My journey..

Hi Tizzy 

Yes I don’t disagree with what you describe in general for someone who wants to stop. From my angle, I have never wanted to stop and it was forced upon me. If I wanted to stop and didn’t do what was necessary Yes the responsibility lies with me. The responsibility for me at the moment is to derive a life adjusting to my situation.

I still have a continual kaleidoscope playing in my head whether daytime or in my dreams. Someone, presumably God is playing this film to me showing me what I could have been. Maybe in the next life ?

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi

On walking in to the recovery program I felt very inept inadequate insecure and had little faith or confidence in myself.

It was only by being honest with myself that recovery would work for me.

Yet my instant reaction to being questioned and asked to be honest caused panic and more fear with in me.

Yet how can we think that gambling was so exciting and so much fun, was it the buzz taking such big risks was I an adrenaline J****E.

In our recovery we will often hear the wording the buzz, that the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.

All the time I was filled with so much fear it was very easy for me to panic and not be able to think clearly or even be aware of the consequences of my own self destruction.

Once one abstains one will notice we took other risks in our lives rushing about speeding tail gating not being safe at traffic lights.

This impatience and intolerance indicated to me that I was very hard on myself and that I did not value myself or respect myself.

The question is why would I put myself and my family at risk so many times and not learn from the pains trauma and panic I was causing.

At what point do I say to myself my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions are very unhealthy habits and I wanted out of being self destructive.

The recovery program helps me to stop abstain and think things out clearly, then I would decide for myself and no one else, I want to heal and become healthy and live a more productive life. 

Today I understand that my addictions and obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable. 

Today I understand what my needs and my wants are.

My lists is me being honest and accountable to myself.

In time I would become more self sufficient and more productive by getting things done and feeling good about crossing things off my need to do or want to do lists.

I often ask myself was today a productive day, was I pleased with the things I did.

By me giving up gambling did not work well for me, reluctance resentments, sadly my recovery needed to be a very selfish action on my part.

I am a non religious person, yet I am more of a spiritual person, my conscience is based up on spiritual values, when I went against my own conscience I hurt myself, yes by being unhealthy I caused myself pains and traumas.

Yes today I am able to be clean from gambling, yet ore importantly I do not have to lie, I do not have to live in fear any more, I do not have to pretend I am fine, I do not have to justify being unhealthy, I do not have to live in guilt shame regret or be ashamed of who I am today.

In our sharing and honesty we open up to the possibilities of how much more we can do today with our life and our relationships with all people.

I am able to be polite respectful considerate caring and nurturing towards all people today.

By expressing my gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Tizzy

Sorry I havent been in touch as often as normal, hope you are well, what's happening in your world?

I have been spending time reviewing my Stone Of Life and other recovery reading material, searching for an answer. So far I have identified only one thing to try. I cant go into detail about it on here. It is not something new, but when I tried it before it worked for a while and I think I may know how best to make it work for longer this time. 

To be clear, this is about forming a foundation for my life, having more of a purpose, more of a sense of who I am and what I am and how I can be better spending my time, have more to look forward to, feel comfortable in my own skin. This is *NOT* about whether I gamble or not. I dont intend to have any more gambling slips, but I'd rather be in a better place in my life with an odd gambling slip here and there, than purely focus on not gambling irrespective of the rest of my life.

I maintain and repeat that my life is how it is due to bad decisions and circumstances, and the demise into being a compulsive gambler and using gambling more and more as a crutch and escape happened following the bad decisions and then became a way of life. 

Thankfully the kaleidoscope has stopped playing now. Someone decided I needed to see my life played out as how it could have been. Now I think I'm being told to get on and make the best of what I've got. Hopefully the thing I've described above (rather vaguely) will work, feels like my only chance right now. Lets call it 'The Spark' for reference purposes. My daily feel good score recently has most days struggled to get above a 3. If 'The Spark' works, from previous experience, on days where The Spark is present, I know I will be up at 6 at least.

Drama wise I am pleased to see The Split back so will be binge watching that. I am also attempting to watch the Masters Golf without gambling on it, would be first time ever. ( I had no interest in Golf before starting gambling on it and last year (with great difficulty ) I avoided watching Golf. See how I get on.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Thanks for the double post - not sure what happened but the same post appeared twice with an hours difference between the times 🙂

I'll keep you updated on 'The Spark'. My attempt at watching the Masters Golf failed - not from the point of view of having a bet but I just found I wasnt interested in it without having a bet. 

