On the edge

Good luck Rosie your next big win is staying gamble free and you hold the aces good luck x

The bear x

Thank you Bear and Russ for your kind words of encouragement.
I apologise for not posting on your diaries today as I am rushing out to a GA meeting but will post over the weekend.
Just wanted to say day 2 today and no gambling. Starting to feel better about what's happened this week and can think more rationally about how to deal with everything that's happened. Don't get me wrong, I still shudder at my stupid actions and remain totally ashamed. On the plus side, I feel better already for not gambling today and hope my positivity remains with me.
Thinking of everyone out there who are continuing to suffer and hope we can all achieve peace of mind.
Rosie

Hi rosie,
I hope you stay strong and beat this. I too am starting again. After 25 years of gambling I really have had enough and I probably have not got many chances left!

Day 3 and no bad thoughts to gamble. I've always found the first few weeks easy not to fall foul again as so much effort and concentration is focused on rearranging payment plans and getting back to a normal sleep pattern. It's when the aftermath of destruction starts to settle and I get paid again that I get itchy palms and tend to "forget" what I had put myself through the few weeks before. The plan now is to remain vigilant and stay totally guarded and keep reminding myself of the sleepless nights, gut wrenching feelings and absolute sense of despair I've felt since last week. I intend to stay totally positive and commit to taking one day at a time and not gamble no matter what temptation comes my way.
Hope everyone is staying safe and tomorrow I will have opportunity to read and post on others diaries. Apologies for not doing so today but I'm using a tiny device to post on my diary and the font is jumping all over the place making it difficult to type.
Rosie

RosieD wrote: Day 3 and no bad thoughts to gamble. I've always found the first few weeks easy not to fall foul again as so much effort and concentration is focused on rearranging payment plans and getting back to a normal sleep pattern. It's when the aftermath of destruction starts to settle and I get paid again that I get itchy palms and tend to "forget" what I had put myself through the few weeks before. The plan now is to remain vigilant and stay totally guarded and keep reminding myself of the sleepless nights, gut wrenching feelings and absolute sense of despair I've felt since last week. I intend to stay totally positive and commit to taking one day at a time and not gamble no matter what temptation comes my way. Hope everyone is staying safe and tomorrow I will have opportunity to read and post on others diaries. Apologies for not doing so today but I'm using a tiny device to post on my diary and the font is jumping all over the place making it difficult to type. Rosie

thanks for the thought Rosie

keep that abstinence rolling!!

Good strong post Rosie,

even though we do move forwards, when abstaining, don't lose sight of the aftermath of your last fix/binge/ etc 🙂 because this addiction/illness wants you to lose sight of it, so it can feed off you again.

It wants us to forget, it wants us so desperately to not committ to recovery, because this addiction/illness lies to us,

We will never be in control of this, even when we make our own choices, because it will always be there lying somewhere deep waiting:).

I find, for my own recovery, to never get complacecent, keep one step ahead, make that choice every morning, one day at a time lol, and keep my triangle broken.

Recovery has totally opened my eyes up to the real world again, but I know I cannot walk away from my recovery because I know my addiction/illness would sneak/zoom back in,

I had an unusual dream the other night about my aftermath of gambling, and I went through a lot of motions in my dream, of my aftermath, not nice but I woke up and took this as a big positive because it reminded me of how I felt,

I think we can tend to forget the pain and devastation that gambling brings, and that then is a dangerous time, our minds tell us we are missing gambling, we actually want to gamble, (we have-temporarily forgotten the pain and devastation that it brings)

Until we do it again, and then the same cycle carries on again, unless we change our way of dealing and living with this.

Complacency and thinking of being cured/100% control will just not work after the first few weeks, months, it's our mindset we do need to change, and we have to understand why we want to change it,

I hope this helps Rosie, I had to reach my rock bottom, before I started to change, and the after affects mentally and emotionally have left big scars.

