new beginning

Paul.

​fella I will say this my friend,you cannot run from yourself.you won't find the answer in blaming gambling.you have the ability to make changes to your life.you can learn from the past,your future can be built upon it.f**k I ran for twenty years the wrong way,All the time just trying in vain to escape from myself.today please seek the help that is out there,abstinence gifts the opportunity for you to do so.only you can open the door.abstain and maintain

duncs stepping forward never back.

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Hello Duncan,

Thankyou for your advice. On a positive note i'm seeing my counselor tomorrow. Only i can change the future.

Paul.

Hi Paul. You're having a difficult time at the moment and have been for quite some time. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and you've got a lot on your plate. Feeling stressed and anxious is understandable, but there are things you can do to help yourself. I've been reading your diary for a while now and there have been a few things that worry me....not that long ago you talked about feeling like ending it all after you'd been drinking. I really feel that you need some help to deal with all the emotions you're dealing with. Using this forum is great and you're being honest and open here which helps, but I think you need some real life support. Whether that's your GP, counselling, GA, Mind, Samaritans...there are lots of options but it's hard to deal with this alone. I understand that feeling of wanting to get in the car and disappear...I've felt it many times myself. But what I know is that it won't help. You can run, but you can't hide. Whatever is fuelling that need to escape will be coming along for the ride. Take time out if you need to, but use it to make some calls to get some help. You don't have to rake through all of your past if you don't want to, but learning some coping techniques might help. Even if you've tried it all before, now might be a good time to try it again.

I know you can get through this.

LB x

Pressed save and then saw your post about the counsellor. Good for you...I hope it helps x

Morning Paul and glad to see you still posting , You know the old saying " You can run but you can't hide " , If you were to jump in your car and go it's still there waiting for your return , weve spent so much of our live's running away from life's problems by using gambling as an escape , when we stop gambling life is still going to present us with issues from our past as well as chucking a few new ones at us for good measure . Its back to basics I'm afraid by taking One day at a time and dealing with our problems one by one and as they arise , then slowly they become less of a problem as we deal with them .

Talking with your councilor will help to give you some clarity and put things into perspective I'm sure !

Best wishes Paul and keep your chin up !

Hello All,

Not a great day today. I'm off on leave today. I packed all my worldly possessions into my car. Put £20 petrol in and was heading back to my parents.

I turned the car around 3 miles down the road. Just a nervous wreck but my head is everywhere.

I am back at the house. Am i turning into a complete diva.

Running away solves nothing. I couldn't even do that right.

So i'm drinking away here. I'm worried were this is all leading. Am i fed up because i can't gamble anymore?

Paul

Thankyou Alan and Half life,

I really am taking your advice on board. I just booked a doctors appointment this Monday aswell.

It's hard to admit this but i'm not well. Why can't i sort this all out. Even my manager told me i need time out of work but she told me that she didn't say that.

You know what aswell. There are people in hospital not well and i'm moaning here. I really need to wise up and count my blessings.

The trouble with me at the minute is that i am constantly nervous and i can't control how i feel.
I go to work nervous before i start. I'm off work today and i am nervous. You'd think i murdered someone and i'm waiting for the police to catch me.

Paul

Hai Paul,

Why is not being well hard to admit? I told you in a previous post that I followed your posts because it mirrored to me. Are addicts immortal? And think they are hero's? That was/ is me anyway! Sometimes, I believe, that we need to drop our guard and somehow get our feelings into words and communicate. The power of talking.

You condradicted yourself in your post, in one paragraph, you were saying that you've booked a Dr and then your saying there are peeps in hospital not well. - Selfish in addiction, selfish in recovery! & yet you can change the word selfish to guilty! On the outside we're well, but it's the inside we need to work at!

It's not easy Paul, but to me your asking yourself the right questions, but then are you giving your self the right answers...... Not , very clear there; maybe all us Pauls are as confused as each other.

There's like 3 pronged attack going on with your pyche at the moment with your gambling, possible new house and your london visit. The only thing you've got an element of control with is the gambling and it's proof in the pudding of this forum, that in itself is a hard bit.ch to tackle.

The nerves are coming from all the energy, both negative and positive in this life change your crawling through.....

Be good to you and emphasise with your good lady. . And keep talking, it's cyber space, so no need to validate your self.

Paul , buddy , first of all deep breath !! , your minds all over the place because your fighting to many battles on different fronts , your dealing with giving up gambling which is bad enough on its own , then on top of which youv'e got the whole wife/money house thing going on , its no wonder you feel like running for cover .

Your gamblings being contained at the moment so take a positive from that , don't run back to it because thats just gonna add more problems that you really don't need at the moment . You should also be proud that whatever you did regarding jumping in the car this morning , you turned around and came back to face your problem head on and that takes some bollo+ !.

For what my opinions worth I'd be inclined just to concentrate on getting things right with you and your wife , if that smooths out then everything else will get easier to deal with ? Your comment about moaning ? forget it Paul , were all allowed to moan simply because life sometimes throws stuff at us that warrents a good moan , so moan away my friend , no sense carrying it around when you can get rid of it .

I don't think your so much I'll Paul just under a huge amount of pressure which is causing you great stress , so the doctor's appointment is still a good call .

Keep posting Paul , I can't solve problems but I'm always about for a chat !.

Look after yourself Buddy ......................AL

Hello all and thankyou Alan,

Yesterday i had a lovely day. I went for a 3 mile run then later that night me and the wife cooked a lovely chicken dinner. A stress free day.

Today i woke up a bundle of nerves. Is this the by-product of 14 years of gambling?

I had a doctors appointment at 10am.

I told the doctor last weeks anxiety was the worst of my life. I told her i used to gamble and run up debts but i have since cleared them. I told her we were bidding on a house and travelling to London this Friday for IVF. Then my phone rang. It was my wife. They accepted our offer on the house.

The doctor kinda laughed as if to say you have alot on your plate.

I got some valium to relax me.

The moral of the story? Don't gamble because life can bring you plenty of other problems without choosing an additional one.

Meeting the mortgage provider tomorrow. Let's hope the mortgage is a success.

Good luck everyone.
Paul

WoW ! , bit of a day there eh Paul ! , ever thought of joining a circus as you'd make a great juggler ? , plus they have some really big plates to put all your stuff on , LOL !

Great that you've spoken with the doctor and that he's prescribed something to restore a bit of calm to your hectic life, also the best of luck for a good outcome with the mortgage provider tomorrow and sincerely wishing you and your wife well with the IVF on Friday, a busy week my friend , a busy week indeed !.

Best wishes ...................................Alan

Hello Alan,

Thankyou for your kind words. That really cheered me up. I must read your diary tonight.

I just need to get back to myself and that means no gambling. My brother and dad asked me to place a bet on the euros. I went in and did the bet and left. I won't be in again. No urges to gamble.

Thanks again Alan and All.
I wish you all well in your recovery.

Paul.

Hey Paul , No , No don't do it , don't read the diary , well skip the first thee months because I was a miserable so.d then and only cheered up after November ! LOL ! .

Your doing alright fella , just take it steady and one day at a time eh !

Regards ...............Alan

Hi all new 2 this my first day

Morning All,

I'm feeling more relaxed today. No gambling on my mind.

We are meeting the mortgage advisor today at 5pm.

Hopefully my past debt does not come back to haunt me.

Paul.