NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

You ok mate you have gone very quiet?

Hi mate yeah just been real busy working and looking after the little one. All good my end really... Not much to complain about! Hope you're ok anyway. Will have a read up of your diary now

Good mate pleased your ok

Hi Signalman, Just wanted to check in and say well done for getting to 200 days. As we know it’s just a number but still a great achievement you should be really proud with how far you have come not only gamble free but in yourself. From what I have read you have changed as a person for the better and so much more focused on things in life that matter like your family and not placing silly bets like our past selves. I see that you have put about how you are always thinking about recovery that’s completely normal, I am exactly the same I think about gambling every day not betting well the odd time yes but mostly just about keeping on the right track, things that have been posted on here or things at ga. it’s not at all wasted time! Think when your with your family and doing jobs at home or whatever your present where your old self will have been completely consumed by our gambling ways. Everyone in life has problems and this ours and we are dealing with it. So pat yourself on the back and keep doing what your doing.

I’m always so busy so never have the time to really follow people’s diary but do just like to check in and stay up to date with there journey. Will post again at some point.

Take care

OAU

SMan,

Sorry buddy I must have missed your previous post. That is a fabulous achievement reaching 200 days GF. When I learn of a member reaching a milestone like this I always go back and read their first post and when I do this it puts a massive smile across my face.

Nobody gets anything out of life without putting in the work first. This is just how it happens to be. You have reached your milestone through your hard work, determination and your ability to commit yourself to learning as much as possible about your addiction. This is the key to success in all things.

Now for the next stage of your journey - the march towards a full year GF. Reaching 365 days GF is a tremendous achievement. A point where you can look back at your life and really see the benifits of your full year of hard work. This can be in terms of financial improvements to your life, relationships at home and at work, how you sleep, how you react to stressful situations and how you cope in general with the surprises that life can chuck at us. It takes the same amount of hard work and dedication as you have already shown throughtout the past 200 days. I am confident that you will achieve this.

If I could go back in time I probably would have made more of a deal of these first milestones. They are important and they are everything that we wanted when we first set out on this journey. Celebrate. Do something nice with your family. You deserve it.

Tomso.

Thank you so much for the messages guys and kind comments. Always appreciate thoughtful responses and any insight offered will be taken on board! I know how much clean time you racked up before Tomso so I always have open ears when you send posts my way!

I was just thinking this is the best I've felt to date since quitting gambling. I hope this feeling lasts... If I feel like this for the rest of my life I'll take that. Unfortunately my mood tends to peak and trough so I won't hold my breath lol

Today I was listening to some motivational talks and the guy spoke about being told by a doctor that he should never train again as his heart might go. He was told to retire and take it easy.

He continued to do what he was doing because as far as he was concerned this was 'his life' - he wasn't going to be told what to do with it and he wasn't going to allow any external factors to control it.

I thought of the comparison with addiction. I decided the same, i don't want addiction to control my life, my decisions, my wellbeing anymore. I choose what I want to do with my life and where it goes from here.

Today was a definite separation between myself and my addiction. Definite progress.

Easier said than done though. Need to attempt giving up smoking again. A few failed attempts this year but tomorrow will be another go. I have found smoking the hardest of all my addictions to give up.

The man said that if his decision making ended up being the death of him then 'so be it' because he was born to train... It was the be all and end all of his existence.

Well I certainly wasn't born to be an addict... But I have now realised that I was born not to be an addict and addiction won't be the be all and end all of my existence, I want freedom to be that thing. I must do everything in my power to free myself of addiction... Yeah it's tough at times when I'm stressed out and need an escape/dopamine hit... But I have to refrain from indulging. I have to accept that letting go of the urge to indulge makes me feel low and empty but that is the hand I have been dealt as an addict and actually, in the grand scheme of things, it's not all that bad. I have a lot of things going for me and can live with this foible until addiction eventually gets bored and relocates to bother someone else. Maybe my foibles make me a stronger character even.

Anyway peace and love to you all.

Hey dude congrats for smashing a double century and thanks for showing your continuous support towards me. I'm really glad to hear you felt really good yesterday and I hope you get that feeling everyday. Take care man.

Thanks Pras. Good to hear from you and glad you're doing well.

I'm good - real busy at the moment. Busy but not stressed, that's the way I like it!

Today I remembered at my lowest point after gambling I was going to do myself in as I genuinely convinced myself my young son would be better off without me and would grow up to be a better person without me around. I was thinking if I ended my life while he was too young to remember me hopefully I wouldn't have infected/affected his upbringing.

Gambling made me so sick and ill. The thoughts going through my head were completely toxic and corrupt. Gambling made my self-esteem so low it was unreal. Now when I put him to sleep I always make time for a snuggle and cuddle... Boy do I appreciate the time I do have with him now as I caused so much pain to my family - the financial we still live with now... But I hope by being present, loving and caring for my family moving forward this will be some sort of amends. And people say that you never get the time back when they are small so I do try to savour these times.

