. 

You say about Spring in the air, I know most people say January is their worst month but it’s probably March or April for me with a whole spring and summer to face. Much prefer Autumn and Winter as you know.

Hope you keep telling me you have no intention of gambling.

Tizzy has no intention 

Gamstop and willpower are the prevention 

Give something else the attention 

Like your grandson I could mention 

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Sorry to hear that you still have Covid.

Totally agree with you re the debate you were having - someone cant consider themselves gambling free if they have no ammunition available but then gamble again when they do.

Glad you still have no intention of gambling.

I've been gambling again. Could come up with any number of excuses - work stress, frustration, boredom. big horse racing week, bad time of year for me but none of them are valid of course. Well at least not on their own, but I'd say too many of these feelings all hit me at once and I was just fully engulfed by the beast inside me and couldn't stop myself acting. Given my circumstances and financial situation there isnt much damage done. I do of course feel regret, and whilst I would definitely NOT type this as any sort of indication to any other CG that it is ok to have a blowout once in a while, I do also feel some sense of relief.

Hopefully it has been a one-off occasion or at least the last for a while, but I do need to re-consider what alternative coping mechanism I could have used for a future time.

This is a lifelong illness. Well done to those who manage to abstain and are able to do so for the rest of their lives. I have never said I wouldnt gamble again, my feelings and experiences over the years have taught me that to say that would be foolish. How often do we say it but I hope the feeling of regret that I have is more powerful than the feeling of relief as I get back on the right road again.

P.s. the ending of 'The Holiday' was another bad one to add to the recent collection.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Agreed you and I could write a good drama with a decent ending, and Yes easier if it was gambling themed :-), although I'm not sure a gambling themed drama should have a happy ending, probably better if it didnt to act as  a tough real life lesson to CGs watching it!

You asked what was different  - if I score each of the areas I quoted, then currently work stress is affecting me most - very busy and high pressure each day just now. Also most of those I work with are 'a bunch of kids' in comparison to me, and many around my age have either retired already or are planning to soon. None of this is going to change, and it makes me feel old and sad with retirement for me not ever going to happen. But ultimately the work stress on its own wouldnt have caused me to gamble, it had to running alongside the other things I quoted, just a build up over last few months and I just had to explode. Too early yet to have come up with an alternative for next time yet but I'll be thinking about it. One other thing to mention is that a big part of my recovery cycle has been reading my 'Stone Of Life' and spending time thinking about my non-gambling related highlights of my life. I havent done either of those as much recently, to be honest they became monotonous and were becoming too repetitive and with some reducing meaning. Part of me says I need to get back to them, but also I need to consider their benefit if they become similar to reading the same book over and over.

I get what you are saying about never withdrawing - from what you describe I dont think I was as bad for that as you were, I did withdraw regular when winning, but then sometimes feel into the trap later that day of using the dreaded 'reverse withdrawal' option. But again I have to stress that this was when doing random gambling, when I did my 'strategic' advanced stuff and it won, I was just satisfied and withdrew without thinking about it. But this is also where it was best in the past when I gambled at the bookmakers - you couldn't NOT withdraw (although the challenge then was to pay the money into the bank instead of carrying it around with you and gambling it again!). I was always one for loving having a wedge of money in my pocket, made me feel good :-), I likened it to Arthur Daley in 'Minder' - ' I never leave the house without a grand in my pocket Terry' 🙂

Hope you are enjoying the weekend and you still have no intention of gambling.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain

P.s. I see your post was edited by Forum Admin - hope there was nothing important I missed which they removed! 

Hi Tizzy

Lot of newbies on here this week, happens every year after the racing festival, its a pivotal time for people realising they have a problem. 

Thanks for clarifying re the shopping, suspected as much but better to be clear and honest. I'm doing ok following my episode, hasn't had too much effect but I'm continuing to ponder my direction in general and also how to avoid a recurrence at least for a while.

Do you find the other group you belong to better than on here or similar? Must admit I havent tried any other Forums. Tried GA as you may have read/recall and it wasnt for me. Agree that we can be great at giving out advice but doesn't always mean we can follow it ourselves. Sometimes I think of that both on chat on here and when I have commented on diaries in spells over the years - hopefully sometimes my advice has helped but I'm also conscious of being hypocritical. But we are not alone - many do the same - I'd say the longer you have gambled and the more you have researched and experienced the methods and tools available to us, it qualifies us to give advice. Some have been 'clean' for maybe a month though and give advice like they have all the answers.

Thanks for the advice on Holding - had it recorded but wont waste my time with it. 'The Split' is returning soon for a last series - quite enjoyed that last time round.

Any more news on your Dad, you haven't mentioned him for a while?

Got a couple of challenging days at work ahead - sitting here tonight contemplating what to say in certain meetings - choice of speak my mind or bite my tongue - not easy.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Great that you are away for the weekend, really hope you benefit from it.

And Yes shenanigans is a great word, which I’ve used regularly over the years ?

I took your advice and didn’t bite my tongue at work, not sure it was the right thing but we will see.

I really feel for your Dad, just never ending issues, must be a worry.

Been a tough week not just on work front. For one I’ve been gambling again. And also something has kicked in to hit me hard that I have wasted so much time over the years just basically surviving and not doing anything with my life. Hit me like a bolt from the blue, thoughts of a number of things I could have been doing and haven’t. And I can’t blame it all on gambling, although it has been a factor. Feel sick and numb about it, feels like a pivotal week in my life.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi BFF Tizzy

Thanks for the unconditional support. You know it works both ways, always.

