NEW DAWN , NEW DAY , FEELING GOOD !

Do you really think the wonderfull boys and girls on here...many of whom you have propped up in an hour of need are going to let your day slip by ?
I doubt it
I get what you mean about a quiet moment of reflection....good idea. ..I'm sure you'll fit that it as well....anyway I've got to run ! !
Party planning ? Hhm. ..didn't realise Tupperware was still around : )

Not sure i can get on here tomorrow so just wanted to say well done on a year with no gambling. Its a great acheivement Al.x

HAPPY BIRFDAY Pops 🙂

No need for a big speech from me

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HAPPY 1 YEARS GAMBLE FREE

ALAN!!!

You can't see the seconds but that was 00:00:01...I had the speaking clock counting me in! So glad the Gaxit was short lived & you're here with all your cyber kids to get your well deserved pats on the back 🙂

A great acheivement by a gentleman who gives so much support... congratulations.

Cathyx

Morning Diary .

" I hadn't prepared anything but managed to scribble this down on the back of an old postage stamp " LOL !!

To be honest Ireally wasn't going to write here today as Celebrations me and this place have had a mixed reception in the past , Sometimes my happiness with life and at being gamble free is questioned as to its authenticity and my Gung ho , non therapy, non GA do it yourself approach has been frowned upon on many occasions and in some peoples eye's even if I'd beaten my naked buttocks with stinging nettles , nailed myself to a cross unless I went one step further and set fire to myself I still wouldn't be doing enough and nowhere near addressing recovery ? but you know me so f**k em . I'll always be the one day at a time S****e stirring dry gambler as I've been reffered to (thanks mum, dad ) who gets up every morning smiles and whispers a little " Thank you " for not gambling the day before and for me that works just fine , I know who I am , what I've done and what I need to do to keep myself from teetering on the edge of destruction once again . It's also with greatfull thanks to My favorite west country girl Loxxie , who's constant childish reminders and countdowns of how many sleeps I had left until the big day have forced my hand in making an attempt to sum up my 1st year being gamble free since being 17 yrs old and as I'm now 55 thats a huge chunk of life !. I'd also advise anyone traveling west to avoid Loxxies Bar as she revealed to me last night something about Colonic irrigation and being confused over the pipes that fed the Cider tap , so maybe give that a miss along with the Pork scratchings ? ( I'll get my own back ) :)) x

" So Chapter one begins and enter from stage left , old bloke holds tea and biscuits (supplied by Deano) in his hand sits down comfortably and begins his story " :))

A year ago I was an absolute mess and in such a different place to the one I am now and the main memory that stays with me and will always remind me of how I felt was at My daughters 30th birthday a year ago .

Sat in her garden celebrating as best I could yet hiding my addiction as a CG , nobody knew the turmoil I was feeling the disgust I had for myself and the fact that for the whole of the previous week I'd been contemplating ending it all with searches on google , looking for painless ways to die . How could they know ? as an active CG I'd become the master of illusion and deception , I'd learnt early on to cover my tracks and it would have taken Miss Marples to uncover my web of lies , I sat there joining in as best I could all the time my inner mind screaming out for somebody to discover my secret life , I was there but only in body, my mind working overtime and forcing smiles where nessecary , making polite conversation , My daughter celebrating her birthday and also the forthcoming marriage she and her partner where planning then asked me if I wanted to say a few words , I was shocked and stunned and had nothing to say , I was empty inside all feeling and emotion drained from me by years of Gambling and the situation I now found myself in , so I just did some polite muttering along the lines of " I'll save my speech for the wedding " and thankfully it all went away , phew !! .

I could so easily have continued down that path , for how long I couldn't say , I had cards that wern't maxed out yet and overdraught facilitys available and I had assets , the house and shop could all have been borrowed against and everything could have got far far worse .

Somehow there and then I knew something had to change , I wasn't sure how or where but stumbled upon this place and hesitantly put up my first post , you can't begin to understand ( well you probably can ) the feeling of relief to get a few replies and to realise I wasn't alone with my problems and I was truly shocked to realise how many others were just like me , it was like all the inhabitants of fraggle rock had come together to welcome me in .

One of the first responses I recieved was from ODAAT :)) when I posted about being emotional and was it normal? ( looking back what a stupid question ) she assured me that she'd also been all over the place with emotions in her usual chirpy way of posting and I slept soundly knowing that I was a gambler starting the long road of detox :)) and Kelly if it's of interest to you I also thought you were Dutch for some crazy reason so LB's not on her own :)).

This place of safety and all it's people, has given me the support , love, guidance and answers to my many questions of How where , why and what , I've cried buckets and laughed loads , read and seen many things , awful things and acts of kindness which have all got me to the point I'm at today and I truly thank you all the good, the bad the indifferent and Gambler Toad for helping me to understand our complicated world of addiction , He popped up yesterday in search of a verbal dual after leaving a nice note on my diary but unfortunately admin got to him before I did :(( but I'm sure he'll return again ?.

