Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Thanks Jez. What a lovely post. I think you've certainly got me down to a tee there. It's exactly where I feel I am, and I know I have a lot of work on to keep me there. This time though I will not burden myself with targets, I now know x or y days off means nothing, any of us is as close to the next bet as another. Viligence is the order of the day and I intend to use this site to help me stay clean. Thanks so much for your post.

That's ok, I hope what I said has been of help. With regards to your wife, she may dislike you at the moment, but things will get better I guarantee. You want to quit for her and your family, but I think with her disliking you, that should spur you to do your absolute worth to continue not gambling, and I'm absolutely sure that it will. You say that without their help you may not be able to quit as easy, but with these emotions your wife feels for you, I think you are, in a way, doing the main part of the journey on your own as its up to you to want it. That's how I feel, my partner has been supportive, but it's not enough for me, I appreciate it and I love her for it but that it's got to come from me. It's like I don't want to just talk the talk, I want to walk the walk, there's no more promises to anyone else, this is my journey and I'm going to complete it for me, (which will in turn shine through to your wife as she can see that you are trying to be strong and you WILL do this) and then she will start to like you again. So yeah, support is good but, as you know, it's ultimately down to us in the long run and people (wife) included, will see how much you are trying and things will change, guaranteed. So yeah quitting is good for you personally, and all the other things will fall into place, I promise, Jez

Day 4 and a lovely day weather-wise, I am feeling as sunny as the weather at the moment. Why oh why didn't I 'fess up earlier, deal with the debt and move on? Ok, well we all probably know the answer, in that when in the grips of addiciton anything vaguely related to logic goes out the window! In all of my previous attempts at recovery I never remember feeling this positive, even at this stage. I really thing something's twigged this time. Instead of dreading today or tomorrow, I am actually enjoying it and looking forward.

Hi all Day Four is drawing to a close. A day in the park with the family, one which this time last week would have had me surreptitiously checking results or cashout on my phone as often as possible for whatever ludicrous bet I'd have placed on a sport I likely knew little about.

Day Five and feeling ok. Bit concerned that I might be putting on a bit of weight now I'm not gambling! A bit of comfort food maybe? But, to be honest, I can handle of few more pounds round the waistline for line, if it also equates to a few more pounds in the bank. Maybe a diet might be in order once I feel a little more assured about the longevity of my recovery?

It's Day Six and nothing of note to report, just doing "normal" things is giving me a buzz. Filling the car with petrol, instead of working out what the least quantity of fuel required for the journey, so as to leave as much as possible to gamble with. It sounds crazy that something so mundane, that 99% of the driving population wouldn't think twice about, can feel so good, but I guess that just goes to show quite how mixed up I was in my gambling dream?

Woo hoo, it's Day 7, by 14:30 I will have officially been in recovery (this time round) for a week. Plenty to do workwise today, so there shouldn't be any interference from the gambling demons. Looking forward to posting tomorrow as I start week 2!

Well done on one week of winning.

Keep strong and keep starving it.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks for your support Suzanne, and indeed to everyone else who's taken the time and trouble to post in my diary during the last 7 days. So, today is Day Eight and I have officially been gambling free for a week. It's a good feeling, made better by the fact that I have been able to do it without all the usual barriers in place. The reason for that has been that I have been here before and succeeded for a months, even years, so I don't feel the need to head back to square one, I just needed an almighty reality check. Whilst I do still have my cards, my wife and I will spend a few minutes each week going through the accounts to confirm nothing dodgy has taken place. I think this is sufficient motivation at this stage of my non-gambling. I know somehow that complacency or some other factor kicked in a while back which that reset the clock, so I am more heightened to that issue and I have no problem relinquishing the cards if I felt there might be trouble ahead. I know that sounds a little backwards, but right now I think I need the motivation of the fact I had the opportunity of gambling and chose not to, rather than I didn't gamble because I couldn't. Indeed perversely I think NOT having access to cash could actually make the situation worse if I fell off the wagon, in so much as instead of using cash already earnt and in the bank, I'd end up with a payday loan or similar which would simply increase the loses. Not that I am planning on either situation taking place again - ever - but I know as a CG, you can never say never. See you in 24 hours!