You say your online blips happen when you are bored, but (without taking the moral high ground here as I'm in no position to 🙂 ), lots of people get bored and find other things to do instead of turning to an addiction. There must be hundreds of things that you can do to relieve boredom, but its not just something to do which you seek, its the buzz, the fix, the adrenalin rush which all addicts need and crave and have to be forced to live without, usually by having all possible blocks in place. Good to hear you are increasing the blocks but maybe we can agree you are not bored, you are *flat* - there is a big difference. People who are bored need to find something to do, addicts who are flat need a fix to lift them. I have said this before but there is something missing in your life which leaves you feeling flat, maybe you dont know what that is. I do know what it is for me but I cant type it on here. Maybe 'The Spark' will help me. Maybe you can find something to help you too.

On Gamstop, you know the answer, its having the strength to do it.

Still 3 days a week in the office, still running and doing the gym - if my ability to stay away from gambling was as good as my ability to stay fit. I'd be in great shape in different ways! Have read a lot of people on here who gave up gambling and got into some form of exercise as part of their new way of life, having not bothered before. Well thats one thing I can say has never suffered from my addiction, I've not skipped my exercise, in fact I've gone way too hard on myself training many times over the years as I've been so angry with myself after stupid heavy losses. Yes I've had days lying in bed far too long regretting my actions but my first port of call as a means of getting back on the rails has been the gym or a run.

At least Easter provides a much needed break from work, although like all holiday times it has its challenges. Got Deadline recorded so get to that soon.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Yes I get your point re some people having nothing missing - there are many different types of people, reasons for gambling, scenarios. And sure someone can be 'ordinary' and have a big win, feel the buzz and want to experience the adrenalin rush again and before they know it they are hooked and are a CG. Guess I was looking at it too much from my own experience, with knowing the reason I became a CG and knowing what things have been missing and being crystal clear that if these things had not been missing I would have been fine.

You dont need me to tell you that *recouping* is never the right thing to do, but our minds focus on the most recent activity so we feel that recouping a loss from a day ago or a week ago and being back to 'level' is a great thing and a platform to build from for future. We conveniently forget that we have lost loads over the years so even if we do get back to 'even' following last time it is false satisfaction and a drop in the ocean in the bigger picture.

Sorry to hear your Dad is still suffering, he deserves a break and some sort of period of good health.

Due to range of factors, with my 2 recent blips ironically not really being a part of it, for the past couple of days I have had really bad memories of my gambling which put my head in 'never again, how could I have been so stupid' type mode, strongest I've felt like that for a long time. As I've covered previously, most days during this period of recovery I want to bet, feel sad that I cant and go through my routines to avoid thinking about it too much. I hope the current bad memories continue, maybe sounds silly but if I constantly recall the disasters and not the successful times, then it can only help my recovery. Maybe its progress.

I havent looked back to what I typed last Easter but its probably very similar to this - 4 days off work, not sure how I will spend them, treat the weekend as normal, take a day at a time, decide how to spend Friday then Monday when it comes. Shouldn't be like this, should be looking forward to a break from work, not feeling stressed and pressurised about how I will spend my time. Maybe time off will always be like this, just need to get used to it. Maybe if 'The Spark' works out then that will help, but its too soon for it to kick in for this week, gonna take time, have to be patient, not easy when we have 'want it now' attitude 🙂

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

I'm glad you enjoy my messages and likewise 🙂 . Nice to read you check each night - I check each morning! Was just looking back and it was last June that we started messaging each other regularly so we will have to come up with something for our anniversary in a couple of months time 🙂 . Neither of us are anywhere near the finished article we want to be but I'd say we have benefited each other a great deal over the last 10 months.

Well thats me done for Easter, ironically a part of me wishes it was Tuesday and I'm back at work, despite the stress which it causes me at the moment. Sure I'll find things to do and get through the long weekend but there isnt anything i'm actually looking forward to. 'The Spark' can be the answer but its something which I can only get involved in on a irregular basis and even then there is far from a guarantee that it will work out. So I need to be patient, feels like my only hope right now. Sorry I'm typing this and realising it may sound like a riddle, I dont mean it that way, but I just cant state what it is. But in parallel with a gambling scenario, its similar to when I cut out different parts of gambling in previous periods of recovery to get to a stage where I only bet on football, then only football on a Saturday, so it tested my patience and self-control with only focus on one day a week. The Spark is a bit like that but not even as frequent as once a week.

