On the edge

Continuing to feel mad with myself but have to accept what's done is done, not easy when you've just thrown £3k down the drain but on reflection despite all the slips/moments of madness, I can't remember winning anything in the past few years. That's because when I was "up" it was never enough, greed set in and in an attempt to get more I lost everything plus more.
There's going to be a lot of "what ifs" over the next few day's and week's but that's part of recovery. Like the bereavement process there are some things we have to go through to get past a difficult period in our lives. I'm not grieving over gambling or not being able to gamble, but I'm grieving for the life I could have had if gambling had not been a massive part of my life.
Well enough of the self pity (a bad charecter defect) and more now about how I need to put things right. I need to stay safe by taking one day at a time and keeping busy and distracted. Day 3 and not gambled today.
Rosie

Hi Rosie and thank you for your lovely post on my diary !

Sound's like lots of emotional soul searching stuff going on with you at the mo and all perfectly natural you'll be glad to hear !

That's what I struggled with a bit , not so much the money , although really effed off that I chucked it away I ended up looking on it as money spent for a cure to my gambling addiction , ok it's gone but over time it will be re earned and that's fine .

The bit I can't replace is the time I lossed , stuck in a betting office for lord knows how many years and missing out on a good life but as a saying on here goes " It's ok to look back but just don't stare " ! and anyway better late than never I suppose ,

It was a vicious circle for you but like me your out of it now , don't beat yourself up over it because life's just too short .

Day 3 done and dusted and pretty soon you'll have the first week all sewn up !!

Take care Rosie and keep moving forward , little steps and one day at a time !

Best wishes Alan x

Thank you Alan for your kind words.
Day 4 today and more determined to overcome this addiction.
No urges to gamble, only urge is the need and desire to lead a "normal" life.
Haven't done much today except juggle funds around to make sure we have enough to live on for the rest of the month. Bills all sorted the other day so now it's onwards and upwards.
I hate having to do this but it's done now and whilst we won't be fine dining at least we will be able to eat and get around. Next month will be so different. Pay day seems like a million years away but we can live with what we have, go swimming, walk and go to the gym etc.
Hope everybody is staying safe.
Best wishes to all.
Rosie

Hi Rosie , good positive post , things will soon get better and to be honest it took a month or so before I began to notice any difference with money I had left over but now it just seems to be the norm , its then that I realised just how much money I'd been throwing away every week , what a crazy life I'd been living !.

I think your attitude to this is brilliant , the way your making plans to do things together that don't cost a lot but still give you pleasure is a great plan to have , as you say get over this month and it will start to improve !!.

As they say the best things in life are free and when we choose not to gamble you really begin to see that's absolutely true !

Thanks for your post Rosie and I hope you and yours have a safe and enjoyable weekend !

Best wishes ....................Alan

Well 6 day's from my last bet but one bet away from destruction. I now remind myself every day that in order to stop I can't place a single penny on a bet. After a pleasant day visiting friends yesterday, I called to the shop on my way home for a few groceries. I watched a guy in front of me buy ВЈ100 worth of scratch cards and spend another ВЈ80 on the lottery. How pathetically sad he looked, his jacket was ripped and he wore training shoes that looked like they'd seen better day's. The retailer sympathised with him that he'd had no luck after Wednesday (I assume he'd placed the same bet then), but the guy retorted he had some luck as his wife had bought a scratch card and won £50! I was desperate to tell him what fools they were but what authority did I have after what I've done. After he left the shop the assistant shook his head. He said to me he wished he could block people (like they do with alcoholics) from buying scratch cards. He said to me he shouldn't be commenting on customers but they weren't the only ones in the vicinity who he would like to block. Driving home I was so sad, I don't have torn clothes or old shoes but who knows what level we will stoop to. I don't want pity and I know when we want to gamble we don't want to listen to anybody's concerns about us. Massive lesson learn't today.
Well onwards and upwards. Hope everybody is staying strong.
Rosie

Day 7 today, part of me wants to turn back the clock to 8 day's ago and part of me wants to forget the last 7 day's of my latest gambling hangover.
Have just been reading some posts with regards to clichГ©s and definitions with regards to gambling behaviours. My own stance is that we can look as deep as we want to with regards to cause and effect but without sounding too dismissive my own (and probably many more like me) gambling behaviour is down to sheer greed. I maybe should be but am not ashamed to admit that. In plain terms,I became a CG after I had the big win and lost it and I just want that money back and my sick mind tells me that gambling is the only resource that may give me that opportunity to succeed. Problem now is I've developed a rush when I play slots each time I get a bonus and I want to experience that again and again. It's true abstinence and recovery are 2 different situations. I know somebody who has abstained for nearly 15 years but is still a very sick person as he mind gambles. That person isn't recovering because he can't change that behaviour. A good analogy somebody used is the deaf person who can hear perfectly we with his hearing aids but take them away and the deafness is still there. Gambling addiction never leaves us, we can never be cured, a harsh fact that psychologists and psychiatrists have researched and evidenced this to be true. We have to learn to live with it and retrain our thought processes to deal with it. In a medical setting recovery in the sense of recovering from surgery means a part of the body can be operated on and the impact involves pain, discomfort, reduced mobility for a period of time. The person can then resume a preoperative or improved lifestyle. It isn't as straight forward with gambling. Remission would be a far more appropriate word to use. We all know a slip or relapse can happen at any time.
Just felt like having a good think about gambling. I may be right or wrong or not generate any debate, but it's how I feel today and what I wanted to write about on my diary.
Hope everybody is staying safe.
Rosie