The other thing I realised today was that whilst gambling I was such a horrible, unpredictable person. My mood was ever-changing and I had this horrible habit of sticking my nose in everyone's business... If someone needed help I wanted to help but ONLY because it was an opportunity to do things MY WAY, completing something my way served my ego and I needed constant reassurance that I was brilliant, because deep down I knew that I was doing something completely irresponsible and terribly immoral... Something which I had no control over at the time. Nowadays I live in my own bubble, I used to think people who lived in their own bubble were stupid, but now I realise they have the right idea, as long as you learn the art of stepping in and out of your bubble if/when someone needs help, and help should be given for the right reasons, not to boost ego. Sadly that was often the case for me but not anymore.

Lastly I was speaking to my mum today and she is terribly disappointed after speaking to my brother and finding out he's in loads of debt. She is old now and she says he has let her down and it has made her sad. What she doesn't know is that I am in double the amount of debt he is in. Man, I want her to live out her life peacefully. I haven't had the guts to tell her about my gambling problems as my wife is predominantly supporting me through this - today's conversation cemented the idea that I should keep it that way. I will pay off my debt in a few years then I'll be back to where I've invariably been, skint but in the black.

I don't want to burden her with further heartache. My son was just a one year old at the time I blitzed all my finances - what would she think of me? Would she understand what i do now which is that I was quite ill at the time? Probably not. I feel guilty keeping secrets but for now I will as I guess I'm sparing her feelings. I would tell her if I ever felt I needed extra support though.

I don't carry cards anymore. Luckily always had enough cash on me to negotiate day-to-day living but been caught short a couple of times with my dad when buying DIY stuff... Had to use the wife's card. Hate making up stories each time (card compromised, card left at home) but again, I don't want to burden anyone anymore or cause any more misery. Ive done enough damage for one lifetime. I wonder if my parents have ever noticed this new habit of 'card-sharing' I have started with my wife... parents aren't stupid, I know that. I wonder if they see the situation for what it is but don't ask questions... Anyway ultimately I just want them to live peaceful lives and I want them to be proud of me... Hence I stay on this path and this path only.

If I take my son out or something my wife gives me money from my account so no issues there. I wonder if he'll ever ask me one day why I don't carry cards... I'll just tell him I don't like them... That's pretty much the truth these days...

Because the other thing is I really don't ever want to see my cards again. I have no use for them anymore. Money doesn't supplement my existence anymore. I feel quite strongly about this so probably should just ensure I have enough cash on me when out and about with parents to save any tall tales in the future.

In conclusion... Learn to love yourself, live your life and nobody else's and own it. Own everything you've done wrong yes, but also own everything you're doing to amend these wrongs. Im still working on the latter hence not having the heart to tell my mum about the gambling just yet.

HI Signalman,

A belated congratulations on passing the 200 day mark. Superb achievement

Hey SM

Keep posting. You are one of the best contributors on here and I want you to stay sharp and vigilant. Now to the next day gf

Thanks for the supportive messages K2 and Down and Out. Great to see you going strong K2, haven't caught up with Al in a while, hope he's doing great too ;o) will make a point of checking in with your diaries as soon as time allows...

Sorry to read about recent times Down and Out. It's funny reading back your post as you are clearly an intelligent geezer, almost too clever for your own good? Quote: "when will I hit rock bottom?"
I've never seen anything written like that before on these forums, but most interesting... You clearly have the insight re when people decide enough is enough, you clearly want to stop, you have the desire the stop gambling clearly... You don't need the rock bottom bit matey. Is that cry for rock bottom even subliminally giving yourself another licence to gamble when the going gets tough?

I've never seen someone write that before but it really got me thinking. I swear I used to tell myself that before actually wholeheartedly destroying my life through gambling. Basically you're on that road like I was... I got to the end of that road... It's a whole load of s**t and a complete nightmare at the end of it so you turn back now. No need to get to the end of that road before you finally giving up gambling. You dont need the rock bottom bit matey. Kudos to you if you turn back now. If only I had... However all I can change is now. Like you. Good luck.