I'm very interested that you talk to your Mum a lot about your addiction. You must have a close relationship. When my mother an other family members found out about me, the relationships I had all went downhill rapidly and have never recovered to how they were before. They felt ashamed, said I was stupid, irresponsible, childish etc. then it got brushed under the carpet never to be mentioned other than one who felt sorry for me and offered me money regular ( which regrettably on occasions I accepted in desperation to avoid borrowing from loan companies etc. but I paid it all back ). But even now, now and again they will ask ' are you ok for money, are you struggling?' which really bugs me now as it was nearly 20 years ago they found out and about 15 years since I last borrowed from them. But other than that the subject of addiction/gambling is never mentioned. I will always regret them finding out. Still visiting my Mother regularly and doing more and more stuff for her as she gets less able.

Havent started on Deadline or Compulsion yet, probably over the weekend.

As you know I have spent a lot of time recently running over my life etc. - check out the lyrics to 'Its a Very Deep Sea' - very apt.

Hope you enjoy the Easter weekend.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

I know you will be feeling rubbish today - how many times do we get to the point of thinking 'I'm never gambling again', but then that feeling only lasts for a few days or so, and the beast within us gets hungry again and tells us it will be ok next time, we will win, or at least we will stay in control. It's a vicious circle and one you have been on a few times lately. You say you are turning a new leaf, I really hope you do, you know you cant go on like this. And Yes your Mum, or anyone else for that matter who is not a CG, will never understand what we go through and why. How can they unless they also have some sort of addiction, they can only imagine what it must be like and they may try and be supportive, some will listen, suggest, be sympathetic, others will be dismissive and see it as our choice as to what we do with our money.

re OH writing off your debt, how does that make you feel? Are you relieved about that, not having to pay money back, or ashamed it has come to this? As you know I had someone write off a debt years ago ( it was a good deal more than what you OH, although earnings are all relative I know), but whilst I had no choice at the time but to agree, it took me *years* to accept it, and then only on the basis that I convinced myself, and the other person agreed, that the lost money had no impact on their life at all. But still now and again I think about it with shame and much regret. Maybe OH is same, no impact on his life and he maybe never expected you to pay it back anyway?

And re transferring two-thirds of your wages to OH, isnt that a bit back to front i.e. he pays you if I'm not mistaken?, so he would be as well to only pay you a third of what he did previously and that would amount to the same..? But this arrangement is also all about how it affects your confidence... I wouldnt want you feeling like a little kid who had their pocket money reduced... kind of feels a bit like that to me - I've never regularly had someone who could look after my money to help my recovery, I did have someone for a time at one point who offered, but I declined as it just felt so embarrassing, I knew I needed to do this myself without using that option. I fully accept that has been a major help to other people but it was something I knew I couldn't handle.

To be clear, 'The Spark' is absolutely nothing to do with gambling or your 'shopping' , nothing like that. I have talked before about knowing what is missing in my life but most of what is missing cannot be filled for one reason or another, 'The Spark' is one area which possibly can. Its not about recognition, these areas are all too personal to describe on a public forum, they stay inside my head or have come out only during counselling sessions. 

Tried Deadline last night, load of rubbish in my opinion, switched off after 30 mins 🙁

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Starting on a positive, I ventured out for a walk in my local area today, first time I've left the house on a Saturday for months. Glanced into the bookmakers as I passed to see someone thumping a machine in anger, no doubt lost a packet or come agonisingly close to winning.

Can totally get why no shopping ever again saddens you, its the highlight of your life. But if you are determined to live without it, Yes you can only take one day at a time and compensate with other aspects of your life best you can.

re you not feeling shame or guilt re OH writing off your debt, I cant relate to that at all. I know you want me to be honest and since you advised of that, I've actually been feeling rubbish about my written off debt and that happened 15 years ago. It will always be a cloud above my head, Yes its something I've learnt to live with, but also something I could never have envisaged happening to me before I became a CG. I let myself down terribly there. I also cannot relate to the 'whats yours is mine' concept in a marriage/relationship, but thats only because I've never lived like that. For me, it was always that we contributed equally to the bills but each had our own money. But there are so many different circumstances, for example where one of the couple looks after kids full-time and the other is employed, no way in that scenario they will be contributing equally financially. 

I binged watched The Split over the last couple of days - absolutely brilliant I thought. I'd defy anyone with any emotion in them not to have a lump in their throat at certain parts. Also watched the first 2 episodes of Compulsion. Enjoying it, as much as a drama as opposed to only related to the gambling aspect. Read of many on here similar who got involved in gambling after some sort of one-off experience. You will be able to relate the the gambling type more than me given it is online games, which I've never played.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain

Happy Easter Tizzy

I hope you enjoy your day with the family and you stick to your plan tonight.

