No looking back

Ahh I hate waking during the night and not being able to fall back to sleep ? 

So Thought I'd update my diary  ✏

I picked my kids up from school today, some might think that isn't a big deal but to me its a huge deal, a massive achievement because its always my partner that picks them up. I could never face going to the school. Would get paranoid that people were talking about me. But today I stood at that school, feeling calm and my heart when my kids came out with huge smiles on there faces was just priceless ?

I'm on new meds and they are definetly helping my mood ?

I'm laughing again, smiling more, feel a sense of calm. The dark cloud is slowly lifting from me ☁️

I've been putting in so much effort to help myself, I've looked online and taught myself calming and coping techniques. I'm bonding with my family again ?‍?‍?‍?

Annddddd I'm 170 days gf ??? no urges the past couple days. I'm still reading diaries which really helps me to keep on track too. 

So thats me. Hopefully I can drop back off to sleep now ? 

Take care all, stay strong, you've got this ? 

Hi Stace,

So pleased things are going well with your new medication and your able to take some small steps that are big steps of picking your children up. I bet that felt amazing and gave you the courage to continue being able to do that when your feeling up to it.

Well done on your 170 days also, thats amazing, and a great achievement. Its not always easy but your staying strong again those urges and continuing to me yourself and your family proud ❤  x

Well done stace you've battled thru the covid recently, restrained from gambling and ur nearly on the half year mark which is the point where I felt the decision not to gamble when urges came became like autopilot mostly ...... Once we make that right decision not to gamble over and over it becomes a habbit and second nature.......

Well done on picking up kids.....

.all the best Adam xxx

Unfortunately adam I'm back to day 6 gf. Had a breakdown and gambled to escape my head for abit. Of course it didn't work, think I'd learnt my lesson by now huh 

What a mess things are. I need time away

Hello Stace,

Please call us on 0808 8020 133, if you feel like talking about how your recovery has been going lately.  Well done on day 6 free of gambling, take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

Take care,

Adam.

Like you say stace it was a minor blip with a small amount of financiial damage..... its not about being gamble free forever thats just unmanageable its about spending the least amount of time doing it and 170 days or wahtever it was you managed has obviously helped you and your family immensely (u got that car, had a niv=ce christams etc, even spent xmas with ur parents).

Dont let a small blip bring you down..... youve managed half a year with one small blip brought on by a breakdown.

When i had a breakdown in 2018 it was terrible but it was a rock bottom for me i almost lost my job, borrowed money, and i was at the edge...... that was a turning point for me to completely change what i was doing for the better.....

Think of the things u most want from life achievable and not achievable (GOALS) take photos of them, draw pictures, then think of what it would take to achieve them........  Place this picture as a goal list on your bedroom wall then look at it when youre down........  YOU CAN ACHIEVE THEM if u dont GAMBLE,DRINK,SMOKE, well that may not be true for you but its worked for me.

Think of this moment as the turning point, you needed that stumble to show you the way, to show you this life you want is fragile, it needs to be nurtured........

So write youre GOALS aims for say the next 2, 3 or 4 years?

Maybe you want to help your oldest towards a mortgage?

Maybe you want to help your oldest to university?

Maybe you want to treat youre oldest to dance, swimming lessons?

Maybe you want to treat your partner?

You're a selfless person stace so i know your goals will be aimed towards them?

If not what do you want for you?

It's called the SECRET and is a way that many people have gotten what they wanted from life.  Look it up on you tube theres videos on it......

If you want sometihng enough and work towards it anything is possible and worlds collide to bring it to you.

Hope this helps stace xxxxxx c u on chat

Adamxxxx

man im in the zone, i feel compelled, i was brought to your diary for a reason stace, the reason was to show you a new path, these things happen for a reason!!!!!!........ I havent even read diaries for ages and i came accross ur diary first today that shows me that u needed me to post and that the post ive written will hit a nerve with you for the better!!!!! lets make this happen Stace xxxx

Oh adam, that hit my heart (in a good way). Your such a kind man.! I will take on board every word you've said. You are so so supportive,  and such an inspiration. Thankyou. I hope you feel better soon and rest whilst your off work, build your strength back up. Take care. X

So I've put stronger blocks in place, been through finances, financially I'm actually ok. Made plans to do things with kids next week for half term. And see psychiatrist Monday, hopefully I can explain properly what I think I need that will actually help. Moods up n down but hopefully things will change soon ?

I'm at breaking point today. Had enough. Can see no way out anymore

I've spiralled recently with my mental health and gambling. My gambling got out of control over the course of the past week. I'm in a mess. My partner is angry with me. I feel so guilty. Next week we are going to struggle financially because of ME.! will I ever properly brake free. I don't know what got into me, I just couldn't stop. I just spent spent spent. Spent hours escaping to another world in my head. I don't know if il ever be able to fully stop. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of everything.

Regroup stace.........  Find that strength...... find that courage.......Knuckle down at home......go on those walks........ It's not how many days we are on that defines us....... its how far on the journey we have come...... and youve come a long way in the past few years.

Like i said if you added up gambling spending in 2016 then in all the years after i would no doubt be sure that u were on the road to recovery....

Look to spend the least time doing it not just abstain but improve.

All the best adam xxxx

Lets have a great stress free summer and beyond

@adam123 

Hi

Recovery for me is about healing my pains and reducing my fears.

To learn from my unhealthy past but to no longer live in the pains of my past.

Recovery for me is about changing from being emotionally vulnerable to making healthier choices.

Abstaining is just the start of the healing process.

I was not able to heal each day if I was still causing myself more pains, or reliving the pains of my past.

The clean time can not be lost.

I get more from my recovery by being more productive and healthier.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

how u doing stace xxxxx?