Never underestimate this addiction, and at the same time do not underestimate yourself, you are doing fine, stay positive stay focused and just take one day at a time with everything.

If need be it can only help to get support from all different areas, ie, GA, councilling, fellow CGs, family (if they are supportive and understanding) if they are negative about our addiction, it won't help, we have to put ourselves first, to overcome this ridiculous addiction, you can do this, one day at a time, and this I will say, recovery is an amazing journey, even with the ups and downs :))

Take care and think of you now, (off out shortly on a date with my OH lol, this would not have been possible a year ago, )

Suzanne xxx

Hi Suzanne,

I really think you have done amazing. I am on day 1 again and I am at my witts end and worried how I will pay my debts!

Good morning diary,

Apologies for not writing sooner but I have only managed today to get my internet access back.

Well its day 12 today and I am feeling so much better without having gambled. I have kept myself so busy over the last 10 day's or so and its starting to pay off. Its a good feeling not losing money, if I'm honest I experience a greater high when I "win" on slots, win I would say is rather a loan from the casino or any online site as it generally all goes back so as a CG i know I can never win, but the sanity associated with not gambling far outways the anxiety and stress that gambling causes us.

I must admit too that I recognised my deterioration from a "responsible" (if there is such a thing) gambler to becoming compulsive when I stopped people talking to me and even got frustrated with waiters offering drinks in casino's as I felt they were all distracting me from getting my fix playing stupid slot machines. I've come to realise that gambling in whatever form is a totally lonely existence and for someone who had alway's enjoyed the company and social side of life I realised how isolated I had made myself - part of the devious behavior perhaps?

I still haven't managed to get back to GA and maybe I won't go back. I'm not sure GA is the right place for me, no excuses but I feel I have given enough wasted time to this addiction and I have now replaced that time with other activities that in the last 10 days has scarcely allowed me time to think of gambling, sometimes at GA I found it difficult to cope with some peoples smugness that they hadn't gambled for so long and appeared to attack rather than support the ones who were struggling. Not everybody was like that but sometimes it only takes one or two people to change a positive feeling. I have other things in place to break the time, money, location triangle now and feel confident that I can get back on track of living a peaceful life again. I have done this before and maybe complacency set in when my guard was down allowing me to fall back into an old habit again. There is not a device in my house now without a gambling block on, I have arranged all of my wages to be paid into my husbands new bank account and have set up DD's for all bills to come out of that. Apart from working full time, I make sure all my spare time if I am not with my husband is accounted for. I have excluded myself from every land based casino in the UK. I had to write to all Casino head offices to do this. With regards to online sites, as I have every device now protected, prior to this I excluded from as many sites (inc any affiliated sites) in case I was able to access the internet elsewhere. And for now, I take just one day at a time and even though I don't attend GA anymore, I can still apply the principles that they taught me.

As I'm sitting typing this, my husband has just made a cup of tea as we have had a lovely day out with friends and have not long come home. I just felt I wanted to post as I am so happy and positive today and I have not gambled.

Will check in again either later today ot tomorrow.

Hope everybody is staying strong and keeping positive too.

Rosie

Lovely post Rosie, can relate to it all.

Thanks for your message,

Keep strong, keep focused on your recovery, and keep winning.

