Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Thanks Matt! Smart words indeed. I know non-gamblers might focus on that relapse, but as a CG, I realise it's the time spend away from gambling which builds towards a brighter future. I know one guy who's never quite got it in his 16 years at GA, but he's so much better off because he's there, even if he does trip up every now and then. That's the power you need in recovery, to focus on the positive and have the gumption to pick yourself up and get back on with it when you're fallen. Not to wallow in self-pity but to learn from the past to make the future better. Day One here I come!

Exactly. You just have to remember every day you don't gamble is a day richer and not just financially. You CANNOT win.

Stumbled quite badly this last weekend. Struggling to recapture the non-gambling mindset. It's letting go of the recent loses which is proving difficult. It's so easy to say, "give them up, they're gone and they're not coming back, it's over", but it's a lot more difficult to believe you are powerless to change that. That's my issue I think - acceptance. Anway although I am back at day zero, I am at least I am writing a diary entry on here and focusing on moving forward again without gambling. Trying to constanly remind myself that I existed without gambling before and I can do it again. My life was anything but less meaningful without gambling and I really wasn't missing it, until I placed that first bet again and then, like a huge wave it engulfed me. Got a mini-break this weekend and need to make sure I am fit enough mentally to enjoy it. A four-day turnaround is asking a lot, but I know the relief of being 4 days free will seem like a lifetime compared to right now.

Hi Whatami,

Sorry to hear you had a relaspe but happy to see you are back writing on here and wanting to change it. Like you say, the worse thing you can do is think, sod it, i'll just go all out now, so well done. Don't beat yourself up about it either, you can't change it but you can make a difference from now on. Relapses just teach us more and more about our addiction and I think they are all part of recovery. The most important thing is learning from it and moving on.

Try to enjoy your break away as well, you deserve it.

Regards

James

I am sure it is no surprise to anyone, least of all myself, that whilst away from here I have been at it ... big time. Using (or perhaps a more realistic term is stealing) funds which should have been used for better things, including spending on my family. Had a big win yesterday and felt good about it, even though it didn't touch the sides against the combined total lost in the last six months. Anyway, that went to my head and of course it's now all gone. I've self-excluded from that (my only) account for 5 years. Feeling very nervous oddly and not as elated as I have before when I've excluded. That might be because this is a major time in my life as we are about to move house and money is really important.

No doubt the self-exclusion is a good thing to have done and maybe feeling nervous is a sign that I am taking this seriously, which is also good. I just have to not let nerves get the better of me.

Thanks for reading!

Day One (again). The thoughts are still there, seeing the West Ham v. Leicester match tonight immediately thinking of a bet, but followed by the "you don't do that any more, do you?" which is good. It's about conditioning my mind and fighting d**n hard against the wiring of my brain over the last thirty years. It's going to take more effort than ever because that neural circuitry has become emboldened with every bet I've placed in my life. It never gets easier to give up, only harder. But at least I know the pitfalls and dangers so can try and be wise to them.

Hi whatami

I've just read through your diary and sorry to read about the relapses - but it's clear that after each stumble you become more determined to beat the addiction. A lot of what you write resounded with me - especially in the earlier parts of the diary about seeing a strength in 'testing yourself' (that's paraphrasing). I think there's a part of me that doesn't want to give up and I use it as an excuse to not put in all the blocks possible. Also I find myself struggling to accept the 'one day at a time' meaning 'one day at a time' without it actually meaning forever and a day.

I'm glad you're back here (that doesn't quite sound right!) - but I hope you manage to kill this addiction. What really does come across is that you sound so much happier when you're not gambling. Maybe that's a dumb and obvious thing to say. But when you write about finding the magic in the simple moments in life - your trip to the shop, filling car your petrol .. they were infused with 'magic'. I really hope you can get back to those times. I think that's what the 'one day at a time' is really about - it's living each moment as it happens with eyes that appreciate the beauty of the 'mundane'. And these moments turn out to be everything but mundane. They can liberating and full wonder - especially when compared to the pitch black drudgery and pointless emotional baggage that gambling offers, only after it's suckered us back with lies and fantasies.

I'm only a 2 weeks or so gf - so I don't feel there's much weighty advice I can offer, except I really hope you stick around here and, day by day, kick this addiction out of your life.

All the very best

Equinox