I had a really good day today. Best one for ages. Up early, spent time with the boy, completed chores, went to college, successfully completed an important task that needed doing, attended lectures and even squeezed in a drink with my tutor before my night shift! My tutor said he has been most impressed with the work I've been producing of late and said he would recommend me to do a specialist course at the college to further my learning and develop my practice, however as much as I would like to continue studying there is a cost involved and sadly I can't afford it :o( it's cool though, because I'm just pleased how things have turned out on this course. I could have folded after gambling and flopped the course but I came back strong. I will miss studying so much when it ends next week. Maybe in a year or two I'll pick up studying again when debts are paid off. Who knows... I've been trusting in a 'higher power' lately when my back is against the wall and it seems to be working most days... Would recommend to others lol :o)

It's great to have my energy and drive back again. It took ages to return to me. Thanks higher power ;o)

3 things I'd like to share:

1) we needed nappies for the boy the other day, and I needed money for fuel so I asked my wife if could borrow her card to pop to supermarket as this would be logistically easier... To my dismay she initially refused to hand over the card! She said she didnt trust me as the bookies was still open! At first I thought she was having a giggle but then I could see in her eyes she was genuinely scared. I took the card anyway and returned it to her safely, but not without taking ownership for this situation I have created, how dare I feel aggrieved as a result of her fear and apprehension. I lied to her, I cheated her and my little boy before. I put our future in the balance. Why couldn't it happen again? Especially as she knows I'm under a period of stress right now as college draws to a close and there are final assignments to sweep up. Gambling was my escape, she knows that. Thankfully I embrace life's challenges now not run away from them.

Guys never forget what we did, what we caused and always remember there will be consequences attached to that. We were thoughtless back then so now is the time to make up for it.

2) we are having issues with our childminder ie the boy is no longer enjoying himself there, we are pulling him out. Today was the last day I had to take him in order to honour the contract and get our deposit back. When I dropped him he was distraught. I've never seen him cry like that before. When I got back in the car my heart was broken. But then I realised... I have seen him cry like that before... I have dropped him there many times in the past... But that's my point... Those times I didnt SEE him cry because I was so consumed by gambling I had already turned my back on him to race to the nearest bookie. Now I'm seeing him cry his little eyes out at being left. The realisation of my previous negligence broke my heart just that little bit more. I cried on the way home.

I will never let him down again. I've broken that promise before but that was false hope. This time I'm no longer playing that game of addiction anymore because I have been long defeated and want to enjoy my retirement from gambling peacefully by living a simple and honest life at the service of my family. I owe them so much.

3) people often say that when they were gambling and done their load all they could think about was how to get more money. Ive started to get flashbacks to horrible gambling thoughts when I was at my lowest points with it. One came the other day. It was not pleasant and rattled me.

I was playing crazy golf with my wife and a few friends and had lost A LOT of money days before. I was last to take my shot and the crew moved to the next hole. I had my son (one at the time) by the hand as we waited for the people in front to finish the hole before our go. I was consumed by getting more money. I looked down at my son. He was waiting so patiently and was so excited to watch me play the next hole. Do you know what I thought? I thought "hang on, you've got loads of money you have. Grandad gave you a load when you were born + I've been putting money away for you since you've been born"

He stared back at me with his innocent green eyes. I decided at that point that I could win all my money back with his money... In fact to prove that anything is possible in this respect I bet myself that if I holed this hole in one I would wake up early the next day and raid his bank account then come home a winner... And never gamble again after that apparently (!) I was deadly serious at the time. Anyway my turn came and I lined it up, took the shot and the ball bounced off the wooden edging and ricocheted into the middle of hole 12 (we were on hole 7).

I took this as a sign not to take the money so didn't in the end. I chewed the loss. Days later I couldn't take it anymore and came clean to my wife and haven't gambled since.

How sick was I eh? How sick was I to have those thoughts, those intentions run through my mind... And would have seriously acted on them had god not made me such a s**t crazy golf player. Thanks again higher power ;o)

An innocent little one year old boy. My own fresh and blood. That money is there to give him the best start in life. I almost took away his start in life to feed my curse, my spell that I finally feel liberated from. It may be back though... I must always remain one step ahead. Hence writing today to get some stuff out of my head.

For anyone struggling out there with gambling... Seriously struggling I mean... Take it from me, you're sick. Treat it like any other illness. Seek help. Don't hesitate or ponder... You're just giving the addiction room to manouvere by doing that.

I look now with a clearer head at how back then my head was clustered with b******t thoughts like that one. I am so ashamed even for thinking that. There are those out there who have acted on that thought. It's an illness, theyll tell you that too. Your mind is gone... It becomes the property of gambling along with your wedge.

Last week I asked my wife why she stayed with me after the gambling. She told me that the overarching reason was that I did my load but I never stole money from our boy, even though it was accessible to me. She told me to be ill and not do that showed great valour and integrity and therefore it revealed to her that there was still good in me beneath all the s**t that had built up and festered on the surface over the years.

I told her about the crazy golf day and what I almost did. I told her if I'd made that shot I would have stolen every penny from him. She told me "but you didn't, the facts are you didn't steal his money and that's all that matters to me, I stayed with you on that basis, I don't care what you almost did or would've done"

Maybe I overthink things. Maybe I there are times when I should give myself credit and cut myself some slack instead of being self-critical. I didn't take the money. I still have a family to go home to and a house and a bed of which I dont have to sleep alone in. I still see my boys face first thing in the morning (when I'm not working nights!) because I chose not to take that money, not because I missed that shot.