So 1 yr on where am I now and whats changed ?, Well , simply put, everything really , all those feelings of helplesness , loneliness, isolation and not knowing where to turn have dissapeared along with the stomach churning feelings and heart pounding moments everytime I placed a bet ,my family life's great , my daughter married her partner last month, a beautifull service in Bellagio in Italy and I was there with my son to proudly give her away on a day filled with real laughter and true happiness and accompanied by some good happy tears and emotional moments along the way .

My partner and I now foster 3 wonderfull kids who weve become very attached to and are going to find it difficult to say goodbye when it's time , I understand they were only ever on loan to us but it's still difficult , the unfortunate thing is that it doesn't look as if any of them will go back to their parents , so it's more likely that adoption will be the route forward , for the two youngest anyway but it's probably long term fostercare for the eldest , I find it such a shame they cant stay together but I think unless a miricle happens they will be split up , the baby at just on a year old will be a joy to any couple to nurture as will our mischevious 6 yr old but our 9 yr old will need a little more with specialist learning needs being the priority, I know they'll be fine and I'm sure will settle into loving homes where they'll be loved and cared for but we'll know more by the end of the month........

My sons just going back for his final year at Uni agfter turning 21 last week so it'll be onwards and upwards for him as he embarks on his journey through life, my daughter newly returned from her honeymoon started her new job back in her old role of primary teacher yesterday and then there's me , lots of plans for the future , a hip replacement looming possibly at the end of the year , I had the injections a few weeks ago and normally they give a lot of relief but 4 weeks on I'm back in pain ,so I don't see much option , It'll mean closing the shop down for a couple of months but I need to think of myself sometimes and once thats done I'm going to seriously look at going i nto the fostering side of things with my partner and after 36 yrs hanging up my Chip scoop once and for all , the fear of change sits with me also sometimes at times I'm scared sh1,tless but if I'd not conquered that fear to stop gambling I wouldn't have been gifted all of the opportunities I have today and even worse I probably wouldn't be here discussing it at all :((.

I wasn't going to mention money as many people tend to frown at the mention of the financial rewards of stopping gambling but indulge me if you will , Money isn't the be all and end all and does go way down the list of priorities when we finally decide to stop our cycle of self destruction but one sunny day a few months down the line and I'd managed to get my house in some sort of order it didn't take me long to notice that as a result of not chucking my money in a Fob't for hours on end day after day I'd suddenly become the proud owner of a shiny new pot to pi55 in and not having had one of these for many years I was overjoyed at it's sudden arrival and which now sits pride of place in a corner of the lounge alongside a signed photo from Dan and some of Deano's diarys picked up from a German market bookseller , Willie Herman Schmitt or as he's better known W.H Schmitt ( Thanks Martin ) and ( sorry guy's I couldn't resist ) :)) , I polish it daily and it shows me from whence I came .

That last bit has just been made even more akward by the fact that as I'm sat here typing war and peace Dan's just sent me a post at 23.44 being the first to congratulate me on a year gamble free , I knew he loved me really and he's known me long enough to know were all good , Seriously Dan if you pick up on this , thank you so much it truly means a lot to recieve your good wishes :))

Where was I ? Oh yeah !,Money helps ,?? of course it does ! , it means we have the funds to spend on making life comfortable , it means we dont worry when that pile of letters and bills hit the doormat or the car needs a service or the kids need new clothes , it's a means to an end and the fact that your hard earned is going where it's supposed to go instead of feeding our habit and makes life much easier to deal with so I have no problem in saying the money we save does make a huge difference.

You know life's never going to be 100% perfect but it's pretty damm good out there if you just let it in , enjoy the stuff thats free , the country walks the time with family and a cosy evening in with loved ones , thats where real happiness lies , not as it was for me in some high street bookies stuffing note after note in a cold heartless machine in the hope of winning a few quid so I could carry on on any given day feeding the habit , instead of being with people I love .

When I look back to 12 months ago and the dark place I'd arrived at I read some words posted on a diarist's page and if memory serves It was from Dunc's ( apologies if I'm wrong ) but it said " Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem " and I've never heard such truer words , for every problem there is a solution , not always straight forward and not always easy but there is a way to move forward and change your life, I've passed those words forward to a few on here who've been contemplating the same and it's had pretty much the same impact from all , so for those 9 words I thank you from the bottom of my heart :))

I'm not bitter or angry with anyone or anything , I choose not to blame anyone else for my problems , not the gambling companies , the industry or anything thats happened in my past , It's me , it always has been , I entered into something that I always new I could never truly win at , me versus a machine , no contest ?........ It started as fun and I allowed it to take control of my every thought and become the most important thing in my life and f**k anybody who would challenge me over it or get in the way of my next bet , I've let go of it all , the losses and all the gambling Sh1,te that went with it , accepted it all and not layed blame which has granted me the passport to my future .

