Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Hi
Whatami,

Sorry to hear your pain. You say you attended GA fairly regularly? What constitutes fairly? Did you take everything it had to offer. Did you work the program? Did you have a sponser? When you listened did you listen to understand or listen to dazzle others with your reply? Recovery is a lifetimes work my friend, one which should be enjoyed & not endured. If a life without gambling feels like a prison sentence then chances are your doing it wrong. Get back to GA you know it works if we work it.

Wishing you well

Dan

Day One, by 2:30 this afternoon I WILL have been bet-free for 24 hours. It's small steps. Lately, knowing I needed help I have returned weekly to meetings, but previously the complacency set in and I drifted. Sometimes the words would sound hollow, it was as if it was all about someone else, and this wasn't me, I was better than that. I've heard so many stories, I know that's wrong and that the only way someone thinking like that will go is the wrong way. I must accept again that gambling has a hold on me and my life and I must enter fully into both the GA programme and other outlets available to aid my recovery.

Last night came the conversation with my wife. She said she wasn't surprised and had thought for a while that something was up. This didn't stop her feeling terrible, when she said she left anything at all. Mostly though she said she didn't feel anything. I had drained her of feelings, I had drain her of the ability to care about me. Where we go from here relationship-wise I don't think anybody knows. I know I will have to hear a lot of harsh things concerning my past behaviour and there has been a steady torrent of snide remarks both yesterday evening and this morning. All fair I hasten to add, and that makes them even more unpalatable. I am going to try and meet up with the rest of my family later this week (they already know, but have only be in touch through e-mail) so I can see them face-to-face and understand their emotions.

I feel incredibly bad because of what I have done and the jeopardy I have placed my family in, but at the same time, I feel so much better for not having to hide behind layer upon layer of lies and to be again working towards a gamble-free life.

Day one update - wow, I am writing a lot of words at the moment, but it's really helping ... even if they are not being read, just getting them down and out in the open, to see on the screen is useful.

This morning I have made a spreadsheet with all my creditors on it and requested all their bank details. I have e-mailed them all with a settlement plan and await their response. So far I have received a few and the figure I have been able to achieve is coming in slightly under the £8k I had expected.

I know there is an element to facing the truth and paying your dues to help recovery, but chipping these payday loan parasites for a few hundred quid when they've had thousands off me over the months and years, doesn't seem unreasonable.

My wife really doesn't like me at the moment, she may not even love me any more, but she has suggested that we look for some joint counselling and that perhaps I investigate going to see a psychiatrist, as there are a number of problems in my past which might be affecting my patterns of behaviour. I know what the GA orange book says about such treatment, but I also know that recovery isn't a "one size fits all", so I am prepared to try anything that might help me not to find myself in this situation again.

Can relate with most of that.

Like most partners of compulsive gamblers your wife wants you to beat this.

She is willing to put herself on the line by joining you in counselling.

You MUST embrace that for your relationships' stake and more importantly for the wellbeing of your kids, do you want then brought up by your wife as a single parent ?

YOU have the power, the ability and the will to beat this, we all do, it's just finding the best course of action.

Onwards and upwards.

Thanks for your words Andy. Right now I'd settle for onwards and sideways, in fact just any way which isn't backwards! Feeling good right now, but have been here before and know the "instant high" of quitting. My job now is to slowly move forward, hour after hour, day after day. I won't be thinking any further ahead than that for a while. I have been doing a lot of research this morning about the most effective treatments and CBT seems to be right up there, so I will be looking into that in more detail. Interesting too that although there have been some promising clinical trials, there's no medication as yet sanctioned by either the FDA in the US or NICE (or whatever it's called) in the UK. Not that I would particularly want to medicate, just interesting that there is a change in thinking within the medical profession about what exactly pathological gambling is. Where it was once though of as a "Impulse-Control Disorder" under DSM-IV, now DSM-V considers it as an "Addictive Disorder", moving it away from things like kleptomania and grouping it with substance disorders. I marvel at the effort the medical profession are making in trying to understand the complex nature of our shared problem. Maybe one-day "the book" won't describe it as a baffling and insidious addiction?

Day Two. Feeling bright, but scared on two levels. 1) I'm scared about the damage I could do to those around me (much less myself) if I ever gamble again and 2) I'm scared at the idea of never gambling again. I know it's one day at a time, but I also know those days have to add up for the rest of my life, so telling myself it's one day at a time doesn't really cut the mustard, it's just a phrase which masks reality (something I should be quite au fait with as a CG!)

