No looking back

Thank you x

So drained.

Strong urges.

☹

So worried bout tomorrow I feel physically sick. I'm having urges as I want to escape the worry but money is definitely tight this week and if I gambled,  which I don't want to, I'd leave us in a mess, so I won't, as I really don't want gambling to be the way I cope but I'm just so scared. My daughters appointment is late tomorrow afternoon, so tomorrow I have all day to get through just worrying. My family has been through so much, I'm praying ? tomorrow brings good news and my precious girl is ok. Shes truly a fighter.

I'm around 142 days gf, I won't gamble..I won't..!!

Need to stop myself from gambling, going out my mind here, too much going on, my head is full, I so desperately want the escape. I can't sleep. Cant think properly.  Dont know what to do. Right now the urges are the strongest theyve ever been. Wish my life was different. Wish I'd never found gambling as a way to cope. Wish wish wish things would change. 

Cant think straight. ☹☹

145 days gf. 

Keep going Stace. I know it's not easy but you are doing so well. 

J x

Thankyou jess, hope your well x

Eyes have been opened to the damage I caused. I can't risk doing anymore damage.

i think last night was an eye opener from a different perspective............... lest continue on this gamble free path. xxx

I made it to 147 days gf, never thought I would. 

Thanks to peers and advisors.

Goodluck to everyone on there journeys.

Stace xx

To say this week has been hard would be a complete understatement.

I nearly gave up everything.

152 days gf.

No idea how I'm doing it..

So im at 155 days gf. I've been in a terribly dark place, last week I reached rock bottom its scary what our mental health can drive us to. I'm on more new meds, strong ones this time, alongside my current meds, praying they work as I want to get better, I want to enjoy my life but most of all I want to enjoy being a mother. Those kids truly are my life. One of my kids currently poorly with covid and by looks of it another one is coming down with it too. So.glad I'm here to give them all the cuddles and love they need. When I'm ill, even now, I just want my mam, and seems they do to. Had some urges but resisted as I know the escape is temporary and I don't want to make my situation worse because that's what gambling does, May help me escape for abit, but as soon as I'm done, there all still there.

Il keep fighting, fighting to get better mentally and have a better life, and fighting those gambling demons.

If a mountain seems too big today then climb a hill instead.

If the morning brings you sadness, its ok to stay in bed.

If the day ahead weighs heavy and your plans feel like a curse, there's no shame in rearranging, don't make yourself feel worse.

If the shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you'll drown, if you haven't washed your hair for days, don't throw away your crown.

A day is not a lifetime, a rest is not defeat, don't think of it as failure, just a quiet kind retreat.

Its ok to take a moment from an anxious fractured mind, the world will not stop turning when you get realigned.

The mountain will still be there when you want to try again, you can climb it in your own time, just love yourself til then.

Guessing the next few days are going to be tough for me. I've got a daughter with covid, kids off school, family issues going on, mental health ain't great and I've just tested positive for covid. All day I've felt so tired , headache and abit sick , with daughter having it I thought better be safe and test, turns out I've got it too ?  hoping I'm not too ill with it as I have the kids to take care off. 

No gambling urges today, thats good considering all that's going on.

This is the worse night I've had in a while. When it gets to this time (2.40am) and I'm still awake, those thoughts start creeping in and then I'm hit with urges to gamble. I feel so ill (covid) , the covid has triggered a flare up of my other illness, and I'm feeling so ill, im in pain and I just can't get to sleep.

Think I'm 160ish days gf, I've been finding my own coping techniques, looking online and going over what my psychologist taught me. I've come to realise that support helps yes, but only I can change my life around and thats exactly what I will do because the life I'm living isn't a life and I and my kids deserve me to be better and happy so I will fight to become better, the hard work is down to me, only I can change things.

Hoping I fall asleep soon and don't feel as ill when I wake as my kids are off school, 2 whom are ill , and partner will be working so there's no lying in bed resting for me.! Painkillers and get on with it, although if I feel as bad as I do now, my partner might have to actually take the day off, my head is pounding and chest is killing.

Anyway thats me. Read a couple of diaries to try distract myself from over thinking, don't want to be disturbing the helpline at this hour, so hopefully now I drop of to sleep ?