I'd forgoten what it was like to live because for so long I'd just been existing in a world without love,feelings or color and it's a place I never want to return to again , I don't consider myself to have all the answers and I know I'm nothing special, I'll also never consider myself cured and right now I'll carry on focusing on not gambling today and when the sunsets and rises again then the same tommorrow .

If I offend anyone at my feeble attempt at humor then I apologise , it's never my intention to do so , I laugh at life and the situations it throws my way and if I can't laugh at myself for what Ive put myself through and the extremes I was prepared to go to in order to continue gambling then I consider all hope to be lost :((

Never give up giving up gambling coz one day you'll succeed and life will give you back ten fold what you put in, enjoy everyday you have and every moment you can because one day it will be your last .

Stay safe everyone and thanks for the ride and for listening . With love to all my wonderfull supportive family and to all the gang on here you know who you are , you have my eternal thanks and love xxx

I'm now off to sample that huge cake that my oldest friend on here Martin ( oldhams ) just made for me .................. No pressure but he did say it would it would be the biggest Gamcare's ever seen ...........................?.....................................? and that it would move a bit ...............................? .and have lights ? ..........................Waiting .....?? ....... Anyone still awake ......................?

You know Iv'e just spent an hour writing this out and it makes no sense at all , all the night owls posting me already , Kelly with the speaking clock , Martins cakes just turned up already when I've just said " I'm waiting and Cathy with her lovely words , thank you guys I'll get this out there before anyone else turns up early !! xx

My name is Alan and I'm a recovering Compulsive Gambler who's not gambled for 365 day's xx

What a brilliant post as always Harold. A heartfelt well done, and of course a multitude of high fives for a year of winning with humour and grace.

High (three hundred and sixty) five!

Twinks x

Massive congrats Al!

Enjoy your well deserved kind messages coming throughout the day ☺

Be proud

S x

Alan.

Fella I am laying prostrate on the living room floor, where I have been for the past three weeks, a compression fracture to a vertebrae, I have turned into a night owl,sleep doesn't come easily, spasms come frequently once I call it a day and I ride through the night counting down time until the next dose of medication can be taken.

A bit like the life of an active compulsive gambler,groundhog day,the same act repeated over and over somehow expecting the outcome to change.

I have been around this amazing place for a few years now, I have seen many folk come and go.

One huge thing I have learnt is recovery is bespoke, there's no recipe to follow, no one size fits all manual that gifts abstinence to everyone who seeks it.

I remember your first post, like me I believe that you came here with the admittance that gambling had beaten you, that in action you lost all your own self control, that you were ready for change. life change.

If we rewound our lives just a while before said day our diaries would have mimicked many others, relapses and no resignation to the fact that we lived by the compulsive gamblers mantra.

I Cannot win because I cannot stop.

From day one you admitted to that fact,you valued equally folks opinions and willingly shared what made sense within your own mind, that has I believe the reason today you join the club of folk who maintain abstinence for a calendar year.

You wrote that you haven't followed guidelines laid out by ga,you haven't taken therapy and you have gone as gung ho at abstinence as you did active gambling.

Fella I believe that you do yourself an injustice writing that,because in my mind you are a blueprint for recovery.

Because your values have wholly changed in the past year and you do what I believe is the key to remaining in recovery on a daily basis, that's openly give your recovery away, if you read the twelve steps of the ga booklet fella you are treading them and best of all sharing them freely.

We live I believe not too far from one another and I would like very much to meet up and shake your hand.

Maybe you could join Kelly when we fine dine at the place to eat where you get in my mind the best view of Portsmouth.

You deserve all the high fives and back slaps you get today my friend because simply you earned it.

You accepted the gift that stands in front of every compulsive gambler, recovery.

Continue to share that, most of all keep enjoying it.

I salute you.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Well done Alan.

Enjoy your day.

Well done on the milestones in your journey Alan, keep striding on.

All the best,

CW

Good morning Alan,

Many congratulations on a fantastic achievement and wishing you and yours a peaceful day.

Best wishes

Crikes Alan. ...sorry I'm late...couldn't do my frock up !
Mahoosive well done on the 365 days gamble free alan...
It's lovely to read some good news ....how your life's back on track...and your living it !
Yove been such an inspiration to me...and many others on here...and for that I THANKYOU ..
you made me realise early on in my journey that it's a life long trip....so no point being miserable along the way....
If your ever down this way it would be an absolute honour to buy you a pint !
Trouble is...you know how dappy I am....I may have muddled the pipes up !
Anyway enjoy your day and be proud....mwahhhh x

Morning Alan massive congrats on the 1 year gamble free a really big achievement and you should be very proud. Keep it up, keep leading and well keep following.