I've excluded from the only site I had left access open to, and really can't be ar$ed to go through the motions of opening a new account, so that's good. I have no money in any accounts, which cuts off one triangle for now. I do have some cash at the moment, but again the lack of ambition to take the drive to the nearest town to gamble makes me consider that's not the risk it once was. What's weird is that pre-programmed ordination that I have money, I had to put it in my account and gamble. That was just implicitly what I thought last night. The scenario ran through my head a number of times, but each time, it was followed with a "but why would you do that, you know you can't gamble any more", which I was really pleased about. The feelings are still raw after only a couple of days, so I know that makes it easier to use them to fight, and I know that as they wane I might need more barriers but, I do actually want to test myself a little with this, I know I have managed to abstain from gambling before by having all the barriers in place, but this time I want to move on from that, I want to not gamble because I choose not to gamble, not because I have made it impossible for myself. I feel that's really important for me right now, even if it does raise the level of risk. I don't advocate this method to anyone giving up for the first time and it'd probably worry me if I heard anyone in a GA room say it regardless of whichever number attempt they were on, but here, in my recovery right now, I feel it's really important to me.

Sorry duplicate post.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Whatami

Interesting share fella, testing yourself is one way of looking at it or deep down is addiction saying that old 'keep your options open fella because if the missus leaves I will be here for you'

I will be honest I believe that by not committing to making it impossible to gamble you are taking a huge unnecessary risk.

Me I am bent,my mind is twisted, addiction ran ruffshot controlling my life for over twenty years, it still lives within my brain, desperate for the opportunity to entice me to gamble. blocks not only stop the first punt but they kick addiction right where it hurts.

I have a pretty black and white view of recovery, the bottom line for me is continued abstinence only has value of what's been achieved through committing to it.

I entered recovery and went 18 months without a punt but through doing so I didn't seek change, truthfully I was just going through the motions,by thinking 'well I have 18 months gamble free l deserve a flutter'

What for good behaviour?

Gambling on anything will have a destructive effect upon my life, because I will return to being the ar#se#h#ole addiction and my commitment to it made me.

Today I am around about the same 18 months continuous abstinence,I don't count days,I have not found that necessary, what is necessary is to commit to seeking to improve my life

Fella it's on offer for everyone who has the compulsion to gamble, why risk it through leaving doors open?

Lastly has your wife attended gam anon or taken part in your recovery?

The biggest reason I have retained my relationship with my wife is because she recovers from the effects of addiction to

Not an addiction of her making but the effects of mine and in my book that makes her like so many, an innocent victim of this all consuming addiction.

To which I value her opportunity to recover from.

Abstinence creates an opportunity, through embracing it, the effect upon others is profoundly positive.

I spent to many years as a chancer who thought that the world revolved around.

Recovery opened my eyes.

Fella I hope you find a way to have the same joy brought to you and yours.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Keep strong and focused and you can beat this. Be thankful your wife is looking at solutions, and is willing to help u and embrace that help. You have to want to beat the addiction to succeed, and with the help of your wife it's possible, keep posting my friend

Thanks for the feedback guys. I understand what you're saying Duncs, and there could be some truth in me leaving the door open, I have left doors open before, or re-opened them. Right now, I don't want to be doing that. That may change over time as complaceny creeps in and if I feel that, I will adust the situation. I don't feel it's not committing to the programme, after all the programme doesn't actual mention anything about control of funds. I almost feel I am committing myself further. I am anxious that that doesn't make me sounds like a "know it all", who knows better than everyone else. Someone who will fail and fall from grace because he's too stubborn to admit his illness. I do admit it, wholly, totally. I take the "addiction poem" to heart, I love that poem, it so amazingly illustrates the horror of the CG world, I've put it in my wallet this time around, so it's always there.

My wife has tried to understand my problem as best an non-CG can and she has embraced the friends and family forum now and in the past. The family have all said they want me to beat this and they do not believe I am a bad person, but rather a good person who's done bad things. Feeling energised and upbeat, which is a huge change and ready to embrace the future and the challenge it will always bring.

Wow, that was an "interesting" hour. Just spent quite a while entering all the bank details of my 11 creditors in to my online banking, then received all the funds from my wife to pay them off. Everything has been sent to the right place and screenshots of each payment and the summary have been despatched. Another paradox, of feeling great having done the right thing whilst feeling awful looking at all that money which should have been spent on my family. I know I can't go back and all I can do is try and make sure that the future I choose is the right one, but it doesn't make the past any easier to live with.