Looking into the bookies I had mixed emotions - I don’t want to be like the guy  I saw and the guy I was and the memories of walking out of there after a bad day are all too clear and horrific, although it has been so long. But I can still recall the early days too when it was just fun.

And Yes as you describe we are experts at covering up our emotions. During the 10 min walk from leaving the bookies, I could somehow migrate from being a desperate man full of shame and regret, to getting home and smiling and making it seem like all was fine. 

I agree totally about us never intending to lose the huge amounts we do and being sucked in and chasing and getting out of control due to the beast inside us taking over. But I still can’t forgive myself for borrowing money off someone. For me that was the worst, worse than borrowing from banks and companies, because at least that was credit in my name not someone else’s money lost for good. Yes I’m still in contact with them, not that regularly and I agree they will be pleased that I am making progress but nothing I ever do can make it up to them and I have to live with that. This is all my thinking, they have long since written off the money and don’t care about it.

Away from gambling Yes I have always been good with money. That’s a big part of the historic shame. Before my bad decisions and becoming a CG my savings just grew naturally, I had all I wanted and needed at the time and could never have predicted I’d have any debt at all bar a mortgage. 

Glad you are enjoying The Split and Compulsion. I watched last 2 episodes of it today, from the write ups I expected much more gambling content than there was, expected it to explore why she became a CG and more of the impact but effectively it was just a standard drama story with the gambling bit very small really.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Yes back to work today, got through weekend better than expected to be fair and today at work wasn’t too bad.

re the person who gave me money Yes they are family but to be clear, they didn’t ‘bail me out’, they didn’t actually give me money for paying off debts, they gave me money on a regular basis over a number of years. Each time they did it seemed a better option than borrowing from a company and I always intended to pay them back. But the amount I owed just got higher and higher over the years and then when I had to re-mortgage due to loan and credit card debts and arrears I had to realistically write off the amount owed to the family member who was fine about it.

We often talk about the Jekyll and Hyde make up of gamblers and the normal Captain is kind and generous and would happily give to others and has regularly in terms of decent gifts to folk and to charities. And the person who I borrowed from has been the recipient of some of my kindness. But as I’ve said the cloud will always be there.

Hope you weren’t sick after stuffing yourself with the Easter egg ?

I now don’t have any dramas recorded to watch so bit of a gap in that area to try and fill, need to do some searches for older stuff on catch up.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Thanks for the double post and sorry I've not been in touch for a couple of days. Glad you missed me 🙂 .  I spoke too soon when I said work was fine on Tuesday, the last few days have been completely hectic, longer hours and when finished I've been mentally done in and the evenings have been short.

Understand why you cant elaborate on your event and plans, but really hope you have a great time and enjoy the break.

I agree that it is the beast / the CG in me who was acting when I borrowed money each time and not the real me and its not really a case of forgiving myself, more the fact that I had every intention of paying the money back and one way or another I have to a whole range of companies and a few people over the years with the exception of this one person. So it will remain a frustration/annoyance all my life but it isnt something which I think about daily, just every now and again.

Despite my best efforts, 'The Spark' isnt working yet. I have to be so patient and live in hope but it is so difficult to do so. My stomach is churning daily about it and my sleep pattern has been interrupted. When I think about it, there are some similarities there to many times of gambling losses and debts and thinking about how to pay back money / get more money. Same feelings and behaviours to an extent but not losing money 🙂

Yes I think The Split is absolutely brilliant and have done since Series 1. They say this was the last series which will be a shame if its true. I may have said this before but the reason I love watching Dramas ( and also ironically one of the reasons I/we gamble, although it took me years to realise it) is because they allow me to be emotionally involved and connected. In some ways I crave the emotions in some sort of artificial sense because they are not apparent in my normal life.

Hope you manage to stay in touch while away and all goes well.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Sorry your trip away has just been 'ok', was hoping it would be great fun and provide some impetus for you when you get back home. Can understand the worry about your Dad.

Work is a hell of a lot of effort and stress and time spent for very little reward. Appreciate I'm far from alone in that description. Not many people find their ideal job. As I've said throughout the years there have been more good periods than bad so hopefully this phase wont last too long and I'll turn the corner again ( sounds a bit similar to gambling phases I think as I type that 🙁 )

Agreed it is very hard to deal with many of life's issues without turning to gambling as that has been our 'chosen' escape from reality, stress, to make us feel better if only for a short time. Not only is 'the spark' not working but it has taken a step backwards now. I'm really not overstating things here when I say I cannot come up with anything other than that to allow me to move forward in life. I've written on here many times over the years of researching and brainstorming and trying to come up with stuff without success. If this doesn't work I'm done. ( Dont get concerned, I've never been suicidal and never will be, but it will default to a life just existing and playing out time rather than one of having things to look forward to and some level of enjoyment)

Most days at the moment I'm a 4 out of 10 at best and hoping tomorrow will be brighter.

