Day Three. It's three years today since my Mum died suddenly, aged just 63. Took a trip to the burial ground today to pay my respects. It's a peaceful, tranquil natural woodland. We placed some flowers and had a chat. Just like countless other things, getting engaged, getting married, the birth of both my kids, I promised I'd use my mother's death as the catalyst for change. The change happened, but was short lived. I do feel different this time around though, at the moment I am not gambling out of choice, not out off lack of funds. I have £25 I could have easily used at any time in the last few days, but it's still in my pocket, or target most of it is, I did buy the kids both a magazine! Small things, yes, but important ones. Ones symptomatic of 'normal'.
Day Four ... now over 100 hours since I last gambled. Feeling fine at the moment, although unsurprisingly the euphoria and adrenaline of the initial success is already being tempered with little thoughts of, "what if I ... just a little bit on ..." etc. I am wise to that game though, and I have given the thoughts short shrift.
This is very much a new begining for me, because not only have I stopped gambling, I have also finally diverted a SIGNIFICANT sum of money to kit myself out with the very latest hearing aids. My hearing is SO bad now after years of neglect, the NHS aids don't help enough, and there is a lot of scope in my hearing that I will never get back, but it's time I wasn't so hard on myself and started investing in my future. I am 'lucky' enough to be able to do that with the legacy from my Mum, which my wife is in full control of. I used to love listening to music and performing, but like to many things, as I lost my hearing, I didn't bother spending 'gambling' money on getting it sorted. The same as I bought hair clippers to do my own hair, I mean why 'waste' money at a hairdresses when you can give it to the bookies? I still feel a bit like this is all a dream as it is so far from the reality I have known for so long ... but if it is a dream, I am happy to keep sleeping!
It's past midday, so that means I am on Day Five. It's coming up to the time of year when we need to renew our car and home insurance. I usually do the searching but there's always that little voice in my head telling me I can tell the missus we'll pay up-front and then put it on a direct debit and 'invest' the balance. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't heard those thoughts this year, but there is no practical purpose to them, they are just words at the moment and have no meaning. I know I will feel so chuffed with myself to deal with this properly. It is sad that something so utterly normal for the rest of the population would be such a big deal for a CG. I imagine a few people reading this will think, "why are you doing that? Let your wife deal with it." Trouble is, she's run ragged at work and just doesn't want to spend the time dealing with it and is happy to let me do it, provided all the documentation gets to her. So, it's a chance to increase my self-esteem, whilst of course being a risk too. She knows that and she is prepared to give me the rope, knowing that, I know that if I do wrong, I am done for.
Day Six. I looked at the sports fixtures last night, and told myself Brighton was a brilliant price at home to Ipswich and I should "get on". I ignored myself ... and Brighton didn't win. Whether they won or lost is kind of arbitary, the most important factor is I didn't listen to the old me. To the whinning, nagging, gambling voice, but instead chose reason and logic. If I'd not self-excluded things might have been different, but that's why we put barriers in place. The urge wasn't strong enough for me to go through all the hassle and deceit. Today is another good, gamble free day.
Woo hoo, Day 7 (and a half century of posts on this thread) - a week without gambling. Ironic that I have spent this morning berating estate agents for being unable to tell the truth and omiting details they didn't think mattered. That's exactly what I have done through gambling for countless years, and being on the receiving end is not a nice experience. It's makes me very annoyed and angry. I suppose that's just a small insight into how my wife must have felt for a long time now. No idea how she has stuck by me? Makes me all the more determined to pay back that faith. It is nice to know that even though she cannot trust me, she does have faith in me. Anyway, that's it for today. Here's to week 2!
Day 8 and nothing really to add, but I want to get into the habit of putting something up every day regardless, just to keep a focus. Looking forward to the weekend and watching so sport for sport's sake (and making 'V' signs at Ray Winstone when he undoubtedly makes an appearance! Nice moral compass Ray - an ex-bankrupt twice over urging people to gamble?)