Nearly the end of Day 2 and I've been doing more research, looking for any nuggets of information that can help me. Came across "Brain Lock" by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz and it says this:

"Step 1: Relabel.

Recognise that the urge to gamble is nothing more than a symptom of your gambling addiction, which is a treatable medical condition. It is not a valid feeling that deserves attention.

Step 2: Reattribute.

Stop blaming and try to understand that the urge to gamble has a physical cause in your brain. You are separate from the disease of addiction, but not a passive bystander. With practice, learn to control.

Step 3: Refocus.

When the urge to gamble strikes, shift attention to something more positive or constructive. Do something else, even if the compulsion to gamble is still bothersome.

Step 4: Revalue.

Over time learn to revalue flawed thoughts about gambling. Instead of taking them at face value, realise that they have no inherent value or power. They’re just “toxic waste” from the brain."

I really like the language used here and it resonates well with me, putting disconnects between the flawed mental process and the (equally flawed) physical process that follows.

Day Three and up early with the kids then off to the supermarket. I had cash in my pocket and spent it exclusively on food and then fuel. Previously I know I'd have stopped off in the corner shop and popped some cash into Ukash to load my account online. I honestly can't understand what's so different about the me of now and the one of a few days ago. I can only assume that fronting up the truth to those around me has suddenly opened my eyes to what I already knew, but chose to ignore? I wasn't enjoying gambling it was one long chase to recoup the lost cash, now I've come clean about that, I suddenly, genuinely, right now, have no interest in gambling. That's not to say gambling thoughts don't enter my head, but when they do, reminding myself of the stuff in my previous entry, along with the very fresh and vidid feelings I have about how much hurt I have caused others, those gambling urges are put paid very easily. I'm not going to worry about anything other than living in the moment. Assessing things as they are and not worrying about stuff that might not ever be. I will just do whatever I can to rid myself of this evil and hope upon hope that that is enough for my wife. Last night she told me how she really didn't like me at the moment, and could barely bring herself to look at me. Harsh words, but ultimately fair. I know recovery has to be selfish and I have to look after number one, otherwise I will never get better, but my wife and kids have to come an incredibly close second in all this. I would feel very, very different and I know my recovery would/will suffer if I am on my own (despite the best efforts of likeminded CGs on this site and at GA).

I think the change in you now, to the person a few days ago is that you have realised that too much money, time and life has been wasted. I'm not sure whether you have tried to give up previously but I think that this time is different for many reasons. I think I've gone through similar things as you with regards to gambling. How you say that at GA meetings that you have given advice and sort of seen yourself as above it (not in a patronising way). But like as if you weren't as bad as the rest. I would say that I thought online blackjack was my issue and sports betting wasn't. I would look at others betting and think, 'what a c**P way of betting' ie constant favourites etc and think my way was better, as long as I stayed off online casinos. But once getting that win on sports betting, it was only a matter of time that I turned to the online casino as I had 'winnings' to play with. I then ultimately lost and more.

What I'm saying is that I feel so different now that all of the other times that I've tried to give up. I may have had a big loss and thought, oh I'm ok to sports bet, or horse racing or so forth. But now I know that all forms of gambling is out of bounds as ultimately I will lose and I literally cannot be bothered to put myself through it anymore. I'm tired of the cycle, I'm tired of being so immersed in it, even when winning, as I was always thinking how much I'd won/lost each day. I want my life to have more to it than that, I want to be excited by other things. So I don't think it's just the thought of losing everything (which is a major reason to stop) but also the mind clearing to what's important. Stopping gambling has got to come from you not wanting to do it anymore, not just because you'll lose everything and I think that's where you're at as well. You know that you're no better than any other compulsive gambler, you've accepted that you are an addicted, you won't win and it's no point being immersed in it any longer. I'm not saying it just to go 'go you, you've changed' 'keep going' blah blah, I do believe them things. But I believe that you will do this because you are in the right place mentally and emotionally. Just keep at it, this is a life long commitment, and as you said, thoughts of gambling are there and they will pop from time to time, but I think your system has realised it isn't worth it and just to accept he thoughts but just to get on with life because ultimately gambling isn't worth it and you now know it deep down which is why you feel like a different person from a few days ago. Keep at it and I shall follow your progress 🙂