Don't ever forget how ill this illness can make you. Don't go back there... Make progress every day... Whether it's day 1 or day 1000. Just don't go back there.

Thank the lord I missed that shot. But also I/me/myself... I didn't take that money. I continue to build that money with what little I have left after gambling. One day I'll hand it over to him and I'll be so proud. If I find out he has spunked even one penny of it on gambling in any form I'll have his guts for garters :o)

Peace to you all. Remember whether it's day 1 or day 1000... Don't go back there. I'd rather be at day 1 then back there. Remember that anyone out there who is just starting this journey.

never forget what we did, what we caused and always remember there will be consequences attached to that. The scars run deep down, there’s no forgiving for what i done, i accept and live with all of it, sadness could consume me, but i will not be sad for myself, why should i,, i make no excuses, how dare I ever feel sorry for myself, like fxxx i will , i only feel for the others i done damage to, i can’t undo that, so i have to bring it close to me, not shut it away, I’d be a worse person if i did, i won’t dwell on it, heads up, moving forward keeping one step ahead guard Up bobbyj/rainman

I hear you bobby, loud and clear as always. I have definitely been guilty of moping around over the last few months dwelling on what I did and how I can make it all right again... But embracing that feeling and using it as inspiration to make the best of the time ahead has proved far more fruitful.

Thanks for your time and thoughts SM and K2. Hope you don’t mind me posting on your thread. You really have developed a great awareness of your situation. It’s a shame you can’t continue your studies as you really seem to enjoy them. Are you punishing yourself a bit for your losses? I think if you can manage, carry on as it’s so important to do something fulfilling.

I guess I thought I had hit rock bottom before and then I sunk lower. I was wondering how bad things had to be before I truly packed up for good. I hope I have got there now. Home life is bad and I’ve ruined another friendship. Right now I feel wounded with little empathy towards those I care about. I don’t want to talk really to close friends or family, but I will when I am ready and face the consequences of my actions and get connected. I need to dig in for the long run and connect with those I have hurt. At the moment I just feel very down about what I have done and it’s hard to find motivation. No gambling thoughts but it seems a long way back and positivity is hard to find. However I’m still here and will take it day by day.

I hear you completely about the friend situation... I did the same after gambling. I also started arguing with colleagues at work who I would have classed as friends before.

Gambling, along with many things, robs you of your pride and self-esteem. It's hard to rationalise and live outside of your head in the early days of a recovery, but you will get there again don't worry, when the fog has cleared and progress has been made you can patch things up with your friend. My friendship has never quite been the same since I bodged it up, pride more than anything on my part... But with a clearer head I recognise this now and will work on replenishing that friendship soon.

Your body and mind may be in survival mode right now after gambling, this is a perfectly natural state for the circumstances right? Let it adjust naturally with clean time. Don't rush. You can fix things when you've assembled your toolkit again so to speak.

Just think - what actual power do we have when we gamble? f**k all as far as I can see.

What actual power do we have when we don't gamble? Well we have the power to make things right with a clear mind, a clear head and rediscovery of self-worth, self-esteem and maybe a little less ego to boot (ie humility)

That's a lot of power in my book. Every day you don't gamble from here your charging yourself up with a little bit of that power. A few months down the line you will feel it then from there you can embrace that feeling, you'll want more... If that means not gambling you'll take that.

You can do this bud. Stay strong.

Remember you're probably set to survival mode right now whether you like it or not so of course it's going to be nigh on impossible to show empathy and be motivated to attack life... Why not embrace what your body and mind are telling you to do right now, just survive for now. Until you are stronger and have regrouped. Mate, surviving gambling day by day especially in the early days is no mean feat... remember that - if that is all you do for a month or two that is mega. When there is a bit of distance between you and gambling your body and mind will tell you then I'm sure you're empathy and motivation with start to return at that point.

As for me, hit a bit of a critical time re trigger points as my study course officially ended today. Got my last assignment in and was pretty down about finishing! I've enjoyed it so much and feel quite lost without this in my life anymore. Maybe I could study again as I enjoy it so much, I think you're right about the punishment thing... It's funny because I said to my wife that I may buy myself a new laptop and she scoffed at the idea due to our circumstances, then later on I said I would like to study again and she seemed to give me her blessing... Weird because the course costs double the amount of the laptop and a bit more, maybe like you she understands the fruits of life should be picked while they are still ripe.

Anyway last time I destroyed myself with gambling I was on a hiatus from studying and was very much lost so this time I'll be on my guard. Need to start getting back down the gym to use my new found time wisely.

Take care anyway. Look after yourself.