Day 9 and all is well. Went for a 2 hour walk in the woods with my wife and kids this morning, followed by a picnic and then a couple of hours beachcombing this afternoon. Now, I am not saying I am a new man, because that's the kind of thing I'd have normally done at the weekend anyway, what was different was that I wasn't checking my mobile every few minutes for the latest scores in the South Korean women's volleyball or Romanian III division football or whatever ludicrous event I knew next to nothing about that I had bet one. Today. I just spent time enjoying watching the kids have fun and taking in the scenery. What a pleasant change!
Double figures - Day 10! Under 7s rugby training this morning, what a gluton for punishment. Difference today was that after 11 I wasn't watching my phone for updates from the early La Liga kick-off. My counselor is off this week, so will just have to make sure I keep the ship steadied myself. Feeling fine, but there is a part of me that pops up every now and again and tells me I should "reward" myself for being so good. Reward? That way madness lies. Keeping on the GF path!
Day 11. An Aussie mate of mine just posted about his AFL team and getting ready for the new season. Having read the post, the very first thing I thought about was, "let's have a look at the season's preview" and see if we can pick a longshot. w*f? How so completely autonomous, there was no conscious movement of thought, it just flowed. Really shocking and crazy stuff. Years of gambing have just hard-wired that process. Gotta re-program and keep it at bay.
Gamble free Day 12. Feeling a little less secure right now, can't really put my finger on why though. I have all the blocks in place at the moment and the princely sum of £3.05 currently available to me, so I can feel sure I will get through it without any hiccups. Could probably do with the meeting with my counselor this week, but that can't be helped, she is entitled to a holiday! My wife is out Weds, Thurs and Fri evening this week (it's alright for some!) so will try and catch some chat to make up for it.
13 days since I last gambled. Urges are creeping up on me, not least because I know one self-exclusions on an old account has expired. In two minds as to what to do. I know there is a 24 hour cooling-off period even if you ask to re-open, so that's good and gives people time to think and I know that right now I am thinking clearly, so should I re-open the account and then re-self-exclude? Otherwise, what if I try and re-open it in the future when I am getting complacent or whatever, and could then do some real damage. It's a tricky one, and perhaps that is why I have been a bit irritable at home these last couple of days. I really don't know what to do for the long term best. If I had to make a decision, I think I would prefer to re-open now and slam it straight shut after the cooling off period. Long term that is the safer option, but there is just a small chance that after only 13 days off I ignore my senses? BUT, actually that's rubbish, I only have £3 available, so couldn't even deposit if I wanted to. No, I think my mind is made up. I don't delete this post, but it might come in handy to re-read (either myself or someone else) in the future. Cheers, whatami.
TWO WEEKS DONE! I did re-open the self-excluded account and closed it straight back down without any money changing hands, which has made me very happy. I can't say I wasn't feeling a little scared for the few minutes it was opened and I am annoyed that some bookmakers only allow you to exclude for six months at-a-time, which is pretty crazy when you think about it and is surely a rather under hand tactic? Especially when some *slightly* more morally enlightened bookmakers will let you self-exclude on a permanent basis.
Day 16 today - missed posting yesterday, just too much going on at work. All still in one piece here and nothing to report, other than using survey money properly and popping to the shops with the kids. So we all had a nice tea instead of me loading it straight into a bookmakers account and having beans on toast!
Day 17 and still can't fathom now I was so enthralled in gambling, so much so, I basically stopped living outside of that gambling bubble. Even when I wasn't actually gambling, it was all that was on my mind. Still can't put my finger on what has triggered me to feel so different, I guess it must be the counseling, it's the only thing I have done differently this time? Although, I am not sure I don't really care what it was, I'm just chuffed it's taking hold, taking control and having a big positive impact. Sure, there are plenty more issues in life, but without gambling they are easier to deal with. I need to bottle this feeling, in case I ever need to snap the gambling me out of it again. I'm not planning on needing to, but got to always be alert, looking for signs the old mantra is slipping back in.
Hi Whatami
I've enjoyed reading your thread and seeing the change in the past couple of years. Even thought you have relapsed you have never given up hope. Please can you continue to keep going, and continue to be strong. I am not in position where I have a wife and children but if anything then continue beating your addiction not just for yourself but also for them, think of how proud that would make all of you feel.
I will be checking in as often as I can. Keep it up.
Michael
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