Really glad you enjoyed your weekend away and agreed we all need things to look forward to, whether for an hour, a weekend or longer, and the better we enjoy things the more of a downer we can be on afterwards. Dont think thats just CGs, would say thats the same for most humans. But CGs and other addicts may be more impacted and it can certainly be a trigger to act.

To be clear, I have 2 slips recently now. Agreed I havent posted my daily score for a while, certainly a 1 on both of those days, other days recently a spread of 4, 5 and 6. 

I have had trouble putting the past behind me for as long as I can remember, but what I experienced last week was a different level. Normally my bad decisions and regrets surface in my thoughts, but I havent before come up with such a list of things in my head that I have missed, could have done, should have done. Its like someone played a film before me titled 'This could have been your life' . Has really left me stunned and in a bad way. And as I said in my post to Slow, my gambling slips are nothing really in comparison to how I feel generally at the moment.

Feel so much pressure to go out to things, just to tell people I've been somewhere, done something. Even though doing so is unlikely to be enjoyable, will cost money I dont have, will stress me out based on the 'You are never more alone than in a crowd' saying and would have been at the event clock watching and wishing it was time to go home.

re the counselling, I've lost count of how many counsellors I've seen over the years, its at least 6, some were more helpful than others. Without meaning to sound like a 'know-it-all', I think I do really, its acting on it which is difficult, and in some respects not possible for me.

Doubtless I can add value to other CGs, but maybe I should stay off the chat just now, I really dont deserve the time of others giving me advice and feeling sorry for me after so long on here. Plus I still have a couple of members who are enemies and laughing at my current downfall. I dont care, but no point joining chat and getting into petty conversation. 

Hopefully I'll feel a bit more upbeat soon and our posts can be a bit more cheerful and even get back to some of the games we were adding.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

I have an image of you stuffing your face with the jelly tots now but I have no idea what you look like so my image is probably nothing like the real Tizzy 🙂 . I am sure if we met in real life our visions of each other would be completely off the mark!

You are giving me all the support you can, no more you can do, and as ever it works both ways.

And Yes easier said than done to not be concerned about the perception of others, but there is simply no-one else in the office who doesn't share stories of their spare time activities. It is a real effort to just come up with dismissive responses, its a combination of not doing much in comparison and also being a private person, being unwilling to share. I type on here for the world to read which dramas I watch for instance, but I dont engage and share with work colleagues on even stuff like that.

On 'my way or the highway', I have quoted those exact words on many occasions on here in the past and it used to really annoy me that some other members thought there was only one route to recovery and that a 'slip' and being back at 'Day One' was the end of the world. Current members are a lot more open to different routes than some members from the past.

I have once again referred back to my trusted reading material to try and get back on track. One book is called

' This Too Will Pass'  - it really helps but at the same time I do sometimes read it and think, how many times in one person's life do you have to say 'This Too Will Pass' in the hope of a brighter future time.

I'd rather life was up but sometimes I get down

I've never been in a circus but sometimes I'm just a clown

I've earned enough to be a millionaire 

But I'm a CG thats not fair

I'm a good guy at heart but I love to bet

The sun shines but I'd rather be wet

For gambling money away I'm top of the class

Going through a difficult time but this too will pass

Give me some info on what you are up to and we can get away from the focus on my recent downhills.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Went in to edit my profile just as an experiment after you asked about it - looks like you are able to change your display name ( which you have done) but not your username, or at least you can’t do it yourself, so suggest you contact Forum Admin.

Not sure I can get used to calling you Miss Marple ? but I’ll give it a go. For the record I can’t stand the Miss Marple films ?

Totally get that you are wary of someone identifying you, that has been a concern of mine over the years, and Yes does make it restrictive as to what you can say. I do tend to keep my language used very generic so as to not be easily associated with my workplace, local area etc. Some other users are more open.

Why are we like that, well probably for me a sense of shame. No problem admitting my issues and my CG illness on here and all the impacts of it, but having a conversation with someone in real life to describe how much money I’ve lost over the years, how much in an hour or so many times, how I’ve borrowed money under false pretences, how my life has descended into chaos and I’ve not had or taken opportunities to do ‘normal’ things, well it’s just easier to put the mask on and be the pretend person and give people an image of who I am.

Drama wise I’m on the Fear Index just now, not top class but passes some time. The dating site has gone off the Agenda for now following my slips, not got the enthusiasm for it just now. 

Take a day at a time and some days will become better than others.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Great that you are staying away from online, long may it continue.

I continue to be more affected by my dramatic awakening to what could have been than I am by my couple of blips, which financially are nothing in the wider scheme of things.

Yes the mini-heatwave has been followed by a cold spell, preferable to me ?, I can do without the added peer pressure of having to feel wonderful because the sun is shining.

I have booked for a couple of events coming up. I am already nervous about attending. But I have to try something. And if I just can’t face it when the time comes then I won’t go.

I’m not sure about that phrase you quoted - certainly we are not responsible for being addicts but it’s not so easy to take responsibility for our recovery, to me that sounds like when you admit to being an addict and want to stop you suddenly can be in control and do all that  is necessary. In my experience it isn’t like that, the beast is still inside me and ok not as frequently as before but it takes over me and I can’t say No. Plus even aside from not gambling, there are many other aspects of recovery which some, me included find difficult or even impossible to handle. So we can all do our best, but No I don’t believe it’s fair to say we are empowered to take full responsibility for our recovery. 

Hope you enjoy your night out and rest of the weekend.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit. 

Captain