Have you thought of anything to celebrate our June anniversary yet?

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

There is a reason we connected last year. We have much affinity and commonality. Whilst many others quote feeling better and their lives improving and not getting urges after abstaining for gambling for various periods of time, you and I are in a category of people who continually feel flat without it. 

I could type much about why we may feel this way. Could simply be a dependency on gambling for so many years, inability to live without the buzz, mundane lives, something in our DNA etc etc. You talk about making yourself feel ok.... something not right there, we should be ok naturally. But I'm so glad I have you because my feelings mirror yours. I have to work hard to get myself into a suitable state to do my work and to manage day to day life in general. We dont know all of our histories and backgrounds and this Forum isnt the right place to share them, but I will state that my childhood, whilst predominately happy, was not conventional as such and had many challenges, and my adult life then played out in a non-conventional fashion too, somewhat influenced by the bad decisions I keep referring back to.

Trying to find online sites shows a craving for the buzz but of course flies in the face of your intention to avoid all of that area completely. But thats where the beast inside us comes in. After a bad day or bad period we resolve 'never again' but we cannot hold that feeling and however long it takes the beast becomes hungry again and takes over and our resolve weakens. When gambling we cannot accept loss and thats why we can never win. When abstaining we cannot accept our existence without the buzz. The difference between people like you and I and those who manage to abstain forever must be some combination of genetics, DNA, the lives we lead and how much fulfilment those lives give us. Its certainly much more than just putting all the stops in place combined with willpower. I hope that continuing to be there for each other we can both find the answer and get our heads in a better place.

I was tuning in to the football scores too yesterday 🙂

No new dramas on the go at the moment although I see a new one starting this week Mon-Thurs on ITV. I'm watching Good Trouble off BBC iplayer, latest one from years ago which I've found which I'd never heard of before. Still spending time on the dating site off and on but challenging when my mood is low as I can start a conversation and then not have the confidence or enthusiasm to keep it going.

Bank holiday tomorrow, a break from work but leaves more empty space to fill.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Hope you enjoyed your night out last night. And you could celebrate Arsenal winning 🙂

Yes the Split I found very emotional too, I connect with emotional dramas, I find they illustrate emotions which I dont have in my own life. Link to gambling there, gambling brought out emotions which I couldn't experience naturally, the highs, the lows, the near misses, commitment, determination, euphoria, despair, disappointment, I found I could experience all of these in short spaces of time with gambling, but in real mundane life they occurred once in a blue moon.

Bank holiday today was challenging as usual, same as any day off work ( weekend somewhat better in comparison as I have developed a weekend routine and have certain things to do, weekday holidays kind of start off as a blank page in a diary and with some panic attached to them ).

Kind of goes like this:

1. Go for a run /walk/ to gym

2. Eat

3. Panic - what else can I do now - oh I could study form for a future bet or bet today - oh No, I dont do that now

4. Read paper / watch drama

5. More panic and thoughts and urges of gambling

6. Go to shops for browse even though I'm not buying anything

7. More gambling thoughts

8. Watch more drama / read a book / watch football highlights 

9. More gambling thoughts

10. Read my Stone of life / self-help literature

11. More gambling thoughts, more panic of what to do next

Pretty exhausting, cant relax much, feel pressure to identify something to do all the time, Yes good to get a day off work but stressful in a different way. Basically find irrespective of how long a period you stop gambling for, when it has been such a huge part of your life for so many years it just continually pops up as the thing you should be doing...

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Agreed Arsenal won’t make it easy, could go either way with them and Spurs.

And you know I go along with you on people buying lottery tickets, playing bingo or anything else if it doesn’t cause them a problem. There are so many variances to this addiction and whilst I respect those who say don’t gamble a penny on anything I’d say they would benefit from being a bit more open minded and seeing the big picture.

I have Grace recorded and I also watched  some of the Snooker, well done Ronnie, but I had inevitable thoughts that I could have had a bet on him ?

I don’t mind admitting I am very unsettled just now and don’t know what to do about it. Hope the feeling goes away and I can have some sense of normality soon whatever that means in my life...

Hope you are not too tired out by your Grandson!

There is another Paul Merson programme on Thursday, should be good.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain