Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Thanks for taking time to post on my diary, I hope day 18 is going well for you and you continue to stay strong. Your advise was very useful and I guess if we can learn a little from each time we slip then maybe it will make us stronger the next time the urges come along. Money is my enemy and I need to get someone else to control it, I hope you remain a couple of weeks ahead of me in your recovery. Stay strong!

Thanks BA and Michael for popping in and taking the time to write. Day 18 is going well. Amazing to think that at any time in the last 18 days I could have popped down to the post-office and deposited some cash into my account and 'got on' but I haven't. I really would have bet my bottom dollar up until now, no amount was too small to get me interested, but I have had somewhere between £5-30 in the last couple of weeks always available and I have abstained. Yes, tomorrow is payday and I need to appropriate the funds correctly, and we're talking 100x that amount, but I don't feel concerned and I don't think that's complacency talking, I think that's calmness and clear thinking. This miraculous good place I am in now. Of course, my wife doesn't know how different I feel, I can tell her to I'm blue in the face, but she's heard it all before. It will take many months or years of getting it right, for her to believe I am back on the right path again, but that is my intention and I must have the patience to see it through.

Day 19 and by far the biggest day of this attempt at recovery so far, it's payday. I can't tell you when my wages hit my account because I went to sleep 'normally', like I would any other night. There was no clamour to seek out some action in an American sport I barely understand in the wee small hours. My wages have been transferred to insurance companies, bills and my wife. I had £250 in my pocket as I walked through town and I passed 4 bookmakers and an arcade, they line the main High Street and I could not avoid them without a very large detour. I would be lying if I didn't feel something as I approached them, but the feeling wasn't of being desperate to get on, it was almost one of being scared. Then I realised, I think I was doing what I would always done as a CG, and giving it the mental 'what if'. Only this time with heaps of reality and the only 'what if' was 'what if I did it'? How bad would I feel for betraying those around me, what would I do financially? There was none of the foggy, head in the clouds, 'oh I just need to find a couple of even priced winners'. This is the BEST day of my life for a very long time. I feel SO pleased with things, I am welling up a bit typing this, I am genuinely overjoyed. I know I have the rest of my life to go, but right now I feel I could do it.

Day 20. Back on see my counselor tonight. It's the first time I have seen her since I actually managed to stop. She'd previously asked me to keep a diary about gambling thoughts, so I have given her copy of what I have on this thread, so it won't be a surprise for her. Still feeling almost manically confident at the moment, I have to pinch myself and tell myself that I musn't mistake confidence for complacency. I don't think I am, but I know from bitter experience, it's wise to ask the question.

Well done whatami, it sounds like you're doing great!
Give yourself a well-earned pat on the back and keep putting your best foot forward!! You can do this! x

Day 20 is brilliant. Amazing that you've been able to resist even from being paid - something I am yet to be able to do.

Here's to March being completely gamble free.

Cheers Adam. It's Day 21 today, so three weeks of being gamble free. I am feeling a little more uneasy today as having paid the bills and transfered a chunk to my wife as agreed, there is still about £120 left. That should be money I use to get my through the rest of the month, with buying fuel, the odd bit of top-up shopping, that kind of thing. It's button compared to the normal amount I would blow, but actually having something in my account which is not tied up is so unusual for me, I am a little daunted. Nonetheless, rather than send it on to my wife, I would much rather retain it and prove to myself that my new feelings of empowerment are justified. I don't think I would do that if it was my first attempt, but I have learnt a lot from previous failures and I will know when the warning signs hit. If I go from looking at which teams might win to help pick my fantasy league team, to checking the odds, that is when I will hand things back. Until then, uncomfortable as it may be, I want to prove to myself that by abstaining is because I don't want to gamble, not because I am unable to. A bit risky? Maybe, but it is a decision I have not come to lightly.

whatami wrote:

Cheers Adam. It's Day 21 today, so three weeks of being gamble free. I am feeling a little more uneasy today as having paid the bills and transfered a chunk to my wife as agreed, there is still about £120 left. That should be money I use to get my through the rest of the month, with buying fuel, the odd bit of top-up shopping, that kind of thing. It's button compared to the normal amount I would blow, but actually having something in my account which is not tied up is so unusual for me, I am a little daunted. Nonetheless, rather than send it on to my wife, I would much rather retain it and prove to myself that my new feelings of empowerment are justified. I don't think I would do that if it was my first attempt, but I have learnt a lot from previous failures and I will know when the warning signs hit. If I go from looking at which teams might win to help pick my fantasy league team, to checking the odds, that is when I will hand things back. Until then, uncomfortable as it may be, I want to prove to myself that by abstaining is because I don't want to gamble, not because I am unable to. A bit risky? Maybe, but it is a decision I have not come to lightly.