Suzanne xxx

What an absolute idiot I am. Everything was going well, Christmas was great, I had money in the bank and was able to buy lots of lovely gifts, go out and entertain at home. I promised myself and my husband 2016 would be great as I felt everything was under control. We were so looking forward to that fresh start. Sunday night, my husband had gone to bed as he was on an early start and I checked his bank account to see my wages had been paid in (I know his account and sort code no.s and checked over the phone), over ВЈ3k yippee. I planned to pay off some debts and after bills etc knew we had plenty of money left to enjoy a few nights out, go into London and see a show and put some away. Then I felt a horrendous familiar feeling return. My husband had left his wallet and new phone that I'd bought him for Christmas on charge and it was begging me to use it. The plan was to put a Web blocker on the phone like every other device in our house but he had only just charged it and the temptation was too much. Within 30 minutes I had deposited ВЈ1k using his bank card and realised I needed to put that right. Overnight despite being ВЈ2k up at one stage, the whole £3k had gone and I had absolutely no way of replacing that money. Yesterday morning and for the rest of the day, I experienced every single emotion associated with a gambling hangover. I am absolutely gutted and beside myself that I have been so ridiculously stupid knowing the consequences of what I was doing. My husband is so supportive but the sadness I can see in his face is overwhelming me. When is this illness ever going to leave us alone and let used a "normal" life again.
So I am back to day1 again. A day I hate with a vengeance but a day to try and regain some sense of what gambling is doing to our lives. I know I should post daily to remind me that this illness will never leave me, it's here to stay. But it's up to me how compliant I want to be in my recovery and how I sustain that compliance.
We have the Web blocker installed now, too late for Sunday but not too late for next month or thereafter.
Thank you for reading.
Rosie x

Rosie,

Hang close to these diarys. Addiction is a lonely world to inhabit but by reading and posting you'll find plenty of nuggets to combat this slyest of all addictions, also building up a possee of like minded people treading in very familiar shoes. You obviuosly know the drill regarding barriers, self exclude and build them barriers up 50ft tall. There is light, but a virtue us addicts lose is patience, its not easy but very achievable and you just being here says alot for the person you are.

Be good to yourself Rosie, you've done with the aid of gambling in beating yourself up too much already.

I wish you well...

Thank you Volcano for your supportive and appreciated post.
It's day 2 today and have spent the majority of the day on to mortgage/energy/phone co.s etc to arrange payment plans for the next 6 months to cover the cost of my losses this month. I should have been out with friends today but with no money and priority bills to sort, gambling has yet again deprived me of the niceties of life. I will not be in this position next month, it is depressing, time consuming and irritating. I'm literally holding on by a thread. I can't believe our bill companies have given us what I feel now is my last chance. There is no longer anywhere else to go. I can't ask family for help anymore and if this happens again there is only the gutter or beyond left for me. I know this is a raw hangover but I must not allow myself to forget this week and it's impact.
As Volcano suggested, I will continue to build those barriers 50, 100 ft high whatever it takes.
Problem is, in my "rational" mind I will do everything to stop me gambling but like all CG'S I have a devious mind that rears it's ugly head when I want to gamble. The hardest battle is resisting the urges but making sure it's impossible to do any gambling. I wish everybody well and a gamble free day.
Rosie x

Hi Rosie , If this really is last chance saloon and you have no more chances , you need to use that tho,ught to spur you on even harder to quit gambling for good , like you said your rational mind will do everything to stop you from gambling but its the irrational one you have to worry about , as volcano said , the barriers need to be high at all times , so the triangle remains broken.

Be assured that those urges do get easier to dismiss as each day passes but they will come nevertheless and having that door firmly closed and bolted is paramount to success in recovery .

Well done on the 2 days so far and for facing all those mortgage and energy people head on , having nothing to hide allows you to move forward in recovery and although you face a few tough weeks ahead things will get better for you , you'll also start feeling proud of yourself again which has amassive impact on all aspects of your life .

Take it from me that 141 days ago I felt just like you do now, I've not gambled since and the changes in my life are wonderfull, so just give it some time and a bit of space away from gambling and things will also be good again for you !.

Take care for now and stay positive !

Alan

Hi Rosie, thanks for your message.

Am sorry to see you have had a slip, having extra cash available, along with the vice (ie phone) is tough to resist when those urges/thoughts appear, Try and keep your triangle broken at all times, it gives us time to get the rational head in place.

Well done on getting straight back up and sorting your priority bills out straightaway, put this slip behind you now, and keep going forwards, 3 days today, already, Keep strong and keep safe one day at a time.

Suzanne xxx