Hi whatami & a massive welcome to week 2 🙂 I get what you are saying & given the unusual way you are attacking recovery, it is very reassuring to hear that you have a back up plan if the urges do really kick in! The thought of never gambling again terrified me @ the start but @ some point my day count became more important & with it the realisation that rather than not gambling because I wasn't allowed to, I actually didn't want to! I'm not saying that has stuck because I would love to be able to gamble responsibly but I have read enough to know that this is not an option for a CG & choosing 'No' when the urges come now is much easier!

Your wife may not be able to look @ you currently but she has not given up on you which is massive! By looking after your recovery, you are putting your family 1st because they don't want you in the arms of addiction, they need you @ home with them! I know she has embraced the forum but maybe Gamanon is an option or counselling for her through Gamcare (others speak very highly of it)? As you say, she knew something was up, she lived your addiction with you & by your side, she can reap the rewards of your recovery!

Onwards & sideways - ODAAT

I hope it goes well for you and reading your story has been helpful to me along with people's replies.

Does your wife know about your UKASH account and do you also share your credit reference agency reports with her? If not that could be a good way of enforcing the monitoring system as she'd see any off-books activity and/or any applications for new credit. Personally i would find it reassuring that someone had complete oversight of my activities.

I personally felt a bit worried when i saw that your wife had repaid all of those debts. I didn't ask for and i don't know if i would have accepted this from someone as it would feel like you've been let off the hook and you hadn't really felt the pain of repaying it and dealing with all those creditors. I'm not saying i want you to suffer in any way but i think it would be worth discussing thoughts and feelings around this when you do see someone as you may have learned a bad lesson here.

Genuinely wish you the best though and look forward to hearing more positive developments.

Hi Heropanda! Thanks for your comments. No, I doubt my wife even knows what Ukash is? As it's not an account it's simply exchanging one form of token (cash) for another form of token (a UKash voucher) and as such it's actually very difficult to track, in fact the cynic in me suspects that may be a fundamental design decision on their part? My wife allowed me access to my money (which she rightly had control over due to my past) in order to pay the debts. Granted that money could indeed have been spent on the family and as a result I have deprived them of it. I still needed to face my creditors and agree settlement and in doing so I was able to save a reasonable chunk of money which would not have been possible without a lump-sum payment, so I felt in the circumstances it was the best option. Previously I have had to go through working out monthly repayment plans, and I still replapsed. I certainly agree being bailed out can actually have a negative long-term effect, but given my previous two failures resulted in not being bailed out, and me still not learning the lesson, I think I took the pragmatic approach here. That's absolutely not to say I don't understand where you are coming from, or take issue with your mentioning it. It's all healthy, vibrant dicussion which makes all of us consider our positions.

Ooh, one more thing - really like the idea of sharing the CRA reports, that could go a long way to re-establishing some trust. I'd never thought of it before, but it makes perfect sense, cheers for that insight!

Hi ODAAT, thanks for your comments had an afternoon out with my wife today and chatted about where things are. It was really helpful. She really wants me to go and see a psychoanalyst or psychiatrist, because she firmly believes there are things in my past which are not helping my mental thought process when it comes to how and why I consider gambling. I myself am not so sure, but other than the cost of the consultation there's nothing to lose and I reckon I owe my wife one for all her support! Gam-anon is practically difficult for her, but she remains in contact with other CG-partners via e-mail, so she's not alone.

whatami wrote:

Ooh, one more thing - really like the idea of sharing the CRA reports, that could go a long way to re-establishing some trust. I'd never thought of it before, but it makes perfect sense, cheers for that insight!

Really pleased i could offer something constructive for you, hope it helps. I know what you mean about wanting to be challenged as well so i'll happily keep an eye out for you as well mate.