Hi Rosie,

For me I had worked the damage, mentally and emotionally, and ofcourse financially before I actually stopped, I thought I would be cured after 3 months of being on here, I like you got totally hooked after a couple of big wins, and yes pure greed, but that was the addiction already settled in, we just thought it was greed, and easy money, (what a joke)

Never underestimate this addiction, it can and will lie dormant for as long as it takes( if we let it)

To start recovery we have to want to abstain and maintain, to be in recovery, we have to truly want it and let it in with all its warts and flowers:)) it's tough at times but it is truly worth it, sim,y because we find ourselves m our strengths and our weaknesses.

Well done on 7 days, the first weeks are hard as we start to adjust, just keep going be day st a time, the days will build up, and so will you:))

Suzanne xxx

Thanks Suzanne for your kind words of support.
Day 8 today and it could easily have been day 1 again.
Last night I had the most overwhelming urge to gamble. I would have gone anywhere and was even contemplating joining a bingo hall (somewhere I have never gone into) as I know they have slots. After telling my husband and even trying to justify my pathetic reason for wanting to go, he talked me out of it and told me I would thank him for doing so today. How right he was, because last night I won. I won because I never gambled and I woke today with an enormous sense of relief. It goes to show how the pain of last week can be "forgotten" in a moment!
The journey for me is long and arduous and I have to work on dealing with these urges.
Lots to do today to keep me occupied, I need to stay strong.
Hope everybody is staying strong too.
Rosie

Well done Rosie. You are lucky to have such a supporting husband on your side. Don't lose him through gambling.

Take care.

Feb.

Hi Rosie

I've just been reading your diary for the first time. I can see that your situ is a bit different in that you won a genuinely vast amount of money early on. Therefore I can see the promise of gambling being greater for you, epecially in the earlier days.

In a recent post (#23) you state you just gamble due to greed. However, you then go on to state:

"Problem now is I've developed a rush when I play slots each time I get a bonus and I want to experience that again and again."

To me, this contradicts your earlier statement, that it's just about greed, and I would respectfully suggest that the second statement is nearer the truth (certainly was for me).

Outright greed might've been an initial driver after your huge win, but this has given way to a dependency on the rush. Often this dependency on the gambling rush is linked to a loss of connection with other areas and with important people in your life (hence the need to get the rush from gambling).

I might be wrong but this did jump out at me and I think it's important to understand what's really driving us to gamble before we can properly address it. It also means you might be wrong (and unfairly harsh on yourself), if you are telling yourself you are a 'greedy' person by gambling. If it is the case that you are disconnected from what's important in your life then you can start taking (baby) steps back in the direction you want to be going.

Best

Louis

Hi Rosie

I'm sorry that my post came across as unhelpful, I didn't mean it to be so. I've been quite interested looking into the nature of addiction recently and so was giving my opinion on it. I wasn't judging you and again I'm sorry if it came across that way. It's very important to post how you feel in your diary. Thanks for giving me honest feedback as it allows me to consider how to post in the future - I don't want to be unhelpful especially to people who have recently stopped gambling.

With me I don't think my gambling could have been down to greed as 95% of the time I knew that gambling would not bring me any kind of sustainable financial benefit. Although I suppose if I consider my addiction as being greedy for the dopamine rush then that would make more sense - greed applies to different wants.

I guess this question isn't too important in your early days of recovery. The most important thing is to build on your good start. Recognise the urges for what they are and know that they will pass. Know they will lessen with time. Keep moving in the right direction.

Best

Louis

Hi Rosie , Your take on things is very similar to my own in that its your recovery / remmision or whatever you want to call it, youv'e stadted the reasons why you gambled and put what you need in place to combat those urges and will deal with them accordingly . With me it was just about pure habit , something I'd become used to doing over & over again and once I'd relised that I then began to fill my life differently !.

Keep doing what you need to do for you !

Good honest posts by the way !

Take care .............................Alan

Keep strong Rosie, remember your brain is having to re adjust, as my friend Suzy lemon, said on here, our brains have been deep fried lol, but it's true in a sense, you will also feel a void, ridiculous I know, but stopping gambling can give us the same feelings as a bereavement in a way.So to get to day 8 is quite amazing really, but you have and you did win big yesterday:))

Keep pushing through, it will get easier, as you get stronger.

Take care and keep safe.

Suzanne xxx

Thank you to Alan and Suzanne for your positive posts and respect to Louis for the apology.
Day10 today and whey hey double figures!!
Have spent the last few day's concentrating on addressing the urges with good success. The key was to stay busy and totally distracted with a positive result. The only desire now is to remain gamble free for the next 11 day's when I will reach my 21 day target. It's been a stressful 10 day's and whilst I'm no where near crawling yet I am going in the right direction.
Not much to add tonight but feeling a lot more positive about maintaining abstinence.
Hope everyone remains safe.
Rosie

Whey hey double figures indeed lol:))

Well done Rosie, keep going, one day at a time and keep winning :))

Suzanne xxx