I can agree to that uneasy feeling. I got money in my account today and it's made me feel pretty terrible. Maybe it's the realisation of the reality of how much needs to be paid? Or maybe it's just a symptom from withdrawals from it - maybe an inner battle with my consciousness as I know I don't want to gamble but maybe my brain is craving the dopamine - who knows!

I think staying away is the best solution for now. I know from personal experience that it has little sneaky ways of getting back in control and I guess this is all part of the learning about us and our recovery as we go along. Maybe this uneasy feeling is a positive though? It is a sobering reminder of the mess we have got in and if we can capitalise on it with our recovery it could make us more determined than ever. Of course this could be completely untrue, as I've only started feeling like this today so time will tell.

But well done on being gamble free again.

Thanks for the post on my diary, GA was great and I think its an important commitment for me to make on my recovery. My thoughts on the 120 pounds are that while in some ways it may feel good to have the money there and not use it to gamble, it may also make more sense to keep smaller amounts. I've kept large amounts of money in the past and enjoyed being strong and not gambling, but I've always slipped up in the end. This time round I don't ever want the pressure of having large amounts of money. But different things work for different people. Anway well done for smashing the 20 day mark and I hope you keep it up.

I notice you coach junior rugby, I was interested which code? I love both codes but do prefer league, however once my little fella is bigger there will only be local union sides for him to play for.

Hi BA! I'm down south, so it's Rugby Union here, although it was actually rugby league that got me interested in the game. I was never able to play (due to my brain tumour and all the gubbins they put in my head) so my experience is that of a very keen observer, rather than a contender! The club is in National League 2, so if the little 'uns stick at it there's a good structure for them to follow.

Day 23. Out to the coast today, but should have checked the tides first, no beach left! Kept busy, so zero urges. Did check the football scores a couple of times, but only in relation to how (poorly as it happens) my fantasy league team were performing!

Great to see you getting to Day 23. So close to hitting that month mark now.

Glad to hear you are getting zero urges. Still one day at a time but I assume it's getting a little bit easier now?

Thanks Adam. Day 24 - a couple of dozen. Feeling buoyed with stuff at the moment. Once again this morning, needed to pop to the shops to get a few bits as my Dad is coming over and I could go to the shop, grab the food and pay myself via my debit card. As I have said before, it's something "normal" people take for granted, but for CGs, it can be quite something. I've been in this space before, when I've abstained and allowed myself some limited monetary control, but I am pleased to already be back in the saddle and feeling comfortable about it so early on. Long may it continue!

Day 25 - all going well. Busy at work and taking an extended lunch break to look at houses. Yes, there's still a part of me that says it would love to have a bet, but the bigger part of me says, "to what end? You pillock!"

That's the alphabet of days done - all 26 of them. I am so glad I have had gambling free time in my life, because it has meant that despite my more recent errors over the last 6 years my wife has been able to build up a decent buffer. I don't honestly know how much of one, because she won't say, fearing I would use that to bail myself out if I went on a spree again. Can't argue with that from her perspective. We've had some expenditure but I reckon it's about £30k. I know it might sound crazy to think I that I have a problem, when there's £30k in the bank, but it just proves that being a compulsive gambler really isn't a financial problem, because once you're not gambling and you are debt free, the money can climb back up. The trust that has been eroded is much, Much, MUCH harder to get back. I'd like to think that if that money was accessible to me, I'd not do anything stupid, but can I heart on heart say for sure I wouldn't? Of course not - so if I don't even trust myself enough! How must it be for my nearest and dearest? Nobody ever wants to 'slip' but the worst thing you can do, and of which I have been entirely guilty of before, is use that as an excuse to give up and fall back into the destructive ways. As long as we learn from slips, they can only make us stronger in the long run.

Anyway, not planning on any slips and this morning after much discussion have put in an offer on the house we saw, albeit significantly below the asking price. So anxious and exciting times, but for good reasons, positives reasons for me and my family. It feels so good to be doing the right things. Best wishes to everyone reading. Cheers, whatami.