Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more

Day 38. Dealing with the trials and tribulations of being a Dad today, lots of temper tanrums from a not-quite 7 year old. What I could notice is that I was much calmer in dealing with it and much more the voice of reason than I would have been whilst an active gambler. Actually spending time trying to get in his head, get him to explain why he felt and acted like he did. Didn't help, but at least I tried! Moving forward I really want to put an effort into regaining the trust and closeness of the relationship with my wife, it has suffered immensely because of my addiction. Just because I've flicked the switch and am in gamble-free mode, the lies and deceit which went before are not so easy for her to dismiss. It will take time, I know that, and I am impatient - I know that too. Little steps and piece by piece maybe we can rebuild, so I can look back in years gone by and see this recovery as a watershed moment?

Day 39. All well and gambling free. 10 days to payday and I still have £90 to my name, what a turnaround. I hope there isn't a next time, but if there is, I must remember how quickly I can back to abstaining if I choose to do it. A blip is exactly that, just a blip. I know that could sounds like a pre-ordained excuse, but that's not the idea. Should it happen, with my new found knowledge, I would try and work out it is it that I was missing and work out how to move forward. I feel I have moved beyond not gambling because I have barriers in place, to choosing not to gamble even when I have the ability. Of course, I am not about to stop handing over the majority of my wage to my wife, or suggest the new house goes in both our names, there is just no need for that. Why tempt fate? By the same token, I believe I now need to feel I am making a decision through choice, rather than by default. I don't think I'd have ever said that (and meant it) at any stage in any recovery I have previously attempted and indeed I probably would have agreed with anybody who'd have asked, "why test yourself?"

Day 40. I guess this marks the end of my own personal lent? Not that that means a return to the things I have given up! Training course all week, so thorougly occupied during the day and a 7 year old's birthday party this weekend to prep for, so evenings are pretty full too. Mindful of the past, living in the present, hopeful for the future.

Day 41. Still gamble free, still on the diet, penultimate counseling session this evening.

Day 42, so according to Douglas Adams, I should now know the secret to Life, the Universe and Everything? Not so Douglas, but I have learnt a lot more about me in the last 6 weeks. Good session with the counselor last night and now a fortnight's gap until my final wrap-up session. I re-did my PHQ-9 last night and it had dropped by 12 - so very pleased.

Hi Whatami,

Thanks for your support on my diary and well done on 42 days! 6 weeks of many more to come! You still seem to be thinking positively and enjoying your gamble free life. Makes it all seem while when the rewards are so instant. Even little things like not lying to loved ones and being in a bad mood after a loss are enough to want to quit, but these are 2 out of hundreds of reasons to quit! Keep up the good work and thanks again for the support

Regards

James

Day 43. Finally at the end of a week-long training course. It got better towards the end, but mostly useless. Roll on the weekend!

Day 44 and a party with 18 screaming 6 and 7 year olds to look forward to this afternoon. At least it'll be outdoors, so it might not hurt too much? I will have some spare time to kill before then as I need to go and get a new tyre on the car. I know before I would have used that half an hour or so to pop into the local bookies as an autonomic response, probably through shear boredom. But countless people in the world wouldn't resort to that, so why should I. It will be a mini-challenge I suppose, but I've got to get the trye done, I can't be driving hundreds of miles on a running wheel at 50mph.

Day 45. Kids and I have created Very Berry breakfast muffins for Mother's Day, a shame my own Mum was taken too soon. On the plus side, there were no broken limbs at our youngest's birthday party yesterday!

I did go for a wander whilst my tyre was being done yesterday, but the bookies was some distance away, so it wasn't as much of a challenge as it could have been, I really couldn't be bothered. Had it been next door I'd like to think the result would have been the same, but who knows? I suppose I have the lure of the internet to gamble freely available and don't give in, so maybe I am being a bit hard on myself? Anyway, happy Mother's Day to all those out there.

Day 46. A few more thoughts today about going back to it if I religiously stick to my selections rather than hammering anything in sight. Thankfully I don't think I really have the interest or courage (given I know what I suspect will happen) to actually make that a reality. It's like I've kind of worn myself down. Payday at the end of the week, so getting ready to sort out some more of my debts.

Understand what your talking about whatami when you talk of religiously sticking with selections etc.. I have thought it as well a couple of times but I think the reality would be different . No doubt we'd do well for a while make a bit of money here and there maybe even best the odds for a while but I know I could never stick to it . It will never be enough. Plus also on the other side I've come to realise that I was thinking about gambling all the time and if we go back to it I'll be losing time with my wife and kids not just the debt . I understand where you're coming from but it won't work . Your close to 50 days I'll be willing you to make it 🙂

Day 47. I think the initial euphoria of managing to abstain has really started to wear off now. More and more often the little voice is creeping in, saying, "go on, a little one wouldn't matter". But I know there's no such thing as just "a little ONE". This is where "on day at a time" really helps. Right now, I could not envisage never gambling for the rest of my life, that's too much of a commitment, but not gambling for 24 hours is a nice bitesize piece which I have already achieved 46 times over this time round.

I think exactly the same 24 hours is enough, if I make it home and get to bed with out gambling thats a result in my books.

Stay Strong Stay G/f

Malc

Hi Malc! Thanks for your words. Unfortunately though, I succumbed to temptation and today is back to Day Zero. I am disappointed, but not disheartened, because I have made plenty of progress in the last 6/7 weeks and £160 in that time is probably only about 5% of what I would normally have got through. Time to put that behind me and march on. As I have said before it's a bit more difficult for me, but because of what I do for a living, I am circumvent all the software and ISP blockers out there, so I have to rely on self-exclusion and I saw a decent signup and got enticed. Suffice to say, I have now self-excluded, albeit £160 lighter, but it was only 12hrs and it could have been so much worse. It just proves the right-thinking part of me is continuing to exert pressure on the addiciton.

Hi Whatami.

Day 1 again there is no shame in beginning again you now have the chance to build bigger and better than before! Do not be defined by a relapse, be defined by your determination to remain in recovery despite it.

Good luck mate